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That sounds a difficult but not uncommon situation in this society which overvalues romantic relationships to the exclusion of all else. I guess you could try sticking to making friends who seem to be staying single for the long haul but that’s not an ideal solution. I guess you could still enjoy parts of the friendship but without always being the one who changes plans to accomodate your other friend otherwise resentments will build up. Take a break if need be. Remember the old warning “Don’t set yourself on fire just so someone else can keep warm”.
I’ve never felt confident in dating, had only one term partner – for me the area of romance is hugely interesting and I definitely enjoy romantic films etc., but as far as me personally? “Sometimes the only way to win is not to play”. I wish others better luck than me though and admire their efforts.
They say life is what happens while you are busy making other plans … I am waiting to see my GP practice nurse to discuss blood results which I already know show elevated blood sugar levels. While I am not jumping to the conclusion that I’m diabetic, I’m possibly at least pre-diabetic, and so will need to spend a fair bit of time both adjusting my diet and getting more exercise. Maybe it will be the wakeup call I needed so I am trying to be positive about it.
In other news, just keeping my apartment tidy is a struggle with my bipolar. My occupational therapist is referring me to a third sector organisation for a time for a big declutter (I won’t just be standing and watching, I will be participating too) because she said my home had become unmanageable. So even getting to the point of everyday life for most people will tax me sufficiently but I am hopeful about living in a nice environment again.
Being alone can be scary at times but it can build independence. I think it would be much more scary to be dependent on another, whether financially or emotionally, and have to worry they might someday leave you. Of course, most people that get into relationships are thinking they will be one of the lucky ones and not a statistic. But I think it’s an important “backstop” to know that if you have to you can make it by yourself and not fall apart. You might be eating takeout some nights and get behind on the laundry, but if you can keep your head above water you are doing OK. Thanks for sharing these quotes.
Just a quick update. As a birthday present to myself I finally got a Blu Ray player for the first time. The picture quality looks good as my TV is quite modern too. I found a great article on foreign language cinema and my plan is to watch some of the classics from this list, as well as my existing DVD collection. I just wish I could be better company for myself when alone though and stop that nagging inner critic!
http://www.bbc.com/culture/story/20181029-the-100-greatest-foreign-language-films
Does anyone know of good online forums where a middle-aged guy would fit in with the chat? I enjoy reading the reader comments online at The Guardian newspaper so anywhere like that, such as a North American paper that allowed reader comments, might be a source of online socialising for me. All ideas welcome though!
There’s a book called “Being Single In A CoupkeCouples’ World” by Xavier Amador and Judith Kiersky which has a great chapter towards the end on the feelings of invisibility and “third wheel” feeling that can happen when a friend finds a partner. All too common one friend will be there for the other through a breakup, giving up hours of time, but when the person finds a new partner the amount of time vanishes to almost nothing, the single person has to always visit the coupled one not the other way round etc. I think it’s not so much that the newly-coupled person is such a monster it’s just they have bought into the cultural narrative that being single is a shameful condition best forgotten about once left. Grrr!
Thanks for the replies. My book reading is a bit slow these days to keep up with the pace of a book club, but I have heard of “book salons” where people just talk about their reading lives, without having needed to read any particular book, those sound heaven!
I do like the idea of volunteering if I found a place that was a good match for me. I check the local volunteering web site from time to time but I’m a bit lacking in confidence so I’m not sure what skils I have to offer. I have read that research shows single people are often more engaged in the community and do more volunteering than those in couples, which contradicts the myth that single people are selfish.
