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Ugh I’m sorry to hear that happened to you, mariposa. It IS infuriating indeed. How did you respond??
Just chiming in to say yes, we would love to read more of your sound advice, Sara! And agreed on keeping the community small but connected :)
Heya L_Gris
Welcome to the forum!
I think you’re completely justified in feeling that way. Your message sounds great – it’s direct without being confrontational, and is unambiguous. Life’s too short for mind games.
Plus, if he responds positively with a set date in mind, great. If he continues to waffle, you have your answer as well. Either way, you’ll know and you can make a decision from there.
Just my two cents. All the best!
Sorry I took so long to reply, but thank you so much for your responses – I really appreciate you taking time to craft thoughtful replies!
Like both of you, I’ve had days where self-kindness comes more easily and others, where it’s a real struggle. I guess the struggle is where we slip back into old patterns of thinking, and start wondering whether self-compassion is just another way of “being too easy on ourselves”. But through trial and error, I really find being patient with myself is SO much better for my wellbeing than beating myself up and pushing myself to keep going (e.g by forcing myself to go on dating apps, etc). I feel so much better just listening to my body and constantly checking in on what I need.
It’s not self-indulgent, is it? After all, without being cliche, life is a marathon. We can’t keep running at top speed our entire lives. We’ll burn out eventually.
I’m a little late to the conversation, but just wanted to say “me too”. I always feel like it’s the guys who show so much interest at the beginning, and when I respond similarly, they back off. WTF?
There may be hundreds of theories of why we keep going back to the same types of relationships — attachment issues, self-esteem issues, etc — but nothing really stops the pain, does it? Or the fear of getting hurt again.
It does help to get to know yourself better though. Through therapy and meditation/quiet time to reflect, I’m trying to understand my impulses and behaviour a little better. It helps me better understand why I choose to go down a particular relationship route. It’s not always easy, of course, which is why I’m super grateful to have a therapist whom I can untangle these issues with.
You mentioned considering speaking with a therapist … and I highly encourage it! It’s really helpful to have a compassionate (but still impartial) sounding board to talk through all your fears and worries (especially those you may not feel as comfortable sharing with family or friends).
Sending a big hug your way!
Btw, relevant song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtvJaNeELic
Hi angelita
I can completely relate to what you’re feeling! It’s normal – human beings are mammals after all, so we thrive on physical closeness/touch. Not sure where you live, but the professional cuddling movement is really taking off in the US (and I think Europe). Maybe thats’s something you can explore? Just google “professional cuddling” and you’ll find scores of articles on videos of this movement.
Admittedly, it’s a bit weird at first to imagine paying someone to cuddle you, but I really think it’s not much different from getting a massage. Human beings really need touch in our lives – again, simply google “human beings need touch” and you’ll see scores of articles about why touch is so important in our lives, and how a lack of touch can actually have negative effects on our health!
Feel free to reach out if you wanna chat more :)
Hi mariposa
Thanks for this! I believe Sara shared this as well on her FB page? Such a heartwarming read :)
Truly, as uncomfortable and distressful the single life can be at times, there are also plenty of tender, beautiful moments that don’t get enough credit. (Which is such a pity. Do you think if people realised being alone isn’t that scary after all, they would be less likely to stay on in unfulfilling relationships?)
Hi Lonestar
Thank you for being so candid in your sharing. I can certainly relate.
For a long time, within my circle of friends, I’ve always felt like the inexperienced, clueless one when it came to dating and relationships. I was single for a very long time (I didn’t even go on dates), so I felt very “out of the scene”. Whenever my friends talked about sex or relationships, I could only contribute whatever I knew from magazines or past relationships from eons ago.
And then, even when I started dating again, I felt like I didn’t know what it was like to be in a long-term committed relationship (still don’t, actually). While I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy and clueless-ness, I am slowly trying to accept everybody has a different path. As much as I don’t know what’s going on in their lives, they don’t know what’s truly going on in mine either. For example, I have friends who are terrified of being alone, whereas because of my circumstances, I’ve grown to be very comfortable with my own company.
Nobody’s life is perfect. It’s just that we live in a culture that celebrates coupledom. And while being in a loving relationship can be amazing, it doesn’t mean being coupled up will completely erase all your feelings of insecurity, ennui, anxiety, depression, etc. All these feelings will continue to arise and dissolve throughout our lives, whether we’re single or in a relationship.
I guess whatever I’m saying is what has been said many times in Sara’s book as well as in this forum – simply sit with your feelings. Be curious about them, don’t judge yourself for having them, be kind to yourself (this is SO important) and just hang out with your feelings. There’s a poem by Rumi that illustrates this so beautifully:
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.— Jellaludin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks<3
Hi Lonestar
Thanks for sharing! I know what you mean about the gratitude journal. I tried that as well, but got lazy and stopped after awhile. I really should get back into it. I hope this post inspires you to get back to journaling as well!
May I just say, I love how all of you are so candid about opening up to these sticky, uncomfortable feelings. Coming from a society that mostly celebrates the bright and beautiful, it’s so comforting to find people who aren’t afraid to get real :)
@mariposa here’s what my therapist has to say in relation to this:
“Just remember compassion is all about balancing care and respect. When we’re ‘too kind,’ it’s likely that we’re not respecting ourselves and our ability :)
An analogy she often uses to describe self-compassion is that of a good sports coach. You’re not going to let your team player slack off, but if you know he/she is facing personal issues, you’re not gonna force them to work hard either. You’ll cut them a little slack and give them some breathing room. That said, you’ll also know when they’re just trying to skive, which is when you’ll push them to work harder.
