Dear Sara: I am 37 years old, and I am single. I have had two long relationships but have been single for a while now. Sometimes I feel great about my life, and sometimes I feel very depressed about being single. Sometimes people are really supportive toward me, and sometimes they are not.
I discovered that my strength is that I go on dating sites, follow dating coaching, and go to networking events, etc. But I find it difficult to allow feelings of sadness to just be instead of doing things all the time to desperately change my single status. I realized that, underneath all this, I feel that I am not good enough the way I am. One date mentioned that I was too sweet. Another guy gave me the feeling that I was not rich or trendy enough. I had the feeling that in order to make us fit together I had to change the interior of my apartment into a more modern style and come across as somebody who loves to socialize a lot just as he does.
I’m learning to be vulnerable and share my feelings. I tried to open up to a married friend of mine by saying that I’ve just had enough of dating for now and shared how I felt. She only asked how many men I have contacted on dating sites. She gave me the feeling that I was not working hard enough to change my single status. Two other married friends gave me the feeling that I should work harder to find someone; otherwise we won’t have enough things in common to keep the friendship working.
One of the other reasons I am working so hard to find a husband is because I would still like to have children. If my biological clock was not the issue I would feel more at ease about being single. It is painful to see much younger friends of mine being married for more than five years already. Some of them are pregnant with their third child already. It hurts a lot. As if I am being stabbed in my heart. It feels as if it is not fair. – E
Dear E: You’re right. It’s not fair. But people don’t like admitting this—especially those who have exactly what you want, a spouse and children.
I’ll get to them in a second. But first, these guys: Too sweet? Not trendy enough? This kind of feedback says a lot more about them than you. The only thing it reveals about you is that you’re a nice person who isn’t overly concerned with superficial things like home furnishings. Would you even want to change this about yourself?
Okay, your friends. People in couples tell their unhappily single friends to “work harder” for nice reasons and for not-so-nice reasons.
The nicest reason is that they love you and want you to be happy. They can’t stand seeing their sweet, thoughtful, non-materialistic friend feeling lonely and anxious. They want to help, but since they can’t help, they offer advice. Telling you to try harder feels optimistic because they’re essentially saying you’re in control.
On the other hand, the people who said you need to find a partner or else the friendship “won’t work” have a different agenda: their own comfort.
Life is unfair—we are told this as children. But in my experience, people currently sitting on the sunnier side of this equation want to believe that their happy circumstances are a result only of their hard work and fine character. Those are important, of course, but when it comes to romantic love chance plays a big part, too. For your friends to grant that you’re simply unlucky, they also have to face the idea that their more pleasant situation might also be a result of chance, rather than character. Telling you to “get back out there” is a lot easier.
Whatever their motives, your friends are ignoring your actual experience—you are working very, very hard. So I don’t have any advice on how to find your person, but I do have some thoughts on how to manage this emotional terrain in the meantime.
First, if your friends are unable to hear you on this topic, I’d suggest you stop discussing it with them. You don’t need their uninformed opinions in your head—you need to access your own wisdom.
The best way I know to do this is to allow yourself to feel that sadness without judgment. This does not negate doing the work of dating—the “getting out there” blah, blah, blah. In fact, I think it makes it easier. Allowing yourself to have those uncomfortable feelings is a good way to practice self-acceptance—to develop it, like a muscle.
Feeling sad is not an indication of a character flaw—it’s an indication that you’re a human being. I have found that learning to accept my darker emotions—to say, “I feel sad right now. That’s okay, everyone feels sad sometimes” makes them a lot easier to handle. When you learn to relax into your uncomfortable emotions, you develop both self-acceptance and bravery. This can give you a kind of confidence that isn’t contingent upon external circumstances.
Obviously, this kind of transformation doesn’t happen overnight, but if this interests you, there are many wonderful resources that can help get you started. Let me know how it goes.
Yours,
Sara
Sara Eckel is a personal coach and the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook. Ask her a question here.
I really like how this woman is beginning to value herself over what others might feel would be better for her. We tend to undervalue who we are when we are single…it becomes very difficult to say we are okay when there is no one else validating it. However, I feel as we continue to grow as a person without a partner, we can value ourselves enough to know we are okay on our own if that right person does not come along right away. Being single is tough in a family/couple oriented world and we can instantly slot ourselves into a category of “not good enough” when we do not find a partner.
I completely get it when this woman says it how much it can hurt as a woman especially, and like she is being stabbed in the heart…sometimes we just need to have space to feel that without being told we need to do one more thing. I really admire how she is sticking to her values…great job!
Thanks for sharing, Ruth!
Hi ladies,
This was my post. Thank for your encouraging words Ruth.
