Opting Out

[Lurline93]

Hi! I hope everyone in the group is doing well.
I was just curious to know, but has anyone else had the experience of giving up dating altogether?

I haven’t been on an actual date for almost 2 years this September. My online dating apps have been deleted off of my phone for over a year now. I tried to meet people in-person since I’m very social, but that hasn’t worked either. Sometimes I get an itch to log onto the app and see what happens, but then I think of how it’s gone nowhere.

Part of me feels bad that I lack the dating confidence, but actively dating has made me feel like I’m further away from my goal of having a romantic relationship. However, if I put online that I wanted nothing serious as an experiment, the messages just piled in.

Does anyone have suggestions on how they deal with the ambiguity of how much effort they feel like they should or shouldn’t put into dating? Your insight is greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

• This topic was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Lurline93.

[Angel88]

I have. I stopped dating in December 2016 I think. I realized that online dating was definitely not for me and although I want a partner, I refuse to approach the subject as if it were shopping or interviewing for jobs lol. I felt some type of way about it and chose to focus on myself and other pursuits. I met two men after that in real life, none of which ended up being right for me, but I felt much better about meeting them in person and social activities. I haven’t met anyone in a while and I relate to the feeling of needing to be “doing” something to meet someone. That idea that says we need to “do”. I remind myself though that me doing and doing does not guarantee anything. Someone shows up or not regardless of how much “work” we do because there is no formula or answer. Of course it doesn’t hurt to be active and to go out and socialize, but I figure it’s best to always do what feels right for us, to not let outcomes dictate everything. I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s what has gotten me through when I start getting anxious.
I think it really depends on the individual. Some people feel much better when they are online dating, and they seem to handle it pretty well despite disappointment. Some of us though… I personally am not built for it.
Does the idea of going back to online dating make you feel more positive or better about the search? Does it sound better than letting it be and going out and socializing? That would be your guide as to what is right for you, I think.

[LoneStar]

I was just curious to know, but has anyone else had the experience of giving up dating altogether?

*raises hand* Me, right here.

A little BG: Both during and after college, I had a whole slew of my college friends get married. This was back before any real OL dating sites existed (plus I am part of a minority group which had even less OL dating avenues). Then other friends from other circles got married. Moved to two different states and nearly everyone I meet or knew has gotten married. Most recently, a woman I knew who had gone through a really awful divorce about two years ago got engaged/married “without really trying” (she passively had her profile up OL). She wanted to get married but also didn’t because of her traumatic first marriage. She even tried pushing this guy away but he stuck around. That was the last straw for me. I had tried (actively) the OL sites, the OL apps, the offline meetups/matchmaking stuff. Try try try and nothing. So, now….nope. Done. Recently heard of a friend of a friend (who had a hard time finding someone) find someone through an app, same app another friend met her husband through last year. Still, nope.

I looked through Sara’s book which is like my single girl’s survival bible, lol and 2 chapters spoke to me on this topic: “you need an action plan” and “you have to keep trying”, both which basically say “try as hard as you want to, don’t do what you don’t want to” and “don’t put expectations on your actions as if that’s what’s gonna get you what you want”.

All my life it’s always been ‘someone else’ and I’ve been (on and off) so focused on wanting it for myself that sometimes it’s been really hard to be fully present in happiness for those people (e.g. they didn’t try, *I* tried). So, I’ve been working on letting go, “lightening up” as Sara put it…surrendering…whatever you want to call it. Just not focusing on trying for it but instead, focusing on me, purely for me, goals and dreams that I need/want to achieve, etc. I just can’t put my effort into something that may not be for me. If it is, it’ll happen anyway, right? Just as it happened for those who “weren’t even looking”.

It’s still in the back of my mind of course, during the holidays when everyone’s gone or busy with family. But I’m trying to practice acceptance of where I am instead of dreaming of where I wish I was. It’s hard, some days more than others. Then I see the marriages breaking apart or that are in turmoil but stay together because they don’t want to face the truth and I thank GOD I’m still single.

[Lurline93]

Thank you ladies, for sharing your thoughts!
At this point, I just try and keep in mind that the people who want to and are meant to be in my life will.

I’m also part of a minority group, so online dating has been tough for that reason too. But otherwise, life is going well. I need to just be a bit more content.

[MidlifeBookworm]

I’ve never felt confident in dating, had only one term partner – for me the area of romance is hugely interesting and I definitely enjoy romantic films etc., but as far as me personally? “Sometimes the only way to win is not to play”. I wish others better luck than me though and admire their efforts.

[Author]

Posts