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@courtney550 Your story resonated with me because I dated approximately 28 men over the course of a year, mostly through online dating, with the same results. It wasn’t because of anything I did wrong, but it honestly made me question myself, because I thought, “Wow, there must be something really wrong with me if I can’t make it work with 28 different guys!” I feel like throughout my life I’ve found it relatively easy to forge connections with family, coworkers, and friends. Intimacy comes easily to me. I’m good at relationships. Then why couldn’t I build connections with these men I met? That’s ultimately why I stopped online dating. It made me question myself, I became exhausted by the endless cycle, and I wasn’t really having a good time.
I’m curious how you’ve been meeting guys lately if you haven’t been online dating. Or maybe just taking a break from dating in general?
I’m glad the advice column was helpful! For me personally, if I felt like a prop in someone’s wedding, I just wouldn’t take part in it. But it’s entirely up to you. I think I’m just at a point in my life where I’m exhausted by bull**** and just can’t take it any more. Everyone has their limits. Maybe yours haven’t been reach yet, I don’t know.
The quote you mentioned gets to the heart of this issue — we’re all attached to the stories we tell about ourselves. Maybe in this case, you’re attached to the story that says you’re still single, your friend is getting married, and she’s neglecting you, and in a way, using you, as her bridesmaid. How can you reframe the story? If you’re going to commit to being in the wedding, how can you do so happily? For me, I’d just see it as a night to get all glammed up, hopefully get a little tipsy, and meet some new people.
@courtney550 Ask Polly published a column last week that very closely addresses what you’re feeling. She expresses a way forward far better than I ever could.
http://nymag.com/thecut/2017/04/ask-polly-now-that-were-in-our-30s-im-losing-my-friends.html
But on a very basic level, I completely relate to what you’re feeling. I’ve been a bridesmaid more than once. One of the women completely dropped me like a hot potato and moved cross country after the wedding and hasn’t kept in touch at all. It’s hard when you devote a lot of time and money and energy to celebrating a friend’s marriage, while you’re coping with your own loneliness. Furthermore, you feel like they don’t celebrate your own milestones. I bought 2 pieces of property at different times by the time I turned 30, and any housewarming gifts I’ve received go along the lines of this — a small vase, plastic plates and cups for my deck, etc. Or in most cases, no gift at all. It’s not that the gifts received aren’t appreciated, but people just don’t place the same value on this as they do celebrating your wedding. It’s not completely their fault. It’s our culture.
The best I can say is that if no one is willing to celebrate our successes, then you have to celebrate them yourself. When something is really important to you, share it with your friends. Be vulnerable with them and let them know when you’re hurting.
@mariposa I can relate to what you are expressing about trying to find a balance between just living your life and also devoting time to finding a partner. Part of the frustration of being single for an extended period time when you don’t want to be is that you feel you should be doing everything you can to change your circumstances. At least I feel that way. I imagine most of us do. So that means when days or weeks or even months go by when you’re just focused on your life and you’re not actively meeting new people, you feel you aren’t doing enough to find a partner.
The problem is that even if you use all the dating apps and go out on a lot of dates, that doesn’t necessarily bring you closer to finding a partner either. I know you’re not looking for solutions, but I can at least share a strategy that’s worked for me lately. I think about my life in the terms of the next 3 months. For me personally, I’ve decided to spend as much time outside as possible. I’ve joined some adult sports leagues. This is because I really love the sports I’ve decided to play, with the added benefit that I know I will meet new people. For my own sanity, I’ve abandoned online dating, yet again. Every weekend I have fun things planned — beer festivals, day trips, concerts, etc. I also have a fun vacation planned with a good friend at the end of this 3 month period.
At the end of that 3 month period I will re-evaluate things. Am I happy? Has it been a good 3 months? If I haven’t found someone to date, what other strategies can I use to potentially meet someone? What should I plan for the next 3 months in my life?
It’s hard to hold a balance. To live a full and happy life, while still putting yourself in situations where you might find a partner, while at the same time not letting it consume you.
I read both articles, and I have to say the one from Canada drove me a bit nuts. Especially this part: “Today, for many people, “adulthood” doesn’t begin until the age of 30. Their energy has been elsewhere … getting their education, their career established,” she said.
