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I love Traister’s book! Even though it was very factual with anecdotes and interviews, I found it pretty empowering and made me think about men I’ve dated or communicated with on sites/apps in the past who, in retrospect, really didn’t seem to like that I wasn’t willing to drop everything for them (um, because I have stuff to do?). I’ll watch the clip you posted soon.
I’ve read a lot about occupying time when you’re single, but it’s always tinged with this notion of finding hobbies/activities with the intention of meeting someone. I wish the message was more “do these things because they’re worth doing, period.” There’s probably more fulfillment in that anyway, and on your point about fulfillment I think people forget that it doesn’t come in one package. And when you’re enthusiastic about anything, people notice, and they might not be enthusiastic about the same thing but it can be inspiring and push them toward something they want to get involved in. I love talking to younger people about that. There were a couple periods recently when I was feeling really low about being single, but I’m really lucky to have had a lot of new and awesome experiences this year and they’re a source of pride because I made them happen myself. Some solo trips and women’s political stuff, but not everything has to be about meeting a partner. And with those marriage trends being what they are, maybe that extra time and space we have in our lives will be the driving force behind a lot of change for the better.
And this is me. Like every day:
And while I do very much want a relationship, I’m also relatively happy on my own, and sometimes I question how much of it is actually me wanting it vs. me buying into what society tells me is normal.
Users NOT finding a partner better suits the companies’ bottom lines than finding one, that’s for sure.
All these articles about online dating and whether or not it’s destroying humanity or making it harder to date, etc, etc…they make me wonder if we are putting WAY too much pressure on ourselves to couple up. Yes, as humans/living beings it’s natural to want to mate and reproduce, and we’re intelligent and emotional and want to share our lives with someone. But how much of our actual needs absolutely must be filled by a partner? It may sound pessimistic, but I’ve kind of been operating under the assumption that I’m in this for myself (and for disclosure, Rebecca Traister’s All the Single Ladies kind of changed my life) and if someone comes along, great. If not, that sucks but I’m also blessed with a job and health insurance (my friends can tell you that there are definitely days/weeks I do not feel this way, but most of the time it’s nice to not have anyone in my way).
Valentine said above
I’m still looking for a way to move much more quickly to what’s real.
This will sound corny as hell, but the realest thing we’re going to get is ourselves, isn’t it? I’m not saying never date or never pursue a partner, but being as real as we can with ourselves is going to weed out everyone who can’t/won’t handle that (and in my experience, no one I ever met through the internet has come close to even trying), which might be a slower but more satisfying process in the end. I also think because online dating immediately sets up the expectation of a romantic connection, it’s more disappointing when time after time after time it doesn’t happen whereas it is more exciting when you’re out and about living your life and in walks someone who surprises you. I’m pretty cynical, but not without optimism.
“There’s no formula for who gets the marriage card and who doesn’t.” Yep.
I’ve thought a lot about Mariposa’s post, and I think LoneStar hit it. I’d add, from my own experience (which includes a decent amount of therapy), that I don’t like to think about romantic partnership in terms of luck. I see luck just another potential vehicle for comparison that separates things into “good” and “bad.” My friend has a parter = good luck, I don’t = bad luck? My friend has a partner, but that has nothing to do with me.
As much as I wanted to punch my friends in the face whenever they said it in the past, I think they’re right about it being about timing, and I simply haven’t met anyone who wants and values the same things as me. I think a lot of us want a deep explanation as to why we’re single so we can “fix” it, and I still do sometimes, but the answer probably really is that simple. Things maybe just are what they are.
I have these moments too, but there are two things I focus on to pull me out of them: A) I will never know for 100% certain what is going on with those other couples. Sure, my girl friends could be gushing about their new bf’s because they’re genuinely happy, or it could be that they’re just psyched they’re no longer single. And B) I am not my friends.
I know a few couples that look solid on the outside but I’ve caught glimpses of true insecurity and unhappiness. I also want and value different things in life and relationships than my friends. You may not have what your friends have, but you are making the right decisions and doing what’s best for you and no one else. Work on building the home you want for yourself, and let the right person into it. Yes, it’s more expensive and may take longer, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be fulfilling and worthwhile. My friends have great apartments and go on vacations, and I’m essentially paying through the nose to live in a dusty closet, but I worked really, really hard for that dusty closet and I’m proud of it. Think about what you value and do not compromise.
I am 30/no relationships, but I look around and I see a lot of women I know talk themselves into going more dates with men who who do not interest them, or they keep going back to a crappy ex when they can’t tolerate being alone, or they stay in years-long relationships because they think it’s better than being single. It makes me realize that being with someone does not guarantee a higher quality of life, and it’s valuable time I could be spending doing other things that will definitely be enriching. I haven’t yet met anyone doing those enriching activities, but I’m sleeping well at night regardless. It would be nice to share my life with someone, but it’s also really nice to not have to buy Christmas presents for anyone and get those Nike trainers I’ve been eyeing for myself.
This is a great question and one I’ve been struggling to articulate myself, but I think I’m in a similar boat. I’m not unfamiliar with being alone and loneliness. I’ve been alone my whole life (30, no relationships at all, really. Just a few month-long whatevers). But I’m currently experiencing a shift in how that feels. I went from the “ugh I have no one around” to “I’ve built this decent life for myself that I enjoy, now I’d like to share it with someone (but not just anyone)” types of loneliness.
I also feel like I’m in a very different place than people around me, on two fronts though. I have friends younger than me that are out late, drinking a lot, hooking up with whomever, and friends who are older and married with kids. I can’t fully relate to either group and that makes me panicky, left out, and bored around them. One thing that’s helped me is to set up more one-on-one time with people instead of going for the group setting. I have more control over the conversation, like, if I’m with mostly married moms, the conversation is going to be about the husbands and kids, without a doubt. If I’m with my younger friends, it’s going to be about how drunk they got last weekend and who they called over at 2am. When I’m with fewer people at once, the conversation is richer and more varied, there’s more equal interest in what is happening in each other’s lives, and I still get to spend time with people I like to be around.
My social circle has shrunk considerably over the last few years, and most people I am closest to are in different places than I am, but we still have a good time, and our friendships are stronger.
