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Lonestar, I am definitely like you on this topic lol. I’m also pretty careful and pay very close attention to the actions of the guy. I hate feeling like I’m chasing so if he’s not initiating much I drop it altogether. I figure, even if he’s unsure, it just seems he’s more passive than I am and that wouldn’t be a good combination anyway, we wouldn’t be compatible. I have become more passive as I’ve learned my lessons. I used to be more of a go-getter with men and now I am more clear on what I want and I am sure I want a man who is cautious but more active than me.
Interesting question, indeed. Personally, I think single/taken are states of being in that you may be seeing someone even if you’re dating around, but if you’re mentally and emotionally invested in that person, even without exclusivity, you are taken. Your mind and heart are not truly open to someone else. Same goes for the opposite. I think people need to define that for themselves. Currently I am sort of going out with someone, but I consider myself single because I’m not invested, we’re not commited, I don’t know if we’re exclusive. Basically we haven’t even talked about any of it and frankly, at this point, I don’t feel like I want to commit to him in any way. So I am and he is single.
Hey Mariposa! Thank you so much for the suggestion. I got the book and I’m already well into chapter 8. Honestly, I went in expecting something very different, but I am pleasantly surprised. Chapter 7 definitely felt validating to me. It was refreshing to be thought of, validated, and understood in this book, as I am someone who is far from the typical protagonist in love stories.
So far, it’s been a good read.How timely, Mariposa. Thank you!
I was just ghosted two days ago after three weeks of everyday contact and weekend dates. Quite abruptly. I was minding my own business and finally ok with the prospect of being alone permanently. I quit online dating last October after a bust of an experience that allowed me to realize it’s just not for me. And then this guy just danced his way into my life. I was quite surprised that he approached me and kept contacting me and asking to see me because frankly, that was a first for me. I let my hopes up a bit but I also felt somewhat grounded. And then pff vanished. I feel on the one hand, it’s probably for the best and I’ve been spared, but it still stings. I was doing fine, why did I let this happen?! And then my mind went to “it will never work for me. It just never does, that’s a sign”. That part of the article resonated. I definitely tend to go to the utter negative once things turn out crappy yet again.
It’s quite exhausting for us,sensitive souls to be let down over and over again. I definitely don’t like dating at all. I don’t really see the fun in it that everyone talks about :/
But oh well. Life goes on, I suppose.Misstree thank you for that song.
Very very relevant, indeed. In my case though, I’d change the words “you’re a little too much” for “you’re not really it” or “you’re not enough”. At least that’s how I’ve felt with these men in the past. Like they like a few bits, but I just don’t do it for them. Now though, in retrospect I realize they actually didn’t do it for me, I just thought they did.
I felt the pain all over my body listening to that song.Oh God. I think that last guy was just looking for an out. Did you tell him the truth? I know we can get caught up in our thoughts and about getting it right, but I’ve come to think there is no right or wrong. If a man is really interested in us and really wants to give things a try, it won’t matter if we show our interest a bit. Honestly, I think we should just be who we are and say what we honestly think and let chips fall where they may. After all, we are looking for someone who accepts us and cares about us as we are in reality. I get that we try to make rules out of things because we’re sick and tired of this thing, but there are no rules. Show your interest the way you see fit, be real and you. If the guy doesn’t like it, then he’s not who you’re looking for anyway and he’ll leave sooner or later no matter what. This is the part I struggle with the most. Being focused on myself and my feelings as opposed to what the guy will think of me. It’s HARD! But I think there’s no other way to be found by someone who likes me, the real me, flaws and all.
The reason I feel like it’s a bad sign if I am excited about someone is because I notice I tend to be excited about men who are rather ambivalent about me. It’s a pattern. The exciment comes from some anxiety inducing thing I pick up from the guy subconsciously. I’m working on focusing on men with whom I don’t feel that, with whom I feel more comfortable.. Which is hard for me. I don’t know if this happens to other women, but I automatically feel wary and nervous around men. Rarely do I feel fully relaxed around one… So I guess that should be my goal? Keeping my eyes open for a guy with whom I feel relaxed and who treats me well. Sounds less than romantic, but given my track record, I think I might need to try that.Oh Courtney, I’m so sorry. My heart broke just reading your last comment. Of course you want to make sense of it somehow because it just doesn’t make any sense!
