Sara, Wow! Am I the only guy who read your piece in Sunday’s NYT? For the sake of the disclosure, I am 53, was married at 24 and widowed at 50. I am currently in a relationship with someone 14 years my junior, once divorced, who initiated contact with me via one of the famous web dating sites. My late wife, and nearly all the women I’ve ever dated, were older than I. It says to me that the primary issue when seeking a partner is to be open minded and not seeking someone who fills a laundry list of traits.
I have many women friends and relatives who fit the profile you describe in your piece, other than that most are divorced or widowed rather than long time single. If there is a single poisonous trait they – all very different women – share, it is what I term the “movie in their head.” They envision a certain type of man and a certain type of life and are very closed off to anything that doesn’t jive with that fantasy in their head, even if it could be very positive for them.
I wish happiness for all good people, but as is often the case in most areas of human activity, we are often our own worse enemy. Cut yourself a break, be kind, and hopefully luck will be on your side. A hat for every head, I say!
Hi William, Women are definitely the majority of people I’ve heard from, but many men have also written to say that they have had very similar experiences to mine and others posting on this page. I’m not trying to say that none of us have control over anything, or that working on yourself or going on internet dates is bad. But in this country I think we err too far on the side of believing we have complete control over everything and if you have bad luck then it’s your fault, and I think women in particular drop into self-blame mode. I just think everyone needs to be more spacious and ease up on themselves.
Hi Sara, Like Ann, I just read the ML piece too and..exhaled. It really resonated with me. So wonderful to know that it’s ok to be over-35 and single and just be your unique, true, quirky self..and yes, great to know too that that path can also lead to love. I hope like you to find someone someday who truly sees me and love me anyway.
Sara – Thank you for the great Modern Love column. You’ve heartened many 35+ single women today — me among them — who are smart, funny, attractive, baffled, indignant, and scared.A.
The Modern Love article really touched me. Thank you so much. It’s easy to feel like life is just one big race to the marriage finish line, and if you’re not in a relationship, “don’t worry, it’ll happen soon!” No one is ever honest about how it’s okay to be alone later in life and okay to wait until you find someone who is accepting and loving and makes being in a relationship a source of joy and not stress.
This isn’t a new issue. I was 6 feet tall and had a PhD and men would say,you’re attractive, why aren’t you married? One of my friends said why don’t you make a plan, the way you do when you are applying for research money.
Be rational. You have to figure out where they are who can deal with those oddities. Married at 37, 3 children by 43. Jane Austen was right.
Did it really take that long to realize that the right one just hadn’t come along? I like to think I knew it all long. My lowest points were when I thought the right one would never find me. Well, okay, the *lowest* points were when I considered that everyone eventually settled for mediocrity, and I would have to as well. Or maybe the very lowest points were the sympathetic looks from self-righteous married women. Who cares now; married for the first and only time at 43 to Mr. Perfect, I’m happier than I ever imagined. And I know it was luck that got me here.Anyway, loved the article – spot on! Looking forward to the book.
Sara,
Thank you so much for the Modern Love article. It really lifted my spirits, and I shared it with my girlfriends across the country that have that same nagging fear inside. I feel me and my 30-year old girlfriends are successful in so many ventures, be it professionally, maintaining friendships, physical health, networking, staying close with our families, etc. and yet completely and utterly striking out when it comes to finding a meaningful relationship with a male. I know that the ones of us that are over 30 and still single are secretly questioning, “What did I do wrong? Why am I left over? Are the people that tell me I’m too picky right?” and focusing on perceived physical or personality flaws is not the answer. It is so lovely to hear of your experience and know that, while difficult, waiting longer means getting someone better. I am very excited for your book and congrats on your marriage.
Dear Sara,
Your Modern Love essay is the best I’ve seen in a long time about relationships for long-time single women. I’m smart and ambitious, neurotic and anxious, empathetic and creative – in short a mixed bag, like we all are. It’s tempting – extremely tempting – to keep ‘working on myself’ so that I’ll be accepted for what I’ll become instead of who I am now. Many thanks for lifting my spirits and showing that it can work out.
