Body contact

[angelita]

Dear community,

among many other things I miss during my single life, one that sometimes is really hard to bear is not having physical contact with another person. I am not just talking about sex but more about cuddling or just sleeping next to somebody else and feel his skin and warmth. I can do things on my own or meet up with other people if I do not want to be alone, but for this special thing I need somebody I trust. So going out and find somebody for a ONS would not be an option for me since it is not what I need. Nearly all of my friends are in a relationship and/or have children so I feel they cannot really understand how it is not to be able to be close to another person. It is also kind of hard to admit that as it makes me feel so needy. But sometimes I just miss it that much it hurts. I try to go to massages every now and then and go tango dancing (the good thing about it being a very close dance), but it does not take away that longing.
Does anyone of you feel the same? And how do you cope with it?

P.S. Sorry for any mistakes, I am not a native English speaker…

[MidlifeBookworm]

Hi Angelita,

Yes there’s times when a simple hug would be really nice. There is a wellbeing project at my local church and sometimes I get massage therapy there which I think helps a bit, but sometimes it also reminds me of what I’m missing. I don’t have an answer I am afraid but I will be following this discussion with interest.

[misstree]

Hi angelita

I can completely relate to what you’re feeling! It’s normal – human beings are mammals after all, so we thrive on physical closeness/touch. Not sure where you live, but the professional cuddling movement is really taking off in the US (and I think Europe). Maybe thats’s something you can explore? Just google “professional cuddling” and you’ll find scores of articles on videos of this movement.

Admittedly, it’s a bit weird at first to imagine paying someone to cuddle you, but I really think it’s not much different from getting a massage. Human beings really need touch in our lives – again, simply google “human beings need touch” and you’ll see scores of articles about why touch is so important in our lives, and how a lack of touch can actually have negative effects on our health!

Feel free to reach out if you wanna chat more :)

[mariposa]

Hi Angelita,

I don’t really have anything to suggest beyond what you already wrote, but I just wanted to say that I miss this too. And I agree that it goes beyond finding that physical contact from someone you don’t know, because there’s an emotional aspect to it as well (like wanting a really good hug, but also wanting it to come from someone who understands why I need it). I wish I had more to add or suggest, but just wanted to say that I get it. Thanks for starting this topic. And your English is great. :)

[angelita]

Yes mariposa, I think that is the important thing: the emotional aspect. Of course I want the other person to touch me, too and that there is some kind of connection…
It feels good to know that you all understand what I mean and that I am not the only one who misses it.

[courtney550]

I completely agree that physical touch is a huge aspect of well being for many people (myself included). I remember being lonely and thinking one night stands would help, but it just made me feel empty and more lonely. It’s difficult to come up with a solution for this, but I really like that CameraObscuraFan mentioned massage. That may be a helpful, healthy way to gain more human-to-human physical contact.

[LoneStar]

This is something that I have been struggling with as well, especially because I live alone and don’t really feel comfortable getting all touchy-feely with my female friends (hugs are nice and I have been working on being a better recipient as well as giver of hugs). I didn’t realize how much I was craving physical touch/affection until…I know this is going to sound weird…my cat came into my life, lol. He was affectionate even from the beginning and holding him/petting his soft fur just feels so nice. I even force hugs on him when I have no one else to hug, lol (seriously having a cat has made a difference). But, it’s shown me that physical contact is more important to me than I previously thought and can be very hard some days, as others have mentioned because of the emotional connection with it.

[Angel88]

Funny how I read this today. I have been sort of going out with someone and I already know all too well he’s not who I am looking for. One of the many reasons why is this: physical touch with him is mainly sexual, otherwise I get none of the kind I crave. I am more of a cuddly, hold hands, hug and kiss spontaneously and for no reason, but he isn’t, at least not with me. I was at his place last night and I found myself initiating every single non-sexual touch. He reciprocates, but there’s no connection, I don’t feel him wanting it or fully welcoming it and enjoying it. It is so damn frustrating.
I am already clear on one thing I absolutely need and it’s affection, both through physical touch and words.

