Why I don't regret quitting on-line dating

It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single Forums Welcome Why I don't regret quitting on-line dating

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  • #1289
    talimeirav
    Participant

    As a 38 years old single woman, I’ve had my share of on-line dating. Ever since my relationship ended 8 years ago, I tried many dating sites, went on many failed dates and began resenting men in general, so eventually I decided to quit on-line dating completely, with the decision that if I meet someone, it will be in the “real world”. obviously, it didn’t happen until now…
    But I still don’t regret quitting, even when my mom tells me one more story about her friend’s cousin who just moved in with a guy she met on-line. Why? because it gave me only grief and anxiety. I refuse to believe that on-line dating is the only way to meet a guy today!
    Men behave differently when they’re on-line – they lie, they disappear, they never give you a proper chance, they feel like they have so many choices, that they treat you like just one in a long list of “maybe”s.
    Many women date on-line, and they are fine with it, but for me – i’m too sensitive and hopeful for this world, I take things to heart and get hurt a lot. So why put myself through that? I’d rather be single..

    #1290
    Soul
    Participant

    Thanks for the post talimeirav…I can completely relate. On-line dating never felt right to me although I was fine that others liked it. However, after years of continuing to be single, I started feeling like my way was not going to work either, so I gave it an honest shot. I figured even if I could not find the right guy, I might find a nice enough guy to date for a bit and feel like I was back in the world. Well, it was very much as you described…I think I could be a star in the movie “50 first dates,” just seemed I could never make it past the first one. Some were nice while others were not as they profiled themselves and others were rude, but even a small spark never seemed to be there. I think it has more to do with that feeling you get when you are getting to know someone who is not an instant date – you are simply seeing the person and enjoying them versus having the pressure of changing your status with the person and investigating them (and they you) to a full degree before a first meeting. It was all very exhausting and often so disappointing.
    Mostly, I could relate to you commenting about your mother. It feels like I have permanently disappointed mine by not trying hard enough and she will always mention it when someone else she was talking to knows a person who met their forever partner online. She has no idea I even tried the online thing, I figure it is my business, but it gets awfully tiring to hear advice from everyone I know who are not single for how I “fix” my life.

    #1291
    eldogg
    Participant

    “Men behave differently when they’re on-line – they lie, they disappear, they never give you a proper chance, they feel like they have so many choices, that they treat you like just one in a long list of “maybe”s.”

    You may be surprised to know that men feel exactly this way about the way women behave with regards to online dating. You have no idea of how many times my friends and I have been given the disappearing act, been given a number but then it’s never picked up or the call is never returned, etc. We feel exactly that way – that women have so many choices in guys pursuing them that they find it easy to cast anyone aside. And we find that the majority of women lie about either age, weight, or have extremely old pictures. We see women that have behaved in this way … months and years later still on the sites with no breaks … clearly indicating some kind of issues either fear/ambivalence, commitment-phobia, or just the false thinking that SOMEONE perfect will come along eventually. So it’s not only guys.

    I think it’s online dating and app dating in general. In the old days, you met someone … you both knew you liked each other, there was no intimidation, you went out. Or someone fixed you up … and you both made an effort to go on a few dates to see if it could work.

    Face it. In today’s world, everyone “has to have it yesterday”. There is no patience. There is no effort. And online/apps … are a virtual candy store. No one wants to take risks/chances even though it’s only a date. If you aren’t presented with the perfect person at the other end … sure you’ll play a little bit online … but you’re not inclined to make the effort.

    Very simply … online dating works ok (not great, just ok) for younger people. Because generally speaking, younger people are less risk-averse and are motivated to want to find someone of quality to settle down with and have a family. But as people get older, have more “bad experiences”, and get near or past childbearing age … there is less motivation to make the effort and take risks.

    #1292
    talimeirav
    Participant

    I totally agree with you, and what you wrote just proves that on-line dating is not for everyone – from both sexes – because it makes them resent the other sex..
    And i don’t hate men, I like men! I want to love a man in the future, and I want him to love me, too.

