Dear Sara: One thing I really miss about being in a relationship is the immediate and intense community it has always brought me. When I’m part of a couple, I am constantly invited to dine with other couples, double date, hang out and get to know my partner’s friends. When I’m single, I get about 50% fewer invites.
There seem to be so many couples-only dinners, events and nights out, and I really don’t have any single girlfriends left. Even if they’re not married, they’re engaged or in a serious thing. And while they can certainly sneak away from time to time for a girl’s night, I’m left out of a substantial majority of activities simply because of my singleness.
It was fine in my twenties because some of my friends were single too. Now, I can’t think of one. I long for community and I feel like it’s missing from my life, like it’s been ebbing away quietly as more and more friends paired off.
The other side of the coin is that when I do get invited, I often end up feeling like the third (or fifth) wheel. There’s something soul-crushing about watching everyone in the room be very loved and then going home alone. Again.
Do you have any advice for building community solo? – G
Dear G: You have struck on one of the toughest parts of being single: maintaining a healthy social life, especially when you’re constantly losing people to romantic partners. So I’ll share the best piece of advice I ever received on the subject: entertain.
Instead of waiting for an invitation or feeling like the sole spinster in a group of cozy couples, make yourself the social center.
Many years ago, I was struggling with the same thing you are now. So I started hosting dinner parties, inviting about six or seven women to my apartment for lasagna or Chicken Marbella on the occasional Saturday night. This did a number of things. First, it pre-empted the “Saturday’s bad. What about Tuesday?” conversation. Can’t tear yourself away from your boyfriend on a weekend night? Then I guess you’ll miss the party.
Second, it gave me a low-pressure way to reach out to acquaintances—neighbors, women I met at parties, etc. During that time, I was taking a lot of classes and doing various volunteer projects. I’d meet some nice people, and sometimes we’d say ‘let’s have coffee sometime’ and then we wouldn’t. But when I invited them to a party, they very frequently showed. And if they didn’t, no stress—all I’d lost was the two seconds it took to add their name to an email list.
Third, it gave my friends, new and old, a chance to know each other, which is really the foundation of a community. Someone mentions that she’s always wanted to go white water rafting and another person says she knows a great place to do it; pretty soon you’ve got a group outing.
And that leads to my final point: Entertaining leads to reciprocity. Once I started throwing parties, both intimate dinners and the kind that require purchasing large quantities of salty snacks, I noticed that my inbox started filling with more invitations to not just parties but bowling nights, pub crawls, and weekend hikes.
Now, I’m aware that not everyone lives in the kind of home that is conducive to dinner parties or beer bashes. I’m aware of this because when I first got the advice to entertain I was living in a studio apartment that was slightly larger than a pool table. So before I could move to a more party-friendly apartment (and, yes, I made this a priority), I wasn’t able to entertain people at my home. So I did the next best thing: I organized. I’d find a bar that was lively but didn’t get too crowded and send an email. “Hey everyone, we’re all getting together at X Bar two weeks from Friday. Hope you can make it!”
If bars aren’t your thing, of course this can be done with anything—spa days, exercise classes, poetry readings. Many people get so busy during the week that by the time Friday rolls around they just hit speed dial on the takeout Thai place and start scanning Netflix. If you can find something cool for everyone to do, a lot of people will be glad to have you do their thinking for them.
Now, if your friends are committed to a boring couples-only lifestyle, there’s not much you can do about that. But that’s all the more incentive to find some fun people. That can be hard, but when you commit to being the inviter, rather than the invitee, an interesting shift starts to happen. You stop asking yourself “How can I be less lonely?” and start asking “How can I make others less lonely?” In my experience, addressing the second question is a lot less stressful and a lot more fun. Best, Sara
Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her onTwitter and Facebook
Just what I needed to read today! I’ve been struggling with this issue and have been asking ‘how can I make my life bigger?’. Thanks for the answer! :)
glad you liked it!
You’re absolutely right. I was single until I was 50, and I never gave a second thought to entertaining, whether it was with other single women, or inviting couples over. Moreover, the couples were always entertained by my dating tales.
Also, I was a runner, so the Sunday morning runs were great get togethers with breakfast afterwards. Swimming, which I do now, is less social.
Sara, you say “Entertaining leads to reciprocity.” That is not my experience. I am a 50 year long time single woman and apart from the fact that I don’t have a partner, something I regret, I struggle with the loneliness that goes along with being a long time single. Add to that in my life there is no contact with my family. My path is very lonely and has been for a long time. I am a kind, compassionate person but is there anyone out there who wants to know it?
My impression is that women who are coupled simply are not interested in being friends with a single woman, unless she can be useful in some way or another (I am very independent, like to travel and enjoy the good life, so they like to come to me for interesting addresses, etc… They just go there with others). I also have enough of being the friend they meet for lunch, when I actually would like to be invited once in a while for an evening activity, or god forbid a weekend activity.
I have understood that it is important for your own mental health to keep the balance between giving and taking. I have a demanding job which drains me mentally. I am not going to give even more of myself in order to entertain friends who will never reciprocate (did that before and nothing came back) or volunteer.
