Can you make a decision to fall in love? Writer Mandy Len Catron wanted to find out. As Catron writes in a wildly popular New York Times Modern Love column, she told an acquaintance about a technique, developed by psychologist Arthur Aron, in which two strangers ask each other 36 questions of increasing intimacy and then stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes straight. When Aron conducted his study more than two decades ago, two participants fell in love in his lab and later married.
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One year ago today, I published my first book, It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single.

The book is based on a Modern Love column I published in 2011 about meeting my husband at 39, after spending the previous twenty years wondering what was “wrong” with me that I couldn’t find a partner (and which I recently learned is of the most popular Modern Loves in the column’s ten-year history). In the book, I take on all of the annoying reasons people tell singles they’re alone–from “you’re too needy” to “you’re too independent.”

Before my book came out, I was cranky about the idea of self-promotion–for all the usual reasons; it seemed icky and uncool. Plus, I knew there was a good chance I’d annoy people. But then I heard a smart artist named Ann Rea address this on a podcast. “Too bad,” she said. “You think your local dentist wants to market himself? He wants to be filling teeth. Same with your lawyer. She wants to be working on cases, not advertising herself. This is just what you have to do if you’re a professional.”*

Chastened, I decided to learn as much as I could about how a person can effectively market their own book without being too irritating (though I’ll let others be the judge of that last part).  Here’s some of what what I’ve learned.

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If you’re having a quiet evening at home tonight, or anytime this weekend, Lea Thau’s Love Hurts series on Strangers is a perfect listen. I gushed about this series before, and quite frankly didn’t think I could love it more. But Lea just did a follow up and it’s frickin’ great.

Couples often like to say that their New Year’s Eve plans are really boring — a quiet dinner for two, a movie night with the kids. When you’re single, boring isn’t really an option. Especially if you’re looking for love, watching Netflix in your pajamas feels like a serious negation of the most critical single-person obligation: Getting out there. (more…)

I’m having a very nice morning.

The New York Times just published a list of the 10 Most Popular Modern Loves of All Time and my first Modern Love, Sometimes It’s Not You — Or The Math, is Number 6!

The Times has also posted a list of The Styles Sections Most Popular Articles of the Year, and my second Modern Love, The Hard-Won Lessons of the Solitary Years. Is on that list, too!

So I’m feeling kind of groovy.

I’m also really happy to see that Daniel Jones, the Modern Love editor, made both lists too for his terrific essay Good Enough? That’s Great.

This year Dan published a really smart and insightful book about his ten years as the Modern Love editor called Love Illuminated: Exploring Life’s Most Mystifying Subject (with the Help of 50,000 Strangers). The book is funny, wise and very kind. Although Dan claims to not be an expert, he clearly knows much more about love than most of the so-called experts telling us that we need to change and shape-shift in order to find love. So if you liked my book, check out Love Illuminated!

Oh, and if you are new to this page and like my essays, there’s a lot more in my book It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single.

Happy Saturday!

“I am 30 years old, and I’ve spent every holiday as
 a single person. Being single is difficult anytime, but it feels worse 
during the holidays. All of my friends are married with children, so it’s 
difficult to socialize with them in general, because people usually spend
 more time with their partners and children. It gets worse during the
 holidays, because holidays are about family. I also don’t have a family,
 so I’m alone. I always get invited to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas
 with my friends and their families. I did that once, and I didn’t want to
 do it again, because you see people with their families and then go home alone.
 It’s almost like it enhances the fact that I’m single. Once New Year’s is over, I feel
 much better and look forward to having a productive year.” — Tiffany

Dear Tiffany,

If American culture tends to make single people feel bad, Christmas is America on steroids. (more…)

Dating during the holidays can be tricky. How long should you date before you exchange gifts? When is the appropriate time to invite a new boyfriend or girlfriend to your family’s house or as your date to the office holiday party? I’d like to hear from people who have started new relationship during or just before the holidays. How did you manage these questions? How did it go? Did you freak the other person out by inviting them to your parents too soon? Or insult them by not bringing the home, to the office party, etc.? What did you learn from the experience? Please get in touch if you have any thoughts.

The questions arise when you’re passing the potatoes or putting out the nut cups. Are you seeing anyone special? Playing the field? When are you going to settle down?

Singles are often grilled about their personal lives in a way their married relations rarely are. When was the last time your sister and brother-in-law were asked to defend their “married lifestyle” to a table of twelve?
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Dear Sara: One thing I really miss about being in a relationship is the immediate and intense community it has always brought me. When I’m part of a couple, I am constantly invited to dine with other couples, double date, hang out and get to know my partner’s friends. When I’m single, I get about 50% fewer invites. 

There seem to be so many couples-only dinners, events and nights out, and I really don’t have any single girlfriends left. Even if they’re not married, they’re engaged or in a serious thing. And while they can certainly sneak away from time to time for a girl’s night, I’m left out of a substantial majority of activities simply because of my singleness. (more…)

I’m writing a short article for Cosmo for Latinas about how to make friends. And I’m seeking young woman who can tell me how they successfully befriended women they met in the following places: 1) Work, especially someone who works in your building but in a different department 2) Salsa class 3) Community service project 4) Cafe: You’re both there with your laptops. How did you make the first move? 5) Hair or nail salon 6) Online: You have mutual friends on FB, you always comment on each other’s Instagram pics or Twitter shout-outs. How did you connect in real life? 7) Gym or yoga class.

You can contact me though my contact page or write to saraeckel@gmail.com. Please pass along to anyone you think might be interested!