… who had a long period of being unattached. Since my Modern Love essay ran, more than 300 people from around the world have written to me or followed me on Twitter, and I can’t tally the number of people who have tweeted or posted the piece. I have heard from people in China, Brazil, Hungary, France and Australia. And the vast majority have said the same thing: This is my experience, too.
Some of the writers are now married, after many years of being alone, and other are still single. But I am amazed to learn just how many people all over the world have experienced the same feelings of shame and self-blame over their long-term singleness.
The good news for single readers: You no longer have to take my word for it. Many, many other women (and I’m sure guys too, but I’ve only heard this from women so far) have been solo for years and even decades and then suddenly–finally–met the guy who can’t believe his lucky stars to have HER.
So now that I know my experience isn’t original, I’ve been wondering why there is so little writing about it? People talk openly about their
alcoholism, depression, anorexia, sex addiction, etc. And yet, who besides widows of long and happy marriages, admits to being lonely? There is so much shame around it, and the craziest part is that loneliness is actually NOT a pathology. As University of Chicago neuroscientist John Cacioppo explains, “Feeling lonely from time to time is like feeling hungry or thirsty from time to time. It is part of being human.”
It really makes me happy to have so many people writing to me and commenting on this page. Here is to being human!
My friend and I were just discussing your article again tonight. Both of us have it bookmarked for the moments we feel totally alone as single women. Like Kathyrn said, it’s so easy to dwell on “why,” both because others ask (or imply) it and because we ask it ourselves. There’s also a structural element — society normalizes marriage and creates a “marriage privilege” that operates much like white privilege in which married people assume they worked hard to reach their state (rather than being the beneficiaries of luck) and thus assume that their single friends merely need to “work harder.” And yet so much about finding a partner is luck, is basically magic, and not about working harder. If it’s related to work, it’s about working hard not to feel demoralized by the absence of luck. So this is all to say that a blog, a forum, more writing about this in a honest, sensitive way would be delightful!
Hi, thanks for writing. Yes, I agree that dwelling on ‘why’ is pointless, and frustrating because we assume in our culture that there is no such thing as luck, that everything is a result of hard work or character. Which, if you are a person who has ever thought about anything ever, you know is incredibly naive.
I’m 28 and have never been in a relationship. I have been on a handful of internet dates most and have never been asked out on a date in real life. No one has ever asked me for my number. I have many close straight male friends (all in relationships), so I’m not entirely socially inept when it comes to the opposite sex. I am very picky though and I am not exactly the best flirt. I’ve never been pursued by anyone (except for a sex addict with low standards, but that’s another story).
My whole life I’ve questioned what is wrong with me, beating myself up for being too ugly/too fat/too stupid/too neurotic/too boring. My self-esteem is pretty much non-existant, and it especially gets a beating when I’m in a social situation where everyone in the group is in a relationship. I find myself looking at couples to evaluate the female’s relative attractiveness to mine, using it as a measure to assess my chances of ever finding anyone attracted to me. I have been told that I am cute (though pudgy). Not a beauty, but not horrendeous (depending on how many drinks I’ve had). Though my friends say I have plenty to offer (but doesn’t everyone?), I have an abundance of self-hate because of my situation and I have held it as shameful secret only known to a few close friends and therapists. It never did occur to me, until I read this, that loneliness is something that is not talked about as openly as other more deliberating conditions.
Your article is the first piece of advice I’ve read (or listened to – thank you useless therapist!) that has made sense to me. Thank you for not dispensing trite advice like “be confident” (I know people less confident than me who are in relationships) or “it will happen when you least expect it” (never true). Perhaps some people are just luckier in love and I should stop beating myself up. I’m perfectly content with my life otherwise!
Thank you for writing this article.
Thanks so much for sharing that. I haven’t written about this much, haven’t quite figured out how, but the thing that has helped me more than anything else is meditation and Buddhist philosophy. I don’t have any religious beliefs, so I’m not trying to convert anyone to anything, I have just found this philosophy extraordinarily helpful in dealing with all those feelings of self-doubt. Instead of original sin, the Buddhists believe in the basic goodness of everyone. The metaphor they used is a golden statue buried in mud. Even though it’s covered up with crap, it is no less valuable–it’s just a matter of getting rid of the crap. I study the Shambhala lineage and there are Shambhala centers all over the country, but there are also many others places to learn meditation. Also, check out the writings of Pema Chodron and a book by Kristin Neff called Self-Compassion. Cheers, Sara
I keep referring back to your article when I feel particularly hopeless. I’m 28, and happen to be part of a demographic that the media seems to keep singling out as doomed to be alone (educated black women). I have believed everything you stated (that a lot of relationships involve luck, that there is nothing wrong with me, and so on), but things can be bleak at times – especially on valentine’s day(!) Thanks for telling me I’m not alone.
