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Thought of one more thing – making a list of things I can control vs. things I can’t. I keep this in my phone and look at it when I need to. Sometimes I go through periods where I feel stuck in certain circumstances in my life, I find it helps me focus my thoughts and energy onto something that will actually have an impact, rather than obsessing over things that I don’t really have the power to change.
And @LoneStar, thanks for the reminder about gratitude journals. I used to do this and found it helpful, but have gotten away from it. I need to get back into this too. :)
Thanks @misstree. I like that analogy. And I completely agree about meditation. I also do 10 minutes and sometimes just a few times a week, so I too could be more conscientious in my practice. But I’ve still found it to be so helpful, both in calming my mind and in helping me become more aware of my thoughts, which has then made it easier to focus on the thoughts that are kind and productive and avoid the ones that aren’t (like not placing judgment on my feelings, going back to that earlier post). Like you said, there are so many benefits to just slowing down and being present, and a year or so after starting I can really see the positive impact it has had.
Thanks for this post, LoneStar. I’m with you for everything on your list. “Welcome to the club” is a line I hear a lot too, and while I know it’s said with nothing but the best of intentions toward the person sharing their good news, I don’t think people realize how those words can feel to those who are hearing them from the other side.
Your second point especially hit home for me. I’ve been trying to put my finger on this growing sense of unease I seem to have at times in certain social situations, and I think it really just comes down to the idea of belonging. It’s not that there was ever one big change, but more like a series of little losses over time as other people’s lives changed. And I miss that feeling of belonging, especially with extended family and with groups of friends who have been part of my life for a really long time (and who I very much used to feel like I belonged with). To their credit, they still make lots of effort to include me, but like you said in your first point, the conversation just often seems to go to places that are difficult for me to contribute to, and that can feel pretty isolating at times.
Something I would add to the list are comments along the lines of “Now your life really begins” or any comments relating to life only having a sense of meaning after someone gets married or has a baby. As if nothing they did before they met their partner/had their children really mattered or had any purpose. What does that say about my life right now? And possibly my entire existence, because maybe I won’t ever meet that person? Even if I know my own worth, sometimes it feels like our society doesn’t, and that nothing I do will ever be enough if I can’t clear that one bar. Some days I feel hopeful that things are changing for the better, other days it still feels like we have a pretty long way to go.
Here’s another question. As much as the concepts of self-compassion and self-kindness have helped me, though, I do wonder, “Can we ever be too kind to ourselves?” Like, will we ever be so lenient that we let ourselves go entirely?
This is something I think about too. It seems like those lines can become easily blurred. I don’t have the answer, but for me, I think I try to give that sadness space in a way that doesn’t allow it to completely take over my life. Like if I’m having a hard weekend, I might let myself have Saturday for whatever it is I need to do to feel better. But then on Sunday I’ll make a list of things I have to get done for the day, and then once they’re done I give myself space to be sad again if that’s still how I’m feeling. It’s a tricky balance though, I know. I guess it’s about continuing to be engaged in life while still making time and space to feel those feelings, and that probably looks a bit different for everyone. What do you find works for you, misstree?
This is a great question, misstree. I try to just be kind to myself during those times and focus on what feels right for me in the moment (in similar ways to what Angel88 said). I also try to separate the things I truly have to do (go to work, check in with my family) from things that aren’t as necessary (chores, email, errands, social events, etc.) and then as long as I’ve done those first ones, going easy on myself about the others until I’m starting to feel better again. Recognizing that it’s okay to let go of certain things for awhile as a form of self-care, and to trust my instincts about what I need to do for myself to feel better (whether that’s go for a walk, talk to a friend, watch movies all day, or just sit and be sad).
