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Great read over at Elephant Journal.
I’m sure many of us can relate! :)
Love it, misstree! That advice makes me crazy. And really, I can’t think of a better example of loving yourself than choosing to be on your own rather than settling for a not-so-great relationship.
So speaking of bullshit…
A few months ago I was out for drinks with two of my friends. Both are married to guys they met in university, so between them they’ve been single for about 7 seconds. I was dating more actively then, and was telling them how I felt like I wasn’t really getting anywhere – lots of messaging back and forth with potential matches that never seemed to turn into actual dates. And they responded to that by telling me I need to stop trying to hard, that love finds people when they least expect it and that maybe I should stop looking.
Fast forward to last night, and I’m out again with the same two friends. Except now I’m on a break from dating (by my own choice, not because of the advice they gave before), and what do they say this time? That I’m never going to find someone if I don’t make an effort to put myself out there.
Ugghhh! Sometimes you just can’t win!
Ugh that sucks, Mariposa.
It is usually the married friends that make us feel like we are inadequate and are not doing things right.
I decided a while back that I wouldn’t talk about dating or anything related with married people, precisely because of their judgy annoying attitudes. I only talk about it with women who are also dating and haven’t found anyone. Only single people get us.Ugh I’m sorry to hear that happened to you, mariposa. It IS infuriating indeed. How did you respond??
Thanks Angel88 and misstree! I just responsed by changing the subject, although now in hindsight I wish I had said something. If it comes up again, I’m definitely going to point out the contradiction. And I like your strategy Angel88, I usually don’t talk about it with married friends either unless they specifically ask. I know they mean well and it’s coming from a place of wanting to help, but it makes me crazy sometimes! Thanks to both of you for getting it. :)
That sounds reasonable. If they are truly your friends, you can let them know how you take their “advice” and how they contradict themselves. I’m sure they’ll be more thoughtful if they really listen to you. I hope they are.
I remember a video I saw that explained why people victim-blame and I think sometimes it applies to this dating talk scenario. Basically, many people like to think that we live in a just world and that what they have (in this case, a partner) is the result of their “good” actions and their work. Whenever they find someone that is in a situation that disproves that view of the world they have, they feel scared and/or powerless so their first reaction is to find flaws in the individual or reasons why this is happening to them that allow them to continue being safe in their view of the world or their identity.
We know that we live in a world that lives to tell people, women specifically, that if you’re not partnered up, you’re a failure or something is wrong with you. That’s one of the chapters in Sarah’s book that was an eye opener for me. Seeing how we live in a couple-centric world that disparages those who chose or happen to be in a different route.
I get you. It can feel lonely out there for many of us.Hi, all! I’ve followed this community off and on but have yet to post anything. Seems like a great group of smart ladies!
Angel88, I wanted to say I really liked your last post about victim-blame thinking. I had never thought of this situation in that way before, but I think there’s a lot of truth to that!
Welcome MissDee03! And Angel88, thanks for sharing your thoughts about victim blaming. I know that’s the real deal, and while I think my friends were genuinely trying to be helpful, I also think people engage in it subconsciously without even realizing they’re doing it. Sara wrote a blog post recently with some good ideas for how to respond:
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