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Mv2308, thanks for sharing. My experience with the holidays is pretty similar to yours. I also find this time of year to be a reminder of how my life isn’t moving forward in the way I want, and my birthday is in December too which doesn’t help (although I guess on the bright side, it gets it all over with at once!). There are so many things to love about this time of year and I know I have a lot to be grateful for, but I’m also constantly battling with my own head, and coping with that for a month’s worth of family and couple-focused events gets really draining. It’s a bizarre mix of happiness and sadness all at once, and it can get really hard to keep putting on a brave face for different social events (that I still want to go to, I just wish they didn’t make me sad).
I’m lucky that I don’t get too many questions from family (but Courtney, I love your strategy for that!), but I’m definitely guilty of assuming that everyone’s judging me for showing up single yet again. I tend to get more questions from friends, and while I know they’re just coming from a place of wanting me to be happy, it’s a hard time of year to have to answer them.
Like mamey2422, I struggle the most with New Year’s Eve. It’s so couple-y, and I think by then I’m just done after fighting for a month to keep my head in a positive space. I completley agree with her advice to not feel obliged to say yes to everything. It’s finding that balance between staying engaged with the most important people in your life and carving out time for yourself to recharge and do whatever makes you happy. That’s my goal this year anyway. We’ll see how it goes.
I’ve read a lot about occupying time when you’re single, but it’s always tinged with this notion of finding hobbies/activities with the intention of meeting someone. I wish the message was more “do these things because they’re worth doing, period.”
That’s so true. I’m doing more things now for me rather than because they might lead me to a parter, and I’m finding it so freeing. It makes me realize how many of our day-to-day choices are based on the messages we get from society, and that often we’re not even all that aware of it. My mom is a feminist and I definitely wasn’t raised to see marriage as the only path to a successful life, but yet I’ve still bought into so much of this stuff. It really makes me think about the societal beliefs that we as women might be unconsciously contributing to, and how that impacts progress. But then I try to reconcile that with my personal desire for companionship, intimacy and all of the good that would come from having a partner to share my life with. How do you navigate those two things?
And Angel88, I’m with you on looking forward to the day where all people have equal value and worth and where we are all free to define ourselves on our own terms. We’ve come a long way but we’ve still got a long way to go.
Love this topic Reds10, and yes, I’ve been thinking about this a lot, especially recently. I remember seeing Rebecca Traister interviewed on a talk show here earlier this year and being so happy that people were talking about this. I haven’t had the chance to read her book but yet still very much want to.
This was the interview, from back in April:
http://www.thesocial.ca/Culture/TheSocialChapter/Why-unmarried-women-possess-a-whole-lot-of-power
She talks about marriage trends from the beginning and the social/political power of single women at about the 6:00 mark. Seven months into the future, I found the ending hard to watch, although I still believe it to be true, I just think it’s just going to happen now in a different way.
I share a similar experience to yours in that most of my friends got married in their late 20’s and early 30’s, and that’s pretty typical for where I live. And while I do very much want a relationship, I’m also relatively happy on my own, and sometimes I question how much of it is actually me wanting it vs. me buying into what society tells me is normal. I think it’s a bit of both, and it’s a strange dichotomy to try to live with. There are times when I’m definitely lonely and very much feel like something is missing, and other times when I’m pretty okay. I would love to be in a relationship, but I want it to be the right one with the right person, and we’re so lucky to live in a time where we have the luxury of being able to choose that. At the same time, I’ll be turning 36 in a few weeks and the pressure of the clock ticking is definitely weighing heavily on my mind. Despite our changing demographics, we’re still a very marriage and family focused culture and it’s hard not to fit into that. But I also really love that single women are providing an alternative path for girls to follow, and I’m proud to set that example for my nieces and for the kids I work with. I definitely agree that we have untapped potential as a group to really influence society as a whole, and it’s empowering to be able to be a part of that. There’s fulfillment in that too, just in a different way than what would come from getting married and having kids.
I feel like I have way more to say about this but really need to get to bed! Thanks for starting such an interesting thread. I’ll definitely be back and I’m looking forward to hearing what others have to say.
