[Angel88]

I hear you, Lonestar. Oh how I do. That trying and going through the motions or bending over backwards to make someone like us because we like them and they’re the only guy that has smiled back at us in… Forever. That was me, too. It’s funny to think about this attention piece so present in women’s lives. There’s the girl who’s bullied and abused because she’s “ugly”, and the girl who’s always praised and turns heads because she’s “beautiful”. I used to think as the “ugly” girl, I had it worse because getting a man to notice me in a positive way, much less have him be nice to me was like mission impossible. So whenever a guy was barely decent to me, I got my hopes up and turned into a mirror of what I thought he wanted in a girl. God, I feel so embarrassed now. Of course that guy never cared but I kept trying for years on end nonetheless. And then, there were my friends. Interestingly enough, they were all walking cover girls according to beauty standards. They got any boy they wanted, never had trouble getting attention. But now, as a more grown woman, I see that my friends’ lives aren’t necessarily better. They were cheated on, mistreated, left, and hurt regardless. They still turn heads, but most of the men who approach them are flat out gross human beings sometimes. My closest friend is a gorgeous woman. She’s lovely and yet, most of the men who court her and chase her are men with no morals, no serious intentions and weird views of life. They chase and then when she opens the door, they start ignoring her or treating her like a trophy, but not like a human being worthy of love and respect. I realized that there is no magic formula for anything and that my looks wouldn’t have changed my experience much. After all, we all make mistakes and end up having difficult experiences. I know it probably sounds silly to say I used to believe if I looked better, different, then things would be better with men. Being around my wonderful friends has shown me that it’s a fallacy. There is a big component of chance. There’s a lot we can control, like what kind of people we choose to have around us, like what behaviors we can stop and what behaviors we can cultivate and what we believe at the core, but whether we find a wonderful partner or not is not completely under our control. I have learned in the last three years that we are all doing the best we can with what we have, that none of us has the key, and none of us has any guarantees of anything in life. I have also learned that having boundaries and respecting ourselves is crucial to live more peacefully and that being who we are at the core while working on our attitudes when it fits is the best we can do for the best and for the world, plus the only way we have a better chance of meeting someone compatible with us, the real us.
I think on a societal level, there is so much programming we have been exposed to that we need to undo. It’s quite a challenge and process to understand that our sex,gender identity, nationality, etc does not dictate anything about us and does not define us.
It’s been a challenge for me to own who I am: a vulnerable, scaridy cat who feels deeply, but who can be passionate about both things I like and things I dislike, who puts her foot in her mouth a lot, who talks a lot and who cares too much about social matters. A girl who overthinking everything, who gets defensive and who just has no more tolerance for bad treatment. A girl who has a hard time being practical and industrious and who cries at the drop of a hat. A girl who is difficult to get to know, who can be assertive and moody, but who also keeps compassion alive for people. I have come to accept who I am, my insecurities, and good parts, but sometimes it’s hard being me. It’s alright. I’m so glad I’m not alone in my singledom, that I’m not the only girl in the world who’s never had a boyfriend or reciprocated love.
And wow, what a long post. That’s another thing I do…. I talk a lot! Lol

[Angel88]

Thank you, Marienkäfer, for starting this thread. I keep remembering something a friend of mine kept telling me. We only know our past, but we don’t know what the future holds. We simply can’t know. Let’s focus on living our present the best way we can and keep hope alive for those things we truly wish from the heart. It helps me get through it when I feel sad.
Lately I’ve been questioning whether my wanting a partner has more to do with societal programming than my actual desire and I can’t tell for sure. I will say though that being single is very very easy for me… I don’t know any other way to be lol. And I had never thought about the good things about being single. I’m beginning to appreciate my life this way. I still would love to meet a kind, compatible and loving partner, but I’m ok now.
May I ask if you live in Germany?

[Angel88]

Here. I’m 31 and I’ve never been in a relationship. I can sum up my experience with men as follows: grew up bullied because of my looks, so evidently I was always very self-conscious and that may have played a big role. Chased men I liked but none of them wanted a relationship with me. Some just wanted sex, but that was it. I spent most of my time climbing out of poverty, going to university and working my butt off to finally live in Europe, as I always dreamed. Not much time for socializing and then again I’m sort of introverted even though I have no trouble approaching people and holding my own in deep conversation. Ever since I can remember, I have always wanted a boyfriend, but I have had the most rotten luck with it. Many people say it’s because I’m not flirty nor accepting of flaws… But the flaws they talk about are flat out b.s. Type of flaws: misogynistic, sexist attitudes and just plain subpart, abusive treatment, so I tend to disagree with their assertion. I can be sweet and kind, but if I don’t like something, anyone will know. Some people say men are intimidated by that, but personally I refuse to make myself less just so a man likes me. I have tried that before and it has been terrible for me anyway. It’s not sustainable to try and be something I am not.
I have been thinking about why I have been single since the last time I had a man I was interested in reject me, and yes, I have found many things I have done wrong. I didn’t really know myself well as a teenager nor in my twenties, so I molded myself into what I thought the guy I liked wanted in a woman and that is certainly not attractive. Also, I picked men who were unavailable without even realizing. I see those things clearly now and I am working on figuring out who I truly am, being more conscientious about who I would like to be with. Part of me fears opening up to a man because I am afraid of rejection, and part of me just knows finding a man who is a good fit for me is very very difficult, so I’ve been feeling a bit more accepting of my singledom. I try to look on the bright side and I realize that failing to find a partner in those men I chose in the part was a blessing: I wouldn’t have achieved much of what I have if I had sacrificed my dreams just to be with someone, and I think I would have when I was younger.
Some days I feel very lonely and would love to have a special man and a wonderful partnership, but I am learning to be ok on my own for my own peace of mind.

