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Happy Holidays, everyone! I’ve been reflecting on my personal achievements today. Sometimes I think “that’s so small, why would that matter?” No achievement is too big or too small. I’m also focusing on what I do have and am grateful for. For me personally that is health. I’m grateful for what I was able to experience today.
Lonestar: You brought up an excellent point! I never thought about the law of attraction flipped around like that. What about cultures where arranged marriage is common? I also know people who 1) Didn’t want to get married, but it was the cultural norm. 2) Got married young and basically settled into a pattern of marriage, buying a home, having kids… done. Like they were just checking things off of a to-do list and then years later they say it wasn’t necessarily what they wanted. I’m actually thinking of a woman I know who described growing up like this.
So yes, there are actually people out there who don’t want to get married, but do because of certain circumstances (or are literally forced to).Lurline93: I agree, I do not believe finding “the one” is in our control. All I can do is put myself out there in hopes that things will fall into place due to timing and circumstance.
Angelita, I love the idea of backpacking! And you’re right, a lot of people backpack solo. I actually took my first solo trip this past September (first plane ride alone, first time visiting a new city alone, etc…). It was actually one of the best feelings. You don’t realize how many people are doing stuff “alone” until you’re out meeting random people at new restaurants and just striking up conversations.
Also, the silver-lining to traveling alone is that doing everything on my own schedule was an absolute luxury. I went to bed when I wanted, woke-up when I wanted, and then chose wherever I wanted to go for the day. If I wanted to stop and do some shopping, I did. If I wanted to eat at a specific place, I did. I would definitely travel alone again in the future.Great responses, everyone! I completely second New Year’s Eve possibly being the worst to endure. It’s like the grand finale of a season of loneliness. What’s the tradition of ending the year and beginning a new one? Kissing someone. And I’ve been at many New Year’s Eve parties where I stood alone and just raised my glass at midnight. I wish I didn’t care so much… but I absolutely hate that “tradition.” Maybe have a shot of an alcoholic beverage ready (if that’s your thing) and cheers to yourself at midnight. Cheers to health, future wealth, and having incredible and strength. THIS isn’t easy, but we’re a group of TOUGH individuals who have endured.
Good thread, Mariposa!
While I have been seeing someone, it’s in the very early stages and casual. Casual as in we’re spending Thanksgiving apart from each other and my family hasn’t met him. My extended family doesn’t know I’m dating anyone.
If you’ve been in the dating world for a period of time, we’re all familiar with the feeling of “I don’t know if this is going to work out yet…” “I just need time to wait and see…” I’ve dated some men that I thought were fantastic, but was blindsided with the “I think we’re looking for different things” talk.
So with that said, I will be spending this Thanksgiving without a partner next to me. Maybe next year? ;)
So how will I “survive” it? First, I strongly dislike discussing my dating life with extended family. It has happened way too many times where I jumped the gun and said, “I’m dating this amazing guy,” only for him to dump me and then at the next family event I have to explain that I’m not with that person anymore and re-live the heartache again.
So if I’m asked “Are you seeing anyone right now?” I’m just going to say, “I’ve been getting to know someone and it’s still very new… anyways, how have you been?! Did you ever re-finish your basement?!”
I don’t want to dive into my personal life this year. I’ll talk about work, cool events I’ve been to, or a recent vacation I took with friends instead.
I’d by lying if I didn’t admit that money was a factor in finding a partner. Don’t get me wrong, finding the right person is worth their weight in gold, but from a financial standpoint coupling up helps a lot. You don’t have to foot the home payment, internet, grocery bill, etc… all by yourself.
Sometimes I think if I were single and a multi-millionaire, the “need” for a partner would be reduced. I’d move to an area that appeals to me, I’d buy and decorate a home to my liking, I’d take trips around the world and discover amazing things by myself. I’d give back to communities. I could literally pursue some of my long-held dreams.
Can you do these things anyway while you’re single? Yes, but to a point within your financial limitations.
Thank you all for the great replies! Mariposa, your question of “What do you guys think about karma?” is a great one and something I’ve struggled with for awhile now.
