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Mamey2422: I agree that most people believe being “taken” is when you decide on exclusivity and invest in each other. I’ve had many experiences in the past where the lines of exclusivity seemed “blurred,” like I was more invested than the person I was seeing. Also, I’ve been in a relationship in the past where I believed we were very committed and was then blind-sided with a break-up. So my past experiences with personal relationships (family as well as romantic relationships) makes me feel very cautious about “abandonment” and things like that. This is something I’m working on though.
Angel88: I agree that a lot of being “taken” depends on the amount of investment in the relationship. Sometimes this takes time and maybe over time people begin to invest more and more and being “taken” happens organically.
Let us know how it went! I think you’ve been very mindful of the situation (not writing him off immediately, letting him show you his interest, but also telling him what you want), and I think you’re doing great! Time and his future actions will tell. The nice dinner and light hike sound wonderful, so I hope you had a great time!
Welcome! I liked your example text message. To be honest, I used to give “serial texters” a lot of my time. I’d patiently wait on them so I wouldn’t seem too eager. I wanted to give them “space.” I wanted them to see that I was independent and living my own life outside of dating.
I wish I had a lot of that time back now. I also liked what mariposa stated about thinking of an activity, asking if a certain day works for him, and if he’s still wishy-washy- then your follow-up text will be gold.Beachbum, Mariposa, and Angel88- I’m found myself reading your all of your comments and nodding along!
Beachbum: You asked if I had taken a break from online dating. Well, the very last guy I met online I am actually still going on dates with. But, as I learned from my past, unless a commitment is made and put on the table, I know dating is still dating. I’ve had quite a few past experiences like Angel88 described, where someone comes into your life, seems promising, and then they vanish. So I’m trying to keep my expectations in check. I also signed a year lease on an apartment by myself two months ago and fully furnished it, so I’m still very much living a single life. The person I’m dating and I aren’t talking about moving in together, so we’re definitely still just in “dating” mode.
Mariposa: You mentioned pressure surrounding certain age milestones and I agree with this. I’ll be 30 soon and many people have told me, “That’s so young. You’re fine. You’ll find someone in no time.” But think about timing. You date someone for X amount of time. Then you live with them to see if you’re compatible for X amount of time. Then you may get engaged and plan a wedding, which is another X amount of time. Then after the wedding you have X amount of time before planning a family if that’s what the couple wants (via pregnancy, adoption, etc…)… So yes, I may be about 30-years-old, but until I actually have made a commitment with someone, I feel there are still years of planning laid-out before me. I’m the only single person in my friend group right now (single in the sense of not living with someone, engaged, etc…). But there is a part of me that fears those age milestones.
What’s difficult is thinking back to when I started college at 18-years-old. I felt like I had my life planned out. I would date during college, graduate, get a post-college job, get engaged to someone, get married, buy a house, and start a family by the time I was 30. So far I can check “graduate” and “get post-college job” off that list- nothing else. This bothers me almost every day and sometimes I feel like I failed…
But here’s the reality. I didn’t fail. None of us have failed. How can you fail at something where there literally isn’t a guarantee or even a “measurement” of success? Dating is not like studying for a test, memorizing the facts that will be on the test, and then receiving a 100% and passing. You can put all of your effort into dating and there is no magic formula that you will end up with your desired result. And sometimes I think we have to be gentle with ourselves and know in our hearts that’s okay. We didn’t do anything wrong. If anything, we’ve went above and beyond and what we thought we were capable of, persisted, and still maintained lives outside of it all. To be honest, I think that’s pretty amazing.
Thank you all for the comments and sharing your experiences!
I just listened to the song and it’s great. I liked the line, “The truth is I’m a toy that people enjoy until all of the tricks don’t work anymore and then they’re bored of me.”
I’ve felt like this in many of my non-reciprocal relationships. Their excitement feels like they view the beginning stages of dating as a novelty. A new person, the rush of a first kiss, new conversations… and then bam. The novelty wears off and they’re done and it’s onto something new.
This is great! What resonated with me most was “You didn’t do anything wrong. You can’t make someone like you.” This is essentially what Sara is saying throughout her book, but it feels like it has the most truth behind it. When I was online dating I went on at least one first date with 28 different men (I ended up keeping track because I was a little confused when dates 7 or 8 rolled around and I hadn’t found “my person” yet lol). Also these were just dates- they didn’t account for the multitude of other men I had messaged with for days or weeks, but never ended up meeting.