Sara,I felt like you’d stolen my life to write your Modern Love essay! It is so comforting to see I wasn’t alone in the world, thinking those exact thoughts. However, I think I DID grow up and work through some issues, mainly to relax, enjoy what I did have & be thankful I hadn’t settled on anyone just to not be alone. My Right Guy has been here all along; we just needed to be the fabulous 40-somethings we are right now to ignite & become a great pair. Looking forward to your book!
I loved, loved, loved your Modern Love column. I cried while reading it. You captured so much of my extended single life just perfectly. It was terrible to feel like there was something wrong with me or I didn’t make sense in some way….and it was hard to love a lot about my life but be constantly aware that there was something missing that I really wanted. Boy, all the mind games we play with ourselves thinking if I can just figure out what’s wrong and fix it, everything will magically fall into place. And when I eventually did start dating the right guy, none of that mattered at all – we just accepted each other (really rejoiced in each other) and fell in love. I wish I’d known you and your friends during some of those tough moments. Good luck with your book and all your work. I very much look forward to reading more. Thank you for this column.
Thanks for your great article… resonated with me.
I never had a boyfriend until just before my 30th birthday and at my low points, I really really worried that something was wrong with me. I’m smart, cute, creative, kind, friendly but also headstrong, nerdy, not-girly-enough, etc… and I constantly vacillated between being happy and sure of myself and being lonely and trying to fix myself.
Change the dates and ages a bit and it could have been me in your article. I forwarded your article to my friends.
Hi, I read your recent NYT article and I just wanted to wish you well in your writing career and personal relationships. You are attractive, accomplished, and a good person and that is reflected in your many articles.
K
Thank you so much for that Modern Love piece. Your conclusion is so true. So much of dating advice (especially for women) is about how to fix yourself or trick someone else into loving you. But sometimes it just takes time to find the right person.
Sara- LOVED the article!! It totally reached into the hearts of those who have been looking for that loved one for years. So glad to see that I’m not the only one thinking this way…..Thanks!! :)
If you click on your picture you go from being very small to filling four computer monitors. I thought you were trying to attack me through my computer, please don’t attack me. Also, great article in the times.
Thank you for writing the Modern Love piece. I want you to know that I was completely touched. You have given me even more hope…I know that the right person is out there for me! Single women like us need a voice and you nailed it on the head…a million thanks!
Thank you for the Modern Love article. People make so many insensitive remarks to the “older” single woman. It gets even a lot worse once you are 45. People diagnose you without you asking for it: you are too demanding and too difficult. Or they tell you that you have to hurry up. I know I am attractive, intelligent and able to love someone. Yet it does not happen for me. I try online dating because it seems the only way to meet available men but it is brutal. I am looking for someone my age and get often rejected (mind you, by men up to 7/8 years older than myself) because I am “too old” despite the fact that I am still size 6 at 46 and have hardly any wrinkles. Fell twice in love with someone I met via the internet and in each case the guy turned out to be a very good liar. Such experiences leave you really wounded.I think we have to be realistic. For some of us it won’t happen and it is not because we have fatal flaws. You have to be lucky, I hope I will be some day.
To anonymous who said that you have to make a plan, I don’t want to make a project of love or marriage. I like things to just happen without having to come up with a business plan.
I was so blessed by reading your article this morning. I just turned 42 and have always been a little closed off with relationships for fear of getting hurt. However, I consider myself to be an attractive, intelligent and witty woman. I still have hope that I will meet the right man, and am just learning to appreciate the life I’ve been given…which is awesome:). Again, thanks for laying it out there. Ironically, a man I’m currently seeing had the nerve to ask me ‘what’s wrong with you’ when he found out I have never been married. I politely asked him the same. Suffice it to say, I don’t hold out much hope for him in the long run, but you never know. LOL. Can’t wait for the book, Sara!
Sara, Wow! Am I the only guy who read your piece in Sunday’s NYT? For the sake of the disclosure, I am 53, was married at 24 and widowed at 50. I am currently in a relationship with someone 14 years my junior, once divorced, who initiated contact with me via one of the famous web dating sites. My late wife, and nearly all the women I’ve ever dated, were older than I. It says to me that the primary issue when seeking a partner is to be open minded and not seeking someone who fills a laundry list of traits.
