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Alisenj … your sentiment is wonderful but very idealistic. It would truly be wonderful if people in the dating world (especially in and around NYC where I am located) were not so judgemental and one could have hope that if one or two or three individuals “aren’t for them”, maybe number four or five could be. But I have to tell you that in my experience and in the experience of my male friends, this is just not the way things are … especially in the over 40 demographic.
So yes, it is always the best approach to be yourself, to be proud of who you are, to be happy with yourself and to just have the attitude that this person and that person just aren’t right for you. The harsh reality of the dating world, however, is that 95% of the people out there are very scared and are very judgemental and will reject you and toss you aside in a split second with very little cause. You can certainly maintain the very healthy attitude that you propose … and you may never meet someone because you will go from person to person and it is highly unlikely that you will find someone who “understands” this “taboo” of situations in dating where there is a lack of relationship experience. That is your choice and if it makes you happy, that is certainly all well and good. The other option … unfortunately made necessary by the harsh realities of the dating world … is if 95% of the people out there are likely to reject you, you have to figure out a way to make some adjustments to lower that percentage. There simply is no other option if being in a relationship is important to you.
This all of course is my opinion.
Quite honestly, mamey2422 … it wouldn’t deter me a bit. But I’m probably quite different from other people out there. Because I have been discounted so many times as good relationship material and given the third degree by so many people … I am more open than most. I’m in my 50s now, but I would love to have the opportunity to date someone in their 30s or 40s (well, maybe 30s would be a bit too young) who has little relationship experience. Maybe she … like I … would be more compassionate and understanding of each other in a relationship because of our experiences in life. Would I be concerned about her being a commitment phobe? Yes, and I would probably have a conversation with her about it (not on the first date but not too far down the road) and once I was comfortable with taking a risk, I’d do whatever I had to to make it work if I was attracted to her and she was a good person. Even if it meant going to a therapist together or having to take it slow or maybe even having to teach her sexually. Because truthfully, even two very sexually experienced people have to learn about each other sexually anyway.
I’m glad to hear that your friend found love. I too am at the point where I am ready to give up. I’m tired of expending the energy only to find that others aren’t willing to try at this point in life. Maybe it can still happen. We shall see.
Imagine being a guy in his 40s and having this same question posed on dates. Yes, for various reasons (and it’s not because I was a commitment phobe) I also didn’t do much dating or have much to talk about in the way of relationships at that point in my life. And there are some very good possible reasons … people have unfortunate emotional things happen to them early in life that take time to work through, people are abused when they are younger, people have parents or siblings that are disabled or ill and need constant care over years, etc etc etc.
I can’t bring much perspective to this as a woman. But as a guy, with all due respect to mamey2422, you just can’t be completely honest. There isn’t a choice. It’s a very very cruel world out there. People are just LOOKING for reasons to reject. Why? Because everyone is scared. And especially when you get into the divorce demographic of people in their 40s and 50s? They will look at you like you are from another planet if you tell them that you haven’t been married no less don’t have much relationship history. Yet, you can’t really make stuff up completely. Because sooner or later, unless you are very very sly … you will get caught without the right details.
What I think the best thing to do is is to try to deflect it. It doesn’t work all the time, but it worked for me once or twice. Something like “Well, there have been relationships and Lord knows there have been plenty of dates, just that there hasn’t been anything that’s worked out”. If they press further for more details (on a 1st date)? “There will be plenty of time to go into more detail if we decide to get to know each other better”. If they keep pressing, throw $20 down on the table and leave. Because that means they are not interested in getting to know YOU … it means that they have an agenda or that they are scared of their own shadow (which unfortunately most people in the 40s/50s demographic are).
It’s a shame that so many people just aren’t interested in taking risks and getting to know someone for what’s in their heart. They think they can minimize the risk of getting hurt by eliminating the very kind of person that is likely NOT to hurt them, while they may very well go out and find a person who’s been divorced once or twice … or in many relationships … and he/she may turn out to hurt them to the point of devistation because they are no better a risk.
My advice is to develop some type of script as a base that you can work with. Maybe not what I have suggested above, but something that you think may work. Speak to a therapist about it. And jump on it NOW while you still have some good opportunity. Once you get well into your 40s, it gets tougher and tougher.
