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It’s my first time posting and kind of hard to be so open with strangers, but so many of you do it so well so I’ll give it a try!
My struggle with the holidays isn’t about intrusive questions from family or people around the dinner table, it’s about getting through the holidays themselves. Thanksgiving and Christmas feel like annual, huge, painful reminders that my life isn’t what I want it to be. I do try to focus on the things I’m grateful for, like spending time with my family or with friends, but overall I’m overwhelmed with feelings about how I want so much to be cooking with a partner, having a family of my own (and family to me starts with a partner so it’s not children I’m longing for at this point), and creating my own family traditions. This is how I’ve felt every holiday season for the last few years. There was one Thanksgiving I was back with an ex but our day was tense and not what I wanted, and not long after I ended the relationship for the final time, so ultimately that was another reminder of how far I was from what I wanted. I’ve been single since then, for the last 2 years, and even though I was single for long periods of time in the past, it’s been the hardest two years because in the last 3 years is when I’ve really longed for a relationship and commitment and all that. Every holiday season seems to get harder.
And of course I feel like the only one who doesn’t have that. At work I’m surrounded by people who have either a partner or a partner+children. I’m 38 and the only woman older than 30 or 35 who’s not in a relationship or married. I’ve just recently been noticing this and thinking–it’s not just in my head! I really am all alone in my experience!
So do any of you have any advice for dealing with these kinds of feelings? I am trying to get into a daily meditation practice and be with my feelings, so I already know all about that and–of course–it’s hard! Like last year, this year I’m wishing I could just fast forward thru time to January 1!