However, like you said, it’s a tricky balance. There are so many voices in our heads competing for our attention. However, one thing I really took away from Sara’s book and coaching sessions was the practice of meditation. While I’m not the most conscientious meditator, I’ve found that the simple action of taking 10 minutes a day to just focus on breathing really helps ease the anxiety and constant go-go-go of daily life.
Come to think of it, slowing down and just focusing on my breathing really helps ease those feelings of discomfort and despair as well. Even if it’s just for a little while :)
Hi Angel88, Hi mariposa
Thank you for sharing! Yes, I’ve been trying to listen more to my body and what it needs versus plowing through the day, doing what I think I “should” be doing. It’s not always easy, but it helps to know I’m not alone in these (very human) struggles :*)
@mariposa I have tried coaching sessions with Sara as well, and also found it very helpful. To be honest, I’m in regular therapy as well, which has been immensely helpful for my emotional/mental well-being. But thanks for the heads-up!Here’s another question. As much as the concepts of self-compassion and self-kindness have helped me, though, I do wonder, “Can we ever be too kind to ourselves?” Like, will we ever be so lenient that we let ourselves go entirely?
Hi heartsink
Thank you so much for being so open with your experience! My heart was really touched by your sharing.
I’ll like to share with you a little story, because it sort of reminds me of yours.
A couple of years ago, I had a (very brief) holiday fling with a guy who lives in a different country from me. On the surface, it may have seemed like just another casual affair but for me, it was extraordinary because I had been single (and untouched!) for about a decade then.
I didn’t realise this then, but my dry spell had affected my emotional wellbeing. I was incredibly closed-up, cynical, and fearful. I didn’t admit it to anyone, but there was a huge void in my heart.
However, spending time with this guy felt like I’d finally found a huge missing piece. It was like something finally clicked, and it brought out all kinds of positive feelings like happiness and contentment. Because we both knew we probably wouldn’t see each other again after the end of my holiday, there wasn’t any burden of expectations to weigh us down. After spending a long time questioning my self-worth, it was nice to have someone make me feel special again (and to return the favour, of course).
When I returned to my country, I did feel sad that nothing more was going to blossom from our experience together but till today, I have zero regrets. Being with this guy opened up my heart in a big way, and helped me be more vulnerable in love. (Which led me down the road to falling in love again … and then losing that love, hence my original post. haha)
I guess what I’m trying to say to you is … as devastating and heartbreaking as it is to lose this connection, I think there is plenty for you to be grateful for as well. You mentioned it’s been 7 years since you last felt this way. Isn’t it magical and soul-affirming to experience the great wash of love all over again? :)
Why not give thanks that you had the privilege of loving someone and being loved in return … no matter how short-lived?
Think about it. Each day, you encounter hundreds, if not thousands of people. Yet, this one person, no different from any other person, wanders into your life and for some reason, both of you establish a connection. I can tell you, this is not a common occurrence, which is what makes it so valuable.
Yes, it is also equal parts painful to lose the connection. And by all means, grief. Cry. Rage. Do whatever you need to feel the pain. But do also know that the reason why you’re feeling such deep pain is also because you loved deeply. Whether or not this relationship works out in the end, what you shared was real and beautiful and moving. And nobody can ever, ever take that away from you.
<3
Oh yeah, forgot to mention another helpful piece of advice. In his book “The Antidote: Happiness For Those Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking” , Oliver Burkeman talked about examining the worst-case scenario.
Often, when we say things like, “What if I never get married?” or “What if I’m single and alone forever?”, people will quickly dismiss these fears by saying, “That’s impossible. You’ll find somebody.”
By saying this, they are actually REINFORCING the notion that yes, it WOULD be terrible if you never got married or was alone for the rest of your life.
A more helpful way would be to EXPLORE these fears – break it down into pieces and examine it. Would it really be that scary? Would we really be unable to cope?
When we shine the light on the dark corners of our deepest fears, we realise hey, maybe it’s not as bad as we thought. Sure, it may be lonely and occasionally depressing, but can we still find joy and meaning and fulfilment in this so-called “monstrous existence of alone-ness”?
Food for thought :)
Hi mariposa
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It’s so true what you said – how something so life-altering can force us to reshape our perspective. Having experienced the deep grief of losing loved ones, it’s a constant personal reminder of how temporal life is. At the risk of sounding trite, “this too shall pass”.
Another thing that reminds me of how fleeting everything on this earth is Carl Sagan’s reflections on the pale blue dot.
It’s hard to read that and not feel a sense of awe and humility towards our existence :)
Thanks for your thoughtful response, Mariposa! Having read your replies in the other threads, I must say I really like how you always take time to craft such warm, heartfelt responses :)
What you said is so true “it’s crazy how life can feel so full and empty at the same time”. Just wondering how do you make space / make peace with that?
I’m asking because it so often feels like a struggle, and I tend to beat myself up for “not being grateful enough” or “not being in the moment enough”.
Thoughts?
