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Here’s one a friend sent me:
Single Jewish Orthodox women are largely forgottenMinorities within minorities tend to be even more marginalized.
What’s funny is that according to “The Secret” your thoughts , both positive AND negative, attract whatever they’re about. So for example if you keep thinking I don’t want to get sick, I hope I don’t get sick”, you’ll get sick because you were putting that word out there into the Universe. (I can almost visualize a few people rolling their eyes lol).
So if someone thinks “I don’t want to get married” they get married just as if we keep thinking “I don’t want to be alone/single” that’s exactly what we get. :| O.o
I believe in a Creator and can’t believe the Creator would be as petty and meticulous as that.
Met yet another woman (in her 60s, widowed) who said “I didn’t want to get married” when she got married to her husband. So, if the law of attraction was really about only getting what you want, all of us would be married and none of the ones who didn’t want it would be.
Thanks Mariposa for starting this important discussion (BTW, I love your name. I’m a big fan of butterflies. :)
I love everyone’s responses and will agree, holidays are tough.
This t-giving, I was trying to figure out what to do with myself. Both of my siblings visited my cousin and even if they had told me to come, I wouldn’t have because everyone there would be a family…and then me. My parents wanted me to come visit them since they’d be on their own, but I was just there and don’t really feel good being there for multiple reasons.
Thankfully, it worked out that I was able to hop to a couple of dinners and then last minute plans to go to the movies with someone, whose husband was out of town, and her kids. It was nice. I have a friend who’s engaged who had no problem spending it alone. I wish I was like that but I feel so much more alone knowing everyone is spending the day with loved ones.
I don’t celebrate Christmas, but I do feel the pain of not having anyone to spend it with. Everyone’s off and everything’s closed, so it’s either extremely boring or extremely fun. Last year I treated myself to a movie on Christmas Day.
At the risk of sounding creepy, I really wish there was a way for all of us to meet up and spend the holidays or whatever day together. It’s so much easier to be OK with being single when you’re not the only one.
What do you guys think about karma?
From what I remember about this from Sara’s book (in the chapter “you should have married that guy”) Karma isn’t what people think. It’s a consequence of your decisions on that actual situation. So if someone chooses to spend all their money gambling and loses everything, that’s karma.
But what you’re talking about, I know I can relate to and I think that goes back to shame. Brene Brown talks a lot about this (she has a whole ted talk about it). Shame is that gremlin in our mind we’re not enough (pretty enough, nice enough, good enough, young enough, etc), for a relationship. It comes from different places for everyone.
Whenever these thoughts enter my head (and it’s more often as the years drift on and more people end up getting married), I think about good people I know who are divorced and not nice people who are married.
There’s no formula for who gets the marriage card and who doesn’t. I believe in Divine Decree and for whatever reason, it just hasn’t been decreed for me or any of us. I do sometimes think that there is some special key I need to find, some lesson I need to learn or some amends I need to make (with myself or my Creator or something) to “unlock” the door, but I don’t think this has to do with how good of a person I am or whether I deserve it or not; (’cause, again) there are some pretty terrible people out there who are not single and lots of pretty terrific people who are.
Girl, read my mind AGAIN, lol.
Seriously, this has been on my mind and a big huge issue for me. I think it made things worse for me because I was on this hopeful high that I WOULD meet the man I would marry by a certain date and even followed steps towards my prayers being answered. I have a friend who is a HUGE believer in it and she prayed to not be single any more by her 30th bday and sure enough, she’s engaged and to be married in Jan. Another friend BELIEVED that she would meet her husband by the end of her school program and that’s in fact what happened.
So color me frustrated when “this trick” doesn’t work for me. And then add to that meeting married women who tell me “Oh I did NOT even want to get married. But then someone introduced me to him and…”. V_V
So, I don’t know what to tell you. I think it’s good to keep being positive and hopeful and at the same time, not putting too much emphasis on a specific date or time or whatever, because everything happens when it’s supposed to and if we only believe it can happen at THIS time, it’ll be a big crash of disappointment if it doesn’t (which I know “the secret” says is the reason why it won’t happen…because of that inkling of feeling that it won’t. But I think it’s the opposite).
In my opinion it’s like having this insatiable urge to eat because you have no money and you’re starving. You would give so much to feel full, content, and happy. Then as your feeling incredibly hungry your best friend starts telling you about how they’re so satisfied from the 5 course meal they just had. It’s not that much different of a concept.