So after a year of online dating I was genuinely perplexed that nothing was working out despite my best efforts. I read all of the big dating books. My hair and nails were always “date ready.” There’s almost no way I could’ve scared someone off through texts because I was afraid of coming off too eager and I would re-read my messages several times before sending them.
I tried to figure out what I was doing wrong and I truly believe I found the answer: nothing. There was nothing wrong, I just didn’t have feelings for the person I went on the date with OR they just didn’t have feelings for me. Nothing more, nothing less.
So, I thought this was a great blog post and it re-affirmed things I believe to be true.
Mariposa and Beachbum, thank you for the responses. I agree that reframing the story and focusing on the positive may be the best thing to do in my situation. I decided to stay in the wedding party and try to have a go with the flow attitude.
So I live in a fairly populated city and went out last night and saw three different bachelorette parties. I also saw an engagement announcement today on social media. Wedding season is gearing up and I’ll be a guest at three weddings this summer.
I’m trying to look on the bright side. Keyword: trying. I know I sound like a broken record, it’s just something I want so badly for myself. I want a companion. I want someone to tell me they want to spend the rest of their life with me and mean it. I want to be able to look down on my hand and see a piece of jewelry that I know someone picked out special for me with the intention of making a beautiful and loving commitment (I don’t even care if it’s a diamond, I just like the symbolism of a ring. It doesn’t have to be expensive or showy.)
With today also being Mother’s Day I was thinking about my current situation of not being married or having plans to start a family of my own. It’s a difficult feeling for me. Just needed to vent…
Beachbum: The column you posted and the personal experience you shared completely hit home for me! This is EXACTLY how I’ve been feeling for awhile now, I just haven’t been able to articulate what’s causing it.
To be honest, I feel conflicted about having accepted my friend’s invitation to be a bridesmaid because I think she’ll “drop me like a hot potato” once the wedding is over. This year I moved into my first apartment alone. I’m almost 29 and had lived with family, roommates, and one significant other before that. Getting my own place for the first time was a big marker of my independence and a step in my personal journey. I moved to a new neighborhood, bought new furnishings, and celebrated this milestone.
The friend who asked me to be in the wedding lives across the street from me and she did not offer to help with the move and she did not initiate coming over to see my apartment. A full month after I moved in and had been asking her to literally walk across the street to see my place, she finally squeezed in one evening where she came over for three hours.
I feel like I’m the friend who is always available. I’m always the reliable, “just a phone call away” friend. I feel like I’m just a prop in her wedding because we’ve known each other for 10 years. She said once the wedding is over they’ll be moving out of state to Chicago and they want to have kids within a couple years of getting married. Based on our friendship pattern now (without her being married, living nearby, and having no kids), I don’t believe she’ll stay in close contact with me.
So why am I doing this? Being a bridesmaid in a wedding is kind of an investment. You’re investing a lot of time, money, energy, and resources into your friendship. If the effort is not being reciprocated, then what’s the point?
But then the answer section to the column brings up some interesting points, like this quote: “You’ve decided that people can either be amazing friends or they can get cut out. You are very attached to the idea of an unfair, insensitive, ungrateful mob of friends that you’ve given too much to. This story didn’t spring up out of thin air.”
So reading that I wonder if maybe I should give my friend a break and just accept this is life?
Angel88- That’s true, he may have been wanting an out. I think he also was the type who wanted validation and hearing things like “Oh no! I didn’t mean to come off like I wasn’t interested! Of course I am!”
I liked that you said, “We should just be who we are and say what we honestly think and let chips fall where they may.” With someone who is a compatible match, all of the little things won’t really matter.
In the past I also felt excited about guys who were ambivalent toward me. I have no idea why. My guess is that it feels extra good when you do get their validation (which they seem to hand out like bread crumbs, stringing you along). I’m so over that though. I want someone who is head over heels about me and isn’t afraid to show it.Angel88- You said, “Sometimes I think that me being super excited about someone is a bad sign.” I’m the EXACT same way now! I literally remind myself to not seem “too interested.”
