[Angel88]

I have. I stopped dating in December 2016 I think. I realized that online dating was definitely not for me and although I want a partner, I refuse to approach the subject as if it were shopping or interviewing for jobs lol. I felt some type of way about it and chose to focus on myself and other pursuits. I met two men after that in real life, none of which ended up being right for me, but I felt much better about meeting them in person and social activities. I haven’t met anyone in a while and I relate to the feeling of needing to be “doing” something to meet someone. That idea that says we need to “do”. I remind myself though that me doing and doing does not guarantee anything. Someone shows up or not regardless of how much “work” we do because there is no formula or answer. Of course it doesn’t hurt to be active and to go out and socialize, but I figure it’s best to always do what feels right for us, to not let outcomes dictate everything. I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s what has gotten me through when I start getting anxious.
I think it really depends on the individual. Some people feel much better when they are online dating, and they seem to handle it pretty well despite disappointment. Some of us though… I personally am not built for it.
Does the idea of going back to online dating make you feel more positive or better about the search? Does it sound better than letting it be and going out and socializing? That would be your guide as to what is right for you, I think.

[Angel88]

This is a tough one. I have dealt with this somehow, but it hasn’t only been because of people coupling up. For me, many factors came into play when I lost friends. One factor was that I had a very different trajectory from that of my teenage friends. I started working really early and I had to grow up quicker because I was in different environments from theirs, so we drifted apart. After that, I developed a pattern where I called people friends really early and things became pretty one-sided with me being always there for them and them not reciprocating in some cases. Other times it was me who didn’t really share my issues and then felt depleted when I realized they didn’t really care. I was also being untruthful in how I approached my friendships without realizing it. I didn’t really open up to them and well… Obviously people cannot connect to those who don’t open up.
I’m now in my thirties and because I moved to a new country, I have slowly drifted away from friends back home, plus they also have kids and or partners… In this new country, I only have two close friends, but one lives three hours away and has found herself other friends so we don’t talk as much and the other is kind of a loner so we don’t hang out more than a handful of times a year. It gets pretty lonely and I share your frustration of having to start over with friendships. For me, it has been having patience and understanding that friendships don’t usually last forever, sadly. Friendships transform or end, and there’s very little we can do other than nurturing them and doing our part. How others respond is always beyond our control. I think that acceptance is key, but it’s oh so hard to get to that place. I can imagine your pain and anger, because I’ve also felt those. Allow yourself to feel what you feel without judging yourself. Write, cry, punch a wall about it if you have to. Have a heart to heart with your friends and see if they respond well. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just breathe and take it a day at a time. Sometimes we are too hard on ourselves for feeling sad, angry, or dejected, but we are allowed to let our emotions be and sit with them. They go away quicker by being felt and acknowledged. I hope this phase goes away quickly for you, and that my words somehow help you a bit.

[Angel88]

Oh wow! That must have been extremely disappointing for you! I mean that a therapist goes all rest of society on you at your most vulnerable is an atrocity. I see why you don’t want to bring it up. Maybe wait a bit longer, or decide instead if she’s a good fit. We really need to feel safe and compassionately guided by our therapists. Especially for us sensitive people.
I know, there are very few people who truly get it, but it’s not just that. I personally prefer to confide in someone who gets it, but who also doesn’t go into advice mode, simply listens, lets me figure myself out on my own and just supports me. You can imagine how smaller that group of people gets once this little approach is needed. :(
It’s ok to be upset when you’re pressured. Your reaction is very natural, especially because we do want a partner. I don’t think we can expect ourselves to suddenly be fine with people prying and telling us there’s something wrong with us for not being coupled up. Honestly, to this day, I find that very disrespectful and it’s no one’s business how we live our lives. I personally never ask people about their marital status nor personal things like that. People usually just tell you things if you just listen. I guess that’s why it bothers me so much that many people are different in that regard and they don’t see how their “curiosity” can be trespassing.
We’re doing the best we can with what we have and that is enough. I think it’s fine to take both approaches: putting ourselves in situations where we might meet someone and take a break and not look at all. It can be exhausting. We just have to live, nothing more. And living means different things at different times to everyone.

[Angel88]

I think I’m right where you are when it comes to being single. I feel mostly fine now. I have never had a therapist, but the message you’re getting is ever-present and everywhere you dare to talk about your being single. It drives me up the wall as well. I think for me it shows up a bit less as I usually just go to events where most of the people there are single and of all ages and because I decided to no longer discuss that aspect of my life with anyone who I don’t know enough to trust and who also happens to be single lol. I don’t know if I’m being too radical, but I refuse to entertain any damaging messages no matter how well intended. There is absolutely nothing wrong with us. There may be parts of ourselves to discover (aren’t there always?), but nothing wrong or missing. I think when we’ve been told so long that everything we do or are is wrong, it’s hard to undo that entirely, but making it our mission to always have our own back no matter what, makes things much easier. I also think that therapy, as helpful as it is, operates in this framework of fixing a person, so it’s no wonder we can feel judged, even by these people who are supposed to know a bit more. Do you feel good with your therapist? Does it make you feel safe to be in their presence?