“They wake up maybe at 35 and go, ‘Oh shoot, I forgot I should have been looking for a guy or a girl because I want to have a kid.'”This attitude of “delaying adulthood” is actually a little insulting. I’ve been an adult all along. I’ve been developing my career and romantic relationships at the same time. It’s not all that difficult to work and date at the same time. I haven’t been putting one before the other. I didn’t wake up and saying “Whoops, forgot to have a baby!” I’ve been thinking about it the whole time. I’ve been dating the whole time. Most of the discussion on this topic lacks empathy. Women who want to have biological children and haven’t found a partner face this heartbreak every day. And it’s not their fault that it’s happened to them.
I think every person who feels like they’ve lost out on having a child has to come to a personal reckoning. For some, having a child with someone they are not in a relationship with might be a good solution. Others may have to accept the heartbreak and dream new dreams or live their lives in a way they never imagined. I’ve always just found that forcing things to happen that haven’t happened on their own hasn’t worked well for me. Accepting new paths and trying to find new ways to be happy has.
I mentioned this in another post, but there is almost nothing I do in my life that wouldn’t be better with a partner. I miss having a partner every single day. This is a bit of a “first world” problem, but I can relate to having an excess amount of time to myself when I’m not working, and having to find things to fill that time does feel daunting.
In my heart I feel I should be married with a child, and that would be the best use of my time. I’m sure there are many moms who kill for the amount of free time I have, but I’d also wager that their children are priceless to them and they’d never trade their lives for mine. Since the husband and child haven’t happened for me, I find other ways to fill my time. But starting and ending every day alone is just sad sometimes.
Honestly, screw the mantra of “You need to be happy alone.” I’ve done everything alone — traveling, buying property (twice), brokering business deals, fixing shit — and it’s not fun to do it alone. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy time by myself reading a book or indulging in my hobbies, but I truly don’t believe that most people are built to be alone. I’m so tired of this trite crap about needing to be happy alone before you can meet your partner. It’s perfectly fine to be UNhappy about being alone. There’s almost nothing in my life that wouldn’t be better with a partner, and I know this because I’ve spent extended periods being both partnered and alone. I know I can do it alone, I just don’t want to.
Oh boy, Courtney, can I relate! I too have a broken engagement in my not so distant past. In the past year since my breakup, I have been out with exactly 21 men, most of whom I met online. I decided to take a hiatus from online dating, but anyhow, that’s besides the point. All I can say is that I can relate to everything you’re going through. Broken engagements have their own special kind of sadness.
As far as settling goes — at the risk of sounding trite, I think these things just have a way of working out. In time you’ll probably figure out you just can’t make a go of it with this guy, but that might be revealed with more time. He seems a little slow to warm up, so this one might take longer to figure out. I think we’ve all dated our fair share of nice people who we’re just not quite sure about. One sure sign I always found when someone was wrong for me was, “Wow, he’s a nice guy, but he annoys the sh*t out of me.”
I just don’t ever think it’s okay to settle. It’s depriving the other person of finding someone who really is into him. And it’s creating your own prison. I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing, but it’s just how I feel about settling as a general concept.
SingingSteph, I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through regarding endometriosis and diminished ovarian reserve. That must be really hard. Although I have not faced that issue, I can relate to a lot of your concerns.
I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately about egg freezing and having a baby on my own. Of course, this is a very personal decision and everyone has to do what feels right for them. All I know is at this point, I am not okay with egg freezing or having a baby with a sperm donor. I can’t fathom having a baby with a stranger’s sperm. Like I said, I place no judgment on those who do it, but there is something quite unnatural about it to me. Besides, I think it would incredibly hard for a child to not know who his or her father is. I know people who don’t know their father due to various circumstances, and it’s never easy.
In a way, I feel it would be a little selfish of me to have a child just because I want to have a child, and deprive that child of the ability to know his or her father. I think there is something to be said for just going in the direction our life leads us, and not using science to intervene. We don’t all get what we want in life. Science might bring me a baby, but as of yet, science can’t bring me a husband. I’m really just trying to lean into acceptance rather than paying tens of thousands of dollars for invasive procedures.
Again, this is just my perspective. And I totally understand why others may feel differently.
I think about this every single day. I might end up alone forever. I might never be in another relationship again. If end up alone forever, what might that life look like? Where will I live? What will I do? How will I be happy? Right now I do lots of great things. I read lots of books and I travel and I go to the beach and I go out with friends. But it doesn’t really make me happy. And I wonder if life will always be like this and if it will ever change.
