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I’m sorry you had a difficult night, Imogen. Weddings are hard, and watching or being at one surrounded by only couples is even harder. I don’t really have any advice beyond what’s already been written, but just wanted to say i’ve been there too and I get it.
Since you like reading, what about joining a book club? I joined one about a year ago and have really enjoyed it – it’s given a greater purpose to my reading and the social aspect has motivated me to read books I might not have picked up otherwise. If you can’t find one locally that seems like a good fit, you could always look for one online that’s geared towards the types of books you like.
Or what about taking a course online? Sites like Udemy seem to have lots of courses that are more hobby-ish than academic in nature, and many aren’t very expensive. I’ve never done one through them so no idea if they’re actually good, but might be something worth looking into.
For me, I’ve come to enjoy and appreciate cooking a lot more over the past year or so. I like trying new recipes, and no longer feel bad about cooking for one (before I just didn’t really think it was worth my time unless I was having people over, but I was wrong about that). I freeze the leftovers in individual portions for quick meals later, and i’ve come to really appreciate that on busy days too.
Just a few ideas. Hopefully others will have some suggestions as well, and I hope you find something that’s a good fit! Keep us posted!
“However, when I’m feeling that way, I try to show myself a little kindness. I try to remember that even though there are people with bigger problems, there is also room for my feelings. It’s okay to feel lonely and want a partner.”
I think this is a really important thing to remember. As someone who has been living with a “real” problem for the past several years, I couldn’t agree more. My mom has stage 4 cancer, and while that is by far the situation that causes the most sadness and fear in my life, I still feel sad about being single and worry about spending my life alone. The bigger problem doesn’t cancel out the smaller one, and the smaller one still feels really big at times. So please don’t put any judgment on yourself for feeling lonely or wanting a partner. Those feelings are the real deal, and being kind to yourself/allowing yourself to just experience them is so important.
Welcome MissDee03! And Angel88, thanks for sharing your thoughts about victim blaming. I know that’s the real deal, and while I think my friends were genuinely trying to be helpful, I also think people engage in it subconsciously without even realizing they’re doing it. Sara wrote a blog post recently with some good ideas for how to respond:
Hi AgarrateCatalina, thanks for your post, and welcome!
I haven’t read either of the books you mentioned (although both are on my list that I never seem to get through!) but I’ve definitely struggled with some of the same things you wrote about. Self-compassion doesn’t come easily for me either, but it’s something I’m slowly getting better at.
Your question about whether a problem matters if it isn’t unique is an interesting one, and I don’t think it’s a self-centred at all. Sometimes when I’m struggling with something, I try to think of how it might apply to other situations to see if what I’m thinking still holds up. And so I started to think about other problems that impact big groups of people – things like being diagnosed with cancer or living through a natural disaster. These are problems faced by millions of people, but I don’t think anyone would say they are unimportant or that they don’t really matter. It’s so easy to get caught up in our own perceptions of things, and I know for me at least, its been good to try to identify and question some of the assumptions I have that mimght not actually hold true. You said in your post that you’re struggling to get past this, and I guess what I’m wondering is what would be different for you if you felt like your problem was more unique? Would you think or do anything differently?
As for the capatalistic nature of dating, I can definitely relate to feeling anxious about that. “If I haven’t been chosen, I must be low value.” I have felt this to my core, and if there is a single negative thought that has defined my life it is probably this one. It’s been a long process but I have come to realize that this can’t really be true. Partly because I’ve learned to define my self-worth in a broader way, but also because it leaves out something pretty significant – the fact that I’m also doing the choosing (and I am trying to choose well and choose carefully). When I fall into that negative pattern of thinking I again try to question my own assumptions, which helps me realize that I’m only really focusing on part of the picture. I know it often doesn’t feel like it, but I really think finding love is mostly just the perfect mix of luck and circumstance.
For me, knowing I’m not the only one with this problem has been comforting. I spent a long time feeling very alone with this and I found that to be incredibly hard. Knowing that there are others out there who have struggled in similar ways but eventually did find a partner gives me hope. And it’s also helped me realize that there’s more than one path to happiness, and that maybe the solution is just to embrace my life as it is and to be open to wherever it takes me. I don’t know if that helps, but for me at least, it’s made the journey easier.
