Recently, Singular City editor Kim Calvert commented on the negative tone that many people take when writing about the single life, noting my work in particular. Calvert cited a recent newsletter of mine, in which I expressed my belief that our positive-thinking culture often makes people feel worse because it pressures them to deny their genuine feelings and paper them over with something more socially palatable. The newsletter also included links to some eHarmony Q&As about breakups and couple envy, as well as the Strangers podcast series “Love Hurts.”
In a Psychology Today post, Calvert said she thought I was encouraging singles to wallow in their misery. The fact that I answered questions from distressed readers suggested to Calvert that I was courting the attention of unhappy singles while ignoring the satisfied ones.
“I have the uncomfortable feeling that providing a platform for single women to console and obsess on the negative, rather than consider more difficult options like changing thought habits into something positive, totters into a place we need to avoid, even if misery does love company,” wrote Calvert, who is happily single by choice.
Encouraging negativity and self-pity was certainly not my intention, but I can see how the contents of that particular newsletter could lead someone to this conclusion, so I’ll clarify.
The first part is logistical. I have a job blogging for eHarmony, so by definition I’m addressing people who are making an effort to not be single. I like responding directly to readers’ letters because it connects me with the issues people are thinking about and struggling with. But again, I’m working with a self-defining group. People don’t write to advice columnists when they’re feeling happy and content—they write when they have a problem.
The meatier issue that Calvert raises is something I have contemplated myself: What is the difference between being honest and kind to yourself—that is, accepting your feelings—and just plain wallowing? This was one of the first questions I asked my meditation teacher after I started learning to sit with unpleasant feelings.
It’s a fine line, and obviously not one confined to the challenges of singledom. Again, I generally focus on the problems of singles because that’s my job, but today I’ll use an example that’s unrelated to relationship status: money.
When I’ve had money problems, I’ve dealt with them in both productive and unproductive ways. When I’m being productive, I contact editors about work, brainstorm ideas for future income, and trim my budget. When I’m being unproductive, I stew about how this shouldn’t be happening to me. Because I work hard! And I’m frugal! And I’m good at what I do!
When my mind starts spinning like this, I have found that the best way to reclaim my sanity is to take few breaths, sit very still, and connect with the underlying hurt: feeling undervalued. I drop the mental speeches about how unfair it is and instead connect with my body—the clench in my jaw, the hollowness in my chest.
Sitting with these sensations is very uncomfortable, but in my experience it doesn’t encourage self-pity or perpetuate negativity. Instead, it’s a way of dealing with the pain head on. When I stay with the raw emotion, what I discover is … it’s not that bad. I can handle it. That doesn’t solve the financial problem, but it does clear my head and get me back to managing it in a productive way, whether it’s looking for more work (for example, a terrific gig with eHarmony) or a new recipe for rice and beans.
When you genuinely feel bad, denying those feelings won’t work. But when you allow them to be there, when you aren’t afraid or ashamed of them, they lose their power. That’s the point where I can collect my wits and remember that I live in a nice house and have never gone to bed hungry. That’s when I can just get back to work.
So when I tell readers to allow themselves to feel sad after, say, a bad date or the umpteenth wedding invitation, I’m not suggesting they drown themselves in woeful ruminations. I’m suggesting they dive into those difficult emotions so that, paradoxically, they lose their grip. I’m suggesting that they don’t waste another second feeling ashamed of their pain—because that only escalates it—that they instead acknowledge it so that can they eventually move on and return to enjoying their lives.
But perhaps I don’t stress that last part enough—the enjoyment, the gratitude.
So help me out. Write and tell me what you love about the single life—and what information or insights would help make it even better. I won’t stop talking about the challenges of singledom, but if readers think this column needs more joy, I’m happy to oblige.
Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.
I think DePaulo’s take on your approach is way off-base. I am a single, never-married 39-year old woman who gets all of the cultural messaging that something must be wrong with you if you’re not romantically attached to someone. But I also get the cultural messaging that if I ever feel lonely and upset about my single status then I’m weak, co-dependent, pathetic, and not loving myself enough. I loved your book (and your blog–I wish I could read more of your writing!) because you honored the complexities–you can have a full life with so much self-love AND still cry into your ice cream because you want a mate. Your book was a lifeline for me because it’s one of the only places I’ve found that doesn’t shame me for wanting partnership–while not pathologizing being single. I can’t thank you enough for that. I’m not deficient without a mate…just sad, sometimes.
I think dePaulo is worried that unless you paint a monochromatically chipper picture of singledom, the anti-singlists will pounce on that to justify compulsory marriage for everyone! LOL. But doing that wouldn’t serve the humanity of single folks very well at all. I also don’t think “wallowing” in such a horrible thing, for Goddess’ sake. Sometimes a good roll in the mud can be good for the soul! In a culture that insists on a certain kind of happy hygiene, inviting folks to actually FEEL all of their feelings can be the most radical thing. One thing I appreciate about your book is that while you encourage folks not to shame themselves for how they feel, you gently invite us to other ways of thinking, feeling, being. For example, my friend and I really enjoyed your chapter that ended with “Of the two witnesses, hold the principal one.” That really helped me to stop insisting that my friends and family validate my romantic desire in particular ways. (Because I really didn’t think my own desires were legit–so I needed others to certify them over and over again, in pretty precise ways.) Again, thank you for that!