Sara shared this article on her Facebook page today and I right away I thought of this thread. It’s a really interesting read, and reflects a lot of the experiences people wrote about above. I know I could definitely relate.
Thoughts?
Thanks LoneStar. Brene Brown is great and I can really relate to that. I’ve definitely struggled with single shame and still do. I like your strategy to think about people who don’t fit into the typical karma narrative. That makes a lot of sense. And thanks for the book info too. I remembered Sara writing about karma but couldn’t remember which chapter yesterday. I’m off to go read that next. :)
And Reds10, this was a big aha moment for me:
I see luck just another potential vehicle for comparison that separates things into “good” and “bad.”
I’ve totally been thinking about it this way and didn’t even realize it until you wrote that. I’ve had my share of “bad” luck over the past few years while many of my friends have had a lot of “good” luck during that same timeframe, and even though in a lot of ways I do believe luck to be random, I have absolutely been attributing meaning to those experiences. Thank you, sincerely, for writing that. I definitely have some reflecting to do on this, and will work on shifting my thinking to see luck for what it really is – neutral, meaningless, and arbitrary. You’re so right that we often try to look for meaning in our lives when really there just isn’t. I need to get better at turning my brain off and not overthinking things.
Lots to think about for sure… thank you so much to both of you for your responses.
Posting again because I’m still thinking about this an hour later (thanks for a great topic Courtney!). What do you guys think about karma? I feel like this is where it gets more complicated for me, because while I don’t buy into the law of attraction so much anymore, sometimes I still struggle with the idea of whether or not karma exists. Not so much the obvious side of karma where you’re aware of it (like when you know you’ve been selfish or rude to someone), but that maybe there’s this aspect to it that we can’t easily see or don’t know about. The logical side of me knows that it doesn’t make sense, and I’ve certainly seen enough examples of crappy things happening to people who don’t deserve them to support that. And on good days, I get that it’s luck, I really do. But on bad days, I still go back to that question of if I’m a good person and making good choices then why isn’t this happening for me? And on really bad days, in my search for an answer, I start coming up with all these potential reasons why I don’t deserve to have what other people do. I guess it’s kind of like a negative spin on the law of attraction, instead of asking what can I do to attract good luck, it’s what did I do to attract bad luck? I know it isn’t healthy or productive to go there, but sometimes I can’t shake this sense that maybe there’s more to it than what I know. Anyone else struggle with this too?
Hey Courtney,
Yes!! I went through a big law of attraction phase several years ago, when I was in my late 20s. I watched The Secret, created a vision board, and made a conscious effort to try to put the right energy out into the universe to attract the things I wanted (and much of that was focused around finding a great boyfriend). I’m cringing even writing about the vision board because in hindsight it sounds pretty ridiculous! But I think I bought into it because I’ve always had this deep-rooted belief that when it came to finding love, everyone else knew something I didn’t. The Secret played right into that for me. And the law of attraction was an intriguing concept, both because it gave me the “answer” I was looking for and because it meant my problem was fixable. That felt really empowering at first. Until it didn’t work. And then I felt horrible, because the problem was no longer just me, but the entire universe working against me.
This was one of my favourite chapters of Sara’s book too, and I totally agree with you that a lot of people attribute their own life experiences to some greater force within the universe when really they’ve just had some good luck on their side. And I think the concept gets reinforced in people because sometimes the law of attraction does seem to work, but indirectly, and for things in life that we have a greater level of control over. For example, if i set the intention that I want to buy a house, I might start being more careful about how I spend my money and end up saving enough for a down payment (this was the part of my vision board that actually did end up happening, so I guess it was good for one thing at least…haha!). It would be easy to attribute that to the law of attraction, when really I was just making better choices. Same for something like wanting to lose weight. But there are certain experiences in life that we want to believe we have control over when really we don’t (definitely falling in love, but also things like surviving cancer, another place where, in my experience, this concept always seems to come up). Even when we make efforts to achieve those things, the outcome is bigger than we are, so it’s easy to attribute it to some greater force in the universe. And I think for a lot of people, it just makes for a better story to tell it that way. But as Lonestar pointed out, it’s super frustrating to keep hearing those stories and wondering why it hasn’t happened for us too. I still fall into that “the universe is against me” trap sometimes, but overall I’m doing better at not getting caught up in it quite so much (but I still have to resist the urge to scream or start debating people on luck vs. fate when I hear their law of attraction stories!). I guess we’re all just looking for an answer, when really there isn’t one. And that’s both freeing and frustrating all at the same time.
