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I’m so sorry Mariposa, to hear about your dying mom. That must be really tough and I imagine even harder to not feel you have the support you want or need from loved ones, especially not that of a romantic partner.
I really don’t know what to say. I’ve dealt with different grief issues alone and I understand how lonely it feels. I’ve reached out to friends before and sometimes it would have been better if I hadn’t told them at all.
If you have a super close friend, even if they’re far away, I’d say reach out to them. If they’re true blue friends they’ll be there in whatever capacity they can, even if they have children crying in the background or in the middle of something. They’ll make time. Ask. I love how Brene Brown calls it “holding space”. Give them a time frame of when you need and see when they can do it.
I’ve also found support groups to be helpful because they’re all going through a very similar experience. Most hospitals will have them for family members of cancer patients.
*hugs to you*
I was just curious to know, but has anyone else had the experience of giving up dating altogether?
*raises hand* Me, right here.
A little BG: Both during and after college, I had a whole slew of my college friends get married. This was back before any real OL dating sites existed (plus I am part of a minority group which had even less OL dating avenues). Then other friends from other circles got married. Moved to two different states and nearly everyone I meet or knew has gotten married. Most recently, a woman I knew who had gone through a really awful divorce about two years ago got engaged/married “without really trying” (she passively had her profile up OL). She wanted to get married but also didn’t because of her traumatic first marriage. She even tried pushing this guy away but he stuck around. That was the last straw for me. I had tried (actively) the OL sites, the OL apps, the offline meetups/matchmaking stuff. Try try try and nothing. So, now….nope. Done. Recently heard of a friend of a friend (who had a hard time finding someone) find someone through an app, same app another friend met her husband through last year. Still, nope.
I looked through Sara’s book which is like my single girl’s survival bible, lol and 2 chapters spoke to me on this topic: “you need an action plan” and “you have to keep trying”, both which basically say “try as hard as you want to, don’t do what you don’t want to” and “don’t put expectations on your actions as if that’s what’s gonna get you what you want”.
All my life it’s always been ‘someone else’ and I’ve been (on and off) so focused on wanting it for myself that sometimes it’s been really hard to be fully present in happiness for those people (e.g. they didn’t try, *I* tried). So, I’ve been working on letting go, “lightening up” as Sara put it…surrendering…whatever you want to call it. Just not focusing on trying for it but instead, focusing on me, purely for me, goals and dreams that I need/want to achieve, etc. I just can’t put my effort into something that may not be for me. If it is, it’ll happen anyway, right? Just as it happened for those who “weren’t even looking”.
It’s still in the back of my mind of course, during the holidays when everyone’s gone or busy with family. But I’m trying to practice acceptance of where I am instead of dreaming of where I wish I was. It’s hard, some days more than others. Then I see the marriages breaking apart or that are in turmoil but stay together because they don’t want to face the truth and I thank GOD I’m still single.
I listened to Self-Compassion recently and think it has a lot of great advice, especially for those of us who have a hard time with self-worth issues based on the fact that we weren’t “chosen”.
The common humanity part is a little tricky for me because I don’t have many friends in my specific situation and in fact most of my friends are either married or divorced. When I am surrounded by friends with *seemingly* good marriages, I feel sad because I’m all by myself and haven’t experienced even half of what they have, have to do everything myself, etc. When I am around the divorced friends, I feel grateful and blessed that I didn’t have to go through such a heartbreak. Some friends are the ones who were left by their husbands while others have made the choice to leave. One friend is struggling because her husband doesn’t want to give in but wants to convince her to stay. Another friend thinks she wants to leave but doesn’t know how to. Other friends have been divorced for years, most have not remarried while some of their exes have.But even the divorcees or the other single folks have someone…best friends (who are also single/divorced) in the same town, family, roommates, etc.
But even if I were to look at the common humanity aspect, it does kinda depress me because I see it’s not just hard to find a man, but a GOOD man that you’ll actually want to live with. It brings up a lot of mistrust, fear and dread that it’s almost impossible to be happily married.