I hope you get a few replies, it’s an interesting question and surely one that many of us are dealing with. In the absence of a partner I approximate getting some needs met in various ways – I’ve found a counselling centre that works on a donation basis, a local church has a wellbeing centre with affordable aromatherapy massages, I go to films with a social group from Meetup.com . But there’s still a lot of my love in my heart with nowhere to go – I know some people find pets help with that – and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me grieving at times for the life I’m missing out on, provided I don’t wallow in self-pity for too long. Equally in your situation I don’t think there would be any harm in refusing to give up hope for romance – stranger things have happened, at all ages, and I don’t see much benefit in closing off all avenues. You could be “open to the possibility” while making your life as full as possible whatever happens. Also, without indulging in schadenfreude, you could look at the support forums for married people and see that behind the scenes many of them have stuggles too. I guess between 1/3 and 1/2 of marriages end in divorce and many of the remainder are held together for pragmatic or financial reasons not romance. Many of us have issues in trying to be good company for ourselves but we are all a work in progress with room for improvement. I think resisting the life you actually have, while insisting there is only one way to be happy, is a difficult path to follow. But equally as Sara has often said, there could be nothing wrong with you, (and I don’t doubt you’re bloody fantastic!) you just haven’t met the right person yet. In short, I don’t think there’s any easy answer to your question, we like to tell ourselves “there’s a lid for every pot” and sometimes there is and sometimes there isn’t, but if you make time for a balanced life and don’t put things on hold waiting for a partner, you can still have a great life whichever of the two options fate has in store for you.
I’m not sure there’s much to be gained by “battle of the sexes” theories about who behaves worst – no doubt plenty of women could counter with tales of dating men who pretended to be single but were actually married, or other lies. I think a lot of people lie not only to other people but to themselves, so they might actually believe the lies they are saying. Everyone is fallible and no one is perfect after all.
Having been a caregiver for a long time, which only ended in the recent past, I can sympathise with a feeling of missing out on things in the past. In my case it came up as recently as last night, when I went to see a local band at the launch of their new album. I would say I was a good 15 years older than most of the crowd, and felt a bit out of place. I am glad I went because I like this band’s music, but I realised I can’t catch up on the years when I couldn’t see this sort of music live due to being a caregiver. In your position I can see why you might want a much younger partner so as to have some years of doing fun things before settling down and having children, but that doesn’t necessarily create an equivalent want or need from younger women to partner with someone much older than them. Statistics show the marriages with the best chance of success are where the man is one year older than the woman, and the more the age gap, the less likely the marriage is to succeed long-term, especially with gaps over ten years. So you might be saying a partner the same age wouldn’t work out for you, but there’s no guarantees with someone much younger either. I have never been lucky in matters of the heart and have pretty much given up (I have a disability which makes dating more of a challenge than for most though), but if you are still trying then good luck to you. If you feel you have limiting beliefs about women (e.g. that they lie a lot) or bitterness lingering over from past events I can definitely recommend getting some counselling, I have had some for a different reason and it has really helped me.
Thanks both for your input. My feeling at the moment is that I’m spreading myself too thin being a part of lots of groups, I can totally see the point of people becoming friends with people they see weekly, so my next step is to focus on the groups where people seem friendliest towards me and see if I can develop those further by attending more regularly. I will also try to bring up other topics at the meets to see if there’s anyone who shares a second interest, that seems a good idea too. Thanks again!
Hi Angelita,
Yes there’s times when a simple hug would be really nice. There is a wellbeing project at my local church and sometimes I get massage therapy there which I think helps a bit, but sometimes it also reminds me of what I’m missing. I don’t have an answer I am afraid but I will be following this discussion with interest.
Here is one odd thing I’ve noticed – when I “spend out” and heat my apartment properly on a winter’s night it feels ten times nicer to be in – I will need to check how much it costs per evening but our winters are fairly mild in the UK, compared to the likes of Canada. When I scrimp and have a cold apartment I end up lying in bed earlier just to get warm, and then that throws my sleep pattern off too. I think I actually can afford more heating and it’s the same “it’s just me” mentality which you say makes you eat less well than you would if partnered up. Eating well at home is a lot less than restaurant meals that couples are having so I should look into that too. Just today I bought a ticket for a book signing by “Deliciously Ella” a food blogger who’s known in the UK for promoting healthy eating, maybe that will inspire me a little :)
Virtual hugs to anyone out there struggling as it gets closer to Christmas Day. I don’t feel too bad about Christmas on my own, I will be seeing my sister and her family on 27th so that will be my main celebration, but I never like answering questions about Xmas plans as I feel obliged to sound jolly when they’ll just be OK. I got a laugh from these New Yorker seasonal cocktails though :)
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/seasonal-cocktails-for-your-seasonal-depression
I’d love to read the final article Lisa writes but when I discoverish Solo-ish I burned up all my free articles allowance and can’t afford a subscription since I’m unwaged disabled. However since maybe only a couple of lines from a few people will make it into the final piece, I’m sharing my answer to the Christmas question here, and if anyone else does too hopefully we could get a good discussion going.