I have many women friends and relatives who fit the profile you describe in your piece, other than that most are divorced or widowed rather than long time single. If there is a single poisonous trait they – all very different women – share, it is what I term the “movie in their head.” They envision a certain type of man and a certain type of life and are very closed off to anything that doesn’t jive with that fantasy in their head, even if it could be very positive for them.
I wish happiness for all good people, but as is often the case in most areas of human activity, we are often our own worse enemy. Cut yourself a break, be kind, and hopefully luck will be on your side. A hat for every head, I say!
Dear William, I think you have not understood AT ALL what Sara tried to convey in her article. Your reaction is yet another one which BLAMES women for being without a partner. The reasons why women have no partner cannot be reduced to “one single poisonous trait”. Women have different desires and very different lives. A lot of them simply meet few available men.Women do not have a “movie in their head”, they want their relationships to start with falling in love. And you can’t fall in love with just no matter who. Nothing wrong with being open-minded but sometimes you are just not compatible with someone.
I can tell you that there are certainly as many men who have a “movie in their head” as women…
Well said, TooSmart. I say, go wtih the movie in your head, don’t try to convince yourself you’re in love with someone just because they’re acceptable, and realize that begin single is a lot better than settling for less than what you want.
Loved it! Just emailed it to my sisters and friends. So real, so well-written.
Great to hear, thanks!
Wonderful ML piece. I have two female friends that will adore this piece.Don
Thanks!
Sara, Wow! Am I the only guy who read your piece in Sunday’s NYT? For the sake of the disclosure, I am 53, was married at 24 and widowed at 50. I am currently in a relationship with someone 14 years my junior, once divorced, who initiated contact with me via one of the famous web dating sites. My late wife, and nearly all the women I’ve ever dated, were older than I. It says to me that the primary issue when seeking a partner is to be open minded and not seeking someone who fills a laundry list of traits.
I have many women friends and relatives who fit the profile you describe in your piece, other than that most are divorced or widowed rather than long time single. If there is a single poisonous trait they – all very different women – share, it is what I term the “movie in their head.” They envision a certain type of man and a certain type of life and are very closed off to anything that doesn’t jive with that fantasy in their head, even if it could be very positive for them.
I wish happiness for all good people, but as is often the case in most areas of human activity, we are often our own worse enemy. Cut yourself a break, be kind, and hopefully luck will be on your side. A hat for every head, I say!
Hi William, Women are definitely the majority of people I’ve heard from, but many men have also written to say that they have had very similar experiences to mine and others posting on this page. I’m not trying to say that none of us have control over anything, or that working on yourself or going on internet dates is bad. But in this country I think we err too far on the side of believing we have complete control over everything and if you have bad luck then it’s your fault, and I think women in particular drop into self-blame mode. I just think everyone needs to be more spacious and ease up on themselves.
Hello Sara,
I just read your Modern Love article. It was lovely. Incredibly lovely. I think you made a big impact on my life.
L
Wow, that’s great to hear! Thanks, Sara
Hi Sara, Like Ann, I just read the ML piece too and..exhaled. It really resonated with me. So wonderful to know that it’s ok to be over-35 and single and just be your unique, true, quirky self..and yes, great to know too that that path can also lead to love. I hope like you to find someone someday who truly sees me and love me anyway.
I hope so too! Thanks for writing.
Sara – Thank you for the great Modern Love column. You’ve heartened many 35+ single women today — me among them — who are smart, funny, attractive, baffled, indignant, and scared.A.
So glad to hear it resonated! Cheers, Sara
Thanks! I think baffled and scared go hand in and with smart and funny–since it’s a pretty appropriate response to life much of the time. Cheers, Sara
I really enjoyed this piece. Would love to hear when the book comes out.
Thanks, Julie!
The Modern Love article really touched me. Thank you so much. It’s easy to feel like life is just one big race to the marriage finish line, and if you’re not in a relationship, “don’t worry, it’ll happen soon!” No one is ever honest about how it’s okay to be alone later in life and okay to wait until you find someone who is accepting and loving and makes being in a relationship a source of joy and not stress.
Yes, absolutely! One thing I am learning from my research–the women who wait tend to have very easy harmonious relationships. Cheers, Sara
This isn’t a new issue. I was 6 feet tall and had a PhD and men would say,you’re attractive, why aren’t you married? One of my friends said why don’t you make a plan, the way you do when you are applying for research money.
