After being unattached for 11 years, Sue had just started dating someone who had a lot of relationship experience, and she was embarrassed by her thin relationship resume. “How do I let go my feelings of inadequacy?” she asked author Sasha Cagen and I in a recent webcast.

Sue had a classic case of single shame, something Cagen and I understood well. I was single for most of my twenties and thirties, and always hedged when asked the dreaded question, “How long has it been since your last relationship?” Cagen, the author of Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics, recalls the time she told a man that her longest relationship had been nine months.

“It took me about half an hour to get it out. It was this crazy, painful thing,” Cagen said.
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Lose weight. Whiten your teeth. Work those abs. Cover your gray. And for goodness sake, put on a little lipstick!

When you’re dating, the pressure to measure up to the beauty standard prescribed by magazines, advertisements and celebrity info-tainment programs can feel pretty relentless.

Sure we all want to look our best, and there is a lot to be said for making an effort. Taking the time to iron your dress or tuck in your shirt is a gesture of courtesy and respect to yourself and others. But at certain point, you have to look in the mirror and say, “This is what I’ve got, folks. Take it or leave it.” Because no matter how much time and money you devote to exercise, hair care and clothes shopping, you’re still left looking pretty much like … you.
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As a wedding guest, I set myself to single-woman cruise control. You can’t let a wedding get to you — you have to glide through in a swingy dress and newly retouched highlights; you need to be prepared with tales of your exciting career and happy-slappy dating antics.

But during the ceremony, safely tucked in the adoring crowd, I allowed more complicated emotions in. I watched very hard as the misty-eyed couple gazed at each other with that intoxicating mix of overwhelming emotion and utter certainty. Yes, the rest of our life: Let’s go.
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I’m looking forward to my reading at the Hartford Public Library. If you’re in town, please stop by!

At first, things were amazing — dates that lasted fourteen hours, a constant string of flirty emails and texts. You discussed what your kids would look like and whether or not you’d both be happy living in Albuquerque. The dude was seriously into you. Until he wasn’t. Suddenly communication ceased. He was “busy with work” or “had a lot of stuff going on” or, worse, offered nothing but radio silence.

So you did what you had to do. You cried. You complained to your friends. You binged-watched Orange Is The New Black and reminded yourself that at least you’re not in a minimum-security prison for a youthful indiscretion you committed ten years ago. And after some time, you started to feel better and even began wondering what you ever saw in that jerk.

And then it comes: The ping ping of your phone: “Sorry I disappeared. Work was crazy. What are you up to tonight?”
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At a bookstore cafe in Boston, a woman in the audience had a question for me, the evening’s designated dating guru. There was something she didn’t want the men she dated to know about her. How long should she hide it?

I sat on a high stool in front of the room, microphone in hand, blinking. My book, It’s Not You, isn’t a dating guide per se, but it’s about being single and it’s very personal, so I often find myself in advice-lady mode. It’s something I’m still getting used to.
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It was a treat to be interviewed by Madeleine Brand on KCRW in Los Angeles yesterday. We talked about The Princeton Mom, fake marriage crises and the many other ways the culture makes single women feel lousy–and ignores all the good news.

I’ll be reading at Book Soup in LA on Friday May 23 (tomorrow!) at 7:30, with an after-party at State Social House.

Madeleine Brand on KCRW in Los Angeles [at 12:27] :

Dear LA friends,

Singular City is hosting a reading and book party for me at Book Soup on Friday, May 23 at 7:30 pm. 8818 Sunset Blvd. West Hollywood, CA 90069,

Afterwards, we’ll head one block east to State Social House for cocktails and snacks–8782 Sunset Blvd.

You can find details here.

Hope to see you!
Sara

Thanks to Beth O’Donnell, Kristie Bergie and all the cool women who came to my event at Rembrandt’s in Philadelphia last Thursday. It was a lovely party and I made a lot of new friends who somehow felt like old friends. Also, got to do a fun interview on Good Day Philadelphia.

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