I can relate to that feeling of shock. But there is nothing for you to do. There is nothing to understand. It just happened that way sadly. Don’t beat yourself up about it. You were you, you gave it your best, you felt, you cared and there’s nothing more you could do. I BBC an totally see why you think about it a lot. It happens to me too. I met a guy a year ago too that I really really liked, but same thing. He wasn’t very sold on me so I walked away before I became some booty call to him. I still think about it and sometimes my head goes to what if mode. Maybe if I had done xyz… But then I remind myself that it wouldn’t have made any difference. I was me, I tried, I cared and it just didn’t pan out. Maybe some day it will pan out with someone.
Sometimes I think that me being super excited about someone is a bad sign. I feel sad and hopeless when I think that, but it’s a thought I’ve had for a while now :(This. Courtney, this is exactly my experience. Except I have never even gotten to the defining a relationship point. It has always been me interested in someone and they are not interested in me. At times they have taken advantage of the situation, other times they have just told me they are not into me and moved right along. I cannot figure out either how it is possible for people to even have reciprocated relationships. It still sounds impossible to me.
Like angelita said, there is nothing wrong with you, you’re not doing anything wrong even if you’re not “normal” by society’s standard. It’s just luck. But I completely understand that urge to try and change whatever it is you think you’re doing wrong or trying to be different. It still happens to me at times. I get this feeling that maybe if I were more conventionally beautiful, maybe if I could not see sexism from a guy, maybe maybe maybe I would find someone. I have to actively remind myself that it doesn’t matter because I want someone who accepts and loves me as is. It doesn’t have to be that hard.
I wish I could tell you how to manage, what the formula is… But I am in exactly the same situation as you and always have been.
The only thing I would remind you of is that when we don’t like something about someone, the issue comes from us. It’s a projection most of the times. When a guy doesn’t like us, more often than not it’s because we represent something for him he hasn’t dealt with and same with us. I know it’s too psychology oriented but I see that being the case many times. The only thing I decided to try lately is trying to make things work with any decent man that approaches me. A friend of mine did that and it was very rough for her at first because she wasn’t into him but she willed herself to at least try to stay close and make friends with him before even going intimate and such and it ended up working for her. She’s in a relationship with that guy now and she’s happy. I know it’s hardly appealing or a formula but I thought that if some gut expressed genuine interest in me, even if I am not convinced, I could at least try, see if I find out more about myself that can point me in the right direction. Now if only I were approached lol.I read Moira’s book. That and my own dating experiences ended up making me quit dating altogether. It is drudgery. Especially when the guy you’re “dating” disappears on you when you thought things were going well. I figured, if this is how a 32 year old man acts, I’m not interested in one.
I would love to fall in love and find a steady boyfriend that becomes a wonderful friend and lover, who I can shower with love and attention, but that seems too difficult to find while dating. Dating is this pressure thing where you know the guy is either wasting your time or looking for the mother of his children and both things make me ugh.
I have no idea if I will ever meet anyone. It seems quite bleak for me at the moment. I think I don’t have the personality nor the stamina dating requires. I’m way too sensitive and I end up anxious and frustrated very easily when these so called dates with men I’m interested in result in nothing.Lately… For me it’s doing what my body feels it needs. Sometimes, it feels like resting, sleeping to no end. If that’s the case, I follow that impulse, take a day off if I can and just sleep.
Sometimes I feel exhausted and want to cry, so I cry as much as I need to. Other times I feel like I need distraction so I watch a funny movie, fun music videos or go out for a walk somewhere nice.
I think being able to feel whatever my body feels helps me identify ways to cope at different moments. Sometimes it’s daydreaming of something that makes me happy.Something that helped me when I felt like that was remembering that what they say, what they show, what I saw was not the whole picture, and that even if the relationship was glorious, it probably wasn’t the kind of relationship I wanted for myself. We tend to get caught up in the idea that other people have it easier, better. That’s rarely the case. We all have different desires, different mentalities and different journeys.