Be rational. You have to figure out where they are who can deal with those oddities. Married at 37, 3 children by 43. Jane Austen was right.
Hooray!
Hi Sara. Great Modern Love piece. The article mentioned you working on a book about women marrying over 35. Sounds very interesting. Can’t wait!
Thanks! It’s been fun to research.
Did it really take that long to realize that the right one just hadn’t come along? I like to think I knew it all long. My lowest points were when I thought the right one would never find me. Well, okay, the *lowest* points were when I considered that everyone eventually settled for mediocrity, and I would have to as well. Or maybe the very lowest points were the sympathetic looks from self-righteous married women. Who cares now; married for the first and only time at 43 to Mr. Perfect, I’m happier than I ever imagined. And I know it was luck that got me here.Anyway, loved the article – spot on! Looking forward to the book.
So glad to hear it! Thanks for writing!
Sara,
Thank you so much for the Modern Love article. It really lifted my spirits, and I shared it with my girlfriends across the country that have that same nagging fear inside. I feel me and my 30-year old girlfriends are successful in so many ventures, be it professionally, maintaining friendships, physical health, networking, staying close with our families, etc. and yet completely and utterly striking out when it comes to finding a meaningful relationship with a male. I know that the ones of us that are over 30 and still single are secretly questioning, “What did I do wrong? Why am I left over? Are the people that tell me I’m too picky right?” and focusing on perceived physical or personality flaws is not the answer. It is so lovely to hear of your experience and know that, while difficult, waiting longer means getting someone better. I am very excited for your book and congrats on your marriage.
I’m so glad to hear that. Thanks for writing.
Dear Sara,
Your Modern Love essay is the best I’ve seen in a long time about relationships for long-time single women. I’m smart and ambitious, neurotic and anxious, empathetic and creative – in short a mixed bag, like we all are. It’s tempting – extremely tempting – to keep ‘working on myself’ so that I’ll be accepted for what I’ll become instead of who I am now. Many thanks for lifting my spirits and showing that it can work out.
Yes, here is to being a mixed bag!
Sara,I felt like you’d stolen my life to write your Modern Love essay! It is so comforting to see I wasn’t alone in the world, thinking those exact thoughts. However, I think I DID grow up and work through some issues, mainly to relax, enjoy what I did have & be thankful I hadn’t settled on anyone just to not be alone. My Right Guy has been here all along; we just needed to be the fabulous 40-somethings we are right now to ignite & become a great pair. Looking forward to your book!
yay!
I loved, loved, loved your Modern Love column. I cried while reading it. You captured so much of my extended single life just perfectly. It was terrible to feel like there was something wrong with me or I didn’t make sense in some way….and it was hard to love a lot about my life but be constantly aware that there was something missing that I really wanted. Boy, all the mind games we play with ourselves thinking if I can just figure out what’s wrong and fix it, everything will magically fall into place. And when I eventually did start dating the right guy, none of that mattered at all – we just accepted each other (really rejoiced in each other) and fell in love. I wish I’d known you and your friends during some of those tough moments. Good luck with your book and all your work. I very much look forward to reading more. Thank you for this column.
Really great to hear you too realized flaws and quirks don’t matter. Thanks for writing.
Thanks for your great article… resonated with me.
I never had a boyfriend until just before my 30th birthday and at my low points, I really really worried that something was wrong with me. I’m smart, cute, creative, kind, friendly but also headstrong, nerdy, not-girly-enough, etc… and I constantly vacillated between being happy and sure of myself and being lonely and trying to fix myself.
Change the dates and ages a bit and it could have been me in your article. I forwarded your article to my friends.
So glad it resonated. Thanks for writing!
Hi, I read your recent NYT article and I just wanted to wish you well in your writing career and personal relationships. You are attractive, accomplished, and a good person and that is reflected in your many articles.
K
wow, thanks!
Thank you so much for that Modern Love piece. Your conclusion is so true. So much of dating advice (especially for women) is about how to fix yourself or trick someone else into loving you. But sometimes it just takes time to find the right person.
Agreed!
Loved it! Just emailed it to my sisters and friends. So real, so well-written.
Wonderful ML piece. I have two female friends that will adore this piece.