Courtney, you’ve read my mind! I have made very similar analogies about it (you’re fasting while everyone else isn’t, you’re still waiting for your order while everyone else at your table is on dessert already, you’re poor and everyone else’s rich, etc). In truth, both of them are a yearning (and need) and when you see everyone else enjoying/talking about what you don’t have, it’s very hard for it not to feel even worse than if everyone was else was hungry, and you can talk about your pain and hopes, together.
I have been thinking about the solution and I don’t have one, because, like many, I have distanced myself from those friends and felt isolated. But I feel isolated with them, too, because conversations are often about their families. It’s hard to see people surrounded by love while you are all alone. :/
I thought about the analogy and it gave me a few non-perfect solutions:
1) Since I don’t know if/when I’ll be married, I can choose to not be around a whole group of married people who will only discuss their families and married life. I can instead choose one-on-one times with friends of my choosing.
2) I can find single-oriented fun things to do that will fulfill me so I’m not constantly thinking of having a partner.
3) Find other single people (like here!) who will commiserate and empathize with me, and choose to be with married friends only on occasions.
It’s not easy and I’m still trying to navigate it.
Yes and yes. OMG yes.
My younger brother has been married for a few years and almost everyone on both sides of my family is married. The only unmarried female cousin on my mom’s side is 18. I am the only female cousin unmarried on my dad’s side (and maybe even only unmarried cousin).
I have stood by and watched family members and close friends get married. When I was younger, I just believed my turn would come and it wasn’t as big of a deal. Now in my mid 30s, it’s been really tough, especially now that the “new wave” of 20-something marriages are happening. I attended two weddings this summer, but was invited to 4 or 5. Recently I promised myself “no more weddings’ in an attempt to be kind to myself; I can be happy for them from afar. Then I found out about a very good friend’s (21) engagement and my friend’s bridal shower (her wedding is overseas). -_-;; The former was really mature about it and even wished it was me that was married first, and was really understanding about me possibly not coming to her wedding.
I know that everything is in its due time, and there is no real timeline for life’s big events – they happen when they happen. It’s still challenging, though, when literally everyone around you is married or getting married. I’m trying to find coping mechanisms to handle the feelings of jealousy (the “I want it too” kind) and prevent feelings of resentment. I do believe feelings of happiness and sadness can exist at the same time…while happy for the other person, there is a sadness for yourself. Acknowledging it and not judging it are important, I think (Sara talks about this in her book, too, IIRC).
Thanks for starting this conversation, Courtney. I do understand that longing and aching, and how hard it is to watch others obtain (sometimes so easily) what we want so badly.
Hi Courtney,
Lots of great advice has already been given and I think deep down you know the answer. That doesn’t make it any easier. One conversation I’ve had with one of my friends (who has been engaged twice and married once) is the tricky :not the worst” guy. It’s easier to say no to the jerk, the guy who we just KNOW is not right for us. But harder to say no to is the guy who sounds great on paper…the “not the worst”, the “he’ll do” guy. I recall Sara’s chapter in her book “You should have married that guy”, the one that everyone will tell you you’re crazy for not marrying because he was “so nice”. It’s harder because people will look at us like we’re truly crazy to have let such a wonderful person go for such (what they see as) “superficial” reasons, thinking we were waiting for butterflies or fireworks, when all we wanted is something more than “blah”. And it solved the short-term problem of being alone but not the long term problem of being lonely. And being lonely in someone’s presence feels far worse than being lonely alone (hence why the rest of us are here).
However, no one can tell us how to feel about a certain person. We’re all different and therefore so is our compatibility with other people. We’ve seen how one person could be best friends with someone that we can’t stand. And like Sara says in the book, settling is more cruel than breaking up with the person because, as others have noted, you take away their opportunity to be with someone who wants to be with them and vice versa.
I feel like a good friendship, a good relationship should not have to be forced into “clicking”. I do believe some harmful ideas about love are perpetuated by Hollywood (that it has to be some hot and heavy passionate romance) and there should be some things there that should make you decide YES! If you’re even asking, I think that’s one red flag (as Sara says “it’s settling if it feels like settling”).
I like this article about How to pic a life partner (part 2 actually gives the advice).
Best to you and all of us!
I think I can pretty much agree with all the statements above. I feel there isn’t a day that goes by now that I don’t think about how something would be alleviated if I had a partner. When I travel I think about going through the travel alone and how nice it would be to have someone with me. Or if I still want to travel on my own to have someone watch the cat while I’m away. Or just have someone to talk to, to have dinner with, to help out with chores. To have someone attend volunteer activities with me, drive with me somewhere far. To be there during the high and low points of my life. To go to weddings with or to gatherings (WHERE EVERYONE IS MARRIED!) with. Moving. The list goes on.
