Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Angel88, I really think your reply was the slap in the face I needed. Really. Like Cher slapping Nicolas Cage and yelling ‘snap out of it!’ (except he didn’t snap out of it, but we can isolate that one scene for this purpose). I’m very appreciative of it, although I’m sorry to have brought up not great memories. How I felt a week ago feels foreign now, so it must have worked. This dude sucks, and I also put myself in his girlfriend’s shoes, and I don’t think I’d be ok with my boyfriend paying the same kind of attention to other women as he was to me. I have plenty of male friends who are cognizant of boundaries, and this guy doesn’t seem to be, so his behavior isn’t very respectable either.
Situationships are traps indeed. Thank you again for your post.
I also finished the book and felt ambivalent about it sometimes, but overall found it very insightful.
Didn’t mean to make love a theme for my summer reading, but I’m reading The Course of Love by Alain de Botton now. Very interesting look at a couple from first meeting throughout their marriage, broken up in sections by different ‘milestones,’ so to speak. Also peppered with some philosophy and psychoanalysis. I’m enjoying it quite a bit by how real it seems. Most love stories end when the couple gets together or gets married. You don’t see the sometimes messy aftermath, but that’s where this book really starts.
Anyone know any good books/memoirs etc about love/relationships/etc that primarily involve people of color or interracial coupledom?
Sometimes it’s hard to stand our ground and say no when we’re not getting what we truly want, but we’re getting something out of it.
Yep. Currently ‘just friends’ with someone I’m very interested in that I met through a work thing, but he has a gf. It’s been a long time since I’ve even had a crush on anyone (long line of bad/boring dates mixed in), so I figured I could settle for friendship. But it’s probably more difficult than not hanging out with him at all.
Angel88, I appreciate your advice of ‘surrendering.’ I think that’s the word I’ve been looking for. It’s been especially hard lately.
Microbreakups are super annoying! That emotional piece is hard. I stopped internet dating about a year ago and don’t really try anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve just blocked myself off from potential disappointment and given up (story/post for another day).
And relaxing into things is so much harder than it sounds, but I think it gets a little easier (probably still not that easy) over time. Hope you find a path towards that balance. It took a long time for me, but I think you’ll know when you find it.
There’s a really great illustrator on Instagram and one of her posts is a line graph of life that starts in a straight upward trend and then loops and zigzags all over the place. She herself set off for an extended adventure in Europe and within a week or two ended up in the hospital for a couple months. The life you want may indeed be in the future, but it’s unlikely it’s a linear path to get there. You’re busy, you know, living, so you probably are already doing exactly what you need to be doing. I’d maybe even argue for doing less and making sure you have time-outs to regroup. Beachbum’s idea of the 3 month check in is great. Checking in with yourself regularly and often can prevent burnout of all kinds.
I’m interpreting your post to read that dating is part of your focus on yourself, and that other life things are getting in the way. I’d like to pose this question: Is dating/finding a relationship essential to “forward”? And going back to Beachbum’s idea, are there things in your day-to-day that are different than they were 3 months ago? My therapist helped me think in those terms, and she constantly reminds me that I’m meeting new people all the time just living my life. They may not all be romantic prospects, or maybe none of them are, but it still counts.
Haha I think I get what you’re saying, because if someone suggested it to me, I’d feel really icky about it too. I think it might depend on how comfortable you are with being single. If you don’t mind it, or you’re an extrovert, you might be feeling weird because events like these don’t apply to you. But structured events can maybe help for people who don’t like being single but have trouble meeting someone.
I don’t know you, but I highly, HIGHLY doubt the reason you’re single is because you don’t want to go to this event or events like it. The fact that you don’t want to go might be a sign of self-awareness. Maybe you know your time is better (or more happily, or more productively) spent elsewhere, in which case there is an opportunity cost and there is something to lose. And you would know better than your friends/coworkers. I think there’s a pervasive notion that if you’re single you must be looking, and if you’re not maximizing all possibilities to meet a partner, your singleness is somehow your fault. That’s hogwash. And I’ve definitely felt guilt when that message came from people close to me, like I needed to show them I was trying. But trying what? To find a partner to please other people or get them to shut up? Again, hogwash.
In any case, I feel you on this.
Do you think if people realised being alone isn’t that scary after all, they would be less likely to stay on in unfulfilling relationships?
YES.
And from the above link: “‘You have to put on an artist’s mind-set and get creative and paint a portrait of yourself alone that’s breathtaking.’…I realized that I had been following her advice without knowing it…” Same for me, except this part of my journey was not the result of a breakup but by exhaustion from wondering what was wrong with me. I’m almost at the other extreme now, where I can’t be bothered to even wait for a friend to join me for some activities.
I’m actually pretty happy as a single person, but there are days I’m not. I’m looking for someone who wants to share something, not someone who is sizing me up on a first date. In the last year or two, I’ve found that people I’ve gone out with have shown their cards very early on, and it’s been easy to tell if someone is front of me because of a fear of being alone rather than a genuine feeling of want.
Oh man, Lurline93, I have BEEN there. I also used to avoid friends in serious relationships or get really defensive when they asked about my love life. Honestly, some people are just so caught up in their own thing that they forget how to be good friends so they ask the first question that comes to mind. Don’t be afraid to call them out and tell those people how you feel about their questions. If they’re truly your friends, they’ll understand. They’ve been there too. It’s amazing how quickly and conveniently some people forget the struggle.
I’ll echo a lot of what Angel88 said, especially “what I saw was not the whole picture” and “We all have different desires, different mentalities and different journeys.” A friend of mine is constantly posting pictures of her husband and her kids on facebook but on the phone she can only talk about how exhausted she feels. That part is never in the photos. I’m also not sold on marriage/children, so it’s not worth getting jealous over.
