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SingingSteph, I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. That must have been really hard news to get. And while I haven’t had that experience, I can definitley relate to getting bad news and having to come to terms with it at the same time as friends are going through all those major milestones in life. It isn’t easy and I’m thinking of you. I loved how you said that “no matter what you do in life, you’re missing something else.” That’s so true and a really great way to look at it, and reading that was a big “aha” moment for me. There’s definitely more than one path to a happy life and I wish our society did a better job of recognizing that. I’m working hard at it and will keep those words in mind moving forward.
And writergirl, I’m late responding to this but I feel like I could have written so much of what you posted. I too have hit the deadline I set and now am having second thoughts, and the older I get the more I realize that I don’t think I want to be a single parent. I’m also a bit of an eternal optimist, and while sometimes it seems so impossible and I definitely struggle with that, I still have hope that maybe it will still happen the way I want it to.
Beachbum and SingingSteph mentioned egg freezing, and I’ve been looking into this more seriously over the past couple of months too. And I’m so torn about it because on the one hand I’m so grateful that the option is there, but on the other hand there are some pretty big drawbacks as others have mentioned (cost, impact of all those hormones on your body, etc.). If I had a crystal ball and some way to know that 5 years in the future I’d be in the right relationship, I would do it in a heartbeat. But with my track record so far, I think the mostly likely scenario is that I won’t be, and if I feel like I do today then I’m not sure I’d want to use those eggs to have a child on my own. I wish there was some way for my 35 year old self to figure out how my 40 year old self would feel about this. Such hard decision…
Thanks SingingSteph. That’s such a great point about chemistry and figuring that out right away. So good to hear these positive experiences!
Thanks for this post, Sara. I agree with everything you wrote. I think for me it just comes down to respect – definitely in terms of language and tone but also in avoiding generalizations. I’m assuming we’re all here because we connected with It’s Not You, which focuses on debunking the myths and generalizations about single people that are so prevalent in our society. So with that in mind, when a post implies that all women (or men) are a certain way and if we only did x, y and z we would have more success in finding love, it seems to go against the very premise of the book, and by extension, the purpose of this community. While it hasn’t been directly stated, those generalizations imply (intentionally or not) that we are collectively too picky, too closed-minded, too negative, etc. I can only speak to my own experience, but I know I don’t see myself reflected in the way that women have been portrayed in certain comments. I know for myself, I’m going to make a conscious effort not to post anything stating that most/all men are ______ because 1) that isn’t constructive or helpful, and 2) I just don’t believe it to be true. I think you gave some really great suggestions for how to offer advice or feedback in a way that’s free of blame and respects the fact that we all have different experiences.
I’m so grateful for this community, and even though we’re all still new to each other I already feel connected to people through our shared experience. It’s so good to have a place to talk about this stuff with people who get it and who have been there too. Thank you for getting this discussion started. Those are my two cents, for whatever they’re worth. Looking forward to hearing from others too!
Acceptance and hope…that tricky balance.
That sums it up so perfectly, LoneStar!
And I agree with Soul that all we really have in life is the current moment. With that in mind, is there really any other option than to try to make the best of it? It may not be what we would have chosen, but we can still choose what we do with the life that we currently have, and in a world where so many things are beyond there control, there’s something kind of empowering about that.
I posted this in the Other Great Writers/Publications/Works topic but thought it fit well here too for anyone who might not be reading both threads. Tara Henley’s documentary ’39’ about women reaching their 40’s without having kids:
I was invited to two different events for today, a baptism and a baby shower (a stellar combination that had me remembering and wishing for the days when having two simultaneous invitations made me feel happy/popular/included instead of just crappy!). I’m feeling a bit emotional in general this weekend, but I went to the baptism and spent most of the service blinking back tears and thinking about whether I could be okay with never having a family. I distinctly remember turning 30 and telling myself that if I made it to 35 and still didn’t have a partner, I would start looking into having a child on my own. I was sure that by then I’d be ready – I’d be five years older and wiser, in a better place financially, and just more capable at life in general. It also still felt far enough away, and while I continued to hold that idea in my mind, it was more just a comforting back up plan than anything I thought about too seriously. Fast forward five years, here I am at 35. And while all of those things above are true to some degree, I don’t feel at ready at all. There are just so many barriers, plus life is more complicated now in other ways, and rather than feeling empowered by the idea it mostly just makes me feel sad. I know I still have some time to figure this out, but it’s scary to think of that window starting to close and a bit jarring to come to terms with the fact that my back up plan maybe isn’t the best plan after all. Lots to think about for sure. ZoeLove, thanks for your words above – you are so right that things can change quickly and I love having that hope to hold on to.
I’m loving all these suggestions…keep them coming!
I was reminded today about Tara Henley’s documentary ’39’, which was inspired by her experience as a single woman without children approaching her 40th birthday. It’s thought-provoking and worth a listen if you’re struggling with this and want to feel less alone.
