After I asked readers to describe their feelings about the holidays, many expressed frustration. They wrote of nosey relatives who grilled them about their romantic lives, of being relegated to air mattresses while married siblings received guest-room accommodations, and of wanting to vaporize during New Year’s Eve kisses.
But perhaps the largest source of grief was the simple understanding that a time that is supposed to bring joy so often brings pain instead.
The holidays can have a time-lapse quality. You frequently hang out with people you see only once a year or so—cousins, uncles, high-school pals, family friends. As the years tick by, you notice that some very obvious things in their lives start changing, as gradually your peers begin bringing home partners and later children. This can make a single, childfree person feel like her life hasn’t budged.
Many readers also said that the holidays often make them feel like kids, as they’re still defined primarily as sons or daughters, rather than husband or wives, fathers or mothers.
I experienced all of those complicated emotions for many years, and it was hard. But I gradually came to see that my life was moving forward, just not in a way that was apparent at a holiday dining table. A short story I’d published in a literary magazine was not going to command the same attention as a family friend’s new baby; my solo trip to Thailand wasn’t going to garner as much conversation as a family wedding.
At first this frustrated me, but then I realized it was OK. I’d be back to my regular life soon enough. More importantly, if I wanted to feel like an adult, trying to get people to praise and acknowledge me was exactly the wrong way to do it.
In other words, I realized that having a spouse or a child is not the thing that makes a person a grown-up; putting other people’s needs ahead of your own is. And that impulse has nothing to do with your relationship status or whether or not you’re the official host of the event. All you have to do is shift the attention from yourself to others. For example:
- Listening to your great-aunt brag about her grandchildren
- Asking your grandfather about his childhood
- Picking up people at the airport
- Taking people’s coats
- Making sure everyone has a drink
- Doing the dishes
- Making the mashed potatoes
- Complimenting your cousin’s engagement ring
Some of these things might sound harder than others, and many are probably things you already do. But for me, that simple shift—thinking more about other people’s good time than my own—was transformative. It took both the pressure and the self-loathing away, as it’s very difficult to feel bad about yourself when you’re being good to others.
I also realized that self-consciousness is a form of self-absorption, since most of my dining companions weren’t sitting around wondering why I was single. They were wondering when it would be OK to ask for seconds, what kind of pie we were having, and whether or not they should get on the road before the snow hit.
I was lucky. I never dealt with obnoxious questions or people acting like I had a “disease,” as some readers have reported. If this is your situation, the challenge will probably be greater, but why not take it? The goal is not to change anyone else’s mind about you. The goal is to cultivate self-respect.
That’s not always easy, especially in a culture that is frequently very disrespectful to single people. But the principle behind it is quite simple: Think about the way a person you respect behaves, and then do that.
Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.
I have found that taking the Jackie Kennedy Onassis approach always works best. Shift the topic from yourself. People LOVE to talk about themselves!
I have 4 brothers and 1 sister. 3 of my brothers are divorced with kids. I have known their ex wives for many years and am very friendly with all of them (I didn’t divorce them – they did.)
I see myself as an independent adult who has made the best decisions possible for myself. I am single with no kids. I wish I had a great spouse, it would be great if I had children. That has yet to happen and it does not make me an inferior member of the family. I have been treated like a subpar member in the past, but I reject that notion. I am mature, live alone and pay my own bills. The family visit is not a referendum on my life – especially not from my divorced and/or childless siblings. What makes them experts? Nothing.
I just go, relax and enjoy myself and try to act like a civilized guest. If they are discourteous to me, I either go home or chalk it up to bad manners and go to the restroom or change the subject.
Being condescended to by family members who consider themselves superior is old and boring news to me. Been there, done that, don’t go there any more.
I am just as entitled to enjoy myself as everyone else in the room, partner it no partner, child or childless. It is bad manners and very ignorant to treat a single person – man or woman – in a subpar manner.
They are lucky to have me as a participating courteous guest. I try to act nice and expect the same in return.
I find that putting other people’s needs ahead of your own is not a good idea. There are families in which there are a couple of people who always do that which gives some others the room to be eternally selfish. It is good to give to people but one has to be careful not to give too much or give without getting in return.
I celebrated Christmas and New Year on my own. I had a difficult year and 2016 will probably be difficult as well. I don’t have the energy to celebrate whatsoever and certainly not in the presence of people who only use me as an audience for their self-centered stories.
You can give when your tank is full. Giving when it’s empty is a very bad idea, and that is something which I learnt after having been drained to often by people who were just using me for what I could give them but never wondered what they could mean to me. That’s also why I refused to volunteer. Let the people who have family, a partner, kids do that. They “have” and because they “have” they get even more. In the world of love and friendship that’s how it goes. You either have friends and a spouse or you have no spouse and no friends. Coupled people always get invited by other couples. When you are single they don’t invite you. The number is uneven and the women are afraid that the attractive single female friend will snatch her husband away (even though that is the last thing the friend thinks about).
This is just the way it goes after having observed it during the last 25 years.
I don’t doubt myself, I know I have a lot to offer. I also know that because I am an introvert, because I don’t like to flirt, because I am very independent (so not your typical giggly flattering woman – even though I am by all means attractive) I don’t get noticed or when I get noticed I don’t fit in. So my chances that there will ever be a guy who sees me and likes what he sees are extremely slim. Dating gurus will tell me that I have no game but the fact is that I don’t want to have a game. I just want to be me and loved for what I am. I still hope that will happen some day but I am not holding my breath. I have had high hopes for a very long time and now I just know that because I am who I am I just don’t do it for guys.