Dear Sara: I’m two months away from turning 35. Despite my trying to stay away from depressing media and articles, I find myself getting sucked in anyway. What would you tell yourself as a single 35-year-old, knowing what you now know? —R
Dear R: When I turned 35, I had been unattached for four years, and that birthday hit me really hard. I had spent age 34 in a state of panic, thinking I just had to meet someone before this looming deadline.
After my 35th birthday, I thought, “Okay, game over.” I bought an apartment, but also sleepwalked though the process and didn’t even bother to paint it. It didn’t feel like a happy occasion—it felt like a declaration of my lifelong spinsterhood.
So here’s what I would say to that woman: You think you know the future, but you don’t. You think that you will always be stuck in the same place, that the story will never change, but it will. And the reason it will change is because even though you sometimes get very, very down you never actually give up. You say you’re giving up, but you’re full of shit because what actually happens is you mope around your apartment for a bit, and then you go out to brunch with friends, and then you make plans to visit someone in California, and then you sign up for a meditation class, and then you swap homes with a friend in Seattle.
That’s why you’re going to be okay–why you’re already okay. Doing these things won’t guarantee that you’ll meet the love of your life, but staying committed to making your life as rich and interesting as possible will give you power.
Gradually, you will start to see that all this work you’re doing is paying off—you’ll feel a lot better about yourself, and you will be better able to see through all the crap that we put on single people and not be so affected by it. You’ll still want a partner, but you’ll stop hating yourself for not having one (or for wanting one). You’ll stop caring what other people think and just know that you are lovable even if you don’t have a dapper man by your side, proving it to the world. This power will serve you extremely well for the rest of your life–in your marriage, your career, and everything else.
The point is not that there is a husband at the end of the rainbow. It’s that when you look back on your life ten years from now you will see that it was incredibly rich and meaningful and your one-and-only regret will be that you wasted so much time worrying about the future. Seriously, that will be the only thing you regret: all the time you spent fretting about finding someone and letting the scolds and scaremongers get under your skin. Don’t waste another second on those idiots. You don’t have everything, but you have some things so enjoy those things because one day you’ll have different things. You’ll like those things, but you’ll also miss what you have now.
The great irony of worrying about the future is that I don’t think it leads to a better future. You make smarter decisions when you aren’t beating yourself up over things you can’t control. In fact, you will never once make a good decision out of fear. And of course, it is those daily choices that determine what our futures will be.
So have fun, do your best, take care of yourself, and be nice. The future is always uncertain, but you’ve got your best shot at a happy one if you can stay grounded in the present.
Oh, and the apartment? Buying it won’t seal your fate a single person, but it will have a profound effect on your future: One day you’ll sell it for three times what you paid.
Yours,
Sara
Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. You can get a free bonus chapter of her book at saraeckel.com. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.
I totally love your advice.Thanks!!!
Thanks, Sidney! Glad you like it! Sara
This is by far one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever read. The power within it is just amazing and at 42 – all I can say is that I wish someone had given it to me at 32. Then again, maybe ten years ago the shame of being left on the shelf would have been too painful to contemplate. I’m now on the shelf, and it’s fine. More than fine. In many ways I do at least have a free and interesting life. I do get a bit depressed sometimes when I look at a Facebook stream of happy family pics/ posts but I think that’s more of a case of absorbing the pro natalism messages that society constantly bombards women with. For me it was a relief turning 40. The pressure receded, the clock was over, I could then get on with my life in a positive way. But the prejudice out there is still pretty horrific at times. Hairdressers and taxi drivers are the worst
It’s funny, being 53 and divorced for many years, I don’t even know if I *want* a man any more. I would likely end up with someone much older, as men believe that they are entitled to a younger woman. I am not sure if I want to take on the baggage that an older man would carry, all the illness, heart problems, ED, diabetes, CPAP machines, etc.
Now, if I was with a man since he was young and hot, that would be a different story. But to take the problems up right out of the shoot, I am not so sure.
Thanks for your thoughtful note, Margaret. Yes, there are a lot of points to consider as we age…
Rachel, I’m so glad this was useful to you! I’m glad to know that you are able to deal with all those annoying messages. Thanks for writing and sorry I have been behind on my replies!
you are too right about hairdressers! i havent seen one for a year as i am dreading that stupid conversation abou tmy non-existent love life (at 39). i am thinking of learning how to cut my own hair! LOL
Hi Sara,
Love this article, just turned 37 a few months ago and am going through those exact same emotions about my future. There are so many things I can’t control, my career, lack of someone special in my life. But there are so many things that ARE going well that I’m learning to be grateful for what I do have right at this moment. As you said, worrying about things is certainly NOT going to improve my quality of life. I think the illusion of control exists when I worry, so the more I worry the more control I have over the situation.
A year ago, a friend and I were riding up a huge hill on our bikes. Even though it was tough, I knew I’d really enjoy gliding down it on the other side. My friend did not enjoy the ride/reward at the other side because she kept on worrying about having to cycle up it again the next day, while I would take a train back home that night. Having said that the next day my friend found an alternative route and didn’t even have to go up the hill! Same experience, but different way of experiencing an event.
Hi Angela, So glad this resonated–and that you’re enjoying the ride. Cheers, Sara
Excellent advice that so parallels what I’m reading now – “Secrets of an Irresistible Woman” by Michelle McKinney Hammond. I turned 45 yesterday and have much for which to be thankful. You’re right in that life has been, and continues to be “incredibly rich and meaningful.” I am enjoying the present season in which I find myself. Thanks again for the perspective!
This is fantastic! Considering printing it out and carrying it with me, as so many others did with your original articles!
Thank you!
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