Thank you to all the lovely people who have written me about my Modern Love piece this weekend. I am incredibly moved by your stories and your support. And thanks to all the folk in the Twitter/LinkedIn/Facebook-verse for the tweets and posts. At this writing the piece is #5 on the Times most emailed list–though unfortunately the feature is broken so it says some kind of Lebanese stew is kicking my butt. (Step off, Lebanese stew!)
So, to all the people who are feeling alone, you’re not alone. Thanks, Sara
Thank you thank you thank you. This article made me cry because it summed up everything that’s going on with me right now, single in Toronto at the age of 37. I’m just getting over a relationship that almost-happened- but-not-quite, and it has really been shaking my previously strong sense of self and well-being, and pride with my accomplishments. I shared your essay immediately with the single friends I have left, and we are all appreciative. We are a bunch of professional women who have everything together except for the relationship part of our lives, and it’s hard to accept that fact that finding the right man is almost random. Especially when nothing else in our lives has been random. I’ll be re-reading this one frequently. Big hugs to you!
Thanks so much!
Count me among the many who felt you had gotten inside my head and written about me. I too met my husband at 35, married at 37 and am so happy we found each other. I was so tired of having family members wonder what was wrong with me (or whether I was secretly a lesbian — not that there is anything wrong with that) but I felt it was just my bad luck.I look forward to the book!
Best,
Alix
Thanks! It’s so amazing to me how many people have had the SAME experience!
thanks so much for writing that article. it profoundly impacted me after i read it and i couldn’t stop thinking about it all day. it made me cry. thank you.
Thanks, I’m so touched to know my piece was so meaningful to you! Cheers, Sara
I read your modern love piece in the NYT. It was great and really helped me put my situation into perspective and see what is important in life. Thank you. Ps- I’m a guy going through some of the same stuff.
yes, thanks for the reminder that guys go through this too!
I wanted to thank you for writing this article. I am a single 37 year old woman living in NYC. Your story had a profound effect on me. I can relate to your previous fears and worries completely. You are right, It’s not me, it’s not my friends, it just hasn’t happened for us yet. That doesn’t mean that it won’t and it doesn’t mean that there is something fundamentally wrong with me or any one else because it hasn’t happened yet. Thank you Sara, you give me hope!! A-
So glad to hear that! Thanks, Sara
Sara,You perfectly encapsulated my feelings around finding love at the age of 34. Mostly I think I am quite amazing but have serious pangs of self-doubt–this weekend happened to be one of them and your article came at the perfect time. It will be my go-to article anytime I feel rumblings of self-doubt. Thank you, thank you. All the beautiful, wonderful women thank you for your vulnerable and heartfelt article. Thank you.
That is so nice to hear. I so appreciate hearing from you and all the other people who have shared their stories. I’m just one person, but you all are showing just how common this is.
Thank you thank you thank you. This article made me cry because it summed up everything that’s going on with me right now, single in Toronto at the age of 37. I’m just getting over a relationship that almost-happened- but-not-quite, and it has really been shaking my previously strong sense of self and well-being, and pride with my accomplishments. I shared your essay immediately with the single friends I have left, and we are all appreciative. We are a bunch of professional women who have everything together except for the relationship part of our lives, and it’s hard to accept that fact that finding the right man is almost random. Especially when nothing else in our lives has been random. I’ll be re-reading this one frequently. Big hugs to you!
I read your article through NYT’s most emailed list, and it instantly echoed with me and my single friends, resulting so many of them repost the article right after reading it on social websites, in China actually. So good job, and thank you! :)
Wow! I am blown away to hear that your friends in China are reading. Thanks, Sara
A good friend of mine who has been single and struggling with this stuff but is now dating someone sent me this article. I am a college professor living in a miniscule town. I have interesting hobbies and I think I’m easy on the eyes yet I’m struggling with all this stuff. I’m 34 and have been single for 4 years. I don’t get it and with each passing month, my already mediocre self-esteem dies a little. (Pardon my pre-coffee drama!) This article was a nice reminder of the fact that I’m not alone. Well, not alone in my dating woes, that is. I’ve always been ashamed to admit that I want a relationship too. What is that?? Thanks for writing this!
Yeah, it’s strange that we feel this way about admitting that. All the best to you. Sara
“I believe global warming is real and heaven is a fantasy. I believe people who think “everything happens for a reason” must have never opened a newspaper. Some may call it negative. I call it realistic.”
This is my new tagline in life. Great article.
Ha! If only it were short enough for a bumper sticker! thanks, sara
Yes, thank you so much for the article. It really made me feel better.
I’m so glad to hear that. Cheers, Sara
Thanks for this uplifting piece. I’ve stopped reading self-help books and articles about love and relationships a long time ago because somehow, they make me feel like I should go out there and “internet date, speed date, blind date”. And “You will be hitched in no time.” I exhausted myself and yet I was still single.
You made me realised that I just haven’t met the right one. Thank you.