[Angel88]

That sounds reasonable. If they are truly your friends, you can let them know how you take their “advice” and how they contradict themselves. I’m sure they’ll be more thoughtful if they really listen to you. I hope they are.
I remember a video I saw that explained why people victim-blame and I think sometimes it applies to this dating talk scenario. Basically, many people like to think that we live in a just world and that what they have (in this case, a partner) is the result of their “good” actions and their work. Whenever they find someone that is in a situation that disproves that view of the world they have, they feel scared and/or powerless so their first reaction is to find flaws in the individual or reasons why this is happening to them that allow them to continue being safe in their view of the world or their identity.
We know that we live in a world that lives to tell people, women specifically, that if you’re not partnered up, you’re a failure or something is wrong with you. That’s one of the chapters in Sarah’s book that was an eye opener for me. Seeing how we live in a couple-centric world that disparages those who chose or happen to be in a different route.
I get you. It can feel lonely out there for many of us.

[Angel88]

Ugh that sucks, Mariposa.
It is usually the married friends that make us feel like we are inadequate and are not doing things right.
I decided a while back that I wouldn’t talk about dating or anything related with married people, precisely because of their judgy annoying attitudes. I only talk about it with women who are also dating and haven’t found anyone. Only single people get us.

[Angel88]

I’m so sorry, Reds10 :(
I didn’t mean to give you a slap in the face as you said, but I did panic when you said you’d rather be his friend than not have him around at all. It was a red flag so huge for me because I’ve said that before and in retrospect, I go “what was I even thinking??” Nobody is that special for us to put our feelings and hearts on the line like that. I am also working on remembering that. Remembering that the only special men are those who choose to love us and who truly see us and want the same level of commitment we want with us. No one else.
For me it still seems like a toll order to find that kind of man, but I don’t want to settle for less than that anymore. What’s the point?
On the bright side I am glad that you are seeing him more clearly now, for who he is, not who you want him to be. I so hear you. I really hope you feel much better about walking away from that and I also hope that you meet someone different who is capable of seeing you and caring about you while you feel the same way for him.

[Angel88]

Oh Reds10… That’s not a good place to be. Your sharing about being just friends with someone you’re interested in took me back to the worst experiences I’ve had. They were all “just friends” situationships. Those are traps. You’re not looking for friendship and you know it. Don’t do this to yourself. Walk away. You need your love and kindness more than some consolation price. Deep down we lie to ourselves when we say we’d rather have those men around as friends than not at all, and sometimes we are being dishonest with ourselves and them when we think that if we hang on a little longer, he’ll see how great we are and change his mind or stop caring for whoever they care about who’s not us. Tears rolling down my cheeks by just remembering my hard lessons.
I hope you don’t necessarily go through anything like that, but just be very careful with your precious self.
Isn’t it funny that we go long without liking anyone and just when we do, he’s unavailable?

[Angel88]

It is tough. Absolutely. Sometimes it’s hard to stand our ground and say no when we’re not getting what we truly want, but we’re getting something out of it. It’s tricky. But the thoughts of “this is as good as it gets anyway” and “this is so scarce” are the crux of our issues.
Just be, try to be kind to yourself no matter what. It helps. Berating ourselves and thinking everything about us is against us is unrealistic and flat out mean and unhelpful.
We don’t know everything and that’s ok. We simply don’t know what will come. Surrendering and just living one day at a time seems best, at least for me.

[Angel88]

Of course you’re not terrible. Be kind to yourself. Many of us have issues in the romantic area.
I can relate to the fear and sadness and thought that it’s never going to happen for us. It’s a constant for me too. But I have also learned that although flawed, I’m not terrible. I’m just not for everyone :)

It’s definitely never about being something you’re not. We don’t even realize when we’re being something we’re not and that’s a pickle. Awareness is difficult at times. I thought I was being myself in the past, but in hindsight I know I wasn’t and it was because I didn’t even know who I was in the first place!!! I definitely thought I did though.
You can always dig deeper into yourself. Introspection is great. Just as much as we try to get to know other people, we can try and enjoy getting to know ourselves. With raw honesty. It’s scary and painful at times, but it’s worth it because it helps you see more aspects of yourself to let out and you can better assess who would be a better match for you.
Being who we are is always our best bet. The question is do we know who we are right now? It’s a bit philosophical and all, but it’s how I roll lol!
And it’s how I have stopped feeling like “the friend or the fling” kind of girl. I own it now: I get to choose to be a friend, a fling or nothing at all. They don’t.