“Hello Lisa,
I saw you were writing an article on celebrating the holidays while single, and thought I would throw in my 2 cents worth. I am 47, not working due to disability, and will be celebrating my first Christmas Day alone for the first time since 2002 when I took a holiday to Barcelona to go to a language school, but was alone in a cold flat (I couldn’t figure out how the gas central heating was operated!) unable to figure out how to cook either, and with everything shut so I had a huge bunch of grapes from the day before plus some chocolate bars for my Christmas Dinner – lessons learned! For another post I made in Sara Eckel’s forum someone in the group shared an anecdote about studying nursing and feeling sorry for herself because she always worked weekends, until a colleague said something along the lines of “who says a weekend has to be on a Saturday and a Sunday?” and she started scheduling more fun activities on other weekday evenings. So I am determined to have a good Christmas season even if my Christmas Day itself is less than ideal. Since I’m not working and don’t have the traditional “work’s night out” with colleagues, I am going to a Christmas meal tomorrow with people I know from being a member of my local branch of Toastmasters. I bought an “ugly Christmas design” cardigan with a reindeer and snowflake print just for the occasion. On Sunday 11th I am going with a friend to see “The Christmas Effect” where a bunch of local music stalwarts like the BMX Bandits, Teen Canteen and Emme Woods perform cover versions of their two favourite Christmas songs to raise money for Woman’s Aid and Scottish refugees (so a warm glow from both favourite songs being covered and also the ticket price raising money).
For Christmas Day itself I can’t cook but will treat myself to the posher Marks & Spencer department store ready meal versions of an Xmas meal (I’ll buy one each for both Christmas Day and Boxing Day, that’s what I did last year and they were surprisingly good). And I will at some point follow the Japanese customer of tidying up and making my flat nice and clean ready for a new start January 1st, I have that Marie Kondo “Spark Joy” book. I won’t be tidying on Xmas Day itself but as part of the season, and thankfully a non-profit called Carr Gomm are helping me with that. Finally as tempting as it is to spend Christmas Day in my jammies and with the heating on full blast as a treat (and to compensate for that Baltic cold day in Barcelona, I have some “hygge” fleece throws bought today as well , I will get out for a walk in Queen’s Park, Southside Glasgow since some fresh air and natural light will help my mood. Since I have social anxiety disorder and am an introverted bookworm even if a friend offered me to be part of their Christmas dinner celebrations spending a day socialising would exhaust me and I would need to decline. I will use the HelloTalk app to trade voicemails and messages with online Spanish-speaking friends learning English, and participate in any discussions going on in a big group I’m part of there called Espanglish, and I’ll have my laptop switched on all day so while I am watching TV shows I will also be checking in with fellow socially anxious people in the chatroom of the UK web site “Social Anxiety UK”. Some people used to big family occasions might find such a Christmas Day pitiable but really I think I will be fine, it’s only the thought of other people giving me pitying looks that would make me feel bad about it. That one time I spent a lot of money spending two weeks at Christmas going to a language school at Barcelona to escape the thought of a Christmas alone in Scotland, and ended up alone anyway, cold and with nothing hot to eat. This year I am embracing the season, treating myself to good self-care and some treats, and finding my joy in other parts of the festive season (like The Christmas Effect event) and not just cramming it all into one expensive and pressurised Christmas Day like so many people do.
Best wishes from Glasgow,
Colin Bell
