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This looks like it might be a good read…
@Misstree, this is something I’m working on too. I have a tendency to be pretty hard on myself so it’s not a practice that always comes easily to me. I think for me, self-compassion has been about paying closer attention to my thoughts and avoiding negative self-talk. And in becoming more aware of my own thoughts, I’ve also come to realize that I spend a lot of time thinking about what other people are thinking and making assumptions related to that. I know it isn’t helpful or productive, so I’m making a conscious effort to notice when I’m doing that and to stop. It’s been good to see the power in that and the postive impact it’s had on my life overall.
What do I struggle with? Finding balance in how I’m spending my time, feeling like I’m not doing enough in any aspect of my life and feeling guilty when I take time to focus on myself or spend too much time on one area instead of others. Thoughts along the lines of I should be a better daughter/aunt/friend/teacher/co-worker etc. creep into my head pretty often, and while sometimes that pressure comes from other people in my life, most of the time it comes from myself. I think I struggle more to be kind to myself in this particular area compared to others.
What do you find works for you?
@Reds10, thanks for sharing that piece. I love reading things that challenge my own belief and the norms within our culture. Definitely validating for those of us who are waiting for the right partner, and I thought it was a really interesting point about how statistics can be skewed (and crazy to think that so many studies on the benefits of marriage don’t include people who are divorced). That definitely makes me question what other information I have taken at face value to be true when the research itself might flawed. Thanks for an interesting read.
@Angel88, I totally hear you on the ghosting…so frustrating and so discouraging. I’m sorry that happened to you, and I can definitely relate to the experience you shared. It’s really hard when someone seems promising and then they’re just gone with no explanation.
And @Courtney550, thank you for what you wrote. Wise words and good for us all to remember.
Count me in as another member of the “you didn’t do anything wrong club”. I too went through a period where I was online dating pretty regularly and couldn’t figure out why it just wasn’t clicking with anyone. @Beachbum, I can really relate to what you wrote about that endless cycle of questioning yourself after each disappointment, and how exhausting it is to maintain over long periods of time. I geniunely believed for many years that I had some fundamental flaw that I just to wasn’t able see within myself, and I was desparate to figure out what it was and what others had that I was missing. I now know, thanks to Sara’s book and a lot of thinking and questioning my beliefs about myself and others, that nothing is wrong. And that has been so freeing.
The other ones that resonated with me were “Separate these emotions from the person you just met” and “Don’t let all your emotions go into the gutter.” I find that now that I’m moving into the second half of my 30’s, my experience with dating has changed. On the one hand, I’m doing a lot less of it (partly by choice due to the reasons we’ve all mentioned, and partly due to life circumstances), but I haven’t completely given up online dating. It just feels like the stakes are so much bigger now because the clock is ticking, and as a result my hopes are higher and my lows are lower. I know I need to work on just relaxing into whatever happnes, but it’s hard not to feel that stress when the next few years are so critical. I sometimes wonder if I’m going to turn 40 and suddenly all the pressure will be gone and dating will actually become fun again. Who knows? Wishful thinking maybe, but in the meantime I need to figure out how to lose some of that pressure now.
Courtney, I totally hear you on the trying. I was feeling pretty down yesterday too, between Mother’s Day and attending a wedding on Saturday. So much to celebrate and be grateful for, but also lots of mixed feelings as a result. I just keep telling myself that it only takes a day for life to completely change, and you never know who or what might be around the corner. Hope your day today was a little better.
@Courtney550 and @beachbum, weddings stir up such a complicated mix of emotions sometimes, don’t they? I can really relate to what both of you wrote and how hard it can be to feel like you’re in a different stage of life from your friends. I definitely felt that way when most of my friends were getting married, and then again a second time when they all started having kids. I love the advice beachbum gave about reframing the story, that if you’re going to be part of the wedding to try to see the experience as something positive for yourself. I’ve been a bridesmaid a few times, and for whatever it’s worth, when I look back on those weddings today (5-10 years later), I’m happy I was in them. While there were times I felt conflicted and those friendships have changed to some degree since then, when I think about those weddings now I mostly just remember the good stuff. There were some really fun experiences associated with them, and in some ways I feel like they’ve kept me closer to those friends moving forward as our lives have continued to change. I know every situation and every friendship is different, but if you’re still feeling conflicted, Courtney, maybe that helps a little bit. Have you decided what you’re going to do yet?
Thanks Reds10. I can definitely relate to needing those breaks from internet dating. I think it can be hard for people who haven’t really had to do it for a prolongued period of time (ie: most of my married friends) to understand what it’s really like.
I’m glad to hear you’ve found that balance. It gives me some hope that one day I’ll get there too. Really appreciate you sharing your thoughts on this.
@Beachbum and @Reds10, thank you both for sharing your thoughts. I like the suggestion of the three month check in. For anyone trying to find middle ground between staying living in the present and focusing on the future, this seems like it strikes the right balance between the two. As someone who definitely struggles with this, I think that’s a really good way to think about it, so thank you for that.
I like that you both shared ideas that related to thinking in broader terms about both the present and the future. You’re right that I need to expand my definition of what it means to move forward, and to look beyond just whether or not I’ve found a relationship as a measure of growth or success. And I know I need to learn to just relax into the things in life I can’t control and let them be what they are (still a work in progress but I’m trying!).
I think for me, and I didn’t convey this very well in my first post, it’s also about trying to find emotional balance, and managing the emotional impact of dating within a life that lately has been filled with a lot of other ups and downs. This piece touches on that, and those little losses of hope can be difficult when you’re trying hard to hold onto hope in other areas of your life as well.
