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Solidarity here. My younger brother just got married three weeks ago. I love his new wife and the wedding was so much fun, but also hard in its way. They’re 28/29 and all but one of their close friends have gotten engaged and/or married in the last 2 years, too. I wonder how it must be to go through a milestone like this at roughly the same time as your closest friends. I overhear them talking at parties about buying houses, staying away from Zika zones because what if they get pregnant, and I just feel so isolated, alone, and pathetic. I know it isn’t true but sometimes it’s so hard to feel like I haven’t missed the boat.
Oops, in the third paragraph above I meant to write above “who can communicate OPENLY with you,” not “only” (autocorrect).
It comes down to this: are you more afraid of being single than you are of ending up with the wrong person?
Whether or not you’re settling depends on what you want. If getting married and having lifetime companionship is your goal, you could do far worse than marrying a kind, successful, respectful man. If this type of companionship is preferable to you to being single, you’re not settling.
If your goal is to find the person you’re truly happy to be around, who can communicate only with you, and who will disappoint you occasionally but mainly is the person you simply can’t wait to see every day, then yes, you would be settling.
I was in an almost identical situation about a month ago. I, too, had been dating a guy for about three months and he was my first relationship after my headed-for-marriage boyfriend and I broke up 3 years ago (with many bad online dates in between!). Like your guy, he was successful, a good human being, and we had some common interests. Trouble was, after a while I realized there was nothing there on a deeper level. His idea of a fulfilling partnership was very different than mine.
I finally had to decide if I was going to make my choice based on fear or hope. I do fear not finding my special person, but what I fear MORE is what would eventually happen to me being with someone who makes me feel empty. It would have bred resentment, loneliness, and depression. Not only that, it would have hurt HIM. I don’t think it’s fair to either party to stay in a relationship you’re not excited about. They deserve to find someone who’s crazy about them, too.
I know this is hard and it’s easy to second-guess yourself. I only hope you’ll stay true to what you’re feeling. If your gut is telling you you’re lonely with him, listen. If your gut is telling you that you’re happier with him than without him, listen. Good luck.
The thing is, there are also many conventionally beautiful and thin single people out there. Modify your appearance if you want and if you feel it will improve your self-confidence, but do it for you and not your dating life.
I’ve lost a small but noticeable amount of weight over the past couple of years. I feel great and more confident, too. Did it do anything to improve my dating life? No. In fact it’s been extra hurtful when acquaintances and annoying relatives say things like “Oh wow, no one’s snapped you up yet? Even though you’ve lost weight?” As if it’s some sort of panacea.
Attraction is important, no doubt. But real connections aren’t about being shallow. I’ve watched my friends, many of whom are overweight and not conventionally beautiful, find long-lasting love and marriages. I’m happy for them, but it also eats at me because at some level I feel like I make sacrifices to look how I do and still haven’t found what I’m looking for.
Beachbum and LoneStar, I’m also struggling with the reality that I may be unable to bear children. I’m 33 and was recently diagnosed with endometriosis and diminished ovarian reserve. I am considering freezing my eggs but given my numbers, the specialists I saw predicted I’d have to do several rounds in order to get enough eggs to be considered “useful” down the line. I simply can’t afford that, not to mention I’m not sure I want to put my body through multiple rounds of hormones.
All this happened the same year several friends either got pregnant or had babies. It’s been tough to deal with. I have all the same fears you mentioned, plus I felt resentful that other women get news like this once they’re already married and have a spouse to lean on for support. It felt lousy sitting in the waiting room of the fertility clinic with my mom when everyone else was coupled up. Frankly, it also made me feel dried up and undesirable: it’s terrible to feel like part of my body is shutting down when I feel like other parts of my life are just beginning to flourish.
A few things have helped. Reading about infertility (and especially pieces from women who are going through it) showed me that it’s common enough that I eventually felt less “damaged.” Also, making a list of all the wonderful things about not having children was useful, not because I was trying to convince myself I didn’t want them after all, but simply to show that no matter what you do in life, you’re missing something else. I am friends with a couple who never wanted to have kids and they do things my friends with kids simply can’t. They also seem more in love and relaxed with one another than couples who have children, but I recognize that doesn’t mean kids = unhappiness, just that it’s easier to be romantic when you don’t have the pressures that come with kids.
Finally, after a lot of soul-searching and meditating, I realized that to me it was more important to be with the right man than to be a mom, even if waiting for the former means the latter can’t happen. Of course not everyone feels this way, and I think I still would be sad if I find out I really can’t conceive, but for me it was an important discovery that helped me relax and organize my priorities. I still fear how I’ll raise this with my next serious boyfriend. I’m not sure how it will go. But I have to trust that whoever it is will be mature enough to realize infertility is very common, and at least I know in advance of trying to get pregnant that it might be a challenge. My heart goes out to everyone struggling with this. It’s so tough.
Re: hanging out with friends with kids and hearing about them non-stop, I wish these moms could be more sensitive and not get so wrapped up in their own stuff that they can’t stop and consider that maybe, just maybe, their topic isn’t interesting to everyone. It’s basic manners, right? I’ve made a conscious decision to limit my time with the worst offenders.
I went to one speed dating event and met two guys at it, one of whom I ended up going on several dates with before realizing we weren’t right for each other. I prefer it to online dating in that it enables you to determine pretty quickly whether someone is even a little bit intriguing to you or not; there’s just nothing better than meeting in-person to determine chemistry. Mostly, not. I met 22 guys and only liked 3 of them. It was an intense two hours, but well worth the time.
