I’m getting excited for the publication of IT’S NOT YOU next week, and have two readings coming up. If you’re in the neighborhood, pop by!
BookCourt, Jan 9., 7p.m. 163 Court St. Brooklyn, N.Y.
The Golden Notebook, Jan. 11, 4 pm. 29 Tinker Street, Woodstock, NY.
I also have an essay in this week’s Sunday New York Times “Modern Love” column. It’s basically Part 2 of a “Modern Love” essay I published a couple of years ago, which is what got the whole book project rolling.
Sara,
So happy to see your book coming out! When I read your original piece in NYT in 2011, I thought: Yes! Someone finally gets it. I am divorced but have been single for over 20 years, with a dating pattern much like yours. Lots of bad dates, online disappointments, horrible fix-ups (what *were* these “friends” thinking?!). At 52, I am at peace. I realize I have a much better life than many women in the world, I have my health, family, career, and, yes, a cat. I know it is not me, although I am far from perfect.
As you rightfully point out, that woman you see in the grocery store may have made compromises you and I were unwilling to. There is no definitive answer, no “secret sauce” or quality that other women have. It just is, and what most people are slow to acknowledge is that one of the biggest determinants is pure LUCK. And when you factor in that many men prefer women 10-20 years younger, and that so many men over 50 are just in horrible shape, well, it’s not hard to see why many women have “exited the market” as Marina Anshade so aptly put it. That’s not to say that men don’t have legitimate gripes about women, but a quick appraisal of the people you know will confirm that there are many more quality women who are in shape and have their act together than their male counterparts.
Thank you again, and can’t wait to read your book. Your view is refreshing and long overdue in the sea of dating gurus and coaches.
Thanks so much for writing, Margaret! I’m so happy to know that all these pieces resonate with you. Hope you like the book. And yes, totally agree, there is no secret sauce–just random life happening as it does. All the best to you! Sara
I met my husband when I was just about to turn 34, and I come from a cultural background in which marriage ‘should’ happen by your mid-twenties (three younger siblings got married at 20, 20, and 22). He was my first and only ‘real’ relationship, and by the time I met him, I really had begun to think I just couldn’t ‘do’ relationships. Yes, I *had* needed to work through some stuff, but I’d done that a while back. And it wasn’t that guys weren’t interested in me, often they were, but I was almost never interested in them. And then I met my husband. We were officially ‘dating’ within a couple weeks, and engaged less than three months after we met. Three months after that, we were married. We’re coming up on our seven year anniversary of meeting now, and as you so rightly pointed out in your column I just read, I know, having been single for so long, how lucky I am. Because when it works, it really really works. He was worth the wait. But I also know that so much of it is just luck. You are absolutely right. There is nothing to fix – or rather, everyone could do with fixing things, but that goes equally for those who are coupled up young and easily. Call it luck, or a blessing, or a lucky star, that I met the right man. I pray fervently that my single friends meet their right man, too. There is nothing wrong with any of them, either.
Thanks so much for replying, Deborah. And here’s to the ones who are worth the wait! And to luck! And to having nothing wrong with you!