Thanks again to both of you for your posts. You’ve given me some good things to think about for sure.
@beachbum, yeah, I didn’t love that part either. I feel like people who got married and had children in their 20’s or early 30’s sometimes project their experiences onto others, and therefore make unfair/untrue assumptions about people who didn’t follow the same path (one being that we aren’t truly adults yet, and the other that we are single and/or haven’t had children by choice). My experience has been similar to yours and I agree that it’s really frustrating to hear those types of comments.
I remember hearing a statistic last year that for the first time ever, there were more babies born to women over 40 in Canada than to teenagers. And while I see that as a great thing for our society overall, it was interesting to hear the various comments in the media when that news story came out. Rather than focusing on any of the positive aspects to that statistic (reduced teen pregnancy rates, the impact of comprehenensive sex ed programs in schools, better fertility-preserving options, etc.), most of the discussion seemed to center around whether women were waiting too long to have kids. And the underlying assumption in many of those comments that it was a conscious choice really bothered me. Certainly in some cases it is, but a lot of people couldn’t seem to see that for many of us it’s just circumstance. We didn’t “forget” to have kids (seriously, who does that?!), or choose to only focus on work. but yet that’s the narrative that seems to be applied to us all too often. I agree that there is a lack of understanding, and by extension, a lack of empathy, and that can be really hard.
But despite all that, I like seeing stories like this (minus the awful quotes!), if for no other reason than it helps expand what our society sees as an acceptable path in life. And while I don’t think I would choose this particular option for myself, I like that it’s out there because maybe it’s the right path for someone else. My hope it that having that greater diversity in experience will one day make it easier for all of us.
I love what you wrote at the end of your post.
I’ve always just found that forcing things to happen that haven’t happened on their own hasn’t worked well for me. Accepting new paths and trying to find new ways to be happy has.
Such wise words. Thank you for sharing that.
I know this is an old thread but I came across a couple of articles this week that I thought were interesting. I’ve heard of people doing this with friends, but I didn’t realize co-parenting sites existed until reading these:
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/co-parenting-modamily-singles-children-1.3982908
Would you consider something like this? It seems like a huge thing to take on with a stranger (although maybe I’d feel differently if it were a friend?), and I feel like there are some pretty big potential downfalls. But it would also provide a solution to some of the barriers to single parenting, and that’s made me pause and think about whether I could see myself doing this. I feel pretty conflicted – on the one hand we’re so lucky to live at a time when we have so many options available to us. But on the other hand, none of them feel quite right for me, and then how do you choose?
Hi Angelita,
I don’t really have anything to suggest beyond what you already wrote, but I just wanted to say that I miss this too. And I agree that it goes beyond finding that physical contact from someone you don’t know, because there’s an emotional aspect to it as well (like wanting a really good hug, but also wanting it to come from someone who understands why I need it). I wish I had more to add or suggest, but just wanted to say that I get it. Thanks for starting this topic. And your English is great. :)
Hi CameraObscuraFan,
I haven’t used Meetup.com (so take this for whatever it’s worth!), alhough I’ve considered it as an alternative to online dating, but I can see how it would be a good way to find new friendships too. One thing that might be helpful is to try to find something else in common with someone from one of your groups (beyond whatever shared interest brought the two of you to the meetup group in the first place), because that then gives you an avenue to move that friendship forward into other areas of your life. An example from my own life – I have a fairly new friend who I have known for several years through work. We have the same job, but in different locations, and would see each other maybe four times a year at various work events. We always got along well when we saw each other through work, but up until about a year ago I would have considered her more of an acquaintence than a friend. What changed was that we were chatting at one of those work events and realized we shared a common family experience – her mom had the same type of cancer that my mom has. From there we made plans to go for coffee to talk more about that, and now we see each other outside of work on a pretty regular basis. I’m happy she’s come into my life, but it took finding that additonal connection to really start building that friendship, and I think the same principle might apply for things like Meetup groups/courses/volunteer work or any other experiences where you see the same people regularly but for a particular purpose. I truly have no idea if that’s the right approach (or if there even IS a “right” approach!) but that’s something that’s worked for me in the past. Is there someone from one of your movie groups who might like to go with you to one of the music meetups, for example?
Do you think if people realised being alone isn’t that scary after all, they would be less likely to stay on in unfulfilling relationships?
I think so too, both for people who stay in unhappy long-term relationships and those who float from one relationship to the next and never seem to be single for longer than a couple of months. There’s a similar link in another thread, but eHarmony did a survey in the UK recently that supports this:
And I thought this article from Psychology Today was interesting too:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201401/learning-love-not-fear-being-single
While it hasn’t always been easy to be single for a long time, this quote, in particular, has me seeing the positives in that experience: “Such settling reveals a sad paradox: those who most closely link happiness with being in a relationship may, out of a fear of being single, reduce their ability to find happiness within a romantic relationship.” I’m very grateful that I don’t fear being alone, and like Reds10 wrote about above, that’s a quality I’m looking for in a partner too. If I’m lucky enough to find that elusive long-term relationship, I know it will be on my own terms and with someone who enriches the life I have built on my own (and vice versa).
So I guess that leads to the next question, can those negative perceptions in others be changed? Will our society as a whole ever come to view singlehood through a more positive lens? I feel like things are changing, but slowly. I wonder if we’ll ever get to the point where both paths in life are equally valued.
Love that poem, @misstree. Thanks for sharing.