    #1293
    eldogg
    Participant

    Yep, that’s the problem. Each gender uses online dating and apps and each becomes the victim of the other resulting in disappointment … so many times that each gender builds up resentment of the other’s behaviors. That in turn leads to generalizations and frankly, ambivalence. Each person becomes ambivalent because of the ambivalence of the other gender.

    I’m glad you still are hopeful, still open, and I hope you meet someone great!

    #1294
    beachbum
    Participant

    I tried online dating and decided to stop, for all the typical reasons described above. But my main issue with online dating is that it’s a lot of work. If you’re active on these sites it becomes like a part time job, with very little pay off. And if you have a full time job which you don’t particularly like, who wants a part time job you can’t stand either? I also resent how dating coaches and websites make money off of lonely and vulnerable people. Even if some of these services are supposedly “free”, they are most definitely not.

    Plus, the connections are very inorganic. I have just always clicked more with people I met naturally in real life. I keep reminding myself that for all of human history, people have managed to meet and marry without the help of a computer, even if they are older than 30.

    #1295
    eldogg
    Participant

    You’re absolutely right, beachbum. It’s a lot of work. But nothing important in life comes easy … without putting work in. Especially using a mechanism that essentially isn’t much more than a random blind date. Online dating is a medium that SHOULD open up all kinds of potential … think of the numbers of people that you have the ability to date that you wouldn’t if it weren’t for online dating … how many new potential opportunities it opens up. And compare the statistics to how many people you have the chance to meet in non-online everyday life. It takes work and patience.

    Now … with that said, I completely understand what you say when you use the phrase “with very little payoff”. For us guys, we can sometimes write dozens of women before we even get a response and then that response will frequently flake or send a number and not pick up or return the phone call. Or talk to you expressing interest and then flake. Or plan a date with you and then cancel. This is why my friends and I have essentially given up on online dating. As I wrote before, one gender’s ambivalence breeds the ambivalence in the other gender and vice-versa.

    So … we’re stuck in this quagmire where no one wants to put in the effort because they know that there’s very little payback. It’s too bad, it offers a lot of potential.

    #1296
    mariposa
    Participant

    This is something I struggle with too. I’ve been on a break from online dating for about a year now (due to a combination of personal choice and family circumstances), although I’m starting to think about giving it another try. I agree with the comments above that it’s a lot of work and a big time committment, often with very little payoff, and it isn’t easy to keep putting myself out there when it never seems to work out. I find it really hard to balance being hopeful and being realistic – the logical side of me knows that with the marjoity of people I meet there won’t be a romantic connection (as there wouldn’t been with most people I meet in “real” life too), but the emotional side of me gets my hopes up and then I get really down on myself when things wouldn’t work out. And the more unsuccessful dates I went on the more resentful I felt about having to keep doing this while most of my friends were lucky enough to just meet their partners while going about their day to day lives. This year away from it has shown me that I am happier when I’m not online dating, but since I haven’t met any potential dating partners in the “real world” this year, it’s also made it apparent that, for me at least, online dating is my best chance to find love. And there lies the catch 22, because while I’m happier now, I often worry that it’s at the expense of my happiness in the future. And so I think about giving it another shot, and the cycle continues.

    I don’t have the answer but I like what eldogg wrote that the important things in life don’t always come easy. And that goes for dating online or trying to meet people in other ways. We all need to do what feels right for us, and I think that as long as we are true to that then maybe we can’t really go wrong. I agree that the potential is there (both online and in the real world), and I try to keep reminding myself that it only takes one person to totally change the course of a life.

    #1298
    eldogg
    Participant

    Yes, mariposa … I agree with what you wrote and completely understand. And yes, it’s a real crapshoot … even if you do manage to meet that person for a date, what are the odds of it working out? I want to say a couple of more things about this, though.