Having said that, what I enjoy about my current life is all the time I have to read amazing novels, explore art, daydream, work on my business, have long conversations with my family of choice, do creative collaborations with friends. I am traveling to an art retreat in a week–I am so grateful for the art and adventure in my life. My partner will amplify many of the great things I’m up to now, but right now I am very happy with the creative turns my life is taking. I’m single, happy with so much of my life, and looking forward to partnership–but doing everything I can to make my existence as satisfying and magical as possible.
Thank you so much for this! And sorry for the delayed reply. I’m realizing now you posted on a super-crazy week for me so I never got the chance. Anyway, it’s so nice to know that the central message of my book resonated with you! And yes, I think “of the two witnesses, trust the principle one” is one of the most helpful concepts I’ve ever come across. Glad it was for you too!
I love what ALRF shared and resonate with much of it. Especially the bit about wishing I could read more of your writing!
Things I enjoy about being single:
• Waiting until the last minute to decide whether or not to attend a social outing
• Sleeping diagonally in the bed; being able to set my own sleep timetable — I’ve had partners who kept completely different hours in the past, and trying to blend our habits was rather painful
• Enjoying discretionary time to pursue the things that make my heart beat faster
• Finding the courage to go to social outings on my own — there’s a certain bracing awakeness that comes from not having the comfort of a partner in social settings. Well, this one is both an “enjoy” and a “dislike.”
• Eating random meals of cheese and crackers for dinner occasionally with no remorse
• Experiencing freedom to reflect deeply on own inner reality without needing to engage in anyone else’s story — this feels truly luxurious at times.
All good stuff. And you know it’s interesting. Now that you mention it, “enjoy” and “dislike” CAN be the same thing!
ditto ALRF.
Sara, your writing is a god-send. im 39, single, live in australia, bla bla bla same old stuff.
ive always been seen as a ‘very attractive’ woman, so ive received alot of male attention, but i often find they project upon me, rather than see (or want to see) who i really am.
men will also put on a ‘show’ to attract me, then reveal their true colours when they see i am not who they think i should be (sexy or slutty, house-wifey, quiet, modest, complacent.). i hate lacey underwear, i swear alot, i laugh loudly, i dress comfortably, i have strong political opinions.
the best boyfriend i ever had was when i had terrible acne when i was younger (24 yrs). he was a wonderful man, who saw through my skin problems and saw the real me.
unfortunately he was my first serious relationship and i left it because i actually was too dysfunctional at the time, and searching for ‘grass is greener’.
15 years later, after many show-ponies, i am single and feeling as though my dream of having a family is disappearing. really hard to face.
fortunately i have a solid circle of great friends (men and women), hobbies, interests bla bla same old single girl stuff, done years of therapy, meditation, yoga etc etc you all know it.
good to honour your feelings. ‘enjoy your life, while working towards change’.
thankyou sara!!!
Holly,
Thanks for writing. Hope you soon meet someone who is as cool and fun as you sound! Those guys who want slutty housewives sound boring!
Sara, I just discovered your writings and I CANNOT stop reading. Thanks for who you are and for what you write! It’s honest, genuine, heartfelt and helpful. You gracefully navigate a touchy subject and I’m glad you do! Its encouraging and edifying for many of us singles.
And great job of clarifying your purpose in the post above! What you do is meeting a great need and I’m sure Calvert’s work does too. We need space and place to hold the positivity, joy and hope as well as the sadness, grief and hurt. They’re all part of this human experience. That being said, I think your work is full of positivity, hope and joy! No need to change a thing. ;).
On to what I love about being single… I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Lots of solitary time to daydream, create and connect with my soul. Good vanilla ice cream and red wine make a spectacular dinner option. I can sleep in AND nap on the same day without ever being disturbed. The future is unwritten and anything is possible. I still unabashedly, unapologetically dream of meeting my true love and building an amazing life together.
Thank you so much Lindsay! I really appreciate your feedback on this. I never want to seem like I’m making assumptions about other people’s experiences, so it helps to hear from readers like you. So glad to know my work has been helpful, and love the way you have articulated the joys of being single!
I’m a perpetually single person and I realized the other day that I made all the good things in my life happen without having to make comprimises for a partner. I’ve had a lot of interesting twists and turns in my career and went to grad school when I was 25. Now I’m 30 and have a solid job and great friends. I often wonder how things would be different if I had a serious partner. What if he wanted to go to school or get a job in another city?What if I never met the friends I have now because I was spending my free time with him? I’m not saying my life would have been worse but I really take pride in the fact that I made all the good things happen in my life by myself, without any of the support or sacrifice that comes with being in a serious relationship.
Such good points, thanks for sharing!