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I loved that sentence: “I get to choose to be a friend, a fling or nothing at all” !! There’s a lot of wisdom in that. That’s also something I’m trying to learn: to be the one who decides. But that’s not always easy when you get the attention and intimacy one craves so much. Then a little voice in my head says “this is so scarce, take as much as you can!” and also this thought that “this is as good as it gets anyway”.
When it comes to introspection, I would say I’m something of an expert in that, could also have something to do with studying psychology :D I also happen to have some very good very honest friends with whom I engage in gut-wrenching soulsearching. Which is great it can also be too much, when you always question yourself. But the key is being kind to oneself, as you said ;)
To sum this whole thing up, I guess I just have to accept the fact that finding someone might be harder for me than it is for others but that changing myself is just not worth it because I’m otherwise having a pretty good time :D
(PS: When I was younger I actually thought that getting along well with men would help me find someone. Boy was I wrong!
I also thought that being intellectual and having certain experience would help but I think that only helps guys. I think Miranda from SATC was definitely right with the apartment thing!)Dear Angel 88,
Thank you for your thoughts. And it did not sound condescending at all!
I think there might be some trouth to your observation. I do have difficulties telling guys what I really want and showing vulnerability – I blame my experiences.
But it’s definitely not the whole picture. I enjoy few things as much as stimulating intellectual conversation, I love getting to the core of things! And I do enjoy going out and having a few drinks and just having fun.
So I would say that I’m just always doing being myself (at least most of the time).The thing is that I don’t want want to not be myself, but I do have this feeling that it’s just never going to work, that no-one is ever going to fall in love with me.
The irony is that other than romantic relationships, I never have trouble finding friends, so I don’t seem to be completely terrible :D
Hi all,
sorry for not replying for such a long time! For some reason I didn’t get a notification via email that there were new posts and I was also very busy in the past weeks…
THANK YOU for your replies!! It means so much to me to hear from people experiencing a similar situation. It’s comforting to see that others are struggling with the same feelings.
And I see that there isn’t really a solution to this. But I think LoneStar’s way is a good one and pretty much the one I’ve been following. I do think that since no-one else is really looking out for me and my well-being, at least I should be. And if it’s too hard for me to do certain things or keep in touch with certain people, then that’s the way it is; that’s life, I guess. And I dare anyone in my situation to criticize me. Strangely, if a couple cannot have children, people have a lot of understanding if they have a hard time being with other couples who have children. Why can’t single people get the same kind of understanding? Could it be because finding a spouse is considered more in your own hands than the ability to have children?
Fortunately I’ve been very busy in the last few months, and this whole being single has not been so crushing. One reason is that I’ve found an awesome (single) friend whom I see very often and we text a lot, which makes all the difference in a new city. (On a side note: This kind of close friendship seems to be very much frowned upon once you’re an adult. For example one of my colleagues said that we spend too much time together. But that’s a different topic, maybe I’ll start a thread on that).
But then I get a message from my (younger) cousin inviting me to her wedding. And it’s like trauma: Everything is back, all the sadness and loneliness. And now I’m seriously considering not going to her wedding, something I thought before her brother’s wedding too. And honestly, I would have been happier if I had stayed home. In church I was battling tears all the time and later it was not really much better, with the guests to 90% consisting of couples. When I told my parents that I would rather stay home, my father said “But you can still be happy for other people!” And I think he really meant “should”. I bet he wouldn’t have said that to a couple who can’t have children. So do I really have to? I don’t think so. I refuse to force myself to try to be happy for others if I can’t.
When it comes to weddings, to me it also makes a difference whether the people getting married are really in my life and what we share. I would be happy to go to my best friends’ weddings. But why should I go torture myself for an entire day for someone who is not interested in my life (which is the case with my cousin), just because she is getting married? I just don’t see the point. I know that this is cynical, but I actually don’t care that she is getting married.
And finally: I hope you had/have a great Christmas despite everything! And wish you all a happy new year with many happy moments! :)