    First, one thing that I don’t think people think through when they online date that this is just not likely to “take off” with the kind of sizzle where your knees are going to wobble vs. the traditional way of meeting someone. The entire tone is different, even if you ARE immediately attracted to someone – there are doubts, there is no vetting, you don’t know much about the person, etc. It seems to me that if you are going to online date, you almost HAVE to be willing to be more patient and give the other person another shot or two if you think or feel that there COULD be something there. I find that most people (at least in the NYC area) are of the “gotta have it yesterday” mentality and have their expectations set too high for first online dates. It’s just rare that this happens – even in non-online dating.

    Secondly, imagine being a guy … and taking the time to create and send dozens of attempts with nice opening emails catered to the individual profiles (when the profiles actually have enough in them to customize an email!) and getting absolutely no response or getting responses only to have people disappear/flake (and yes, we follow the general rule of going right to asking for a phone number after 2 or 3 emails and don’t allow it to become penpals) or getting a phone number only to not receive a return phone call … and to have this happen over and over and over again. Quality, good men who are average looking at worst, attractive at best … with good careers and who treat women nicely. Think about what eventually is going to happen just given human nature. People are going eventually feel that they are banging their heads against the wall and stop trying. You see how much more at peace you are being away from it!

    So what I am trying to say is … imagine if everyone on online dating sites would give it say … another 10% effort. Another 10% of their time OR respond to another 10% of the emails they get OR go out on another 10% of the dates they’ve been going on or respond to another 10% of the phone calls that they get. Imagine if people really pushed themselves to make more of an effort to get past their fears and ambivalence. Imagine if people really viewed this as “it’s only a date and I have complete control over whether I leave early or I go out with him again or I kiss him goodnight”. I personally think people just take the easy way out with this online stuff. It’s easier to just stay in the candy store and look until or unless that tall hot-looking charismatic Wall-St investment banker comes along. I don’t mean to be harsh, but I will tell you that my friends and I have actually done searches on online dating sites where we eliminate the hottest looking women and look for others and try very hard to take a 2nd look at some others asking ourselves if we think we could “like them” even if they didn’t necessarily stand out at first glance. It all goes to the amount of effort you are willing to put in.

    #1305
    mariposa
    Participant

    Eldogg, I think that’s a really good point about controlling our expectations and giving it time to see if attraction develops. And I like what you said about what can happen when you do have that instant attraction. I hadn’t really thought about it that way before, but you’re right that in an online dating setting that make things feel more complicated than they might if you met someone in the real world, and that might lead people to pull back. Those are the hardest ones for me, when you feel like you’ve connected with someone and then they just disappear (and for me, those instant connections happen pretty rarely so i hate to lose them when they do). I know whenever it doesn’t work out I’m always trying to find an answer as to why, and that probably isn’t the best strategy. It’s good to remember that most of the time there isn’t an answer, that it’s a difficult set of circumstances for everyone to navigate, and that their really isn’t any point in second guessing what I’m doing or trying to read too much into what other people do or don’t do. Thanks for some good food for thought.

    #1323
    icanrel8
    Participant

    I saw this Youtube link in a guy’s online profile, and it was good (a TedEx talk titled “no more bad first dates” on YouTube: https://youtu.be/T704le1D1ag). It was entertaining and his 2/2/2 rule makes sense. I got a bit down because it perpetuates the reality (maybe from a year ago) that women’s inboxes get filled. Lately, the only emails I seem to get appear fraudulent (a guy, stationed overseas trying to figure out where in the states he wants to return to…based on who he meets online??? really?). I wished there was more info on how women could successfully use online dating (versus just understanding and being patient with men).

    If you’re interested, here’s another entertaining You Tube TEDEx talk on online dating: https://youtu.be/mRWPqwyukGY (note the stereotypes apply to men too, when I listed my job as “HR” I got few responses, but when I listed my job as “manager” I got far more)

    #1325
    eldogg
    Participant

    Funny, it wouldn’t stop me from reaching out to a woman if she listed her job as “HR”. And I can tell you from experience that in today’s world, if you look at the dating profiles of women and check the age ranges that they are seeking out, you will find more and more women who are looking for younger men, sometimes much younger men. And if you couple that with the subtle technique of lowering their “age” and leaving very old pictures in the profile, you’ll see that they are so far from being realistic that it’s not funny. Then again, in today’s liberated world, women feel that they should be able to do what men do, and honestly, they should.