I wholeheartedly believe every person in this world should focus on how to be happy by themselves. But I also believe that human beings are not meant to be alone. We just aren’t. We are inherently social creatures. Most of us feel a biological urge to reproduce, to become parents. We’re intrinsically built this way. I would argue it is against human nature to be alone. In fact, sometimes it makes me a little angry that I have to think about being alone at all. I don’t think I should plan for or try to make sense of something that I feel is wrong!
I read an essay written by a woman in her late forties who is alone and never had the child she dreamed of. She said most women she knows derive meaning from their marriages and children. But in a way, it’s like they a got out of jail free card, because these women didn’t have to think about who they really are and what their lives really mean. I guess it’s somewhat “easy” to assign an incredible amount of meaning to your husband and children if you’re lucky enough to have them. They give you identity and purpose, and you never have to question it or think about it again.
I’ve questioned many times why it is I want a partner and a child so badly, and it’s not because I want to keep up with Jones’ or do the societally prescribed right thing. It’s because life is so much better when it’s shared, and when you enjoy emotional intimacy. It is really, really hard to live a life that is not in alignment with your greatest hopes and wishes. I feel a tremendous sense of lack. It goes against my instincts. Honestly, I’m not at a point where I can ever say that I’m okay with it. But I will try my best to live a good life alone, because that’s all I can do.
In my experience, it’s pretty much exactly as they show it movies. You talk to a person for approximately seven minutes and move on to the next until you’ve met every person of the opposite sex in the room. Most of the people won’t be a good match for you, but if there’s 1 or 2 who you like it’s worth it. I’ve been speed dating a few times over the years and have always gotten 1-2 real dates out of it each time. It’s more efficient than online dating because you can see if there’s chemistry in that 7 minute conversation.
I used to go through phases where I would make lists of potential places where I could meet men. Yes, Home Depot was on the list. But I realized it’s all BS. I should only be hanging out at Home Depot if I truly want to buy home improvement items. I just started to feel exhausted because I forced myself to go places and do things I wouldn’t ordinarily want to do.
Anyway, the list of places you could go is endless. What matters most is your mindset and willingness to talk to new people. I would say that I have had luck with speed dating, singles events (although be prepared for women to outnumber men), parties and bars.
I tried online dating and decided to stop, for all the typical reasons described above. But my main issue with online dating is that it’s a lot of work. If you’re active on these sites it becomes like a part time job, with very little pay off. And if you have a full time job which you don’t particularly like, who wants a part time job you can’t stand either? I also resent how dating coaches and websites make money off of lonely and vulnerable people. Even if some of these services are supposedly “free”, they are most definitely not.
Plus, the connections are very inorganic. I have just always clicked more with people I met naturally in real life. I keep reminding myself that for all of human history, people have managed to meet and marry without the help of a computer, even if they are older than 30.
Has anyone seen the movie “Bad Moms” with Mila Kunis which came out recently? I was invited to see it with a group of ladies. All of them are mothers except for me. Anyway, the movie had a lot of funny moments, but boy did it play into some awful stereotypes.
I have to say it is really difficult hearing these women I hang out with complain about their husband and children. Here are some comments from the women I went to see that movie with:
— “My husband cooks dinner almost every night and I can’t stand what he makes” — elicited no sympathy from any of the other women
— “You’re so lucky you don’t have someone you have to cook for” — directed towards me
— “Ugh, my three year old woke me and my husband up so early by crawling into bed with us. See what you’re missing out on?” — an attempt at humor to make me realize having kids isn’t all that great, I guess.
— “My mother tells me I’m lucky I married such a great guy. I told her it’s not luck, I just made good choices.” –felt like a stab in the heart to meThe thing is, I know none of these comments are purposefully hurtful, so I take them all with a grain of salt. But it does really make me realize how I want to hang out with women who are a little more sensitive. Believe me, I would love to cook for a man again. I miss it with all my heart. The women who complain about their husbands snoring — I used to take comfort in my ex’s snoring and fall asleep to it. And good God if my three year old woke up and my husband and I early to crawl into bed with us, my heart would explode. I wake up early naturally anyway every morning because my mind is so troubled by loneliness lately.
Just as there are many unattractive women in the world, there are unattractive men in equal numbers. I think every one has their match in terms of levels of physical attractiveness. Like generally attracts like. I could see how feeling like you’re unattractive could impact your confidence and self-esteem, which could make dating and meeting people harder.
