Last month, I attended an event where I read from It’s Not You, my book about navigating life as a single adult, when an audience member asked an interesting question. I had said I didn’t think a romantic relationship s something you could pointedly go after, the way you might a promotion or a master’s degree. On the other hand, I was a proponent of online dating. Didn’t those two stances contradict?
It’s a good question, one I hear a version of fairly often.
We seem to take an “all or nothing” attitude about love. So you have the camp that says you have to pull out every stop—every drinks meet, every dating site, every party that your aunt or neighbor promises will be full of attractive single people. With this strategy, you burn out pretty fast, so along comes someone to tell you that love will only come when you relax—stop trying so hard! So you chill out in your pajamas and binge-watch Game of Thrones, and quickly realize that this strategy is pretty flawed, too.
That’s why I like the Buddhist concept of “not too tight, not too lose.” It’s like tuning a guitar—you want to find a place in the middle, rather than an extreme.
It’s great to make an effort—whether it’s spending an evening reading dating profiles, or schlepping to that co-worker’s friend’s birthday party three towns away. The problem is not the effort. The problem is how you respond when you don’t get what you want.
You can control the amount of time and effort you spend trying to meet people. You can control your behavior on your dates—your promptness, the way you dress and how you treat these gentle strangers.
But you can’t control whether the two of you fall in love, or even if you’ll want to go on a second date.
That’s frustrating, but there’s a good news side to it: Now you get to relax. You’ve done the work, time to sit back and let the evening be whatever it is. Maybe you’re attracted, maybe not. Maybe your dinner companion is sweet and funny, maybe tiresome and mean. But whatever is happening … there you are. You’re your life, trying to connect with another human being. If you can let go of “how it’s supposed to be” you might find that “how it is” is pretty interesting.
Who is this person sitting across the table from you, complaining about his ex-wife or angling to figure out your salary? What are her hopes, dreams and fears? What has brought him here to this moment in time, on this date, with you? Even if you don’t fall in love with this person—even if you don’t like this person—you can still be curious. Dating is usually depicted as either light and giddy or bleak and pointless, but I think it’s quite profound. When else do we get the opportunity to try and connect, on the deepest level possible, with a random stranger plucked from the ether? It’s completely bizarre, and endlessly fascinating.
What about when you are in your 50s, you have tried online dating numerous times, only to be contacted by men 10-20 years older, with a myriad of health problems, and a ton of baggage? Not to mention that they look, well, OLD? And the ones you contact are looking for 10-20 years younger? No wonder so many women over 40 have given up.
Unfortunately, for many of us, the ONLY dates we have gotten, however bad, have been through OLD.
Hi Margaret, Yes. The expectation that some men have that they should be dating women 10 to 20 years younger IS frustrating. I don’t have a solution, but economist Marina Adshade has some interesting thoughts on this that I wrote about in an earlier post. Best wishes, Sara
Yes, I had seen that before. I found her discussion a bit roundabout, but basically she is confirming what I already knew. Not all men will be able to “get” a younger woman. However, the ones that cannot are often the ones that are less desirable. The men my age who are in decent shape, of decent personality and character and have a good job will almost always go younger, and they will usually be successful. Hell, I know men with rotten character who are successful connecting with women.
Not to sound bitter. I have pretty much accepted my fate and am at peace with it. There are worse things than being single, and I have a much better life than many women. But note to the younger women (under 35): You will never have this much power or opportunity with men again, so don’t squander it. I only wish I had realized this when I was younger. I would have done things way differently.
Adshade is correct, though, when she noted that many of us choose to “exit the market” rather than date much older or men who are otherwise undesirable.
Hi there I recognise your argument and empathise with it. However when i was 35 (and a lot younger) i certainly was not aware of the power you mention. I think folk of ANY age find it difficult getting a partner (let alone the ‘right one’ ). There are many people with ‘someone’ out of dumb luck. They may not necessarily be the right one. There are lots of people in convenience relationships too.
I have not ‘given up’ but neither am I desolate about being alone. I enjoy everything I do and many partnered people envy my freedom. I strike a pose and am very defiant about all the dating guff I read. Dont believe everything you read either! Yippee! Love life. :)
Good points, Sheila! I remember being 24 and having a hard time finding a date! And here’s to not believing the dating guff!
Good points, ladies! I am happy with my life, and many people do envy me my freedom and independence. And there is a lot of TERRIBLE dating advice out there.