Also, remember that some people get into relationships to avoid being alone, and they rarely assess compatibility well. Whenever I remembered that, it was easier for me to feel happy for those who found someone. Reframing really helps.Lurline93, I know that feeling, but you haven’t missed any chances. We’re still learning a lot, at 24 you’re becoming more of who you want to be. Don’t make it a make it or break it thing. It’s a journey. Make it a journey about discovering who you truly are. Right now, build a life for yourself alone: what are you about? Why? What do you believe in? Why? What do they say? Is it true? And have fun doing things you like, exploring the world, or your town, your family, build more connections, try to let go of the guy thing if you can. Make sure you know or find out who you are alone so you can better assess who’s right to you. Don’t give your power away to a guy to define you. No one can define you.
Reds10, really?
Honestly, I don’t know if they are put off by my relaxed, assertive vibe. Come to think of it, I have actually stopped caring about what they think or how they feel about me. I cannot control their minds nor how they act, and just thinking about playing games or trying to be uber feminine and whatever just tires me dead. So… I’m ok with their reactions. I don’t ever want to pretend to be something different so they like me. I’ve been there and it was a huge mistake. It’s just not sustainable and I’m not sure honest, mature love can be born out of being fake and using flirting techniques.
I’m guessing you are in the US? From what I read from many ladies there, the US is aggressively patriarchal, I’d say quite more than Europe. Maybe these guys are “put off” by your agency and confidence because a. They’re more comfortable with girls who make things easier for them, not out of their authentic ways, but out of looking for validation, and b. Which complements point a, because these men are just not whole in and of themselves and based their identity as men and their self-worth on whether a woman is submissive to them or manageable. Many men say that if they think the woman doesn’t “need” them (based of their own assumptions of course because they never bother having honest conversations with those women), then they simply won’t have a place in their lives… Which,frankly, I think it’s just flat out asinine.
I’d say keep being who you are as is and get ready to be alone for however long it takes till you find a man who has done inner work and lots of thinking and development to find you where you are. He won’t be perfect, but he’ll be a better fit for you and you will be for him. That’s how I see it.
I have come to decide that I will only give myself a chance with a man who is not afraid to go to the ugly places inside himself, to question and to embrace his truth while he works on becoming a better human being. It’s very important that he challenges his sexism, his misplaced expectations and who is interested in being with a woman who doesn’t need him, but who wants to continue to grow with him.“but I’m starting to think of that lack of emotional connection as the result of a really good BS filter.” Yes!!!!!!!!! That’s it. I forgot to mention that part too. It was really an aha for me too. And it’s true. I think when we start getting clearer on what it is we need, what we’re about, and we look at the men we meet more objectively, as they are, we develop a filter. It happens to me. Whenever I meet a guy, I don’t get as excited as I used to. I basically don’t expect him to stick around long. I go about my business and engage with him in a friendly way, with a curious, yet detached attitude, and even though they are not rude or anything of the sort, it takes me a few minutes or a few conversations to see how they contradict themselves and their actions or lack thereof speak volumes. I feel much more relaxed now that I feel I don’t need a relationship. I don’t want to get married, nor have children, so I’m good. Good friends would do.
Thank you for sharing. I could see myself in the words of Mindy Kailin, Stevie Nicks and Rawhide Jones.
It is so true what Nicks says about being an introvert. Every time I say I’m somewhat of an introvert, people open their eyes wide open and go: noooooooo. They think that because I have no trouble speaking in public, talking to people I don’t know and such, I’m supposed to be an extrovert. Um no. And it’s true what she says. Learning to be with ourselves is extremely important I think.
Lately, whenever I imagine myself in a relationship, I just don’t see the point of it. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’ve always been single and I don’t know what it’s like to be approached by a man who is genuinely interested in me as a person, and who really cares about me and shows me with his actions. I have never been able to forge an emotional connection with a man, so I wonder what it is I could gain from a relationship with a man. Sure, being helped with groceries, with tough housework and things like that is nice, but I think we don’t really need a relationship for that. Cuddling and sex? Hey, as women, we could easily find someone to do that with if it’s just for the sake of physicality. Conversation? We have friends and family for that. What am I really missing? Sure, I think it would be nice to have all of that and romantic love in one person, but being 31 and not having seen that first hand nor in the partnered people around me, I’m not very sure it is possible, nor strictly necessary to live a full life
That programming though…. Ah, lifelong battle.