“…I have plenty to offer (but doesn’t everyone?)..” — Though I was moved by the previous commenter’s response in general, it was that specific sentiment that made me take pause. What a tellingly lovely sentiment!
Totally agree!
I love the following article as well: http://www.yourtango.com/200914986/5-things-single-women-hate-hear/page/2
Interesting read. As a man who hasn’t been on a date in over eight years (my own decision), I must say that I enjoy the absence of chaos, arguments, going to events I don’t want to attend, listening to daily stories about the abusive boss or backstabbing friends – it’s not worth it. I just can’t tolerate the bad stuff. Flying solo is fun.
Hi JT, Yeah, I think a lot of people feel as you do. Of course, there is no one right way to be, just a matter of figuring out what works best for us. Cheers, Sara
So true Sara..loneliness seems to be the hardest word. I think part of the issue is that unmarried or unattached women above 35 are somehow deemed to have “failed” somehow and so we try to develop a stiff upper lip and pretend being unattached doesn’t really bother us, lest we end up being pitied by our “more fortunate” married sisters. My list of single 30-something female friends has been shrinking rapidly over the past few years and sometimes it’s so hard to find a kindred spirit who “gets it” or not have to compete with a toddler for your friend’s attention. I’ve been following the comments on your website and it made me think how great it would be to have an online forum where single women could post insights, gripes or just vent, etc Maybe we could inspire each other, share a laugh and give each other some much-needed perspective (the way your fabulous article did!).
Nisha, I think that’s a great idea! I’m still new to this whole blogging thang, but I will give some thought to putting something like that together. And happy to take suggestions. Cheers, Sara
JT Smith, nothing wrong with men posting here but just like William Bell who commented an another blog, you don’t get it. We DO want to have some chaos and arguments, and go to an event just because our partner likes it (and then come to the conclusion that we actually start to like it), and we DO want to listen to his daily stories or have him listen to ours. Because that is what love and sharing your life with someone is all about.And probably a lot of us have come across a cold, heartless man like you and tried for too long to make him give us some warmth and empathy, only to conclude that there are apparently people who see others and their feelings as a nuisance…
Sara,
What a HUGE relief reading this article was. When does the book come out? The points you have made are so true. And of course I have my own to add ( for eg, if you are really pretty or attractive , and you are not married, you get questioned even more) I found your article via a short article in the Tribune and I am so happy I did. You certainly give hope and I can’t wait for the book!
Kattalina,Thanks so much for writing. I’m so glad I was able to provide some relief! I will definitely let you know about the book. Cheers, Sara
Three cheers for you, Sara!!! I loved reading your Modern Love essay.
Thank you! Sara
Several years back after I had many, many decades of singledome I bought and read the book; ‘Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics”, it may have something to say to singles (and non-singles as well).
Yes, I love Quirkyalone. I remembering reading it years ago. and thinking I’d never seen anything that so precisely describes my experience. Thanks, Marian. Sara
I agree with Sara, the books by Pema Choudron are great. She writes: “fixing yourself is not helpful”. It’s taken me awhile to really believe that. And I have to believe that all of the self help books, all of the beauty makeovers and wardrobe transformations we see in the media only further reinforce our feelings of inadequacy and our thinking that we need to be fixed in order to be coupled. Men don’t think that way! They are just fine with their pot bellies! We should be, too.
So true!
Hi Sara, This definitely needs to be said. i made my boyfriend (first in 10 years) read it so he could see where I was coming from. You really took the words right out of my mouth. We both loved it and exclaimed ‘exactly!!’ several times. I so wish you had written it two years ago when I was single and wondering what was wrong me, and am so glad to hear that you’re doing a book. It’s a topic that needs to be explored and much more widely discussed. Best Wishes, Medine
Medine, Thanks so much. I’m really glad to hear you think this topic needs more exploration. I agree! Sara
Finding this has been rather like finding an oasis in the desert. I’m 33 and I’ve been single for eight-and-a-half years. I’m constantly subjected to the ‘Why’ question. In turn I then spend most of the time beating myself up about it and feeling bad when I should be relaxing or focussing on myself. My pool of friends in the same position is very rapidly shrinking and I struggle sometimes to deal with the panic that rises when I think about ‘being alone forever’. It is crazy really as I have a great job, lovely family and friends and a full and interesting life, it just never seems to be enough (both for me and for everyone else) unless I’ve got the man as well. It is nice to know there’s others out there too. A forum or site dedicated to this would be ace!
