In American politics, the married heterosexual couple with children has been the gold standard of normalcy and virtue. They’re the people politicians address in their speeches, the ones they vow to fight for. If you exist outside this model, the nearly exclusive focus on these particular citizens can be profoundly alienating.

So it was exciting last week to see the Supreme Court recognize marriage equality for all. It seems we’re slowly moving past the one-size-fits-all model of family and adulthood.

But as The Washington Post’s Lisa Bonos and New York Magazine’s Rebecca Traister quickly noticed, the language Justice Kennedy used in the majority opinion also reveals that many old stereotypes persist: (more…)

Recently, Singular City editor Kim Calvert commented on the negative tone that many people take when writing about the single life, noting my work in particular. Calvert cited a recent newsletter of mine, in which I expressed my belief that our positive-thinking culture often makes people feel worse because it pressures them to deny their genuine feelings and paper them over with something more socially palatable. The newsletter also included links to some eHarmony Q&As about breakups and couple envy, as well as the Strangers podcast series “Love Hurts.”

In a Psychology Today post, Calvert said she thought I was encouraging singles to wallow in their misery. The fact that I answered questions from distressed readers suggested to Calvert that I was courting the attention of unhappy singles while ignoring the satisfied ones. (more…)

Dear Sara: I was involved with my ex-companion from 2007 to 2014. I loved her whole-heartedly the entire time. (She had acknowledged by telling me a few years back that she was lucky to have me). In June 2013 she wanted to end our relationship (not that she has someone else, nor had I cheated on her) due to us growing apart due to her insecurity. Her reason for splitting up was “irreconcilable differences.” Years ago I had been reminding her that all relationships involve “give and take,” not just one-sided. I practiced what I had been telling her: “She is No. 1 in my life and all others do not matter as much.” She was the opposite. She cares what others think and as a result, she would bend over backwards to please and make people love her. To balance her life, I was taken for granted and my feelings meant little to her.
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Do we only respect single women who have the power of refusal? Is it necessary for the single woman to prove her solo state is entirely a choice–in other words, that guys dig her? I contemplate these questions in a Dame Magazine essay, The Problem with “Cool” Single Women, which was also posted on Salon.

It was a good week. Minda Honey wrote a lovely essay in The Los Angeles Review of Books called Empty Beds, Empty Wombs: Life Beyond The Blueprint, and I was delighted to see It’s Not You included, along with Kate Bolick’s Spinster and my good pal Meghan Daum’s anthology Selfish, Shallow and Self-Absorbed.

Also, Briony Smith at FLARE published a smart and raw piece about being single called Why Being Single Sucks: What No One Wants to Talk About. I loved talking to Briony a couple of months ago was glad to find out she’s as charming in print as she is in person–and to see my friend Melanie Notkin, author of Otherhood, in the piece, too!

For including IT’S NOT YOU on these terrific lists:

Happy to be in such excellent company with Meghan Daum, Jen Doll, Diane Mapes, Kate Bolick, Rebecca Solnit, Elizabeth Gilbert, Karen Karbo and … Richard Yates!

Goodreads Good Minds Suggests: Meghan Daum’s Favorite Books About Living Life on Your Own Terms (Or What Happens When You Don’t) 

Bustle: 11 Literary Antidotes to Your Baby- and Wedding-Clogged Facebook Newsfeed

Dear Sara: I spent fourteen years with a woman, and afterwards she said it was only out of convenience and that she had found somebody else. I wasn’t very affectionate—you know, two jobs, but I loved her very much, and I can’t get her out of my head. How do I go forward?—A

Dear A: First, wow. That is a really hard thing to hear. It’s no surprise that you’re struggling to get past this.

But I’m glad you’re focused on moving forward. You have wisely recognized that much of the problem stems from a lot of pesky thoughts about your ex, thoughts that won’t leave your brain no matter how much you want them to.

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If you’re a single woman who has a brain and a backbone, you may suspect that these things are working against you in the dating arena. Maybe you read a dating guide that instructed you not to choose the restaurant or argue about politics. You need to let the man be the man! So hold off on the Yelp search and for heaven’s sake keep your opinions about Hillary Clinton to yourself!

Or maybe friends and family have gently suggested that you’re a tad too independent or intimidating. It’s not that they think that you shouldn’t have gotten that master’s degree or corporate-law job. Everybody’s super duper proud of what you’ve achieved! (more…)