Thanks for sharing your experiences, eldogg. I agree that coaching and therapy are not the same thing, and that there are definitely situations where therapy is probably the better choice. But as someone who has had some coaching with Sara, I just wanted to say that my experience with her was very different from what you described in your post. Yes, she gave me some suggestions for how to meet people and how to handle the question about my lack of relationship experience when it comes up on dates (because I had asked for them), but beyond that we didn’t talk at all about how to behave on a date, what to wear, how to get a second date, etc. In fact, a lot of what we talked about didn’t have much to do with dating at all. Our discussion mostly centred around helping me deal with negative emotions and thinking patterns in a more positive way, coping with a difficult family situation (unrelated to dating, although it was impacting my dating experience to some degree), and practicing mindfulness. I think there is a place for dating coaches and a place for traditional therapy, but I would describe what Sara does as falling somehwere in the middle. She has knowledge, experience, and access to resources in a wide variety of areas, with the added benefit of being someone who understands what it’s like to be single for a long time and can offer advice through that lens.
Sara may or may not be the right fit for Lurline93, but I just thought it was important to accurately reflect what it’s like to work with her. That way she (and anyone else who might be reading these posts) can make an informed decision for themselves and what would be best for their own unique situation.
Lurline93, good for you for not letting that ridiculous response get to you! I hate that so many so-called “relationship experts” give such awful advice. I completely agree that our experience needs to be better reflected in mainstream culture, and it seems like that’s finally starting to happen thanks to writers like Sara Eckel, Sasha Cagen, Melanie Notkin and others. I know we still have a long way to go, but it’s a start, and I’m so grateful to them for telling their stories and sparking discussions and connections that will lead to positive change.
Thanks beachbum and Savvygirl. I haven’t had much luck with singles events either, but speed dating sounds like it might be a better option, both for its structure and for its balance between genders. Glad to hear you had a positive experience beachbum!
Lurilene93, I’m sorry you’re feeling that way and I’m glad you reached out with your question. I think a lot of us here can really relate. I’m in my 30’s now but I remember having similar feelings when I was 23. At the time I felt so alone with my lack of relationship experience, but since then I have heard so many stories of people who found love for the first time in their late 20’s, 30’s and beyond. You’re still very young, and it just takes one person. Like ZoeLove said, things can change in an instant, so don’t lose hope.
In terms of therapy, ZoeLove’s experience has been similar to mine. I did some coaching with Sara earlier this year and she was wonderful – so kind and supportive, and she helped me sort through my thoughts and feelings and figure out some good next steps. I would wholeheartedly recommend her if you’re looking for someone to talk to. I agree with ZoeLove that it’s important to find a therapist who understands our experience. Sara is married now but was also single for a number of years, and I really like that she can offer an understanding of both perspectives (being single and being in a long-term relationship).
My only other experience with therapy was about a year before my session with Sara, and it wasn’t the most positive experience. I only did one session and to be fair, I was seeking help primarily for another reason (coping with a parent’s cancer diagnosis), but my single status came up during the conversation (it was a period of time when I was feeling very sorry for myself, dealing with loneliness and a difficult family situation while watching many of my friends get married and start their families). She wasn’t very supportive and didn’t seem to understand where I was coming from or why I couldn’t just fix it if I really wanted to. I think it can be difficult for people who found love more easily to appreciate that it doesn’t happen like that for everyone, and I left that session feeling empty and misunderstood.
I think therapy can be really valuable, but it’s important to find the right person, and sometimes it can take time to find a good fit. As someone who didn’t really start talking about this stuff until my 30’s, I wish I had done so sooner, for whatever that’s worth (I don’t know if it would have changed the outcome but I think it would have helped me to feel better about myself at least). Sending you a big hug and lots of support.
Thank you for the suggestions everyone. They’re great. I really like the dog park idea. I don’t have a dog, but there’s a dog park with trails pretty close to my house, so I’m going to start walking there sometimes. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that one before! Thanks eldogg. :)
I’ve done paint nights, cooking workshops, yoga, running clubs, and singles events but it seems like everything I sign up for is 95% women. So not impossible to meet someone but definitely not the greatest odds (although good for trying to meet new friends and that has value too). And beachbum, I totally agree that going places and doing things that you wouldn’t normally want to do just for the purpose of trying to meet someone is exhausting. I’ve done that too and it just made me feel resentful. I guess it’s about putting effort in in ways that still allow for staying true to yourself and your interests, and being open to the possibility of reaching out and making those connections in whatever it is that you happen to be doing.
Eldogg, I think that’s a really good point about controlling our expectations and giving it time to see if attraction develops. And I like what you said about what can happen when you do have that instant attraction. I hadn’t really thought about it that way before, but you’re right that in an online dating setting that make things feel more complicated than they might if you met someone in the real world, and that might lead people to pull back. Those are the hardest ones for me, when you feel like you’ve connected with someone and then they just disappear (and for me, those instant connections happen pretty rarely so i hate to lose them when they do). I know whenever it doesn’t work out I’m always trying to find an answer as to why, and that probably isn’t the best strategy. It’s good to remember that most of the time there isn’t an answer, that it’s a difficult set of circumstances for everyone to navigate, and that their really isn’t any point in second guessing what I’m doing or trying to read too much into what other people do or don’t do. Thanks for some good food for thought.