Thanks Angel88 and misstree! I just responsed by changing the subject, although now in hindsight I wish I had said something. If it comes up again, I’m definitely going to point out the contradiction. And I like your strategy Angel88, I usually don’t talk about it with married friends either unless they specifically ask. I know they mean well and it’s coming from a place of wanting to help, but it makes me crazy sometimes! Thanks to both of you for getting it. :)
So speaking of bullshit…
A few months ago I was out for drinks with two of my friends. Both are married to guys they met in university, so between them they’ve been single for about 7 seconds. I was dating more actively then, and was telling them how I felt like I wasn’t really getting anywhere – lots of messaging back and forth with potential matches that never seemed to turn into actual dates. And they responded to that by telling me I need to stop trying to hard, that love finds people when they least expect it and that maybe I should stop looking.
Fast forward to last night, and I’m out again with the same two friends. Except now I’m on a break from dating (by my own choice, not because of the advice they gave before), and what do they say this time? That I’m never going to find someone if I don’t make an effort to put myself out there.
Ugghhh! Sometimes you just can’t win!
Love it, misstree! That advice makes me crazy. And really, I can’t think of a better example of loving yourself than choosing to be on your own rather than settling for a not-so-great relationship.
I finished How to Fall In Love With Anyone a few days ago and loved it. It was smart and thoughtful, and I really like how the book explored the contrast between the author’s own experiences and family history with the love stories we’ve all grown up with. Her thoughts and experiences were really relatable to me, and it was refreshing to see someone write so honestly about the complicated relationship they’ve had with understanding love and what it means. She reflected so many of my own feelings, questions and anxieties, and that in itself was eye-opening for me because our experiences with love have been very different (she’s spent most of her adult life in long-term relationships, and I’ve spent most of mine single). Like Angel88, I found it really validating, and I could have kept reading long after it ended. Her blog is mentioned at the end of the book, so now I am working my way through that:
https://thelovestoryproject.ca/
And Lonestar, thanks so much for the podcast link. I enjoyed it too, and I’m going to check out some of the other episodes this week.
This sounds good to me too, Sara! Thanks for letting us know and I echo everything that Angel88 said. I’m really grateful for this space (thank you for creating it, and for getting us!) and I think your approach sounds perfect. I’m looking forward to reading those blog posts too. :)
Hope it went well, L_Gris! Sounds like a beautiful place, and I hope you had a nice time and got the clarity you were looking for.
Welcome Abraz1! I can relate to those feeling of jealousy too, and I totally agree that most people don’t understand what it’s like to be perpetually single. There are times when I love my life and other times when it can be really hard.
I like what Angel88 and Reds10 both said about remembering that what we see is not the whole picture. I have a couple of friends who are currently going through divorces, and it’s really brought that message home for me. Both are friends I see regularly, and in one case we all knew they had been having problems, but in the other it came as a total surprise. They very much presented as a happy couple with a perfect life (cute kids, a nice house, lots of sweet family pics on social media, etc.), and even with close friends they never shared that there were any problems (beyond what I would say are typical disagreements in couples, like joking/complaining about someone loading the dishwasher wrong or leaving clothes on the floor, etc.). If someone had asked me about the type of relationship I wanted, I would have used theirs as an example, but it turned out I had no idea what their relationship was actually like. And while I’m sorry for what has happened with them, it’s really taught me that things aren’t always what they seem. My life is far from perfect, but it’s easy to forget sometimes that other people’s lives aren’t either. Something I’m trying hard to remember when those feelings of jealousy creep back in.
Welcome L_Gris! Like Misstree, I think your message sounds great. If you’re hesitating about whether or not to send it yet, you could always try texting first with a specific suggestion to hang out, worded in a way that pressures him to commit to an actual day and time (something like “Would you be up for meeting up for a drink one night this week?” or “I’d love to go hiking sometime soon. Is there a day that works for you?”). If he still gives you a non-committal reply, then I think the text you wrote would be great as a follow up.
He sounds like a nice guy and thoughtful in other ways, but I agree that serial texting is really frustrating. Good luck…let us know how it goes!
@Angel88, that’s great to hear! Thanks for letting me know your thoughts so far. I’m definitely adding it to my summer reading list. :)