There was a guy I went on four dates with and around date two he said, “Is it just me or does it seem like you don’t really want to text me?” I was very interested in this person, but was afraid I’d come on too strong if I texted him too much. Well, I started texting him more frequently and showing my interest, but it didn’t matter anyways because after our last date I never heard from him again after our exchange of “I had a great time tonight!” texts and he soon after deleted me as a friend off social media.Sooo… I feel like I can’t win either way?
I’ve been thinking more about the children thing lately. There was a post above that mentioned having children for “selfish” reasons and this really resonated with me.
I place no judgement on single women who choose to have children alone. For me though, I’m not completely sure if I want kids. It seems like I just want the opportunity. The choice to do so with a partner. To grow older and not be alone. I’ve been feeling lately like my want for having a child would be borderline selfish (for me). I don’t know, maybe that’ll change. I’m not sure what the future holds.
Thank you all for the replies! It looks like this may be more common than we think.
Toryburchshopper197: Wow, we have a lot of similarities between us! I’m sorry to hear you went through that. A little over a year ago I was dating someone who I was completely enamored by. I felt like I had an amazing connection with him, he had so many characteristics that I would love in a person, and he would occasionally say things like, “I’ve never been to this city, WE should go together.” “My brother’s wedding video is almost finished, you should watch it with me.” His family has a different culture than mine, so that also fascinated me about him.
Well, one day while we were at dinner and things hadn’t been going well he told me “I feel like you might like me more than I like you.”I felt like I got the wind knocked out of me. My completely heart broke and I’ll still never understand how there was such a huge lapse in interest. I feel like I can tell relatively quickly if it’s not going to work out with someone. How can you date someone for almost a year and just come to the conclusion “Oh yeah, you may like me more than I like you.”
I’m sorry, but in many cases I feel there is a level of selfishness and stringing the other person along for personal gain (not feeling lonely, etc…).
I don’t know how to stop this cycle, or if there is really anything to even “stop.” Again, trying to rationalize this I think love is luck and sometimes two people are both willing to equally invest in each other and have a connection.
I completely agree that physical touch is a huge aspect of well being for many people (myself included). I remember being lonely and thinking one night stands would help, but it just made me feel empty and more lonely. It’s difficult to come up with a solution for this, but I really like that CameraObscuraFan mentioned massage. That may be a helpful, healthy way to gain more human-to-human physical contact.
I’ve never tried a meetup, BUT something came to mind that I thought I’d share. I also want to expand my social circle and make new meaningful friendships. I don’t know if you’re into these type of activities, but I noticed a lot of people I meet have developed friendships from weekly classes they go to. Typically, this is: yoga, spin classes at a local gym, indoor rock climbing, etc…
I think this is easy for some people because 1) You feel obligated to go if you paid for a membership (and vice versa) so you’ll see these people more frequently. 2) It’s a great opportunity to strike up conversations, but it’s also nice to go about the class independently on days when you’re not feeling the crowd. 3) I’m pretty awful at sticking to a workout plan, but I do think it does the mind and body good.
I know not everyone is into these types of activities, but it’s something interesting I’ve noticed outside of meetup groups :).
Lonestar and mariposa, I’m sorry to hear about the circumstances your friends, family, and colleagues have gone through.
With that said, I did have some thoughts of my own while reading your responses.
I think I can narrow down three fears:
1) I will experience “highlights” of my life alone. I’m unfortunately not extremely close to my immediate family and I have a handful of close friends because most moved away, got married, had kids, etc…
I’m afraid I’ll celebrate birthdays alone. I’ll finally get a promotion or that sought after job and celebrate it alone. Moving into a new place will be alone. I just imagine all of these things are so much sweeter when you have a companion who loves you and is a part of your life and celebrates these things with you.
2) I’ll physically be alone and not have someone on the event of an emergency or if I get sick and need to go to a doctor. I hope I’d be coherent enough to call an ambulance for myself :/.
3) I’m afraid that by the time I meet someone to marry I’ll look back at our pictures (I’m a big picture person for sentimental reasons) and I’ll be in my 60s or 70s and very wrinkled and it’ll be a reminder that my youth is gone and I don’t have much time life and I’ll have wished I found my husband decades earlier.
