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Eldogg, thank you. The problem is that sometimes, people are just shy. I for example. I am not good at making eye contact for flirting purposes. Plus, we all have our defense systems, pretending to ignore other people may sometimes be just a way of dealing with your inner turmoil, I generally do that when I am attracted to somebody, it’s like my feelings are too powerful to handle or something…Otherwise, with men whom I consider just nice and nothing else I am perfectly able to talk and have a meaningful conversation. I know it is annoying to be given the cold shoulder, the problem is there is no way of knowing when people reject us because they don’t like us and when they do it because there is deeper thing going on…
Eldogg, please, can you explain a bit what you mean by a lot of effort ? Make an effort to improve oneself ? To provide yourself with opportunities to meet somebody ? Something else ?To be honest, I for one, started to believe that finding love is more a matter of chance than anything else. Or perhaps we should try to define “love” ? Where does “love” end and where does “compromise” begin ? After constantly trying to become better and after living years of a rich social life without finding the one I am looking for, I got tired. I’ve been oscillating for so long between “let it happen” and ” make it happen” that now I am starting to believe that this is it, some of us just aren’t meant to be in a relationship. On the other hand, maybe there is another perspective on this ? Maybe I am missing one important point about dating ? In fact that’s why I joined this forum, in an attempt to find other perspectives.
Thank you, eldogg, for your answer, I agree that my post was very vague, but last night I was really annoyed and I probably needed to vent. I know what you mean about being considered a trustworthy person, I have plenty of relatives and friends who I appreciate the way I engage with their children, plus my professional life entails working with people and sometimes with children,so I am pretty comfortable around them and they around me.. The problem stated in my previous post is probably just a case of being given the cold shoulder, a family feud, which has also affected my relationship with the children of the respective adults. Anyway, the idea is that I cannot be myself with the children when the parents are around and I really don’t feel like fighting for the attention and the care of these children although we are very close kin, and that is really, really frustrating and sad :(
Dear Lurline, you are so young !But I still relate to everything you have said, when I was your age I had almost the same issues you have and I still have them now. While I agree with eldogg about getting some help sooner rather than later, I also advise you to be careful whom you choose as your therapist/coach/mentor etc. and how deep you go into this self-development thing. As someone who went into therapy for two years due to a tragic event I went through at a certain point in my life, I can tell you that psychology and psychologists can do you good but also a lot of harm. While in the beginning you may find that therapy is changing you into a better, more profound person (and indeed it does), as the time passes it may leave you with some scars, such as a grimmer outlook on life, constant rumination, helplessness in the face of the harsh world we live in, inability to relate to more mundane issues etc. This is something that happened to me and I have seen it in other people around me as well, so I don’t think it was just my case. In fact, there are books and blogs written by ex-patients and ex-therapists who explain the negative effects that therapy had on them ( either bad therapist or bad therapy or staying too long in therapy). Watch out for the manipulative types of doctors! For those who tend to impose their side of the truth, for those who tend to solve their own issues at your expense. That being said, I would advise you to seek help, if you feel like doing it, but with caution and if you feel something is not right, have the power to give up therapy and seek help elsewhere.
Mariposa, I also relate to the fact that friends who complain about marriage and motherhood seem very annoying to me because they don’t know what it is like to be without a family…But what I find even worse is the fact that their complaints have somehow robbed me of the hope ( illusion?) that marriage and motherhood are worth hoping for…I mean I already have 5 or 6 divorced friends and the rest of them tell me how difficult it is to be attached. While I can totally understand marriage can be indeed a struggle, I also feel at times like I have divorced three times and now I am deprived of any energy and optimism… It is weird, it’s like being one of those therapist traumatized by the dramatic stories of others….
Dear ZoeLove,
I’ve been struggling with this for two years now, and I totally know how it feels. Actually, I think I have been suffering from depression since last year I realized that indeed I may not have the chance to experiment motherhood for which I have been preparing so long. It is especially frustrating when I look around and see how many uneducated/frustrated/aggressive/or simply ignorant people have children and they seem to ruin their children’s potential because they don’t know better. I am not saying I would be a better mother, God knows I would make my share of mistakes, but still…I totally relate to your feelings, especially when people look at me in a strange way as if the fact that I am childless prevents me from having opinions/feelings /wishes related to children. I feel like I am never allowed to say anything, as if I were inferior or something. And yet, the fact that I am childless has nothing to do with my potential to notice things that go wrong.
What is worse is the fact that I work in a community where there are a lot of childless/unmarried women of all ages. It saddens me so to see what frustration has done to them…. I know now that this lack of fulfillment may turn you into a really sad/bad person…I think that from now on this should be my fight: if I don’t get what I have been hoping for for so long, at least I should pay attention not to let my sadness poison other people…still preserve some dignity.Dear all,
Thank you for your thoughtful and kind replies. It is indeed a relief to exchange opinions and to have different perspectives, sometimes I just feel I am going round a never ending circle, talking with my other single friends, we never reach any conclusion. I am just wondering why some people can find somebody to be with very soon after they break up and for others it takes years to do that…or never. Apart from social circumstances and the level of sensitivity one has, could it be the fact that some people just have it innately and unconsciously do what ever it takes to find somebody ? I for example I am pretty independent, to be honest, could that be an impediment (at a psychological level, I mean)? Should I be needier or something ? And can one still love after a certain age, I wonder ? Sometimes it just seems love is a thing specific to youth, the same way in which going to the disco or wearing teen clothes is…