So good to hear, thanks. Sara
Vivien, I hear you. At some point I had so many self-help books that I could have opened a specialised public library. The authors of these books are very smart! They know how important it is for women to find love so they promise us we can get it if only we follow their recipe. Most of the time the only thing that gets better is their bankaccount.Wish I had spent the money on something else…
In the end, I gave all these books away. I want someone to love me for who I am. Also, I think that anno 2011 it should be able to find love without having to become a Stepford wife.
I thought for a while that I had to force my luck but it caused me nothing but stress AND I was still single.
Now I try to be the best self I can be and hopefully some day a man falls in love with me. The good thing about love is that it can happen to you at every age…
So true!
I, too, am a single woman in my mid-forties and have often wondered why this is so.When I became a full-fledged thirty-something it seemed I couldn’t help but attract the attention of younger men. I made a rule. I wouldn’t see anyone more than 14 years younger than myself. The thought of dating someone born after I began to menstruate was kinda creepy. A couple of these youngsters really broke my heart even though the age difference was admittedly awkward.
I’ve often wondered why these younger men seemed to “get” me. The single men my own age seemed to actively pursued younger women, women without careers or they were financially unstable and only dated “successful” women. I suspect there’s a generational thing going on here. Is Mary Tyler Moore and “Hawkeye” to blame?
In the past year I’ve met someone slightly younger than me and we’ve fallen deeply in love.
Again, I wonder if a larger societal dynamic can take credit for this turn of fate. I won’t bore you with the details, but I never would have met this man had I not lost my job and spent a few years “out of my element”.
We’re in the same field, but I was working in the service industry when we met.
I look forward to reading your book.
I’m particularly interested in how women my age deal with childlessness. I’m proud of the fact that, as a young woman, I had enough self-awareness to know that I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. Many of my former classmates are now single moms. Now that I’m grown up, my child bearing years have passed me by… and that makes me sad. And afraid! As I witness the decline of my parents I wonder what’s going to happen to me when I get old.
Thanks again for your insightful work.
Thanks so much. And yes I am dealing with the issue of childlessness/reproductive technology, etc.
One more fan. You rock. Thank you. –42 and not heading for spinsterhood (who the hell came up with that word?) despite what my family thinks.
All right! Thanks, sara
Sara, thank you for your beautifully written article that was right on target. I’m 42 and have spent the past 12 years trying to figure out ‘the answer’ to why none of my relationships have yet ended in marriage. It’s nice to have someone – a married person, no less – acknowledge that maybe there is no magical reason and it just hasn’t happened yet. I forwarded this to several of my smart, pretty, wonderful friends who just happen to be single and they were also very appreciative.
You know, the funny thing about marrying late in life is that you don’t really identify yourself so much as a “married person.” I’ve talked to other late-marrying friends and we agreed that that experience of long-term singleness is so profound, you sort of always identify with that, if that makes sense. Anyway, thanks for you comments! Sara
Holy crap. Thanks so much for this. You pretty much nailed me right on the head. (Has anyone ever compared you with Anne Lamott? I just did.) Anyway, thanks again.
You are the first to compare me to Anne Lamont, and I am thrilled!
Wow, really beautiful writing, Sara. The story is smart and insightful and all those good things, but all I kept thinking was…”Wow, this young woman can WRITE!” Beautiful prose. Your former co-worker, now husband, is one lucky dude.
Thank you so much!
Count me among the many who felt you had gotten inside my head and written about me. I too met my husband at 35, married at 37 and am so happy we found each other. I was so tired of having family members wonder what was wrong with me (or whether I was secretly a lesbian — not that there is anything wrong with that) but I felt it was just my bad luck.
I look forward to the book!
Best,
Alix
Thank you thank you thank you for writing this! It is great to know there are so many women in the same boat. You really articulated the way so many of us single ladies think. I’m glad you finally found a good man – hope I do too!
Me too! And thanks! Sara
Your essasy almost brought me to tears. Thank you so much for expressing what is in my heart about what love and relationships are really all about. This is the best article I’ve read on this topic in a really long time.
Wow, thanks! Sara
I loved the following article as well: http://www.yourtango.com/200914986/5-things-single-women-hate-hear/page/2
love it. will tweet immediately.
Your column spoke to me. I’ve been looking for a discussion of long-term singleness, but there isn’t very much out there. Your piece filled this void and made me feel not so alone following my personal path. Thank you for sharing!
Jamie, Thank you for writing. Yes, there has been very little discussion of longtime singleness. I hope that changes soon. Cheers, Sara
I think ALL of us, single or married, should find ways to improve ourselves and also make ourselves more palatable and lovable to others. Sometimes we need to tone it down a little (not our intelligence or drive, but maybe our outer shell) and become the type of person WE would fall in love with. I agree with everything in your article and I think single people are usually single because it’s bad luck or they haven’t met the right person. However, anyone who is dating should become the type of person they would fall in love with.
Hi, thanks for writing. I’m definitely all for people doing thing that make them feel happier, more relaxed and self-accepting, though I’m personally not a fan of the idea of self-improvement. But I do think that treating yourself with kindness and compassion can make it easier to look at certain things and say, “maybe that’s not the best way to proceed” … if that makes sense. Sara
thanks so much for writing that article. it profoundly impacted me after i read it and i couldn’t stop thinking about it all day. it made me cry. thank you.