I feel like the Law of Attraction and karma go hand-in-hand. Just a little bit of background on why I struggle with karma when it comes to relationships: I was in a relationship several years ago which ended in a broken engagement that my partner blind-sided me with. I felt that because I’d been a faithful partner, made our relationship my top priority, and valued honesty- I’d be “rewarded” with a great marriage. I was putting out as much positivity as I could… so according to karma, wouldn’t I end up happy with the person I loved? Apparently not. He left me absolutely heartbroken.
Same thing with dating. I always try to put my best, most authentic and honest self out there… and then I’d get ghosted, seemingly conned into a purely “physical” relationships (which I’d have to end because that wasn’t what I was looking for), or lied to.
Aside from karma being nothing more than simple “cause and effect,” I don’t believe it has bearing on other factors in life. I don’t think I was ghosted because I did something bad and karma was coming back to get me. I think I was ghosted because I chose to date a particular person (cause) who was comfortable ending the relationship by ghosting (effect).
I’ll admit that in my time of being single I’ve had moments where anger and sadness gripped me in a pretty bad way and I did some things I’m not proud of (like not being honest with someone new that I was dating because I didn’t know if it would work out with them anyway). I’m ashamed of this and I do still have a superstitious part of me that thinks because of this dishonesty, I’m destined to attract bad things into my life.
My lesson and take-away: it’s still worth it to live in accordance to values that will support your emotional well-being as well as the people around you. Will it attract good things into your life? Most likely, but only in the sense of cause and effect.
Thank you all so much for your helpful responses! People who find love later in their lives ARE an inspiration because it shows that sometimes the cards do fall in our favor. You never know what the next day, week, month, etc… will bring.
Oh how I can relate. I’m also 27 and I live in an area of the Midwest where it seems to be common to marry and have kids by the age of 25. The vast majority of my social circle are in committed relationships, engaged, or married.
This past April my best friend (who has been with her current boyfriend for 5 years) had a birthday party where we took a party bus to a neighboring city for a night out. The guest list was 7 couples… and single me. She said I could bring a date… but I didn’t even have anyone to ask!
Was I bummed? Absolutely. Did I have several moments before the party where I meditated on the fact that I was alone? Yes. When we road back on the party bus after bar-close, I looked around and most of the couples were starting to fall asleep, head on each other, holding hands, etc…
It was a lonely moment I’ll never forget.
I’ve also noticed moments where I’ll distance myself from friends in new(ish) relationships. It’s hard. In my opinion it’s like having this insatiable urge to eat because you have no money and you’re starving. You would give so much to feel full, content, and happy. Then as your feeling incredibly hungry your best friend starts telling you about how they’re so satisfied from the 5 course meal they just had. It’s not that much different of a concept.
So how do I cope? I try to stay in the present moment as much as possible (thinking about future what-ifs of “will I ever have what my friend has?” won’t benefit me). I also try to acknowledge my friend’s happiness, but drive conversations toward mutual interests, fun conversation, etc.
I don’t want to lose my best friends because then I’ll just be boyfriendless AND friendless. :(
I’ve experienced this as well. For me, they seem to be during pronounced times, like holiday social gatherings or event get-togethers with non-single friends.
If I’m sitting around the Thanksgiving dinner table with my extended family, sometimes I have a difficult time relating to them. I don’t own a home, so I can’t contribute much to conversations about their latest gardening project or how Norwex cleaning products cleaned an entire wall of their kid’s magic marker, etc…
I also don’t know if they can relate to me. “I checked out a really awesome hotel lounge the other day… the bartender made the best mojito!” I think I’d get a pleasant nod and there just wouldn’t be much else to say.
But with that said, I believe it’s important to find common ground in some way shape or form. Maybe Aunt Mary has a knack for baking awesome apple pies. I’d try asking her about the recipe, how she discovered it, etc…
I don’t know if this is helpful, just some ideas that came to mind.
Beachbum: I couldn’t agree more!! You brought up a good point about having extended periods of your life with a partner and also without (and feeling the times with a partner were more fulfilling).
Over the entirety of my life, I’ve been single for a longer duration of time than I’ve been in serious relationships. In the respectively short periods of time when I was coupled up, I was generally happier.