Kathryn,Thanks so much for writing. And you’re right. it would be great to do a forum here … stil have to figure out how to do that. I’m fairly new to this blogging thang, but I’m figuring it out. Thanks so much for writing, and yeah it’s amazing how we spend so much time beating ourselves up when it doesn’t do any good! Best, Sara
My friend and I were just discussing your article again tonight. Both of us have it bookmarked for the moments we feel totally alone as single women. Like Kathyrn said, it’s so easy to dwell on “why,” both because others ask (or imply) it and because we ask it ourselves. There’s also a structural element — society normalizes marriage and creates a “marriage privilege” that operates much like white privilege in which married people assume they worked hard to reach their state (rather than being the beneficiaries of luck) and thus assume that their single friends merely need to “work harder.” And yet so much about finding a partner is luck, is basically magic, and not about working harder. If it’s related to work, it’s about working hard not to feel demoralized by the absence of luck. So this is all to say that a blog, a forum, more writing about this in a honest, sensitive way would be delightful!
I’m so grateful that I came upon your article this morning, as I was entering a mood closely mirroring what you described in your article (examining my single status, questioning “what’s wrong with me”, etc). I’m 28, and haven’t been in a long-term relationship for about 5 years. I have a lot of single friends, so while I do get lonely, I definitely have lots of great people to spend my time with. But there is a relateability to your experience, and to the outpouring of responses you’ve gotten that is really rare for me. Although I have lots of single friends, most of them have not had my experience of being single for well, the majority of my adult life! They are single because they’ve just gotten out of a serious relationship, or are in between relationships… it’s temporary for them. This is what made your article incredibly profound and comforting for me- knowing that there are so many others out there who share my experience. The point you brought up about the relative stigma to this issue as compared to other issues like depression, alcoholism, etc. is spot on. I think this is why it is so difficult and isolating sometimes to be in this situation. Your words speak a truth that I know deep within my heart, but am often times unable to fully realize. I could go on and on about everything I loved about your article. Thank you so so much for writing it, and I’m looking forward to your book!
Thanks so much for writing. And yes, I am also continually amazed to realize how many people share or have shared this experience. Wishing you all good things, Sara
Came across your article and it was a moment of zen. Sun shining through a cloudy day, angel choirs singing, the whole cheesy bit :) Thank you for putting into perfect words what I feel. Reading your article, repeatedly in moments of self-questioning or doubt, helps me feel a million times better. Being patient, enjoying life as a singleton and learning lessons along the way in the hopeful eventuality of meeting the right guy one day….
Hi Sara, I read your article in 2011 after moving to a new city and in hopes to find love ever lasting. Instead, I’m still single and turning 33. I am looking forward to your book. I think that your article did reflect that finding love and keeping it ie getting married, is a destiny or in Arabic “Naseeb” Above, you and a few readers agreed that it appears to be some form of luck. That as a person, you may not really change, it’s just waiting for the right person who also wants to make the commitment too to finally come along and make the commitment with you. But despite all that you are saying and all the reason why “it’s not you,” I wonder if in your book you also discuss that possibly society is at fault here. That the single hood phenomenon portrayed in the US is creating this sort of loneliness in society. That being single is a better life to lead, it’s more exciting and no strings attached!
Also the feminism movement may have a role to play, but I don’t think that me struggling to have a career to feed myself is a bad thing. The older generations often blame me for being too smart, that I do having a good career makes guys intimidated by me for the career, being too pretty may make guys shy away, or being too nice make guys not like you as much. There is another book out: “why men marry bitches.” saying that a girl has to be coy and aggressive to get the man she wants, and yet that is “just not me” to act that way. Just like your article, I hope your book is one that will make every girl be more accepting of herself and stop having to blame herself for being single. In regards to the gentleman writing being single by choice, many women don’t want to be single by choice. Women by nature, want to have a family, feel loved and give love. If you are the guy that is single by choice because a one night stand is all you ever need… This forum may not be your place.
Yes, absolutely. The message of my book is that you should just be who you are and not let society tell you that you need to be “more this” or “less that” to find love. Cheers, Sara