Oh I can sooo relate to this!! I’m the oldest of my siblings/step-siblings and also the oldest cousin on one side of the family (all early 20’s to mid 30’s so it’s prime time for weddings and babies). I know that complicated set of mixed emotions well, feeling happiness, sadness, jealousy and resentment all at the same time. It’s something I really struggle to navigate, and the question of “What’s wrong with me?” is one I ask myself in this situation more than any other. I know everything happens in it’s own time, but it’s so hard not to take it personally when one person after another keeps finding the one thing I want most in life. And like LoneStar wrote, I have a habit of judging myself for those negative emotions, which I know just makes everything more difficult. I’m trying not to do that so much, but it’s still a work in progress.
The one thing I will say though, at least for my siblings, is that those relationships eventually brought me my nieces. And while that’s complicated too in it’s own way, because I still hope to have kids of my own, it’s also one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. If I had known at the time that they would exist and how much I would love them and love being their aunt, I think it would have made it a little easier to get through. I know that isn’t everybody’s path, but maybe it’s something to think about if you’re having a hard time at certain points in this process with your sister, Courtney.
Thinking of you both. I hope it helps, at least a little bit, to know you’re not alone.
Hi Lurline93,
I’ve had similar experiences and can definitely relate. I’ve always made friends pretty easily and have kept a close group of friends from each of my major life stages – high school, university, travel experiences, various jobs I’ve had. Some of those friends live in other places now, and many are at a different stage of life at the moment than I am (and sometimes that makes me feel a bit disconnected, which i posted about in another thread), but overall those relationships developed easily and have stood the test of time.
Romantic love hasn’t come so easily. I’ve had several 1-2 month relationships and lots of first/second/third dates, but nothing beyond that. I’ve fallen for guys who haven’t loved me back, and I’ve had guys fall for me who I haven’t been into. I never seem to click with anyone who also clicks with me.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about why this is and I don’t really have an answer. But I do think that while we often compare them and many of the skills involved are the same, finding a relationship is just a messier, more complicated process than finding and building friendships. With friendship, you have the time and the space to let those relationships develop at their own pace and with multiple people at a time. Eventually, some of those people might become part of your inner circle, but it doesn’t have the same impact if they don’t, because you still have other friends. With dating, there are so many other things on the table – sex/intimacy, exclusivity, etc. – that don’t come into play with friendship. You’re trying to find one specific person who can meet all of your needs, whereas with friends different people can take on different roles (the friend you call for a fun night out might not be the same person you would call after getting bad news). The stakes are just higher with dating, and the stars need to align in a much greater way for it all to work out. I don’t know if that helps, but I know that when I think about it this way I’m not quite as hard on myself for the fact that it hasn’t happened yet.
It sounds like you have great relationship building skills and lots of good things going on in your life, and I think you just need to keep doing what you’re doing. Those experiences will only make your life richer, and you never know who you might meet through the friendships you’ve made and whether that might lead to finding love down the road. All you can do is keep reaching out and trying to make connections with people. The rest really just comes down to luck.
Thanks so much to both of you for your posts. It helps to know there are other people out there who can relate.
Courtney550, I agree that the holidays are hard. It was my experience at a family gathering last weekend that led me to start this thread, so your post was perfectly timed and I can really relate to all the examples you gave. Like you, this seems to only happen to me at certain times – big family get togethers and social events with groups of married friends who all have kids. When I’m out with a group of my work friends, for example, it’s never an issue, but we’re all at different life stages and the conversation is a lot more varied (and in my opinion so much better!).