Something Sara talks about that I’ve found really helpful during hard times is seeing our emotions for what they are (normal human experiencies), and just sitting with those feelings without placing judgment on them. She writes about this in her book, but for me it really clicked when I did a coaching session with her about a year ago. I was doing this A LOT and didn’t even realize it, but being aware of those thought patterns and trying to stop has and made those periods of sadness less complicated and easier to get through. For anyone wanting some support with this, you might consider doing a coaching session. I know I found it to be really worthwhile. The past few years have thrown some pretty challenging experiences my way, and those strategies have definitely helped (thank you, Sara, if you’re reading this!).
That was a good read, LoneStar, and you make a great point about minorities within minorities. Thanks for sharing. Religion is interesting because it can provide such a strong sense of community on the one hand, but at the same time can be so isolating for people who don’t fit into those traditional norms. I can imagine how difficult it must be for single women to navigate that set of circumstances.
And not at all related to the topic above, but I liked this piece about dating as an ambivert.
LoneStar, I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost a friend last year in similar circumstances, and while I hadn’t seen him in several years (he had moved to another part of the country), we’d stayed connected through social media. And I understand about looking for those parallels and projecting your feelings onto the situation. My friend wasn’t single, but we had the same job and he was killed at work, so I felt that additional connection to what happened I often found myself trying to piece together his last day and what he must have been thinking and feeling. It was sad and very jarring to have someone I know experience an act of violence that, up until then, I had only ever seen on the news, and I definitely felt unsettled for a while after it happened. Please know how sorry I am and that I’m thinking of you.
In terms of worst fears, I think I’ve always had a general fear of being alone at the end of my life (not so much dying alone but spending my last years alone without a family of my own) and also making it to the end of my life without ever experiencing love. And I do still worry about that, but right now my worst fear has shifted to losing a parent and going through that experience without the support of a partner. My mom has stage 4 cancer and while she’s doing well at the moment, I know the realities of her situation, and while I do my best not to focus on the future too much, it terrifies me to think of what that’s going to be like. I think about the loss itself and how sad that will be, but also that inevitable moment after it happens when I’m going to have to leave my family and go home to my empty house, and I feel like that’s going to be a level of loneliness completely above and beyond anything that I’ve ever experienced before. It fills me with fear and dread, but I’m very grateful that we’re not there yet and hopeful for more time and for the possibility that things could still change for the better (especially with cancer research because there’s nothing in the world I want more than that right now, but also my relationship status). For now, I just try to push those fears out of my mind and stay in the present moment as much I can. Some days its easier than others.
And to lighten up this depressing post of mine at least a little bit (ha!), what you said about being someone else’s worst fear was really interesting to me, both in terms of the idea and the timing. I happened to hear a discussion on the radio just yesterday about singlephobia, I think based on this article:
http://metro.co.uk/2017/01/09/54-of-us-are-suffering-with-singlephobia-6370272/
And my reaction was similar to yours at first, because who wants to be someone else’s worst fear? Definitely not a good feeling. But when I started thinking about it more, I realized that in a way we are the lucky ones. Because how awful would it be to feel that our best option is settle for or stay in a bad relationship because we’re too scared to be single? I truly can’t imagine living my life like that and how limiting it would be, and it’s crazy to think that’s reality for such a large number of people. I’m very grateful to be okay with being single, and to have the self-awereness to know that I can do this and that in many ways it’s pretty great. Plus there’s something kind of badass about not only surviving but thriving in a situation that so many other people fear. So yay us! It isn’t always easy but in many ways I think we’re lucky to have had the opportunity to learn this about ourselves, something many other people miss out on.
Love that @mamey2422! So perfect and so true. And I’m dying over resting Graceful Acceptance Face… story of my life sometimes!
I think that’s a great goal, and in my experience, it’s something that gets easier with time and practice. I’ve lived on my own for the past several years after living with friends for most of my 20’s, and I remember feeling quite unsettled at first about how to fill all that time by myself. But now, for the most part, I enjoy it and even crave it when life gets too busy. I still get lonely, but much less often, and I find now that those feelings are more related to specific life events or situations than just simply being alone. It sounds like you have the right approach and with time I think you’ll find it gets better.
