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Hi Imogen,
I meant to reply to this weeks ago. I am totally there with you! I’m also on another set of friends who are 10 years younger than me that are now all getting married. It really changes the dynamic of things.
I’m not really sure how to make things better. I get angry too, not so much with my friends but with the fact that our society is so couples-focused. Society seems to treat friendships as a way to fill the void until a partner comes along. Why aren’t there more books on the value of friendships and how to maintain them even when you’re in a relationship?
Sigh.
Feelings are so frustrating sometimes, right?! I was reading these posts, trying to remember what I’ve done in the past to get over crushes or my last (and only) relationship. I think sometimes feelings have to just run their course. The one thing that sticks out in my mind as being helpful was staying busy. I found that if I distracted myself with fun activities I ended up ruminating less.
I also found encouragement in a book called, “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken.” It’s super old. From the 90s, I think? (Pretty sure it references pagers and answering machines.) It’s a silly book, but I found that it had some helpful tips when I found myself pining away for a past relationship.
Imogen, thank you for sharing. I wish I had some words of inspiration, but all I can right now is I feel you! I am right there with you.
I’m 37 and my last (and only) relationship ended about 6 years ago. Since then I’ve had a whole lotta nothin’ going on, relationship-wise. I also think I’m pretty fantastic, have a full life, and do all the usual things to put myself out there.
A lot of the time I’m actually fairly content with my singleness, but every once in a while (like right now), it hits me hard that I’m STILL single. It can be really frustrating.
I don’t have any good answers for your questions, but for me, I find hope in the fact that others can relate to me. So I want you to know you’re not alone.
I’m curious about the unavailable person you have feelings for. Are they emotionally unavailable? Dating someone else? Feel free to share as much or as little as you like. I can relate to this too! I often find myself attracted to people who are either emotionally unavailable or simply want to be my friend.
Sigh. We’ll get through this!
Hi LoneStar,
I just now saw your response. Thank you for the kind words! It’s a good reminder that not all therapists are good ones. I dumped the crummy therapist and got a new one, and so far so good. I swear finding a decent therapist is a lot like dating. Trial and error and trusting your gut.
Hugs back at ya!
Hi Angel88,
Thanks for the reply!
I should mention that it’s early on with this therapist, so it may just not be the right fit. So far I’ve really liked her, but I’ve been dreading bringing up the topic of dating because this has happened before in therapy–everything is going fine and then they discover how long I’ve been single and suddenly the therapist is on a mission to figure me out. The more I say I’m okay with being single, the less they believe me. I can’t tell you how many times a therapist has straight up suggested I flirt more or given me some other trite piece of advice.
I’m like you in that I’ve learned to not bring up the topic with people unless I trust them. I think it just bums me out that there are very few people I can discuss it with. I can’t even find a therapist who gets it. So annoying!
Also I really liked your comment about refusing to entertain damaging messages, no matter how well the intention. Very well said. I think I need to figure out a way to not get so upset about the fact that my married friends (and therapists and society at large) simply do not get it.
Hi, AgarrateCatalina! I just wanted to say I can relate on some levels. I do take comfort in knowing that I’m not the only one who feels perpetually single, BUT when I hear about someone with “real” problems (chronic illness, death of a loved one, that sort of thing), it makes me feel stupid for wanting a boyfriend. Like, who cares?! Compared to other problems, it just seems silly. However, when I’m feeling that way, I try to show myself a little kindness. I try to remember that even though there are people with bigger problems, there is also room for my feelings. It’s okay to feel lonely and want a partner.
The capitalistic nature of dating–what an interesting topic! I hadn’t really thought about it. Although I do think about the logistics of dating and how it really does seem tougher the older I get (I’m 36. My last and only relationship ended 5 years ago). There’s a part of me that feels like, ‘Hey, I’ll meet him when I meet him. I’m not in a rush!” But there’s another part of me that’s like, “Shit. Is it going to be even harder to meet someone after I turn 40?” There is a little bit of a ticking clock and I hate that.
Hi, all! I’ve followed this community off and on but have yet to post anything. Seems like a great group of smart ladies!
Angel88, I wanted to say I really liked your last post about victim-blame thinking. I had never thought of this situation in that way before, but I think there’s a lot of truth to that!