In order to give you have to be fulfilled yourself, otherwise you are draining yourself even more.
In my life, I have given a lot and received very little in return, in friendship as well as in love. Consequently I have become a lot more distanced and careful. There are people out there who have no problem using others.
Great advice! I discovered this approach in my 40s and use it everywhere: parties, trips, professional conferences. Soon acting like the hostess and introducing folks to each other became natural. One person compared me to a cruise social director! One of my favorite Valentine’s Days was a happy hour party I organized at my home. I invited every single woman I knew from various parts of my life. We drank wine, compared dating horror stories and laughed our heads off. Finally, that’s how I met my husband at 44: I’d organized a July 4th hike and invited two friends (1 male, 1 female) I thought would hit if off. My female friend invited my husband-to-be, and we each ended up marrying the man the other friend had invited.
Elaine, your story is not exactly uplifting for me, rather depressing because these things always seem to happen to others and not to me.
The fact is that not all of us have the character that makes us comparable to a cruise social director. I myself am way too introverted to be around people all the time. I am not asocial, absolutely not, I am actually very empathic but that very empathy makes me crave contacts which are not superficial and I feel more at ease in a one on one contact than in a big group.
For me hell is your typical cocktail party where people chat 2 minutes with you and while they are chatting are already checking the room for the next person they will chat to. I find this very frustrating because whenever I want to tell something, I find that people don’t listen or interrupt me. In such a setting I feel extremely lonely whereas I rarely feel lonely when I am on my own.
Too Smart. I am a 32 year old single female who was recently engaged set to be married. I know where you are at as I am an introvert too. But instead of hiding in my shell I got involved in community sports and I like to go for walks. Having a dog really helps to meet people. And even if you don’t end up with a husband a great conversation with a stranger is still an opportunity for connection. You have to put yourself out there. If you end up alone it is your own doing. I may not have a partner anymore, but it doesn’t mean I am alone or without hope I will find someone. :)
LovelyGirl, I don’t have to do anything, whether it is putting myself out there or get a dog or whatever. I am good and lovable as I am. Being married at 32 you have in any case no right of speaking. Being single in your late twenties or early thirties is not comparable with being single at 50, after having been single for long stretches. It means that you are excluded by a lot of people because they don’t want to mix with single women. Don’t forget that the social life of couples is very often organised by the women in couples. They invite the single friends of their husbands (because otherwise the poor guys would sit alone at home) but not their single girlfriends because they think that they will snatch their husbands away.
Have you actually read Sara’s book? If yes, you have not understood anything about it. Your statement that “ending up alone is your own doing” goes totally against the compassion that Sara displays in her book and articles. I always find it mindblowing that judgemental people without empathy (and that’s how you come across) find their way to the websites of compassionate people like Sara. And also that harsh women like you actually find a husband. I think men like nasty women, I really do.
And you know what: if you would have really read my messages you would have understood that I have put myself out there many times. But right now I cannot do it anymore as I am drained from a demanding job (and I have no choice but to work because I need to survive) and too much giving to people who did not reciprocate. And I have also too often opened up to people like you who made judgemental comments like yourself.
After having been single for a long time I have developed a very good relationship with myself, I am my own best friend and I protect myself. Let noone tell me that by giving you will receive. It is not true. I am not cynical or negative, I am realistic, speaking from years of experience with so-called “friends”.
LovelyGirl, it looks like I overlooked the fact that you were engaged but not anymore. I am sorry to hear that. You say that you have hope and that’s perfectly normal at 32. When I was that age I was also convinced that at some point I would meet my significant other. 18 years and some bitter disappointments later, it is a lot harder to still have hope. In French they say “L’enfer c’est les autres” = hell is the other people and unfortunately that is my experience. I grew up with an abusive mother and when I was young, I clinged to the first person who was a bit friendly to me, only to be abused again. Now I am very careful. I have worked extremely hard to build a comfortable life and a mental balance and I don’t want other people to destroy that. I am an accomplished woman and that automatically triggers jealousy and people who want to take advantage of you.
I just have to jump in here. I am 53, and it definitely is a whole different ballgame over 40. I agree that a positive attitude is more appealing than a negative one. I just feel that I am realistic, and live my life without the expectation that I am going to find a man I am compatible with, and also attracted to. I don’t want a much-older man, and the few men in my general age group who are eligible want women 10-20 years younger. There are exceptions, of course, but it doesn’t happen enough. While I will never close the door, I realized that I am happier and less stressed when I am not looking.
Additionally, some of the others pointed out that many of us are introverts. I also work a job in health care that is very people-intensive, so have limited energy and enthusiasm for socializing. Add to this, in my experience, female friends inevitably turn toxic over time. Jealousy seems to play a prominent role.
The funny thing is, I have excellent social skills and am well-liked in the workplace and in general. But the fact is that it becomes tougher to have a fulfilling social life if you are an older, single woman. I thought Elaine’s story was great, but things like that do not happen for all of us, despite our efforts. I have done everything from wine tastings to starting my own dinner club, and none of these things ever netted me an interesting man. I think luck and synchronicity are factors.