It’s been really hard to get through each day with these heavy thoughts on my mind, but I think it’s pretty natural to feel this way. I know Sara wrote about it in her book that we feel bad or look down on feelings of loneliness, but you wouldn’t say the same for someone who’s hungry. And that’s how it feels, like a hunger for companionship. We’re human and we are (I believe) made to be paired up. So it’s hard when you have to go through every day things alone, especially when everyone else around you doesn’t. We still have to make the most of the situation we’re in (clearly none of us are just sitting at home doing nothing but moping) while still hoping for it to change.
However, I’m not sure I understand what the big deal is if people don’t want to be alone or unhappy being alone and that is one of the primary motivating factors in seeking to be with a partner.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that and I think that’s a lot of people’s primary reason for wanting to be in a relationship. It’s not about whether or not you should resign yourself to being alone but that you know you’d rather be alone than with the wrong person, if the choice came down to that. It’s not about the reason why you seek a partnership but with whom you seek it. We’re not saying contradictory things, just making different points. :)
“To stand any chance of choosing a partner wisely, it helps to be utterly reconciled to being alone all one’s life.”
I’ve been thinking back to the original quote that started this thread and I get what he (?)means. It reminds me of a Mindy Hale quote in the same vein:
“Until you get comfortable with being alone, you’ll never know if you’re choosing someone out of love or loneliness”.
I recently spoke about this with a friend of mine. She said that if she were to do it over, she would probably never have divorced her ex-husband or, if he was still available, marry him again just for not wanting to be alone. I told her about this quote because, while there were good times, there was a reason she asked for the divorce.
As hard as it is to be alone (some times more than others, lol), if we are OK (not necessarily totally happy) with our lives of solitude, we know that when we choose a spouse, it will be for who and how well we fit together they are not a gap-filler as someone mentioned.
Beachbum and eldogg, I couldn’t have said it better myself. I know there must be a certain happiness I must reach on my own, and I feel that there is just an extra layer of happiness in sharing our life with someone and that it’s human nature to want to be with someone. As I say, marriage is icing on the cake: it should enhance an already good cake. You can live with a good cake but a great icing makes it much sweeter/better. :)
Acceptance and hope…that tricky balance.
Wow, beachbum, I’m really sorry your sister said that to you! It’s hard when people don’t empathize or even sympathize. That was not a nice of her to say, at all.
I’m with you on not wanting to have a kid on my own. As I said. I’ve never been one of those “OMG I CAN’T WAIT TO HAVE KIDS/BE PREGNANT!” but I do love children and wouldn’t MIND adopting if need be, but still not on my own. Being a single mom is HARD. Parenting is hard enough with two cooperative parents. I mentioned once to someone (married with kids) that I wouldn’t mind fostering or adopting kids when I get married and she said “You can still adopt or foster a kid now”. I didn’t appreciate that. She knows first hand how hard it is to raise kids, I don’t think she would ever want to do it solo.
And yeah, I have heard about behavior issues with adoptive children. One of my friends adopted one as a baby and he even looks more like her kids than her youngest son, but he still has some issues.
There was someone being interviewed on NPR who talked about the day she froze her eggs was the day she met her now husband. She had kids in her 40s I believe. I’ll have to find her name and post it.
In the meantime, here’s a blog/community for women who are single and/or childless, by choice or otherwise:
http://gateway-women.com/I’m so sorry that your friends said that to you, beacbum. They were really insensitive and unempathetic. Sara wrote an article about married people being smug that touches on how married people don’t want to admit it’s luck for a few reasons.
I hate complaining; it’s one of my pet peeves (and I have to catch myself when I do it, to). I’ve feel like complaining to be one of the worst things we can do; it’s (IMO) looking negatively and not appreciating the blessings we have. There are those wall hangings that say things like “thank God for dirty dishes; they area sign we have plenty of food to eat.”
I think part of it comes from getting things so easily vs working and waiting for them. I remember a post on fb about someone who was frustrated about her crying baby remembering back to when the baby was born and didn’t cry and she prayed so hard for it to do so. Those of us who have been single for so long understand the worth of a spouse or kids. Sara mentions in her book that years of loneliness made her appreciate her husband that much more.
I know someone mentioned that romantic relationships offer something that one cannot get from any other relationship and that’s what’s really been getting me down lately. I’m craving that kind of intimacy and companionship that is only obtained through a romantic partner and it’s really been hard watching everyone couple off while I stay super duper single.
