Hot or Not? The Answer May Change With Time

Lose weight. Whiten your teeth. Work those abs. Cover your gray. And for goodness sake, put on a little lipstick!

When you’re dating, the pressure to measure up to the beauty standard prescribed by magazines, advertisements and celebrity info-tainment programs can feel pretty relentless.

Sure we all want to look our best, and there is a lot to be said for making an effort. Taking the time to iron your dress or tuck in your shirt is a gesture of courtesy and respect to yourself and others. But at certain point, you have to look in the mirror and say, “This is what I’ve got, folks. Take it or leave it.” Because no matter how much time and money you devote to exercise, hair care and clothes shopping, you’re still left looking pretty much like … you.

We all venture into the dating world hoping that others will appreciate our charms, even if our noses are crooked or our bellies spill over our beltlines. And the good news is they will—but it may take some time.

Paul Eastwick and Lucy Hunt of the University of Texas at Austin surveyed heterosexual students in a college class about the attractiveness of their opposite-sex classmates, asking them to state how strongly they agreed with statements like “members of the opposite sex are attracted to [name].” They were also asked to imagine their classmates as romantic partners and evaluate such statements as “[name] fulfills me in ways that other partners could not.”

At the beginning of the semester, there was a lot of agreement about who was hot and who was not. But three months later, that had changed. As the students got to know one another, they became more aware of each other’s unique qualities—the kind of stuff we don’t always agree on like bookishness (“smart and interesting” to me might be “stuffy and dull” to you) and boisterousness (one women’s fun party guy might be another’s annoying loud jock). By the end of the semester, the students no longer agreed on who was the most attractive but instead admired classmates with the unique qualities that most appealed to them personally.

In another study, Eastwick and Hunt asked people who were in the same friend network to evaluate their long-term pals’ attractiveness. Again they discovered that after people get to know one another, there is no agreement on the relative cuteness of the opposite sex. “Among these well-acquainted individuals, consensus on measures of mate value was nearly zero. These are the people who know what authors you like, what you wore for Halloween six years ago and what obscure movie you will quote the next time you all get together. But they cannot agree on your mate value. Over the years, it has evaporated before their eyes,” the researchers said in a New York Times opinion piece.

So if you’ve noticed that your tall, thin, symmetrically featured friends get more attention at cocktail parties, that’s probably because they are. But fortunately, their advantage fades over time. If you can find ways to gradually get acquainted with potential partners—through clubs, book groups, adult-ed classes, volunteer work, networks of friends—the beautiful people will have nothing on you.

6 thoughts on “Hot or Not? The Answer May Change With Time

  1. That, in a nutshell, is why OLD is so flawed. People need time to grow on you, and vice versa. A photo, profile, and coffee meets do not lend themselves to this endearment. Unfortunately, for those of us over 40, OLD is the only way many of us can even get dates. Such a conundrum.

    • I’m not sure what you mean about “old is the only way many of us can get dates”. Do you mean only WAY older men are interested in us “over 40’s”?
      I’ve sort of given up myself. I moved out of state @ 9 months ago. The pickin’s’ are AWFULLY slim in these here parts! It’s a pretty rural area where “most of the good ones are taken”. I guess this is how “The Crazy Cat Lady”
      Gets started!

      • By OLD, I meant “online dating”. But, it could mean just plain old as well. I find that most men my own age (53) are not interested if they are in decent shape and have their act together. I find that my “market” these days is the over-60 crowd, who are retired or on disability, with a plethora of medical problems. Not too appealing.

  2. What if I am one of the “beautiful” people? I am pretty, accomplished and fit and generally considered “hot.” I am always getting invited to things, attract men, have an active social life, have wonderful women friends. My confidence and self-esteem is fairly intact. I’ve had my heart broken a few times, as well as having left a bloody trail. I was even married for a period of time some time ago. And at the age of 54 I still haven’t found a relationship that works. I agree with Margaret. I also seem to be attracting the 60-something crowd. Not at all attractive and generally not in good physical shape. Especially when everyone tells me I look I’m in my mid-40’s or younger, I’m having a hard time dealing with all this.

    • Hi Donna, Yeah it is hard and the toughest part is I don’t think there are any easy answers. But the good news is being a great-looking, confident woman with a great social life certainly never HURT anyone. Anyone else have thoughts?

  3. I am 53, and more attractive and in better shape than most women my age, at least in terms of being in the Midwest. Not like in NYC or LA, where many women have availed themselves of plastic surgery, lipo, etc. Not to put anyone down, but people on the coasts seem to be obsessed with the exterior.

    Like Donna, I have a pretty good life. My job is fulfilling but demanding, and I have little capacity for socializing, though I do accept invitations and have good social skills. But I am an introvert and need lots of down time. I was also married when I was young, but have not been able to find the right relationship since my divorce in my late 20s.

    As far as answers go, I know women do not want to hear this but…..I think the odds are against those of us over 50 (especially) finding a man that we click with and find attractive. Our society is one that glorifies youth. If a man can “get” a much younger women, he will generally go for her rather than a woman his own age who looks good. Now there are exceptions for sure, but unfortunately it doesn’t happen often enough. So that leaves us with the older men who are just not attractive on any level. And many of us do not want to care for an ill partner if we did not have any good years with them to start with.

    While I am not implying that we should “give up”, I also know that I am happier and less stressed out when I am not banging my head against the wall looking for Mr.Right. This doesn’t mean I gain weight, dress sloppily, and don’t wear makeup. It means I live my life on my terms and not in anticipation of appealing to some elusive man. If the right guy comes along and likes what he sees, wonderful. But I am not “waiting to exhale.” To me, that is precious time and life wasted.

    Sigh. As Sara said, there are no easy answers.

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