From a evolutionary standpoint, we are arguably conditioned to want a partner (for all different kinds of reasons: it helped with safety, procreation, etc…). Some people may not want to procreate (and I think that’s fine), but I think the innate desire to not want to be alone is hard-wired in many of us.
Beachbum: Thank you for your response! It sounds like we have a similar past and I hope it ultimately brings us to a better understanding of ourselves, what we’re looking for, and love in general.
I think you brought up something important. One of the reasons it’s not okay to settle is because it deprives the other person of finding someone who truly loves them. While I thought about this and believe it’s true, but my situation may be a little different.
I really like the guy I’m currently seeing, but as I mentioned he’s very reserved. I’ve made an effort to spend more time with him (we only live a 10 minute drive apart and still only see each other 2-3 days per week). He’s also never called me just to chat. I don’t think he feels comfortable talking on the phone. But he’all say, “I’ll drop you off at home, I’m going to go for a walk.” I’ve offered to come on a walk with him for company (and a chance to get to know each other more) and he politely declines every time and kind of days “Well, I’m not really sure how long of a walk it’ll be… etc”
Since we’re three months into dating I’ve tried to have a couple more “intimate” conversations so we can feel closer. I asked him if he’d ever been in love before and he made it clear that he wasn’t comfortable talking to me about it. He was very short, didn’t engage in conversation, and didn’t ask me questions about the subject. So I dropped it.
I want to be closer to him and I feel if he let me in we could potentially have a very fulfilling relationship. He’s opened up a couple of times (sometimes under the influence of alcohol) and our communication flowed wonderfully.
Sometimes I feel like he’d almost also settling for me. Like it’s just convenient to have a female presence in his life and to sometimes have a dinner companion or a guest to take to an event.
If time does not bring us closer, then maybe I should consider ending it for BOTH of us to have the opportunity to find more compatible matches. I would love to experience being with someone who is very interested in me.
I definitely relate to waking up alone on a Saturday or Sunday morning. When you’re not seeing anyone and you suddenly have an excess amount of free time, waking up alone and wondering what to do all weekend is a little daunting.
I live several hours away from my family and my close friends are in long-term relationships. Don’t get me wrong, it can be nice to have a whole day of possibilities ahead of you, but when almost every weekend is like this- you miss sharing it with a partner.
I love waking up next to someone I care about, cuddling in bed, and lazily getting up and having breakfast together.
The (wrong) reason I related to most is “You need to be happy alone.”
I was in a long-term relationship for 5 years, we lived together for 4 of those years, and then we were engaged and broke-up. My close friends and family have given me many variations of the advice, “You need to be happy alone.” If I was sad and telling them I missed having a partner, they’d say “you need to be comfortable by yourself before you can give to another person.”
While I think it’s healthy to take time after a break-up to take care of yourself and process what has happened, I don’t think there’s a definitive time frame of “Okay! You’ve now been independent long enough to successfully date again!”
I had one well-meaning friend tell me that I should consider taking a trip alone (Elizabeth Gilbert and Cheryl Strayed-style) to go outside of my comfort zone, find myself, exercise my independence, etc…
So I did. I went across the country alone to San Diego, CA and explored the area by myself for several days. It was an absolutely fantastic and gratifying experienced, but I don’t think it was a turning point in my life where the clouds opened up and a mystical voice said, “You’re now ready to have a partner!” I will say that the trip did get my friends off my back a little about the “be happy being alone” thing though.
First, thank you all so much for your insight and perspectives. I love having a community who understands and I feel I can post on here without judgement.
I’m honestly feeling quite lost right now. Sometimes I question if what I’m looking for is realistic and healthy (I have had co-dependent relationships in the past to the point of borderline separation anxiety. This is something I’ve talked to a counselor about because it may stem from past family issues).
That’s a whole different story though. I think I need to do some more thinking on whether I’m afraid of being alone and that’s the reason I’m staying with him.
He is a great guy though and there are moments when he goes out of his way to make me feel happy and cared about. Also, we’ve only been dating for 3 months. 3 months ago we were literally strangers and things need to develop and evolve organically. Sometimes this takes longer than 12 short weeks.
Just need a little more time to see where this goes and how I feel.