Don
Sara- LOVED the article!! It totally reached into the hearts of those who have been looking for that loved one for years. So glad to see that I’m not the only one thinking this way…..Thanks!! :)
I can assure you that you’re not. Thanks! Sara
If you click on your picture you go from being very small to filling four computer monitors. I thought you were trying to attack me through my computer, please don’t attack me. Also, great article in the times.
Whoa, I had no idea. Thanks. I will try to fix. I’m still new to this blogging thang.
Thank you for writing the Modern Love piece. I want you to know that I was completely touched. You have given me even more hope…I know that the right person is out there for me! Single women like us need a voice and you nailed it on the head…a million thanks!
Thank YOU!
Thank you for the Modern Love article. People make so many insensitive remarks to the “older” single woman. It gets even a lot worse once you are 45. People diagnose you without you asking for it: you are too demanding and too difficult. Or they tell you that you have to hurry up. I know I am attractive, intelligent and able to love someone. Yet it does not happen for me. I try online dating because it seems the only way to meet available men but it is brutal. I am looking for someone my age and get often rejected (mind you, by men up to 7/8 years older than myself) because I am “too old” despite the fact that I am still size 6 at 46 and have hardly any wrinkles. Fell twice in love with someone I met via the internet and in each case the guy turned out to be a very good liar. Such experiences leave you really wounded.I think we have to be realistic. For some of us it won’t happen and it is not because we have fatal flaws. You have to be lucky, I hope I will be some day.
To anonymous who said that you have to make a plan, I don’t want to make a project of love or marriage. I like things to just happen without having to come up with a business plan.
So true about the diagnoses! But it sounds like you’re pretty good at seeing through that. All the best to you, Sara
I was so blessed by reading your article this morning. I just turned 42 and have always been a little closed off with relationships for fear of getting hurt. However, I consider myself to be an attractive, intelligent and witty woman. I still have hope that I will meet the right man, and am just learning to appreciate the life I’ve been given…which is awesome:). Again, thanks for laying it out there. Ironically, a man I’m currently seeing had the nerve to ask me ‘what’s wrong with you’ when he found out I have never been married. I politely asked him the same. Suffice it to say, I don’t hold out much hope for him in the long run, but you never know. LOL. Can’t wait for the book, Sara!
Sara, Wow! Am I the only guy who read your piece in Sunday’s NYT? For the sake of the disclosure, I am 53, was married at 24 and widowed at 50. I am currently in a relationship with someone 14 years my junior, once divorced, who initiated contact with me via one of the famous web dating sites. My late wife, and nearly all the women I’ve ever dated, were older than I. It says to me that the primary issue when seeking a partner is to be open minded and not seeking someone who fills a laundry list of traits.
I have many women friends and relatives who fit the profile you describe in your piece, other than that most are divorced or widowed rather than long time single. If there is a single poisonous trait they – all very different women – share, it is what I term the “movie in their head.” They envision a certain type of man and a certain type of life and are very closed off to anything that doesn’t jive with that fantasy in their head, even if it could be very positive for them.
I wish happiness for all good people, but as is often the case in most areas of human activity, we are often our own worse enemy. Cut yourself a break, be kind, and hopefully luck will be on your side. A hat for every head, I say!
Dear William, I think you have not understood AT ALL what Sara tried to convey in her article. Your reaction is yet another one which BLAMES women for being without a partner. The reasons why women have no partner cannot be reduced to “one single poisonous trait”. Women have different desires and very different lives. A lot of them simply meet few available men.Women do not have a “movie in their head”, they want their relationships to start with falling in love. And you can’t fall in love with just no matter who. Nothing wrong with being open-minded but sometimes you are just not compatible with someone.
I can tell you that there are certainly as many men who have a “movie in their head” as women…
Well said, TooSmart. I say, go wtih the movie in your head, don’t try to convince yourself you’re in love with someone just because they’re acceptable, and realize that begin single is a lot better than settling for less than what you want.
Agree again! It’s also much kinder to the OTHER person. Who wants to be the person someone else “settles” for?
agree!
Beautiful piece in today’s Sunday Life Sara, thank you for sharing I really enjoyed xx
Thank you, Kylie! so happy to know my piece is being read in Australia! Cheers, Sara