[LoneStar]

@Angel88, Do you think he’s someone who is open and receptive to learning about and “speaking” your love language of affection through words and touch? Some people are not very touchy feely (I know of a few friends who do not like it at all lol) but have to learn to do it for the sake of showing love the way the other person “gets it”. My guess is, from what you said, he’s not. :/

[Angel88]

LoneStar, honestly I’m not sure if he’s open to it. We met in April and we had a bit of an issue back in May when we both stopped texting each other because each of us assume the other wasn’t interested. He ended up seeking me out at an event after three weeks of silence and we found out we both assumed wrong. After that though, I kind of got a bit discouraged even though we’ve been talking and meeting and such. Contact in between getting together has dwindled and he’s been traveling around with his friends a lot. I don’t really see potential with him though. We never have conversations that go deeper. I seem to be the only one trying to get to know him and his answers are rather too simple. He just doesn’t seem to be in a place in which he’s looking for a girlfriend. He never buys, he doesn’t do much to “get me” so to speak, so I haven’t really brought anything up. I don’t feel very confident in the whole thing and frankly, he’s just not the guy I want. I thought I would be ok just being casual, but when we got intimate, I was left dissatisfied so I don’t even see the point in casual either.
He’s away on vacation yet again now, so once we see each other again, I will ask a few questions and say a few things. I figure things will be over after that talk.
I am aware of love languages, but for me to even go there, I will need to be committed in a way with that person, I need a foundation to start that talk and I just don’t have that with this guy. So I think it’s not worth trying with him.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m being too radical, but I’ve been burned so many times because of my good intentions that I just don’t feel like “teaching” a man anything.
I don’t know. What do you think?

[LoneStar]

Sometimes I wonder if I’m being too radical, but I’ve been burned so many times because of my good intentions that I just don’t feel like “teaching” a man anything.
I don’t know. What do you think?

I’m with you. I don’t feel I should be teaching a grown man how to be a gentleman or how to be in a relationship. Yes, I can tell him certain specific things like my specific needs or specific triggers, but general stuff like basic communication….no. I feel that kind of coddling has gotten us where we are, with lots of man-children who can’t make good husbands to mature adult women. (I know, I sound bitter lol).

If a man needs to grow up, I am of the opinion that he needs space and to do so on his own, not for a woman to help him.

I also believe women need to trust their intuition and listen to their gut feelings. We’re constantly told that we’re imagining something when we feel “not right” about something, but then kick ourselves when we turn out to be right.

He may turn out to be a great guy eventually, but if he’s not being a great guy to you right now, I don’t believe there’s anything you can do to help him/change that.

[Angel88]

“If a man needs to grow up, I am of the opinion that he needs space and to do so on his own, not for a woman to help him.”

I have been working on getting this point. It echoes what several dating experts and advice tells us women. And I happen to agree. I still feel a bit “guilty” though about not helping, but I also know it’s my thoughts today restling with what I have been socialized to believe and do as a “good, self-sacrificing, Florence Nightingale” kind of woman.
I do think he’s simply immature. I don’t think “he’s just not that into me” as most people just leave it. Instead, I know what it is that might be precluding him from “being into me” and it’s the fact that he’s younger than me both physically and emotionally as well as mentally, he’s still in that mode of hanging out with his (predominantly male) friends, and I can see they have quite an influence on him, which is ok for a youngish guy, but not for the guy I want. He’s also very attached to his family and such and it just seems that, although he’s ambitious and working on building his life professionally and all, he’s still not self-aware, not mature, nor that much of a thinker the way I am. From what I can see so far of course. He’s a happy go lucky kind of guy, who’s attractive, but still not very knowledgeable of women and such. I guess he doesn’t need to be because for some girls, younger girls like his ex-girlfriend, pretty and position are all.
Not for me, a grown woman who doesn’t really buy status nor looks, but maturity and depth, plus affection. I am also on the way of maturing more, but I feel I am a bit farther along on that path than he is.
I like him and all, but I don’t feel like teaching him, nor helping him mature. Been there, done that. He’s a good guy and has great potential, but another thing I’ve learned is that “good/great guy” and potential are not enough.

My loneliness though… It kicks me some days and hard.
But I am wide awake to know what is happening. I guess that’s called progress.

[Author]

Posts