Reds10, I like the idea of trying to see people one-on-one, and how it helps to keep the conversation more balanced. I’ve definitely found this has worked in my own friendships. I also think I need to do a better job of putting my own stuff out there again when I see my married friends in groups, and I also need to stop assuming (probably incorrectly) that they don’t want to talk about other topics. I’ve had enough experiences now where it’s all just mom talk that I can see the pattern that’s been developing within myself. I sit back and listen because I don’t have much to contribute, feel more and more disconnected as the conversation continutes, feel crappy about that and then start judging myself (both for feeling that way and for not sharing the same major life experiences as everyone else). Once I start going down that path at a social event, it’s really hard to snap myself back out of it, so I think I need to be more conscious of that and do a better job of actively trying not to let it happen. I’m heading out for dinner with friends in a few hours so we’ll see how it goes! Thanks again to both of you for your ideas.
Thanks for this post, Valentine. I’m around the same age as you and have struggled for most of my adult life with the idea of owning my story, so I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. This is still a work in progress for me – there’s a part of me now that very much knows that nothing is wrong with me, but I feel like that side of myself is still going to battle with years and years of thinking differently.
“How can I make a true connection if I’m not showing up as myself?” This is such a good point you made, and it’s had me reflecting on how this has impacted my own dating experiences in the past. I have always tried to hide certain aspects of myself, but I think you’re right that it’s better to just be real. The rejection I fear from others is really nothing more than a good indication that that’s not the right person for me, and just like you said, it’s better to know sooner rather than later. I am working hard to reframe my thinking to see that as a positive thing, but like I said above, it’s a work in progress.
Thanks again for your post. I wish I had something more profound to say, but I hope it helps to know that you’re not alone.
Thanks misstree. That’s so interesting about peoples’ responses and the hidden messages that their reassurances provide. I’d never thought about it that way before but that’s so true, and reflecting on that makes me realize that I’ve been interpreting those comments that way without really ever being aware of it. Some great food for thought for sure. I’ll definitely have to check out that book. :)
Love Reflections on the Pale Blue Dot too… it’s been a long time since I’ve seen that but a great reminder.
Thank you so much Mistree, that’s really kind of you to say that. I’ve appreciated your thoughtful responses too, and loved the thread you started with the Alain de Botton quote.
That’s a great question and finding that balance is something I definitely struggle with. Some days I’m at peace with my life as it is and other days I’m really not, but overall I’m more accepting of those ups and downs than I used to be and I think the reason for that has mostly come from another experience in my life. My mom was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, and while it’s been really hard going through that, the time since then has also been the source of some of my family’s best and most beautiful moments. Living with that has helped me to see that it’s possible for good and bad to exist within the same experience, and I think to some degree I’ve been able to apply that to being single as well. And now when I’m feeling happy or grateful one day and then sad or frustrated the next, I think I’m a little less hard on myself than I used to be. I still wish my emotions were more consistent (well, consistently happier at least), but I think I’m more accepting now of the fact that life is messy and that’s okay. I can still be pretty hard on myself for the same things you mentioned, but not quite as much as before, and I guess in some ways that’s been a silver lining to a difficult situation.
Jacqueline that’s so true!! I would add cleaning to the list as well (that “Clean all the things?” meme from Hyperbole and a Half comes to mind here!). And not to play into gender stereotypes too much, but also mowing the lawn, shoveling snow, taking my car in, and fixing things around the house. I know there are lots of women out there who do all of that, but I also know that many of my married friends have the luxury of never having to worry about any of that stuff. I’m not big on traditional gender roles and that’s not the type of relationship I want, but if I have to shovel the driveway it would be nice to have someone else to clean the bathroom. Having to do everything yourself all the time gets exhausting.
Misstree, I can definitely relate to #1 and #4 really resonates with me as well. It’s crazy how life can feel both full and empty all at the same time.
And mamey2422, I totally agree about the holidays. We’ll have to start a thread here for that when the time gets closer.