Do the things that feed your soul and make you feel good. If you like cooking, cook more. It’s Friday night, I’m home alone, and I just cooked myself dinner. It’s delicious. If you love writing, start a blog, even if only one random person in France is reading it. If you like staring at the same painting in your local museum, do it. Do the things that make your heart sing, even if no one is available to do them with you.
If by any chance social media is triggering this reaction from you, try taking a break from it. I went off Facebook for over a year. Sure, I missed some birthday party invites and such, but my closest friends knew well enough to call/email/text if there was something legit going on. I did eventually put my page back up, but I unfriended those I hadn’t talked to 5 years (it was a lot of people!).
Be true to yourself. It sounds super cheesy (trust me, I wanted to punch everyone in the face who said that, or “oh, it’s about timing”), but it’s the only way someone will appreciate you for who you really are.
I hope that helps. I’ve been in your shoes. It’s not fun, but it’s not permanent.
I think when we start getting clearer on what it is we need, what we’re about…
Yes! Virtual high five, Angel88! My needs are so vastly different from what they were five years ago. I’m actually not even sure I would’ve called them “needs” at 25, because what I really lacking back then was self-esteem and confidence, which don’t suddenly appear with a significant other.
Do you find men put off by that relaxed vibe? I don’t get nervous on dates anymore, and I get a sense the guys I’ve gone out with in the last year or two are unnerved by my lack of nerves. I don’t mean to do it, but to be any other way would be a false portrayal of myself. It’s like they freak out when they realize they’re with a woman who is fully functional on her own.
sigh
Yeah! I remember reading that list when it came out. I think each one resonated with me in some way, but Traister’s and Kaling’s resonated the most. I’m a big believer that being single does not mean you’re in a holding pattern; it is real life, just one of many, many different ways of going about it. Drives me crazy when people assume that I’m “taking a break” from dating. I’m not taking a break from it. Putting in extra effort to date, for me, is taking a break from other things that I spend my time on. Angel88, I’ve been feeling the same as you for awhile. I’ve been doing so many things on my own that I don’t see the necessity of a relationship that I once did. And like Mindy Kaling, I felt most boy crazy when I wasn’t intellectually or professionally fulfilled. Grad school and a career change solved that problem.
At 30 I’ve also never had that emotional connection or met anyone that honestly tried to get to know me, but I’m starting to think of that lack of emotional connection as the result of a really good BS filter.
That programming, though…
Basically everything Mariposa said. Especially the leaving early thing. I’ve had several family weddings in the last few years and every time we took two cars so that my sister and I could bail after dessert.
Lost_Hope, I’ve been there. But I also think your dad kinda-sorta has a point. I’ve attended four weddings in the last couple years for relatives around my age with whom the relationship is take-it-or-leave-it at best. I’ll likely never see some of them again till my own wedding, if that ever happens. There was one in particular I did not want to go to, but my mom said something similar to what your dad said. I was pissed, but over time I see she was kind of right. I can be happy for them because while I want a relationship, I don’t want their relationship. I do not want the pressure the bride and groom had to find someone and get married/settle down ASAP, and she’s had to move her job twice for him. Those are just two of many things that I would never want for myself.
So, maybe what I’m trying to say is that if you feel like you can’t be happy for them, you can maybe stop other negative feelings by identifying the things you want in a relationship that you’re not seeing demonstrated in the relationships around you. For example, I don’t want kids, so I need to find someone who also doesn’t want them. I went to a friend’s wedding where the groom had never traveled abroad, and travel is extremely important to me. I love the wise words of Amy Poehler: Good for them, not for me. And not “not for me” because I don’t want to be in their shoes, but there might be something that’s just not a match.
30 and also a life-long single person. I used to beat myself up over my lack of relationship experience, but I can’t imagine having the life and opportunities I have now if I were building and/or maintaining a relationship with someone. I got really aggressive about going back to school and my career, and I don’t think it would’ve happened if I were dating. Granted, the right person would’ve given me the time and space to do it, but almost all the men I’ve gone out with in my adult life have assumed I’ll drop everything to see them. I feel more myself at 30 than I ever did in my 20s, and even though I’ve felt lonely at times, I remind myself that the feeling is only temporary.
I agree with you that mortgage payments and travel and the like are easier to deal with when two people are contributing to them, but I also think that the benefit can plateau. Grocery and utility bills go up when you add household members and square footage. Some things are absolutely more enjoyable with another person, but the extra money he or she contributes could very well be a wash unless that person is better off financially. There will always be an activity that’s cost prohibitive, regardless of relationship status.
I just thought of an article I read once for a grad class that argues that the person in the relationship with more resources, financial and otherwise, holds more power in the relationship, and has more freedom to leave than the person who doesn’t. It was interesting and made me think harder about intentions because I’ve seen both sides play out, someone stays for the material benefits, another uses them as a control tactic.
Personally, I’d like to see those power dynamics disappear and more mainstream examples of single women who work hard to make it on their own (and not just wealthy CEOs and the like), who are also genuinely happy. I’m certain they exist. There’s still more social pressure to partner up than pressure to recognize the economic and political reality that being single is far from disastrous. The basic biological/evolutionary urge to find a partner will still be a common experience for most people, but hopefully the stigma of being alone will erode.
I think the whole “are you seeing someone?” question is really intrusive. And this might be mean, but I kind of enjoy throwing things back in people’s faces and making them ever so slightly uncomfortable. Used this one at a wedding this summer: “I’ve gone out with someone a couple times recently. He did tell me how he gets his drugs on the internet, but he’s otherwise a really nice guy…” Their faces were priceless, and it shut them up. (That also really happened on the last date I went on.)
