“I am 30 years old, and I’ve spent every holiday as a single person. Being single is difficult anytime, but it feels worse during the holidays. All of my friends are married with children, so it’s difficult to socialize with them in general, because people usually spend more time with their partners and children. It gets worse during the holidays, because holidays are about family. I also don’t have a family, so I’m alone. I always get invited to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my friends and their families. I did that once, and I didn’t want to do it again, because you see people with their families and then go home alone. It’s almost like it enhances the fact that I’m single. Once New Year’s is over, I feel much better and look forward to having a productive year.” — Tiffany
Dear Tiffany,
If American culture tends to make single people feel bad, Christmas is America on steroids. Yes, many people work hard to remind us of the “reason for the season.” We get holiday cards that proclaim the importance of peace on earth and goodwill toward men. We’re encouraged to give to the needy. And if we flip on the TV at the right time, we might get to see Charlie Brown and the Grinch discover what Christmas is all about.
But if the birth of a child, and the subsequent message to be peaceful and kind, was truly what the holidays were about, then they wouldn’t make so many people feel terrible.
The images blasting into our homes every December aren’t of people mopping floors at homeless shelters or visiting nursing homes. We don’t see people deciding to skip the shopping, make a quick online payment to a charity and then curl up with hot cocoa and a library book. Instead, we see high-gloss, 21st-century iterations of Norman Rockwell-style sentimentality: Friends and family members coming in from the cold carrying towering boxes of gifts. Wide-eyed toddlers in footed pajamas. Handsome husbands giving beaming wives diamond pendants. Couples having snowball fights.
Advertisers aren’t the only ones peddling gauzy images of holiday happiness—social media now enables us to market our lifestyles to each other.
It all adds up to a single message: Everyone is having a wonderful time, except you. Intellectually we understand this isn’t true—we know the goal of holiday advertising is not to promote peace on earth. But these images don’t hit us in the logical part of our brain; they strike a much deeper place than that.
So here’s my suggestion: If your life does not resemble a department store ad this year, own it. Ditch those pre-packaged ideas of how you’re supposed to feel. I don’t mean blab to all your friends about how much you loooove spending the holidays alone. I’m suggesting you make a conscious choice to drop out of the holiday happiness arms race. Watch movies. Get caught up on stuff. If you feel sad and lonely, that’s okay. As you note in your letter, it will pass.
You could even take it a step further by turning this dilemma into an interesting philosophical question. Ask yourself: “How can I connect with the true spirit of the holidays?” You know, the part that Linus tells Charlie Brown about. That could mean spending the day in some sort of service project – serving Christmas dinner to the homeless, joining the Audubon Society’s annual Christmas Bird Count—but it doesn’t have to. It could also mean spending this time reflecting on how you would like to promote peace on earth and goodwill towards all. These are more than just greeting card concepts; they’re important. Click on the news any day, and that much is clear.
The world is in a tough place right now, and many people are suffering. You may be suffering too, and while what you are dealing with is difficult, I think there’s also an opportunity there. You have a chance to experience the holidays stripped of the consumption and the glitz. It might not be fun, but it could be interesting. Yours, Sara
How do you experience the holidays as a single person? Please let me know.
Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.
I can understand Tiffany’s point.
Vacations are meant for relaxing and enjoying moments with the love ones.
I personally haven’t been lucky so far. I have a conflicting relationship with my family and being single (in my early 30ies) you are supposed to go back visiting (no reasonable excuse applies). Though I know that something unpleasant might happen (and it usually does) therefore there is that sort of anxiety of holiday season: exactly the opposite of how it is supposed to be.
Friends are always busy and not really there to listen to you. And, if you don’t feel to belong there, it is really not exciting going in and out crowded houses alone.
How do I deal with that? I try to make use of that time to do what I can’t normally due during the year. I plan to use the oncoming vacations keeping up with things I’m doing (German is so tough!) and to think to my objectives in the coming years.
I know: it is nothing exciting. But the goal is to keep myself busy till I’m back to business. Isn’t this the whole point? Too much free time to think over how you are light years from the happy-family-paradigm is not really ideal, is it?
So, plan something you like / you wish to do and try to enjoy it the most.
Thank you, very good advice. And sorry I didn’t write back sooner! Happy New Year!
I participate in parties where coupling is not the focus, like gatherings during work hours etc. I also use my time off to catch up with friends, sleep, fitness, books, and I plan and set goals for the upcoming year. I smile everyday and refuse to let others (or myself) feel sorry for me.
Hey Jan, so smart! Thanks for writing and sorry I didn’t get back sooner. Happy New Year!
OMGosh! This article is exactly spot on how I feel today. Last year wasn’t so bad because I was pursuing someone the start of the “joy” back in my heart and the real reason for the season. I actually didn’t take my tree down to 1 week after New Year’s Day. This year I am so over it and can’t wait for January 2nd to come. I went on a cruise for Halloween with my best friend and it was not fun. I miss the romance in a relationship, I miss companionship, I miss just have a walk on the beach holding hands. I totally hate Christmas parties at work and can’t wait for this holiday season to go away.