As Sara imparts in her book, in most cases, it is not anything about us or anything we are doing wrong. Just look around you at the couples you see, most are very flawed individuals with their own share of baggage. Many met their SO at work, through friends, often through no effort on their part at all. If love were a meritocracy, there would be very few people who find a mate.
Margaret, thank you for this balanced and realistic post. I recognise myself very much in what you write, especially concerning the difficulties of female friendships. I have had my heart broken in relationships with men but even more because of sudden nasty break-ups with girlfriends. Most of the time out of the blue and very underhanded. I recently had to end a friendship of 9 years with a girl and it really hurts. Most of all because there was no direct confrontation. She all of a sudden took the habit of making appointments with me only to cancel them one hour beforehand because of a headache. The last time I saw her she only wanted to meet for a very short time and gave me a present of which she knew very well that I would not like it. Ultimately I got angry with her over this behaviour, confronted her and then I was the bad guy because I had the nerve to tell her that I had the feeling that she was just making these headaches up. Such a passive aggressive way of acting which has deeply hurt me. Makes you feel like you really wasted your time with this person.
So to those who think that I should put myself out there, after such experiences I become a lot less enthusiastic. Yes I would love to have more friends and be better surrounded. But they have to be good friends who are open and honest with me.
People are mirrors. When I am hospitable and generous… and content and confident and kind, I get that back. When I am fearful and bitter and frustrated, I repel people… or attract the ones who radiate the same and we all feel shitty together. Only once in a while does this translate to a date on either side, but the point is also that everything we do doesn’t have to be with the aim of Meeting Someone. Too much pressure. I love to have people over because we all need community and comfort, and often if I don’t host it, it’s not going to happen. Also, my single friends range from their 20s to 50s; we all need each other for the varied perspectives on being a woman at different life stages.
This is again a judgemental post. How others react has to do with them, not with ourselves. I am a positive active person and yet I often get nasty reactions. Don’t underestimate the power of jealousy…
This sounds way too much like the “law of attraction” nonsense. We have little control over our fate. For example: there are quite a few war criminals from WW II who lived until their nineties in very good health. I am talking people here who tortured human beings in the concentration camps. Now if there were ever people who would deserve to get some horrible cancer or lose a child in an accident, it would be them, wouldn’t it? Guess what, a lot of them had a happy life after doing a lot of damage in the life of others, not even bothered by guilt.
At the same time there are wonderful kind people who struggle with illness, who lose a child or get abused by their partner.
All those “law of attraction” adepts are actually pretending that they have deserved their good fate but you know what, you have not. You were lucky. So be humble about it, be grateful about it but stop being patronising to others who have been less lucky than yourself.
Actually, no. I’ve published articles arguing against the Law of Attraction. Huge fan of Oliver Burkeman’s book, which Sara also recommends in her book.
I agree with a lot of what you say but you’re fighting so hard against every other comment that it’s undermining your points. As Shakespeare said, “Methinks the lady doth protest too much.” It’s pretty clear that nothing anyone posts will shift your thinking or feeling here, so I’ll just wish you much love, happiness, contentment, and friendship.
Well my thinking and feeling will change the moment I find some true friendship and love… It’s been very meagre over the last 5 years. I have had to end contact with a number of people because they gave me no choice. Treated me with disrespect and would not accept that I called them out on their behaviour. And no, I did not deserve their bad behaviour. I think they simply took me for granted. So what else can you do in that case than to ban them from your life? Otherwise they would just continue with their selfish behaviour. What a luxury to feel that you can afford to treat others badly! It’s something I don’t do, I am very careful with the feelings of others.
My main objection against most of the comments here is that they are judgemental and offer advice. As if I don’t know what works best for me. I don’t need advice because because what works for others does not necessarily work for me. And people who give advice forget to give something that is a lot more important: genuine empathy.
The fact that coupled women often say this to single women, is certainly one of the reasons why friendship between coupled and single women is difficult: http://www.gurl.com/2013/03/26/things-you-should-never-say-to-single-people/
I have to emphasize what I say often: “There is no secret sauce.” None of us know why things happen the way they do. There is no rhyme or reason. The Nazi example is excellent. I know many hateful people as well as people who are generally effed up who have loving spouses, prosperity, and family. Who knows?
Again, while a positive attitude and being proactive socially are good things, they are not in themselves guarantees. I am at the point where I do what gives me pleasure (never at anyone else’s expense, of course). I will not do what others think I should do. I am friendly and treat people with compassion, but will likely never be the cruise director type.
I think people are well-intentioned when they give advice, but unfortunately, what worked for some will not work for everyone. The worst case is when women who never had to go online or look for a partner, who lucked into everything, start giving me all of this advice about online dating, Meetup (another thing I have done without success) wine tastings, volunteering, yada yada.
Funny, I have done most of these things people advise but only seem to meet other women or married couples.