So, yeah, I feel you. Only thing I do is hope, pray and believe that nothing is impossible and miracles can happen to any and all of us. <3
Hey MissDee,
So sorry to hear about your negative experience with your therapist. I’ve been trough therapy on and off and with different therapists (because of moving) over the last 10 years and not every therapist is a good one, OR good for you. I loved some of the ones I had and was like…umm…nope with one and meh with a couple. It makes a HUGE difference. The one I’ve seen most recently was a Perpetually single woman herself until her 40s so she kinda gets that part of me, even though she has told me that she didn’t think much of her husband when she first met him but agreed to go on a second date and eventually they hit it off. I don’t know if it was to advise me to keep my options open or just general FYI. But I couldn’t imagine how it would feel if she told me it was straight up something I did or didn’t do. But to have your therapist say that. Sure, they are supposed to look at your behaviors and see if there’s something you’re subconsciously doing to self-sabotage yourself, but I don’t think that should come at the cost of empathizing. Again, I’m really sorry you had to go through that, especially somewhere and with someone you’re supposed to feel safe.I listened to Sara’s book to “reread it” and man, it’s still great and so validating and empowering. I love all the positive messages she gives as well as the counterpoints to all the garbage.
Angel, I love that you’re no longer tolerating BS from people and I do believe we all need to do that, for our own sanity and contentment. If we are already dealing with the negative feelings around the issue of being single, we don’t need the added negative feelings from others. And like you, I only try to confide in people who will empathize. Unfortunately, as you said, they are few and far between.
Hugs to you both!
Sometimes I wonder if I’m being too radical, but I’ve been burned so many times because of my good intentions that I just don’t feel like “teaching” a man anything.
I don’t know. What do you think?I’m with you. I don’t feel I should be teaching a grown man how to be a gentleman or how to be in a relationship. Yes, I can tell him certain specific things like my specific needs or specific triggers, but general stuff like basic communication….no. I feel that kind of coddling has gotten us where we are, with lots of man-children who can’t make good husbands to mature adult women. (I know, I sound bitter lol).
If a man needs to grow up, I am of the opinion that he needs space and to do so on his own, not for a woman to help him.
I also believe women need to trust their intuition and listen to their gut feelings. We’re constantly told that we’re imagining something when we feel “not right” about something, but then kick ourselves when we turn out to be right.
He may turn out to be a great guy eventually, but if he’s not being a great guy to you right now, I don’t believe there’s anything you can do to help him/change that.
@Angel88, Do you think he’s someone who is open and receptive to learning about and “speaking” your love language of affection through words and touch? Some people are not very touchy feely (I know of a few friends who do not like it at all lol) but have to learn to do it for the sake of showing love the way the other person “gets it”. My guess is, from what you said, he’s not. :/
This is something that I have been struggling with as well, especially because I live alone and don’t really feel comfortable getting all touchy-feely with my female friends (hugs are nice and I have been working on being a better recipient as well as giver of hugs). I didn’t realize how much I was craving physical touch/affection until…I know this is going to sound weird…my cat came into my life, lol. He was affectionate even from the beginning and holding him/petting his soft fur just feels so nice. I even force hugs on him when I have no one else to hug, lol (seriously having a cat has made a difference). But, it’s shown me that physical contact is more important to me than I previously thought and can be very hard some days, as others have mentioned because of the emotional connection with it.
@SingingSteph, So sorry to hear abut all that you’re going through. It’s really hard to get news about your health like that. I’ve been hit hard with some health issues in the past and I’m in a better place mentally in terms of dealing with them, but they’re still in the back of my mind and I pray hard every day about them. My heart goes out to you.
@beachbum, I’m with you on that terrible quote. I had read it and thought the same thing. I’ve heard similar things from other people who just assume that unmarried women of a certain age are waking up to the fact that they need to have kids asap and that’s why they’re trying so hard to have kids. As much as I love the movie (for its jokes), “Baby Mama” actually goes with this misconception.I thought this video was interesting and thought I’d share, if only to give hope and clear some common preconceived notions:
I’m really late in replying to this and really wanted to so here I am.