Kim, thanks so for writing and sorry I didn’t reply sooner! Hope you have a Happy New Year, but either way. But if not, we’re nearly done!
Message Body:
This message is to everyone out there who is single and experiencing the “Holiday Blues”. As an immigrant, I have spent 14 out of the past 16 years without my family. For the past 12 years, I happened to be in a steady relationship during the Holidays. Those Holidays were filled with the sentiment of the season and with the love of whoever I was dating at any given year. It did a great deal to “fill the void” to the point I never experienced “The Holiday Blues”. Last year, I found myself single and it took me double the effort to dismiss the images the media bombards us with: couples lovingly exchanging gifts, guys proposing to their girlfriends, dads playing “Santa” , children unwrapping gifts while moms take their pictures. Those images are downright painful to the point where I just wished to push a magical fast forward button and skip it all just to feel less inadequate or less “abnormal”.
While there is no such button, this year I discovered there are several thoughts which help me move through this period with a positive attitude . I know I am purposefully choosing to be single rather than in one of those relationships where my partner might not be around for the upcoming Valentine’s, let alone for the following Christmas.
I am embracing the solitude during this season as an alternative to melancholy and self-pity, reflecting on all the positive things that have happened this year, my accomplishments however big or small. I am acknowledging some landmarks in my life, the best moments, the best movies, the great choices I have made in severing certain romantic relationships. I am reminding myself of the fact that by being single, I am giving myself the chance to eventually find the right companion. I am mature enough to know Holidays are very temporary and that I can create my own rituals by myself and for myself during this season. I am choosing to celebrate the beauty of my single life and the benefits associated with it. I am genuinely happy to stay away from crowded malls, from all the shopping frenzy, the jammed roads, the excessive credit card bills and the excessive alcohol and food consumption this season brings. I am secretly happy to not spend my every ounce of energy worrying about what perfect gifts to give and what perfect Christmas/New Year’s parties to throw. Last, but not least I am happy with the actual gift I gave myself as well as the feeling that I took control of my emotions in order to look at the glass half full instead of half empty.
Love this! Thanks for sharing.
I love this advice.
I had a really tough time with the holidays this year and just decided that I was going to pour all my available energy into my book project. I still went to a couple parties, but mostly I opted out.
It didn’t make the holidays fun. It didn’t make me less lonely. It didn’t make everyone’s lovey-dovey FB posts hurt less. But I was productive and I got through it and I’m so glad I “opted out” a little bit.
I actually did a blog post on the topic myself. Because my own best holidays have been mostly spent doing something for myself. One year I spent Thanksgiving in a spa (it’s hard to be too sad when you’re reading a novel in a hot tub). Another year, I cooked myself a rather elaborate dinner (I love cooking). And now I’m going to look back on this year and pat myself on the back for hitting the milestone of 1/3 of the way finished with my current book project.
Such great ideas! Thanks Gigi!
Thanks for this question and answer. In a similar vein: While struggling with feelings of loneliness this Christmas, I found some comfort in recognizing that by not being busy with a spouse and kids, I was able to have the time and space to notice others who were also unattached. It turns out that a LOT of people are alone at Christmas, whether due to death, divorce, distance, estrangement, infertility, or any number of causes. Everyone likes to say how “we are all busy,” etc., but it’s not really true; the people who say that are just too busy to notice those whom their statement excludes. So, one thing that helped me get through this holiday season was to try to see who else was left out of the American-dream holiday bustle and to reach out to them. This took the focus off of myself and helped me to fight against self-pity. It also helped me to see concretely what I know in my head to be true but struggle to feel: that the American-dream style Christmas ideal is largely a myth and in any case tends to miss the point of Christmas. I hope I can do a better job of noticing and reaching out to others next year–and I also hope that, if some day I find myself among the busy people shopping for their spouses and kids, I will still remember to notice the ones who are alone and all too unbusy at the holidays.
Julie, how great that you noticed this and reached out to others who were on their own for the holidays. Such great way to mark the season, and I’m sure they must have appreciated it. Cheers, Sara
Right. Because volunteering, getting caught up on work late night at the office and regressing to my teenage years spending Christmas Eve at Mom and Dad’s house is SO much more fun than having someone to kiss under the mistletoe, snuggle up and drink eggnog with, and exchange romantic gifts. Come on, we’re kidding ourselves! Why is out society so whacked out about singles wanting to be with someone? I’m sick of articles telling me to embrace it! Love my single life! Who needs a living connection with someone?! Sorry, not buying it. I’ve spent four Christmases alone (family and parties with friends DO NOT COUNT) tried every way to be happy during the holidays, and now I just accept the month of December as “something to get through.”