[Angel88]

Thank you so much for sharing the video!
It made me feel less sad about my loneliness. I think I have more days on which I feel ok with possibly staying alone for good. It’s liberating. I hope the sad ones take long to come back.

[Angel88]

Thank you, reds10 for starting this thread and for sharing.
It’s very fitting to where I am now. I have been looking at our social dynamics and I see a lot of things I had no idea about when my life revolved around being liked by some random guy because I wanted a relationship.
I feel exactly how you feel: do I want a relationship because of social conditioning?
I think most of us do somehow. We are humans and we want connection and stability, I think that’s true for most of us, but I do think there’s a lot of messages around us that contribute to how much weight we put on that.
You’re right about untapped potential and I do agree with the author of the video in that there’s a lot of work to do to actually ensure that women thrive as individuals in society. I look forward to the day people choose a partner because they want to and not because of pressure and conditioning. I look forward to the day when we’re not asked why we’re single nor judged for it. I look forward to the day every individual regardless of gender is required to define themselves on their own terms and can be seen as a person and not a label or a bunch of expectations that are not fair.

[Angel88]

Dear Courtney,

Reading your second post makes me feel ugh… I don’t think this man is a good match for you. What you describe doesn’t sound like a man worth getting to know because he’s keeping you at arms length and I personally think that three months in is enough time to be more open about answering a simple question like “have you ever been in love”. I have had dates with men who opened up about it within the first 3 dates and without too much reservation. If you need closeness, he is showing you he is not a good match. Another clue is that a person with whom it’s only fun to have a candid conversation with when they’re inebriated is really not healthy for a mature, close, loving relationship. We all have our flaws, but personally, I consider this a major one. Of course you’re the one who knows best what’s going on, but judging from your last comment…. I’m not very optimistic.

[Angel88]

I agree with all the comments here. Love and finding a partner are not a question of looks. I used to feel like the ugliest woman on earth. Lots of bullying and negative messages growing up depleted my self-esteem and had me believing that.
Until I started fully working on all the hurt and pain and the actual issues.
That’s when I started working on how I saw myself. I didn’t start seeing myself as super attractive or anything, I just started looking at myself as someone worthwhile and deeper than my looks. I stopped comparing myself and focusing on what truly mattered. I started distancing myself from shallow people and focusing on actually getting to know people, regardless of their appearance.
Another breakthrough moment came when I found myself hanging out with two girls who were basically walking fashion magazine covers. I felt awful seeing how many men gathered around them wherever we are, until I started looking closer. These women had worse love lives than mine, were still single and not seen for who they were as people. Being close to them allowed me to see that they based their value on the attention they got, but not on their real selves. I met a woman that, in my eyes, was not attractive at all. She was very overweight, didn’t dress well either, and had acne, and had a husband who was handsome and super devoted to her. She was a lovely human being and he was as kind as she was.
Meeting those wonderful women and seeing their struggles and lives woke me up. They helped me realize that love is not shallow and is not about your looks or credentials.
I started reminding myself of that, being grateful for who I am in full and wearing clothes that made me feel comfortable and good. I started feeling more optimistic and I started focusing on men who were healthy, kind individuals. What do you know! I started being approached for the first time in my life. I am a bit heavier than I was, and yet, that hasn’t hindered me from being liked and appreciated. I am still single, but I no longer feel that defines me, let alone my looks.
I hope this helps you find your own shining light.

[Angel88]

Hi,Courtney.
There are two things that give me
Pause from your post: you say you feel
Lonely even with him, but then you
Say you think being with him is better
Than being alone.
I have the feeling you are acting out
Of fear. I know being single can get
Tough, but I don’t think being with
Someone for the sake of being in a
Relationship is not necessarily better.
The question to ask yourself is if this
Is truly enough without kidding
Yourself. Being fully honest will
Help you get clearer on what to do.
I don’t know what’s right for you,
Only you know that. I am guessing this man is not it and you are going for
“better than nothing”
The crazy about you feeling is very fleeting on the other hand.
What exactly is it that makes you feel that way about someone? Sometimes chemistry is a pattern, and more often than not, a bad one. I do not know if you have already looked into that yet, but maybe that’s also worth questioning.
Good luck to you and clarity your way.

[Author]

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