[Angel88]

I don’t exactly have the same issue, but I can relate.
I hope you don’t mind my saying what I kind of read from your comment. When you say “men are intimidated by me”, I see something else. Could it be you’re really just hiding? I have met many women who are accomplished, opinionated, attractive, and very smart who hide behind all of that. Deep down, they’re afraid to be really vulnerable, really flawed, and vocal about what they truly want for fear to be like “those women” who are weak and not this or that. At one point I was like that. I still am. I’m terrified of being flawed and vulnerable. The intimidating thing? Yeah, I’ve heard that before from some men. But I realize it’s just what I project because my armor has always been being smart, and assertive academically and professionally, not because that’s all I am or I genuinely feel that way all the time, but because it keeps me from being abused the way I was as a kid.
Being the so called cool girl is great if it truly is your core, but I have the feeling it might just be an aspect of yourself and not the whole picture.
I don’t mean any disrespect and forgive me if it sounds condescending. I honestly don’t mean it this way.

I just saw myself a few years back in your description.
What happens if you don’t play the drinking game? What happens if you one day just decide to listen to the dude and observe him without giving your opinion?
What kind of man would honestly be a good match for you?
I think many of those men who don’t want to be serious with you are simply not a great match for you. Don’t give them too much credit.
Remember as well that finding a deeper connection is rare. Keep that in mind so you keep your head up even when disappointment strikes.

[Angel88]

“If a man needs to grow up, I am of the opinion that he needs space and to do so on his own, not for a woman to help him.”

I have been working on getting this point. It echoes what several dating experts and advice tells us women. And I happen to agree. I still feel a bit “guilty” though about not helping, but I also know it’s my thoughts today restling with what I have been socialized to believe and do as a “good, self-sacrificing, Florence Nightingale” kind of woman.
I do think he’s simply immature. I don’t think “he’s just not that into me” as most people just leave it. Instead, I know what it is that might be precluding him from “being into me” and it’s the fact that he’s younger than me both physically and emotionally as well as mentally, he’s still in that mode of hanging out with his (predominantly male) friends, and I can see they have quite an influence on him, which is ok for a youngish guy, but not for the guy I want. He’s also very attached to his family and such and it just seems that, although he’s ambitious and working on building his life professionally and all, he’s still not self-aware, not mature, nor that much of a thinker the way I am. From what I can see so far of course. He’s a happy go lucky kind of guy, who’s attractive, but still not very knowledgeable of women and such. I guess he doesn’t need to be because for some girls, younger girls like his ex-girlfriend, pretty and position are all.
Not for me, a grown woman who doesn’t really buy status nor looks, but maturity and depth, plus affection. I am also on the way of maturing more, but I feel I am a bit farther along on that path than he is.
I like him and all, but I don’t feel like teaching him, nor helping him mature. Been there, done that. He’s a good guy and has great potential, but another thing I’ve learned is that “good/great guy” and potential are not enough.

My loneliness though… It kicks me some days and hard.
But I am wide awake to know what is happening. I guess that’s called progress.

[Angel88]

LoneStar, honestly I’m not sure if he’s open to it. We met in April and we had a bit of an issue back in May when we both stopped texting each other because each of us assume the other wasn’t interested. He ended up seeking me out at an event after three weeks of silence and we found out we both assumed wrong. After that though, I kind of got a bit discouraged even though we’ve been talking and meeting and such. Contact in between getting together has dwindled and he’s been traveling around with his friends a lot. I don’t really see potential with him though. We never have conversations that go deeper. I seem to be the only one trying to get to know him and his answers are rather too simple. He just doesn’t seem to be in a place in which he’s looking for a girlfriend. He never buys, he doesn’t do much to “get me” so to speak, so I haven’t really brought anything up. I don’t feel very confident in the whole thing and frankly, he’s just not the guy I want. I thought I would be ok just being casual, but when we got intimate, I was left dissatisfied so I don’t even see the point in casual either.
He’s away on vacation yet again now, so once we see each other again, I will ask a few questions and say a few things. I figure things will be over after that talk.
I am aware of love languages, but for me to even go there, I will need to be committed in a way with that person, I need a foundation to start that talk and I just don’t have that with this guy. So I think it’s not worth trying with him.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m being too radical, but I’ve been burned so many times because of my good intentions that I just don’t feel like “teaching” a man anything.
I don’t know. What do you think?

[Angel88]

Funny how I read this today. I have been sort of going out with someone and I already know all too well he’s not who I am looking for. One of the many reasons why is this: physical touch with him is mainly sexual, otherwise I get none of the kind I crave. I am more of a cuddly, hold hands, hug and kiss spontaneously and for no reason, but he isn’t, at least not with me. I was at his place last night and I found myself initiating every single non-sexual touch. He reciprocates, but there’s no connection, I don’t feel him wanting it or fully welcoming it and enjoying it. It is so damn frustrating.
I am already clear on one thing I absolutely need and it’s affection, both through physical touch and words.

[Angel88]

This sounds great, Sara!! Thank you so much! I would love to read your take on our questions. I am also happy you want to protect this community from people for whom this is not for.
I can’t wait to read your articles :)

[Author]

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