Courtney, I’m really sorry about everything your friend said and did. At the risk of sounding like a cynic who hates everyone (which is only true sometimes lol), I feel she isn’t really a great friend. If I were to judge the friendship just on what you told me, she was treating you like a placeholder until she had a man in her life. And that’s not to say that priorities don’t change when people marry, especially when kids come into the picture, but she was doing this even before marriage. I’ve come to terms with the fact that some friends just don’t value female relationships the way that I do…that if they were to have a man in their life, that would be enough. I’ve had to make peace with it and redefine our friendship as one that will be very superficial, and as such, I don’t really expect to be able to depend on them, lean on them for comfort, or expect any empathy. And to me, she clearly wasn’t showing any empathy.
When one of my good friends got engaged, we had a long, open and very honest conversation about what it meant because she’s so much younger than me and wasn’t even looking. She was so compassionate and empathetic then and even later when I was having a rough day and needed to talk.
Good friends are hard to find, great friends even harder. I think even married people (like Sara!) can relate, act kindly and empathize if they had that in them and the truth is, some people don’t.
As hard as it is to watch someone get what you want, I think someone said it really well, that you don’t really know the whole story. A lot of people settle because they just can’t stand the thought of being “like us”: single and yearning.
All we can do is work on our own hearts, be grateful for what we have and don’t have (ex-husbands!).
My friend just shared an interview with Mandy on a podcast (why oh why….which is another resource) where she discusses the book, the relationship she’s in and the modern love article that started it:
Welcome L_Gris!
Like mamey, I take people at their actions, not necessarily their word. Especially after reading “He’s just not that into you” (which was both hilarious and informative), I tend to have very low tolerance for wishy-washy behaviors. If this was a friend and not a romantic interest, I would have just stopped texting them (even archived it lol) and just let them decide if they truly want to see be/hang out. It hurts, of course but also is a part of being an adult. Obviously long-distance relationships would have to be mostly communicated via texts, calls and such, but if this is something that needs to be developed with someone local, it makes sense that in person is the way to go. I don’t know if it’s age or experience, and I don’t really feel I have time or patience for these kinds of behaviors. I hate feeling like I’m chasing someone, so I don’t (or try not to).
That’s my stance, yours is much more tolerant and patient, lol.
Let us know how it went!
Love the discussion and shared thoughts, especially when it comes to self-compassion and self-respect.
I go through waves of sadness, despair and hopefulness. Sometimes I have to reach out to someone to talk to them or to just not alone. I’ve found when I am at home alone for far too long it really has a negative impact on me (I’m a “social introvert” so I crave meaningful interactions with people). I’m working on being more mindful and really developing a deeper spiritual connection with God, to recenter my life so that I’m not just focusing on what I don’t have but looking at what I do have.
I had recently started writing in my “Five Minute Journal” which was helping a lot, to focus on gratitude and making every day great(er). I need to get back into it.
Yes, Angel88. What’s worse is I didn’t even like the guy, but was just going through the motions because he was the first half-way decent guy, so I ignored all the red flags or things that I didn’t like. Plus my family wasn’t making it easier for me and I wasn’t getting any easier, blah blah. I was relieved when it ended, which is a big sign that it
wasn’t good to begin with, lol.
I think on a societal level, there is so much programming we have been exposed to that we need to undo. It’s quite a challenge and process to understand that our sex,gender identity, nationality, etc does not dictate anything about us and does not define us.
Yes ma’am! To unlearn and learn is very hard, but knowing that we need to undo th programming is the first step. :)
Angel 88 I LOVE what you wrote here:
Many people say it’s because I’m not flirty nor accepting of flaws… But the flaws they talk about are flat out b.s. Type of flaws: misogynistic, sexist attitudes and just plain subpart, abusive treatment, so I tend to disagree with their assertion. I can be sweet and kind, but if I don’t like something, anyone will know. Some people say men are intimidated by that, but personally I refuse to make myself less just so a man likes me.
So true! being assertive is not the same as being mean, and we have every right to stand up for ourselves.
As for me, yes I am a lifelong singleton. I had one semi-serious “relationship” but as they say, hindsight is 20-20. And when I looked back at our interactions, I realized he was not that into me and I was just going through the motions because it was the first seemingly nice guy to show up and I was in my late 20s. Other than that, it’s been like a desert wasteland. It can really take its toll on one’s self-esteem, when one doesn’t get the same attention as other girls, but then I wonder if that is better for me, because I don’t need every guy’s attention, just one’s. :)
