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Even though I REALLY want to travel with someone, and especially a husband, the fact that I’ve been able to travel to different places recently has been a plus. If I was married I wouldn’t be able to go with him to some of the places (because I stayed with single female friends) and he probably would have work that he couldn’t take off from.
Not having to coordinate with someone about my whereabouts or comings and goings, or where or what to eat or how to decorate or whatever.
I know plenty of fat women who are married. Most women I know who are married are “average” looking…they’re don’t fit the ideal beauty standards that society tells us we need to have in order to attract a man. I have married friends with acne, who are quite overweight, or really skinny, or really short or really tall, etc.
Attraction really is in the eye of the beholder. There are lots of guys out there I don’t think are attractive but that many women do. Same with women.
I myself am “curvy” and have been all my life and used to believe this was also a reason for me being perpetually single. But then I remind myself “well so-and-so is even bigger than me, and her husband isn’t big at all…”. It might be a reason for some men to not fall for us, but not all men. :)
Wow, so much I can relate to here!
Last year, after a slew of tests and doctor’s visits, I was told that I had a low to now chance of conceiving. It was devastating to me, not because I had this huge yearning for kids (I don’t) but because the choice was taken away. This buzzfeed video accurately describes that feeling: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jV-p58vPq_I
I had friends who desperately wanted to have children; I was never one of those women. I always felt this yearning to adopt, but didn’t really find the idea of being pregnant or giving birth that appealing. Still, the ption being “taken away” really saddened me. And of course I thought “who’d wanna marry me NOW?”
I have friends who don’t have kids, but they all have spouses, so they’re not going through it alone (although it is different being the woman vs the man). I had one friend who I shared this with who told me she had received similar news. As she so perfectly put it “it exacerbated my loneliness”. I didn’t tell my family (all my siblings are male and have kids, my mom would freak out) and only told a handful of friends. It was really hard to tell people. I felt sorry for myself and felt they would just feel sorry for me as well.
Slowly, I made peace with it. I told myself that so many people have been told they could never have kids and they surprised everyone when they did (we all know someone who knows someone who this happened to). I also told myself that people who give birth to children aren’t always the most nurturing and supportive people, that I can make more of a difference in a child’s life by giving them love that they may not have from their own parents. Just by virtue of the fact they they are biologically theirs may make someone their mother, but not necessarily the best and most loving female figure. I love being an Aunt(ie) and strive to be the best one I can be.
There’s other stuff I wanted to comment on, but this post is long enough right now, lol.
Wow. So is this something that you’ve heard from other women also? That they avoid nice guys because essentially it’s “easier” to deal with the letdown or hurt from someone that they expect it from? Oy, I think I am going to jump out the window right now LOL!
This was just a theory by a friend and I as we were psychoanalyzing ourselves, lol. She had been dating these nice guys and that scared her so we tried to figure out why and that was one explanation. It’s on a subconscious level though, so even if that was the reason we wouldn’t know it except through lots of introspection.
I can speak for myself in saying that I had a LOT of mistrust of men and didn’t really believe there was such a thing as a nice guy, that they were all jerks, but some put it out there and some hid it until they got you. I did a lot of work on myself to trust and believe that there were genuinely wonderful, nice, kind men out there (and that one day I’d meet and marry one :).
Thanks, eldogg. I’m really sorry that that has been your experience. The other women I’ve talked to, along with myself, usually come across very superficial guys who pass over lots of great girls, so it usually assumed that a man who is at a certain age and never married must be so because he had really unrealistic requests. It’s not right and it isn’t fair, and I hope more women start to look at every man with a clean slate.
In talking to one friend of mine about the “nice guy” and why he’s sometimes scarier than the outward jerk, it seems that some of us are just scared of what we don’t know. It’s easier to deal with the jerk whose fangs you can see than the nice guy who may be a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I personally have no desire to marry a jerk, nor do I believe marrying a nice guy is an even bigger risk because he’ll be a jerk, too, I just won’t see it coming. But some of us have yet to relinquish the fears, self sabotaging and unhealthy behaviors we have.
And Lonestar … kudos and congrats to you for changing your mode of thinking. Some of us … who maybe don’t have a rich relationship history are truly nice and wonderful people … and are really interested in being with someone and in being a good partner.
I do hear people say things about guys that are of a certain age and not married and it does bother me. ne is that if he isn’t married by the time he’s 30+ you can bet he’s sleeping around or watching porn (or both) and I’ve always been adamant about not stereotyping guys as just sex-crazed maniacs who can’t control themselves.
I’m really sorry that your experience has been so terrible. I think the reason it is even harder for men to be excused for not being married by a certain age than women (even though as evidenced by books, articles and the fact that this forum exists, many women are single past the age they “should be” married), is because the biggest complaint for women is not finding the right guy who isn’t just looking for superficial things, who isn’t intimidated by success blah blah, etc etc. As Sara I believe said in an interview, society believes “men are single by choice, women are single because no one wants them”. “Women are a dime a dozen, but a good man is hard to find”, etc etc. But that doesn’t mean that guys can’t find it equally hard to find a person they truly connect with and not want to just marry for the sake of marriage.
We all have prejudices and biases and it’s when we choose to acknowledge them and open our minds to the alternative that we can bring about changing certain ways of thinking.
I would say for sure the “You’re too Picky”. People assume that I’ve been the one swatting away men and telling them that they’re not good enough for me. Also when I tell people what I am looking for, they offer their unsolicited advice about what I should be looking for, especially at my age (36).
I would say also a combination of you’re too old and too intimidating. I have lots of letters after my name and live alone, and so of course men, all being of one mind (rolls eyes) would feel that I am too independent, too educated, too smart, too head strong and not young enough to give them the lots of babies they want (rolls eyes even harder).
A relative also told me I have (anger) issues and until I fix that I won’t get married (because we all know that every married person is an angel with no anger issues at all).
Whenever I start “seeing” a guy and am awaiting the inevitable question, I will always recall Sara’s story of when she met her husband, of how he brushed it off and call the other guys “idiots” for not seeing what he sees. One guy I was talking to online asked me “why has it taken you soooo long” to get married. There were other reasons I stopped talking to him but that was a definite issue.
As I’ve matured and experienced things in life, I know it’s just not that simple and some (maybe a lot?) of people out there are just married for the sake of marriage. I admit I used to question why a guy would be of a certain age and not married (with women it was more understandable), but now I choose to be more open minded and give him the same courtesy I would want from a man.
So yeah I think when it comes down to it, the “right” person won’t look at it like something is wrong with you (as per book) but that life is just not the same for everyone.
