Whenever people ask Buddhist teacher Lodro Rinzler to talk about love and romance, he asks them a simple question: “When you go on a date, do you bring your most authentic self?”
“Ninety percent of the time, the answer is ‘Hell, no,’” Rinzler writes in How To Love Yourself (And Sometimes Other People): Spiritual Advice For Modern Relationships, which he co-authored with Christian spiritual teacher Meggan Watterson. (more…)
No comments yetHarvard Business School might not seem like a likely place to find dating advice, but a recently published working paper has good insights for anyone wishing to perform well under pressure.
The study, which I learned about from the Science of Us blog, shows that people who receive positive feedback before undertaking a stressful task were calmer, more creative, and made a better impression than those who did not.
No comments yetDear Sara: A few months back, I was at a friend’s party and met a guy who, it turns out, I met last year at the same friend’s party. We met very briefly and he made a great impression on me but I was feeling totally introverted and sort of scampered away from him. When we met this time, I was pretty determined to see if there was something there, and he was apparently on the same page (“I heard you talking about liking board games; we should play some time!”). So, we’ve been dating for a few weeks now and I feel ludicrously happy.
But that happiness is tainted with a sort of general relationship anxiety. I feel like that’s not spoken to very frequently–it’s like, either you’re single and going on terrible dates and making fun of them with your friends, or you’re in a relationship and things are figured out. For someone who’s been single for years, I feel this added pressure that this might be the end of the road, and I better not screw this up! So I better not be too much myself and instead parcel out my “quirks” lest he run terrified off into the night. As someone who’s not used to being in a relationship, how do I get over the intense pressure I’m putting on myself now that I’m dating a person I see a future with? — R
No comments yetDear Sara: I recently met a guy on a dating app, and we had an online thing going on for about two months. Despite our distance [we live on different continents], we talked every single day, almost non-stop through text, phone calls and Skype. I tried (not very hard though, I must admit) to slow things down but was won over by his open-heartedness and sweet words.
We recently had a sort of fight and he seems to have disappeared on me. I’m devastated, because this is not the first time a guy has disappeared on me just as things seemed to be taking off. My question is: how do I trust my feelings and intuition when this keeps happening to me? Whether I am reckless or cautious with my feelings, it seems like I still end up getting really hurt. Will I ever become a “smarter” dater? Is there ever a “correct” way to love somebody? — L (more…)
No comments yetI’m looking forward to visiting Chicago next month for two events. If you’re in the area, stop by:
Oct. 8, 2015. 11 a.m. Chicago Professional Women’s Network’s Annual Smart Chicks Lunch panel discussion. Balagio Ristorante, 17501 Dixie Hwy, Homewood, Illinois 60430.
Oct. 8, 2015, 6:30 pm. With Jenniffer Weigel: Reading at City Lit Books, 2523 N Kedzie Blvd, Chicago, IL 60647
No comments yetWhen I was single, smug married people drove me nuts. Then I became one.
A few years ago, a friend told me she was worried that she’d never find a partner. She had been single for a long time and didn’t see much chance that this would change.
“You’ll find someone,” I said. “I just know it.”
She shot me a deadly look. “Do you know how many people have told me that?”
I apologized immediately, embarrassed by the asinine comment. I had been single throughout my 20s and 30s, and always hated know-it-all proclamations from coupled friends. Now here I was, uttering the same words that pissed me off so many years ago. It was easy, I realized, to become the smug-married enemy.
Read the rest of the piece here.
No comments yetDear Sara: What goes on psychologically that causes people to brag about their relationships and then chastise single friends for wanting the same thing? I’ve read studies before saying that happiness actually causes selfishness, and that if you’re down, it’s best not to talk to a friend who’s very happy with their life because they’re too far removed to be sympathetic.
I was talking to a girlfriend the other night who just got married and was going on about how happy she is, and how she feels like her life has finally started (at 27). She knows I’m older, have been single and have had my heart broken over and over for a very long time. But her attitude towards me: Well, God would never give you more than you can bear. WT-?! (more…)
1 commentDear Sara: I read an article you wrote [about being single for a very long time] last year while house-sitting a married friend’s cats–as only a single girl can do! Then I ordered your book. I have read EVERY SINGLE book on the market on “What was wrong with me?” Well no more! Your book made me realize for the first time in my life that I am fine as I am.
I was just wondering though–what about those of us unmarried girls who DON’T have a career as such or tons of great girlfriends? I related to everything you said, except when you talked about your career (which sounds so good!) and you have ALL those nice friends to have dinner with AND they listen to you! The few friends I have, I DO NOT share anything about ‘my situation’ with because they just pity me (or plainly just don’t care). So that’s a whole other level of failure for me to think about! No man AND no career or many friends! Have you heard from many of ‘these’ girls? —C
2 commentsUntil recently, the image we associated with the word “spinster” was fairly universal: a bottled-up woman in a high-neck shirt, hair pulled into a tight bun. So it was a good sign of progress when the term was discarded and replaced with “single woman.” With an interesting career, great apartment and lots of cocktail-party invitations, this new archetype enjoyed a life of freedom and fun, even if she sometimes imbibed a few too many cosmo-tinis.
Now author Kate Bolick is attempting to revive the more antiquated term. In her new book, Spinster: Making a Life of One’s Own, Bolick writes of her “spinster wish” that was inspired by five strong-willed women writers of the past, including poet Edna St. Vincent Millay and New Yorker columnist Maeve Brennan. Though none were lifelong spinsters, their lives are characterized by both gravitas and independence, making them an inspiring contrast to all the old stereotypes.
Bolick writes about spinsterdom as a firm choice. She and her muses not only have interesting careers and the means to support themselves, they also have the power of refusal with men—these women could have married, but they chose a different path. But for many singles, it’s a bit more complicated than that. (more…)
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