Several years ago, I was dining out with a friend when he asked about my love life. I confessed there was nothing to report—I hadn’t dated anyone in ages. So he did the thing people do when confronted with a person who is single-not-by-choice. He asked what the problem was.

If you’re a romantically unattached person who’d prefer not to be, you’ve probably had some form of this conversation: the earnest, well-intentioned attempt by a friend or family member to solve the riddle of you. Are you afraid of intimacy? Do you have low self-esteem? Are you so self-sufficient you’re not leaving any room for love? Or are you so desperate to find a partner that your raging neediness is repelling all prospects?

On this particular night, I had been on my own for about six years, and I was fed up with these kinds of questions.
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If you haven’t been listening to Lea Thau’s amazing series “Love Hurts” on KCRW’s Strangers radio show, I urge you to. It is one of the smartest, rawest and most honest portraits of love and dating I have heard in a very long time, maybe ever. I was fortunate to be interviewed for Part 3 of the series, but that’s not why I’m recommending it. I recommending it because it’s crazygood!

http://www.kcrw.com/news-culture/shows/strangers

Many years ago, I was talking to a woman at a party about relationships and mentioned that I hadn’t been in one for ages. She told me this wasn’t a problem for her. She always had a boyfriend—her current beau was a biologist at an elite university—and before him there were plenty of others.

“Men flock to me,” she said.

The hostess called us to dinner, where the woman continued to assert her superiority, informing the table of her culinary skills and deep appreciation of classical music, while I scowled into my plate. All I wanted to do was go home and turn on the TV and try to forget that I was an unappealing cipher who men didn’t flock to. But instead, I looked up at the faces of the other guests and saw that they were nearly as miserable and annoyed as I was. And I realized this woman had made a terrible mistake. Her attempts to impress everyone were having the exact opposite effect.
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Producer Lea Thau on KCRW’s Strangers discusses the pain of dating in these times. She also shares her own story: Love Hurts.

After being unattached for 11 years, Sue had just started dating someone who had a lot of relationship experience, and she was embarrassed by her thin relationship resume. “How do I let go my feelings of inadequacy?” she asked author Sasha Cagen and I in a recent webcast.

Sue had a classic case of single shame, something Cagen and I understood well. I was single for most of my twenties and thirties, and always hedged when asked the dreaded question, “How long has it been since your last relationship?” Cagen, the author of Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics, recalls the time she told a man that her longest relationship had been nine months.

“It took me about half an hour to get it out. It was this crazy, painful thing,” Cagen said.
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Lose weight. Whiten your teeth. Work those abs. Cover your gray. And for goodness sake, put on a little lipstick!

When you’re dating, the pressure to measure up to the beauty standard prescribed by magazines, advertisements and celebrity info-tainment programs can feel pretty relentless.

Sure we all want to look our best, and there is a lot to be said for making an effort. Taking the time to iron your dress or tuck in your shirt is a gesture of courtesy and respect to yourself and others. But at certain point, you have to look in the mirror and say, “This is what I’ve got, folks. Take it or leave it.” Because no matter how much time and money you devote to exercise, hair care and clothes shopping, you’re still left looking pretty much like … you.
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As a wedding guest, I set myself to single-woman cruise control. You can’t let a wedding get to you — you have to glide through in a swingy dress and newly retouched highlights; you need to be prepared with tales of your exciting career and happy-slappy dating antics.

But during the ceremony, safely tucked in the adoring crowd, I allowed more complicated emotions in. I watched very hard as the misty-eyed couple gazed at each other with that intoxicating mix of overwhelming emotion and utter certainty. Yes, the rest of our life: Let’s go.
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I’m looking forward to my reading at the Hartford Public Library. If you’re in town, please stop by!