Sara thanks for your reply and great insights. They really help me. Especially what you mentioned about why some married people give advice to try harder. Because I do believe finding romantic love has to with chance too.
In the meantime my mindset has changed since I wrote to you. I have read your book and went to a gathering in Amsterdam to hear someone speak on monogamous relationships and the history of marriage. The fact that marriage in the beginning was set up out of economical reasons is new to me. In our modern society as a single person we have our own jobs. So in a way we do not need a partner anymore. So why is there still the notion in our society that we need marriage or romantic love in order to be complete as a person? The Jerry Maguire thing:’you complete me’.
I must say uncounsiously I have been driven by this thought my whole life. That I am not complete the way I am. Only when I meet a man and be devoted to him alone I would be complete and have finally arrived in my destiny-calling.
I have seen friends with great marriages around me. So I am not saying marriage is a bad thing. But I am rethinking what I really want right now. Do I want marriage? Now that I know that I am complete and already have arrived in my destiny now already as a single person. I made a list of advantages and disadvantages of both. The conclusion is that I enjoy my life the way it is. I have so much freedom on my own to meet many different kind of people.I love living on my own. I remember what you mentioned in your book about as a single loving people can feel very intense. I am currently discovering this. I was at a writerscourse and looked at the people and felt such love in my heart for them. Thoughts like:’wow look at you you are such a beautiful,wonderful person.’I could feel myself radiating this love to them. And that was what made me really happy. I am also rethinking my desire to have children. I always thought that in order to be a real woman you need to have biological children. Lately I discovered that I can share my nurturing instincts with eveyone. And that that was the essence of my desire to have children.
So I am not saying that I will never marry. But I am saying yes to love in general meeting people loving them. I feel a new sense of freedom to discover life in new ways developing myself in all areas. Life is an adventure I feel blessed to be a part of it.
Elisabeth, I love this post! So happy to hear all of it. I’ll bet you would really love Rebecca Traister’s new book, All The Single Ladies, it’s a social history of the single women that discusses why so many women are choosing to stay single for much longer.
Dear Sara,
Thanks for your reply! Really enjoying my life the way it is. The knowledge that I am complete the way I am has changed my life tremendously. Most of all I learned to love myself first. To give myself the love that I always expected or wanted a man to give me. For example giving myself compliments, positive affirmations etc. Also going on dates by myself and treating myself well in all kinds of areas. Because of this my heart is so open for love to people around me. Both giving and receiving. I feel myself radiating this love to family, community, friends, collegues and strangers. People see this and I receive lots of compliments. Another reason why I am able to love people more around me is because I stopped fixating on the idea that life is about finding one romantic relationship with one life long partner only. And that all other relationships (family,community,friends,collegues, strangers etc.) are secondary or inferior to that particular relationship. I am realising more and more that the spectrum of love is not that hierarchical. I do believe all kinds of relationships are unique in their kind but also equal at the same time.
I also believe you can fall in love with everyone or anything not only with a life partner. Especially if your mindset is set on seeing beauty in others and life in general. In our society we tend to associate falling in love with sex primarly. Sex is a beautiful thing. But this is not the kind of falling in love that I am talking about at the moment. I mean falling in love in general when you see beauty in people, things or situations around you. Let me give you some examples:
-Sitting on a couch and listening to music that makes my heart pound.
-Watching my friend hugging her daughter tightly with her eyes closed.
-Seeing my friends husband laughing in the middle of his depression.
-During belly dance lessons watching woman connecting with their feminity.
-Falling in love with the main character in my story about a cat.
-Watching clouds passing by.
-Seeing trees and flowers blossoming around me.
-Admiring new kind of art in paintings.
etc…
Ofcourse life is not perfect. I do feel insecure or down at times. Then I ask myself the what if questions. What if all my male and female friends get into commited relationships? And they get so caught up in those relationships and our friendship withers. Because I do live in a world where people give more priority to their life partner. This is my biggest fear right now.
What are your thoughts on this?
Hi Elizabeth, I really identified with your first letter seeking advice. While it sounds like you may be in a different space now, I wanted to share with you the idea of becoming a mom on your own (you mentioned that wanting to have children was one of the reasons your were intensely seeking a relationship). I was on the same boat as you, and decided to have a child on my own. Now I have a beautiful 9 month old daughter who I am crazy about. Still single and looking, but at least I don’t have the pressure of the bio clock ticking affecting my quest for relationships. “Knock Yourself Up: No Man? No Problem: A Tell-All Guide to Becoming a Single Mom” by Judith Sloan is a great book if you are indeed considering this.
Hi V.
Thanks for your reply.
Good to hear that you created a life you are happy about.As for me,like you said, I am in a different place now.But thanks for sharing your story as well.