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mariposa, I would recommend meetup. It is a great way to meet like-minded people of any gender. Even if you don’t meet an eligible romantic partner, you never know who they might know who could also be single. You can also start your own meetup if you don’t find one that suits you.
ZoeLove, thanks so much for articulating this. I turn 35 in two weeks and having children has been on my mind a lot. I very much relate to how you feel the need to distance yourself from certain situations. I have also been experiencing this. It’s a new feeling for me, as up until recently I couldn’t spend enough time with the kids (and parents) in my life. I am trying to be easy on myself, not judge myself for having these feelings (as Sara writes about in her book!) and also accept these feelings as normal. I think it’s normal to feel sadness/longing/maybe a little jealousy in these circumstances. I’m also very mindful of not isolating myself because I know that’s not healthy. So for me, right now, it’s all about finding the right balance of what feels health and positive vs. when I need separation. You’re not the only one experiencing these feelings if that makes you feel better.
Great recommendation beachbum! I have been wanting to read Melanie’s book for awhile now.
Another book that resonated with me as a long-time single is called Never Have I Ever: My Life (So Far) Without a Date by Katie Heaney.
Katie uses an analogy in the book that I still remember about how some people in the world are like lighthouses – shinning light that people are drawn too while other people are like the Bermuda Triangle. Here’s what she said about Bermuda Triangle people:
The Bermuda Triangle is so far from sailors’ minds that it isn’t even really on the map. They’d rather not even think about it. Even if a few of them knew, theoretically, that the Bermuda Triangle was out there, they wouldn’t be able to find it if they wanted to. They would become lost, possibly forever. For the most part, though, they don’t want to try. The Bermuda Triangle is scary and confusing. Sailors hear bad things about it. They’d rather just go around it, staying as far away as humanly possible.
I know that sounds like an exaggeration. And sure, to some extent, it probably is. For instance, there isn’t anything about me that is analogous to the Bermuda Triangle’s “rogue wave” phenomenon (at least I hope there isn’t). I don’t capsize sailors, much less entire ships. I keep myself to myself, you know? In fact, I think that’s probably what the Bermuda Triangle is up to. It doesn’t mean to do any harm, and it’s actually pretty nice once you get to know it. It’s just that Bermuda doesn’t know how to handle itself when somebody sails into its territory, because that hardly ever happens. It hasn’t had much chance to practice, and it’s used to things going a certain way. So if a sailor DOES come around, it gets a little nervous, freaks the fuck out, and creates hurricane-like devastation in every direction around it. And then it gets embarrassed and sad and calls its friends.
Here’s a good article on it if you don’t want to read the book: I’ve Been Single For My Entire Life
QuirkyAlone by Sasha Cagen. It’s basically about being a person who prefers to be single rather than settle. Sasha and Sara did a podcast together but I can’t seem to find a link to it.
I think we’re on the same page eldogg. You’re answer is a honest one and one that I often say because it’s true (“it just hasn’t worked out”). I also agree about scripting an answer and finding the right words that feel right to you since we know the question will come up. I also agree that if a date really presses and makes it an issue (especially on the first date) then it’s probably best to end the night. I have a friend who didn’t date much at all in her 30s and 40s and had actually given up on the idea of meeting anyone. But she did and is a long term, serious relationship, entered into in her late 40s. So, as we know, there is no rule book. I appreciate your male perspective, eldogg. I mostly only talk about this with woman. As a man, I’m curious what you would think if a thirty-something female date told you she had little relationship experience. Maybe you can help us break up the bugaboo we have about it. 😊
I find that honesty is the best policy. I also know that how I present that information makes a difference – body language, tone of voice, the words I use. If I present it as something that I’m shameful about (which I do feel sometimes) then it will be received that way too. I usually say something like “I’ve been single for awhile” (in a non discouraged way) and see how it goes from there. If more questions come up as to why, I stay focused on honesty. “I don’t know why, it just hasn’t worked out yet for me.” I sometimes wish I had a very colorful, dramatic dating history because somehow that seems more socially acceptable. But whatever relationship history you have, if you’re on a date with someone, it means you’re both single and looking to find a relationship. If a guy thinks I’m a weirdo for my long time single hood then he is not the guy for me. Sara talks about this in her book and how she had the conversation with her boyfriend. He was grateful that her circumstances led her to him. The right guy for you will feel the same way!
I agree with your entire post mariposa. Both in terms of remembering to look at the glass half-full and enjoying the freedom of being single. I also appreciate how being single has developed my ability to manage most scenarios on my own. I know more about replacing a toilet that I care to know but I’m also proud that I know it. 😊