And I agree that it can be easy to slip into bad habits when you live on your own. I’ve been doing some thinking lately about the things that I sometimes don’t do, and how often my reasoning for not doing those things is that it’s “just me”. Which leads to the bigger question of why that is and what that says about how I sometimes feel about myself. One of my new year’s resolutions is to cook more. I CAN cook, I just don’t very much, and too often my dinner is some version of takeout, grocery store sushi, peanut butter on toast, or a random stirfry/wrap/salad thrown together with whatever I happen to have in the fridge. And all of that is fine, but just reflective of the fact that I often don’t put a lot of thought into it. If it would be worth doing for someone else then it should be worth it for me too, so I’ve been reflecting on this lately and trying to get away from that “it’s just me” mentality. Only four days in, but so far so good!
This essay by Aimee Lutkin is fantastic:
http://jezebel.com/when-can-i-say-ill-be-alone-forever-1790274012
And here’s a link to a podcast with Sara and Aimee from yesterday… also really great!
Yes! I could have written a lot of your post. I too am 36 and my love life has been pretty much non-exsitent, aside from several mini-relationships that lasted a couple of months at the most. It’s not what I wanted, it’s just how things worked out, but it’s a hard place to be and I agree that online dating in our mid-30’s isn’t easy for the reason you mentioned, along with the (at least partly self-imposed) weight of having so little relationship experience at this age.
I’m more of an ambivert than an introvert (I like to socialize but like my downtime too), but for whatever it’s worth, I did go to parties a lot when I was younger and for me it didn’t change anything. Of course that’s just one person’s experience, but maybe that helps if you’re feeling regret about the things you did or didn’t do in the past. For me, I regret not focusing more actively on finding a relationship in my early and mid 20’s (not necessarily to find THE relationship, but just to have gotten some more life experience before I started feeling so paralyzed by my lack of experience). Like you, I always thought it would just happen, and I guess in our defence, for most of my friends it DID just happen. Very few of them had to go to great lengths to find their partners – most met them just going about their daily lives (at university, at work, at parties/bars). So I guess in that way, our instincts about that weren’t wrong, but knowing what I know now there are definitely some things I would have done differently. Hindsight is always 20/20 though, right?
Hey Lost Hope,
Nice to have you back, and I hope you had a good Christmas too! I can very much relate to the whole younger cousin getting married thing (and to feelings of jealousy in general from your earlier post). I’ve been to several younger cousin weddings and have two more coming up next year, and I know it can be really, really hard. I don’t think there’s an easy answer to the question of whether or not to go. I’ve always gone to those weddings (and they have ranged from times where I have had a pretty good time overall to a few that were really difficult) and am planning to go to the two coming up, but I know that isn’t the right answer for everyone and you need to do what’s best for you. I guess the one thing you might want to think about is whether your absence could lead to problems in the long run. Would you not being there call more attention to the fact that you’re unhappy about being single? Will this lead to well-meaning relatives trying to “help” in ways that aren’t actually helpful. Will your parents/other relatives keep bringing up the fact that you weren’t there long after the wedding is over? Every family is different and maybe that won’t be the case with yours, but if it is, it might be worth enduring a difficult day if it will lead to an easier path with your family long term.
I definitely don’t have this all figured out yet, but if you do decide to go, here are some things I’ve found that help me a little:
– While I’ve always gone to weddings, I often will skip the shower. It’s easier to fake another event that day since you don’t know the date many months in advance, and I find it puts me in a better frame of mind for the wedding itself. For me, showers trigger those “what’s wrong with me feelings?” in the same way that weddings do, and I find it easier to get through the wedding if I haven’t already been ruminating on that from the shower. That being said, I’m from a big family where one missing cousin isn’t a big deal, so I know this might not be an option for everyone.
