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Hi all
Something I’m dealing with now (well, have been for 10 years but has seem to have come to a head) is the issue of losing friends once they couple up.
All my high school friends met their life partners at school or soon after. Because of this, I learned in my early 20s that I needed to branch out on my own and meet some more people, who were also single.
I did and several years later, the same thing happened. They all became coupled up, and gradually moved onto their lives with partners and kids.
I am now on my 3rd group of friends (all ten years younger than me). I really hope these ones stick because they’re great. Largely, they seem to be. Again, they are all coupled now since we met around 4 years ago.
I am smarting particularly today because the last one left, one of my best friends, has gotten to the point in his relationship where he just had time for his partners’ family and not much else. Other than the occasionally catch up with friends.
It hurts. I got upset with him today about it, it’s been building for awhile and on top of feeling alone, I now feel like a bad or selfish friend, despite being v supportive of their relationship from the start, helping him through its ups and downs and encouraging him to pursue it.
I’m 39 and tired of meeting new people only to be left by them when they meet their loves.
How you you guys deal with this? I find myself brimming with anger at this friend all the tome, when I know it’s actually my misplaced loneliness.
I don’t want to feel angry towards my friends anymore. How can I stop?
This is a tough one. I have dealt with this somehow, but it hasn’t only been because of people coupling up. For me, many factors came into play when I lost friends. One factor was that I had a very different trajectory from that of my teenage friends. I started working really early and I had to grow up quicker because I was in different environments from theirs, so we drifted apart. After that, I developed a pattern where I called people friends really early and things became pretty one-sided with me being always there for them and them not reciprocating in some cases. Other times it was me who didn’t really share my issues and then felt depleted when I realized they didn’t really care. I was also being untruthful in how I approached my friendships without realizing it. I didn’t really open up to them and well… Obviously people cannot connect to those who don’t open up.
I’m now in my thirties and because I moved to a new country, I have slowly drifted away from friends back home, plus they also have kids and or partners… In this new country, I only have two close friends, but one lives three hours away and has found herself other friends so we don’t talk as much and the other is kind of a loner so we don’t hang out more than a handful of times a year. It gets pretty lonely and I share your frustration of having to start over with friendships. For me, it has been having patience and understanding that friendships don’t usually last forever, sadly. Friendships transform or end, and there’s very little we can do other than nurturing them and doing our part. How others respond is always beyond our control. I think that acceptance is key, but it’s oh so hard to get to that place. I can imagine your pain and anger, because I’ve also felt those. Allow yourself to feel what you feel without judging yourself. Write, cry, punch a wall about it if you have to. Have a heart to heart with your friends and see if they respond well. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just breathe and take it a day at a time. Sometimes we are too hard on ourselves for feeling sad, angry, or dejected, but we are allowed to let our emotions be and sit with them. They go away quicker by being felt and acknowledged. I hope this phase goes away quickly for you, and that my words somehow help you a bit.Thanks Angel. It’s nice to know other people experience this stuff too. And that the feelings are natural. I agree, you have to feel them to move through them.
I read an article overnight about friendship to help me make sense of it. It said all friendships either transform or die. That really hit home for me. I know I don’t want to lose these people from my life, so I just need to let it be what it is, and let go a little. Things change. You never know, maybe one day I’ll be in a relationship again and some of my friends will need me.
Hi Imogen,
I meant to reply to this weeks ago. I am totally there with you! I’m also on another set of friends who are 10 years younger than me that are now all getting married. It really changes the dynamic of things.
I’m not really sure how to make things better. I get angry too, not so much with my friends but with the fact that our society is so couples-focused. Society seems to treat friendships as a way to fill the void until a partner comes along. Why aren’t there more books on the value of friendships and how to maintain them even when you’re in a relationship?
Sigh.
There’s a book called “Being Single In A CoupkeCouples’ World” by Xavier Amador and Judith Kiersky which has a great chapter towards the end on the feelings of invisibility and “third wheel” feeling that can happen when a friend finds a partner. All too common one friend will be there for the other through a breakup, giving up hours of time, but when the person finds a new partner the amount of time vanishes to almost nothing, the single person has to always visit the coupled one not the other way round etc. I think it’s not so much that the newly-coupled person is such a monster it’s just they have bought into the cultural narrative that being single is a shameful condition best forgotten about once left. Grrr!
Thank you, Camera Obscura. I just downloaded the book you recommended after another particularly difficult evening.
I was seeing my friends (who I adore) and we watched the royal wedding (yep). Of course, I was the only single while everyone else was there with their loves, stroking eachother’s hair, planning their weekends and giggling over private jokes.
I had to leave early, it was just so unbearable. No one was doing anything wrong as such, but it just drove home that I’m always alone and always will be. It’s a truly devastating place to be. I’m resigned to it, and I’m at the point now where I don’t even want to see my friends anymore – or at least only one-on-one.
I know this reaction is a combination of alcholhol and PMT and of course I won’t isolate myself from people, but the pain is real. I recently got back from a solo trip to NYC which I loved and felt great about, but then I was reminded that I’m back where I was, and nothing has changed for me. A bitter pill to swallow!
I’m sorry you had a difficult night, Imogen. Weddings are hard, and watching or being at one surrounded by only couples is even harder. I don’t really have any advice beyond what’s already been written, but just wanted to say i’ve been there too and I get it.
Thanks Mariposa 🤗
Okay – thought I’d post this – I just watched The Lobster. Has anyone else seen that? God I loved it! Sums up my experience for sure! 😜
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