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This is something I struggle with too. I’ve been on a break from online dating for about a year now (due to a combination of personal choice and family circumstances), although I’m starting to think about giving it another try. I agree with the comments above that it’s a lot of work and a big time committment, often with very little payoff, and it isn’t easy to keep putting myself out there when it never seems to work out. I find it really hard to balance being hopeful and being realistic – the logical side of me knows that with the marjoity of people I meet there won’t be a romantic connection (as there wouldn’t been with most people I meet in “real” life too), but the emotional side of me gets my hopes up and then I get really down on myself when things wouldn’t work out. And the more unsuccessful dates I went on the more resentful I felt about having to keep doing this while most of my friends were lucky enough to just meet their partners while going about their day to day lives. This year away from it has shown me that I am happier when I’m not online dating, but since I haven’t met any potential dating partners in the “real world” this year, it’s also made it apparent that, for me at least, online dating is my best chance to find love. And there lies the catch 22, because while I’m happier now, I often worry that it’s at the expense of my happiness in the future. And so I think about giving it another shot, and the cycle continues.
I don’t have the answer but I like what eldogg wrote that the important things in life don’t always come easy. And that goes for dating online or trying to meet people in other ways. We all need to do what feels right for us, and I think that as long as we are true to that then maybe we can’t really go wrong. I agree that the potential is there (both online and in the real world), and I try to keep reminding myself that it only takes one person to totally change the course of a life.
I love your post Alisenj and agree wholeheartedly with everything you wrote. I agree with you that falling in love is not fully within our control, and while there are things we can do to somewhat increase our chances, we may as well enjoy the path we’re on, even if it’s not the path we would have chosen.
That’s a great point CameraObscuraFan! It’s such a good feeling to be able to just do the things you want when you want to do them. Hope you enjoyed the play!
Saw this on Facebook today. It’s short and sweet but I liked it:
Why You Should Stop Telling Me to Find Someone:
http://m.huffpost.com/ca/entry/7905818ZoeLove, thank you for your post. I have been struggling with the same situation and relate so much to everything you wrote. We all want to talk about the things that matter most to us, so I understand why my friends want to talk with each other about their kids, but it makes it so hard for me to feel like I am part of the conversation. It’s an awful experience to be among a group of your closest friends and yet feel completely isolated, but that seems to happen to me more and more lately. I also find it hard to listen to my friends complaining about the difficult aspects of both marriage and motherhood. I have no doubt that both can be very hard and I understand their need to vent about it, but sometimes I just want to ask them if they have any idea how lucky they are and how much I would give for the lives that they have with their partners and children. It isn’t easy and sometimes makes me feel like I need a whole new group of friends. I have also thought about talking to them about it, but my fear in doing that is that they might just stop inviting me. I love the friends I have and really value those relationships (some I’ve been friends with since elementary school), so I try to remind myself that this too shall pass, that one day their kids will be older and I will feel more connected to their conversations again. It isn’t easy, but thinking ahead to when that time will come has helped me to feel that things aren’t as hopeless as they sometimes seem.
I have also found it helpful to try to meet up with my friends one-on-one rather than a big group. That isn’t always possible, but I find that when it’s just me and one other person the conversation is a lot more balanced.
It’s hard to find new friends in our 30’s and beyond, and while I’m doing my best expand my circle to include more single/childless friends, it isn’t easy. I’m grateful to have found you all here and have a place to come where there are others who can relate.
All these suggestions are great! Here is the link to Sara and Sasha’s podcast that mamey2422 mentioned. THe topic (Single Shame) is something I really connect with and it’s a good reminder that sometimes we are our own harshest critics.
Hi Alexandra,
I can really relate to everything you wrote in your post, and like the replies above, wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. I’m in my mid-30’s and have never had a long-term relationship, and I have spent much of my life thinking that something was wrong with me and feeling very alone in my experience. I think that for me, similar to what beachbum wrote, I feel most optimistic when I find the right balance between acceptance and hope.
I’ve found that finding others who share this experience has helped, and for me that began when I read Sara’s book. It opened my eyes to the fact that I wasn’t alone, and it helped me understand that my married friends didn’t possess some big secret I’d missed out on and that falling in love really has more to do with luck than anything else. Her story, along with the stories of her friends that she shares, gave me hope that finding love in my late 30’s or 40’s is still possible, even after long-term singlehood.
The other big “aha” moment for me actually came during a situation that had nothing to do with being single. I was listening to someone talk about her journey with infertility, and a conversation that she and her husband had in the middle of four years of trying when they decided that no matter what happened, they would be okay. If they had a baby, their life would be wonderful, and if they didn’t it would also be wonderful (full of adventures, travel, and other experiences that they wouldn’t be able to have with a child). They now have a young daughter, and while their experience couldn’t be more different than mine, I really connected with what she said. Their ability to recognize that the outcome was beyond their control and that no matter what happened, they were going to enjoy their life and make the most of it really resonated with me, and since then I have made a more conscious effort to do that too. I feel like I’m beginning to find the right balance between hope that finding love could still happen for me and acceptance that maybe it won’t, and if it doesn’t that I will be okay and still have a good life.
There is no easy answer to all this but I hope this community helps us all to feel less alone and to connect with others who get it. Like talimeirav, I am sending you a big hug!
Thank you to everyone for your responses. I really appreciate all the different perspectives and suggestions, as well as knowing there are others out there who share the same experience. It’s so great to find a group of people who get it.
This is a big mental barrier for me when dating, and I know it’s something I need to get over. I’m working to shift my thinking so that a negative reaction is a reflection on the person I’m dating rather than on how I see myself. I definitely agree with those who said that it won’t matter to the right person (and I love Sara’s story about how her husband responded, as well as the other success stories people have shared). It gives me hope that maybe I shouldn’t give up yet and some much needed motivation to keep trying.
I too am excited for this community. I have been single for pretty much my enitre life, and until I read Sara’s book I felt very alone in that experience. I have great friends but most of them are married, and my unmarried friends have generally moved quite easily from one relationship into another, so none of them have really shared my experience. It will be good to connect here with other people who can relate. Thank you so much to Sara for getting this community started (and for writing one of my favourite books ever!). It’s definitely worth a read, Henny164. :)
I can definitley relate to “You’re too Picky” and the pressure to go on more dates with someone when you’re not that into them. I have never wanted to settle, and while it’s hard to be single sometimes, for me that’s definitely better than being in the wrong relationship. I heard a quote once that was something along the lines of “there is nothing more lonely than the loneliness that you feel when you’re with another person” and I try to remind myself that when I’m having a hard day.
For me, it’s hard to pick just one chapter, but I definitely loved coming away from the book with the overall idea that my friends in relationships don’t know some big secret that I don’t, and that I’m not doing anything wrong. I have stopped worrying so much about why they found love and I haven’t yet, because I understand now that most of it really just comes down to luck. I still struggle with being single and wish things were different, but I really do have a better outlook on it overall, and have learned to stop obsessing and analyzing over the “why”. Great question Mamey2422… thanks for getting this discussion started!
