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Hi all!
I’m a 39-year-old single woman and I’ve been single now for ten years. It seemed my 20s were where I had all my relationships and since my 30s – nothing – despite me doing all the ‘right’ tings: going to things on my own, solo travel, having a full life, volunteering, online dating.
I have spent two decades nursing and supporting my male and female friends though dating, break ups, marriages, babies, finding love, navigating their single lives. And gebnerously, I think, despite my own perpetual singleness. (It is not easy, at times).
I currently have feelings for someone unavailable (I keep doing all the things anyway). But the only thought that gives me respite is the idea that ‘it will be my time one day.’ But. It’s been 10 years and my time hasn’t come. How do I reconcile with the fact that it may never come? I have lost all hope that I will find love – I don’t say that in a ‘woe is me way’ – but years of rejection have taken its toll.
(I think I’m bloody fantastic by the way).
But when the one thought that lifts your spirits is ‘my day will come’ – what if it doesn’t? How do I feel hopeful and fulfilled when the one thing I want (have always wanted) eludes me?
I hope you get a few replies, it’s an interesting question and surely one that many of us are dealing with. In the absence of a partner I approximate getting some needs met in various ways – I’ve found a counselling centre that works on a donation basis, a local church has a wellbeing centre with affordable aromatherapy massages, I go to films with a social group from Meetup.com . But there’s still a lot of my love in my heart with nowhere to go – I know some people find pets help with that – and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me grieving at times for the life I’m missing out on, provided I don’t wallow in self-pity for too long. Equally in your situation I don’t think there would be any harm in refusing to give up hope for romance – stranger things have happened, at all ages, and I don’t see much benefit in closing off all avenues. You could be “open to the possibility” while making your life as full as possible whatever happens. Also, without indulging in schadenfreude, you could look at the support forums for married people and see that behind the scenes many of them have stuggles too. I guess between 1/3 and 1/2 of marriages end in divorce and many of the remainder are held together for pragmatic or financial reasons not romance. Many of us have issues in trying to be good company for ourselves but we are all a work in progress with room for improvement. I think resisting the life you actually have, while insisting there is only one way to be happy, is a difficult path to follow. But equally as Sara has often said, there could be nothing wrong with you, (and I don’t doubt you’re bloody fantastic!) you just haven’t met the right person yet. In short, I don’t think there’s any easy answer to your question, we like to tell ourselves “there’s a lid for every pot” and sometimes there is and sometimes there isn’t, but if you make time for a balanced life and don’t put things on hold waiting for a partner, you can still have a great life whichever of the two options fate has in store for you.
Imogen, thank you for sharing. I wish I had some words of inspiration, but all I can right now is I feel you! I am right there with you.
I’m 37 and my last (and only) relationship ended about 6 years ago. Since then I’ve had a whole lotta nothin’ going on, relationship-wise. I also think I’m pretty fantastic, have a full life, and do all the usual things to put myself out there.
A lot of the time I’m actually fairly content with my singleness, but every once in a while (like right now), it hits me hard that I’m STILL single. It can be really frustrating.
I don’t have any good answers for your questions, but for me, I find hope in the fact that others can relate to me. So I want you to know you’re not alone.
I’m curious about the unavailable person you have feelings for. Are they emotionally unavailable? Dating someone else? Feel free to share as much or as little as you like. I can relate to this too! I often find myself attracted to people who are either emotionally unavailable or simply want to be my friend.
Sigh. We’ll get through this!
Hi again!
Thanks guys for the empathy and wisdom. I really appreciate it; it definitely takes the sting out of this stuff 😊.
Camera Obscura – thank you. You make some interesting points. And I agree, you have to still be open to it happening, I think I’m just at a point now where I’m trying to accept where I am now, rather than hope or wish to be anywhere else. If that makes sense?
Miss Dee 03 – nice to know I’m not alone 😊. Oh with the other person it’s a friend who is now seeing someone. I seem to do this, become close to someone platonically and then feel disappointed when they fall in love. I’m not even sure I do have feelings for him. It could just be wanting closeness/intimacy. I know if I met someone it wouldn’t worry me in the slightest, so perhaps it’s more a projection of my own feelings.
It does help to feel less alone. I always feel like there must be something ‘wrong’ with me being the last one standing amongst everyone I know. But deep down, I know that’s just not true. It just hasn’t happened. Trying not to attach judgement to the thought it the trick for me, I think.
Thanks to both of you, I really appreciate your responses. It’s nice to have a place to be open about this stuff.
😊
Hi,
I can so much relate to you! I am also nearly the only single around my friends and colleagues and my last serious relationship ended 8 years ago (I just turned 40). I also find it very difficult to meet somebody although I go to a lot of activities and are also pretty. The guys I find interesting are taken or do not want a relationship with me and the others… I do not find interesting (maybe THAT is my problem). What I find super-frustrating is when people ask me why a woman like me is still single which makes me really think that something must be wrong with me, something serious which is not obvious at first sight…
So what helps me sometimes is to think that I want somebody to connect with and not just somebody not to be lonely. And until I meet a person like this I prefer to stay single. I also know some really unhappy relationships or hear how people are talking about their partners and then I ask myself if I chose this over being alone and say…. NO! So maybe it’s just that we are more honest?
What does not help is to think that soon I will have to give up my wish to have a child as I will be too old. Is anyone of you dealing with this, too?
Hi Angelita
Thanks for your response.
Hmm, yes, that’s a good point. After reading your post I reflected on all my friends’ relationships (obviously from the outside looking in, so may have them all wrong), but I realised there were really only 1 or 2 out of about 15 couples’ whose relationships I admired, or had qualities I wanted for myself.
Haha yes, DEF too honest at times! I’ve always been an all or nothing type gal anyway. Even when I was 25 I couldn’t see the point in hanging out with someone to ‘see how it goes and have fun.’ I always wanted to whole thing or nothing. Doesn’t seem much point otherwise. It takes so much energy and commitment to be with a person, I could never do it half-assed.
I realised after reflecting on your response, that I want someone who gives me the freedom to be me and do my own thing and cultivate my own friendships and interests but also thinks I’m the most interesting person ever. Lol. Too much?
Re the child question, I’ve never been desperate to have a child but I always wanted to have the choice. Ali turn 40 in October so I guess the choice is diminishing. So far I haven’t felt too worried about it – yet. But these things are quite changeable. I’m sorry if that’s a big loss for you. Grieving for that would be v hard, I imagine x
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