Author Archives: Sara

First review of It’s Not You

So far so good … from Publishers Weekly

In this comforting love letter to single women, journalist Eckel tackles 27 common criticisms trotted out to unmarried ladies of a certain age—and sets each of those chestnuts on its ear. Advocating for the women who want to marry but haven’t yet found their match, the author picks apart clichéd observations such as “you’re too picky,” “you should have married that guy,” “you have low self-esteem,” and “you’re too desperate,” offering sensible responses for when these questions inevitably come up. Eckel sagely points out that “when you stop picking apart your personality and endlessly replaying the game tapes of your previous relationships, you clear a lot of mental space,” and she rationally discusses why each of these “truisms” are utterly wrong, funneling many through a Buddhist viewpoint while sharing her adventures with meditation and her own stories about dates gone wrong. Eckel also encourages women to examine what’s right with their lives, rather than what’s wrong—something very difficult to do when society is passing judgment, she acknowledges, but a necessary step nonetheless. A must for any single woman’s personal library, this book will lend hope to the millions of unattached women who want to believe love is on the horizon.

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How to unravel insulting gender stereotypes—talk to a few guys

You know how dating guides and … everything else portray woman as being obsessed with getting married and having kids, while men care mainly about their careers and their cars? You know, how the “having it all” debate has been nearly exclusively focused around women?

Well, someone finally got the brilliant idea to ask men how they feel about marriage and family, and this yielded some interesting results. This is the third year that Citi and LinkedIn have published the Today’s Professional Woman’s Report, but the first year they surveyed men, too. Here’s what they found:

When it comes to defining success, men place more emphasis on marriage and children: 79% of men equate “having it all” with being in a “strong, loving marriage” vs. only 66% of women who feel the same. And when it comes to kids, 86% of men factor children into their definition of success vs. 73% of women.

Women are more likely to say that marriage is not a necessary part of the equation: 25% of women think that being in a “strong, loving relationship” is all they need to have it all; marriage is not necessary. Only 14% of men agree.

Women are more concerned about work-life balance—flex time, family leave—which of course suggests that “having it all” is merely something men take for granted. “Maybe it’s not that men actually ‘want’ more, but that they expect more,” wrote Amanda Hess at Slate.

I agree. But I also hope that by bringing men into this conversation, we can start to unravel the stereotypes that insult both women and men—the ring-obsessed girlfriend, the commitment-adverse cad. Maybe we can start to see that, all things being equal, men and women want pretty much the same things—a good job, someone nice to come home to.

Of course, it could be true that women care less about marriage and family than men do. “All things being equal” is a pretty big caveat, so that’s something to work on, too.

 

 

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I guess I’m not the only one…

… who had a long period of being unattached. Since my Modern Love essay ran, more than 300 people from around the world have written to me or followed me on Twitter, and I can’t tally the number of people who have tweeted or posted the piece. I have heard from people in China, Brazil, Hungary, France and Australia. And the vast majority have said the same thing: This is my experience, too.
Some of the writers are now married, after many years of being alone, and other are still single. But I am amazed to learn just how many people all over the world have experienced the same feelings of shame and self-blame over their long-term singleness.

The good news for single readers: You no longer have to take my word for it. Many, many other women (and I’m sure guys too, but I’ve only heard this from women so far) have been solo for years and even decades and then suddenly–finally–met the guy who can’t believe his lucky stars to have HER.

So now that I know my experience isn’t original, I’ve been wondering why there is so little writing about it? People talk openly about their
alcoholism, depression, anorexia, sex addiction, etc. And yet, who besides widows of long and happy marriages, admits to being lonely? There is so much shame around it, and the craziest part is that loneliness is actually NOT a pathology. As University of Chicago neuroscientist John Cacioppo explains, “Feeling lonely from time to time is like feeling hungry or thirsty from time to time. It is part of being human.”

It really makes me happy to have so many people writing to me and commenting on this page. Here is to being human!

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oh, hey

Thank you to all the lovely people who have written me about my Modern Love piece this weekend. I am incredibly moved by your stories and your support. And thanks to all the folk in the Twitter/LinkedIn/Facebook-verse for the tweets and posts. At this writing the piece is #5 on the Times most emailed list–though unfortunately the feature is broken so it says some kind of Lebanese stew is kicking my butt. (Step off, Lebanese stew!)
So, to all the people who are feeling alone, you’re not alone. Thanks, Sara

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