– Having a plan for what to talk about with people and which relatives might be good to hang out with if I’m feeling down (my cousin whose wedding I attended several years ago but who is now divorced, or my aunt who is married but never had kids are good options for me). Not to talk about my problems with them because it’s not the time or place, but just to help remind me that we all have different paths and nobody’s life is perfect.
– Making a conscious effort to avoid (or at least mentally avoid) the parts of the wedding that are hardest. For me, this means thinking about other stuff during the ceremony rather than listening to some random officiant make me feel like marriage is the only valued path in life. Using couple-y dances to go get another drink from the bar, and going to the bathroom the second they announce the bouquet toss (Ugh the bouquet toss! I could write a whole post on how much I hate that tradition! Even in my early 20’s I thought it was demeaning, but there’s nothing worse than well-meaning relatives insisting that you MUST go and stand with a bunch of women 10+ years younger than you to compete over who is going to get married next. Especially when that well-meaning relative is your dad, who then makes you feel bad when you tell him you’d rather just stay at the table (insert “You need to try harder” comment here, because clearly the secret to finding love is catching some magical relationship-summoning flowers!).
– Giving myself permission to leave early if I’m having a hard time. I left one cousin’s wedding not too long after dinner was over and for me on that particular day it was the right choice. I just told people I had a headache and nobody made a big deal about it. Obvioulsy you can’t play that card every time, but for me, knowing I have an out if I need it takes away some of my anxiety about getting through the day.
This is turning into a really long post, all to say that I know it isn’t an easy experience or an easy decision. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer about what to do, but as long as you’ve put some thought into it then I don’t think you can go wrong with trusting your own instincts, whatever they are. And if you do decide to go, doing some thinking in advance about how to avoid the worst parts might help make the day a little easier. Good luck and keep us posted. While I know it doesn’t always feel like it, there are definitley a lot of us out there who get it.
Happy holidays everyone! However you’re spending it, wishing you lots of happiness and strength to get through the times when it isn’t so easy. I hope it helps us all to know that we’re not alone with this. I know it’s helped me, and I’m so grateful to this community for that. No matter what happens, I know we’ve all got this!
And to Mamey2422, Angelita, and anyone else who is travelling… enjoy!!
Thanks so much for the link to the article, Mamey2422. That was a great read! I can definitely relate to the “Groundhog Day” feeling that this time of year brings and I really like Sara’s idea of making a list of accomplishment for the year. I’m going to do that today and keep it in my phone as a reminder of all the things that ARE going well, so I can look at it when I’m not feeling so great about things.
I’ve always spent Christmas with my family, but I know not everyone has that opportunity, and I also like the suggestion of just relishing the quiet of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and using the time to reflect, spend time in nature, or do whatever else makes you happy. This fits well with CameraObscuraFan’s idea above that Christmas doesn’t have to happen only on the actual day, and I think that’s a really great point. I can see how this could feel lonely, but with the right mindset it could also be really lovely (and for whatever it’s worth, I still feel lonely at Christmas despite being surrounded by family, so I think for many people that feeling is there no matter what).
And I also really liked the point at the end about how appearances can be deceiving. I know this is true for my own life but I forget to apply this same logic when thinking about friends and extended family. Life is complicated, and those perfect family Christmas photos on social media only reflect part of the picture. I know I can fall very easily into the “everyone has it better than me” trap and I need to make a conscious effort to remind myself that it isn’t as simple as that. Single or married, with or without kids, we all have things in our lives that are hard and things we wish we could change.
Thanks LoneStar! So glad to hear you had a nice Thanksgiving. :)
Courtney, I’m so with you about midnight on New Year’s Eve. It’s a horrible feeling and hands down, my least favourite moment of the year. But yeah… having a drink (or several!) helps and I like your idea for what to think about during that moment. And Angelita and Mamey2422, I love the idea of traveling for New Year’s Eve too. Both your trips sound amazing.