    I can tell you that my friends and I don’t follow these patterns. We typically don’t write to woman who don’t have much to say in their profiles no matter how good-looking they are … we always write thoughtful emails based on a woman’s profile. We actually go out of our way to choose women who are attractive/appealing but who may not be the most attractive women on the sites for good reason … those women likely are being flooded with emails. But women complain that they can’t meet any guys through online dating. What’s wrong with this picture?

    I can tell you what’s wrong. These behaviors go both ways between genders. Less attractive women are just as likely NOT to respond or to play games as more attractive women. And less attractive women are just as likely to bypass a guy who has a thoughtfully written profile and sends a nice email. On top of that, one of my friends is 5’5″, I am 5’8″, and the other two are 5’9″. And on top of that, we are all average to above average looking. None of us is a 6’2″ charismatic hunk.

    The message I’m trying to convey is women are just ask likely to exhibit these types of behaviors as men. If you watched from 11:00 minutes onwards in the 2nd video, you’ll see why both genders do this: they’re scared Sh_t of rejection. Otherwise, what harm does it do to view any potential interaction as “just a date” and “nothing ventured, nothing gained”. Others may be scared of committment. But in general, people are scared.

    The bottom line is … if you want a guy who is willing to look past a profile of a hot woman with no substance and find you, YOU have to be willing to look through those emails/profiles to find us quality guys and you have to be willing to make some concessions (at least initially) on things like hot looks, height, etc. Love can develop to some degree over time. And don’t get me wrong, more men have to be willing to look past the superficial, look past hot women, and look for substance.

    #1388
    Valentine
    Participant

    My experience has been a little different. I’ve met a lot of lovely men and women online dating. I just haven’t felt “it.” If I like the person I’ll generally go on a handful of dates, but if I’m not feeling it, after awhile it seems like a waste of everyone’s time.

    I’m just sick of dating in general. When I meet someone in the “real” world I wish I had a profile to look at to tell me if there are any obvious deal breakers. But online dating profiles are personas so no matter what there will always be a time investment to try to find out whether you are attracted to who the person actually is u red all their different surfaces. I’m still looking for a way to move much more quickly to what’s real.

    #1507
    mariposa
    Participant

    Sara shared this article on her Facebook page today and I right away I thought of this thread. It’s a really interesting read, and reflects a lot of the experiences people wrote about above. I know I could definitely relate.

    https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2016/10/the-unbearable-exhaustion-of-dating-apps/505184/?utm_source=tb

    Thoughts?

    #1518
    Reds10
    Participant

    Users NOT finding a partner better suits the companies’ bottom lines than finding one, that’s for sure.

    All these articles about online dating and whether or not it’s destroying humanity or making it harder to date, etc, etc…they make me wonder if we are putting WAY too much pressure on ourselves to couple up. Yes, as humans/living beings it’s natural to want to mate and reproduce, and we’re intelligent and emotional and want to share our lives with someone. But how much of our actual needs absolutely must be filled by a partner? It may sound pessimistic, but I’ve kind of been operating under the assumption that I’m in this for myself (and for disclosure, Rebecca Traister’s All the Single Ladies kind of changed my life) and if someone comes along, great. If not, that sucks but I’m also blessed with a job and health insurance (my friends can tell you that there are definitely days/weeks I do not feel this way, but most of the time it’s nice to not have anyone in my way).

    Valentine said above

    I’m still looking for a way to move much more quickly to what’s real.

    This will sound corny as hell, but the realest thing we’re going to get is ourselves, isn’t it? I’m not saying never date or never pursue a partner, but being as real as we can with ourselves is going to weed out everyone who can’t/won’t handle that (and in my experience, no one I ever met through the internet has come close to even trying), which might be a slower but more satisfying process in the end. I also think because online dating immediately sets up the expectation of a romantic connection, it’s more disappointing when time after time after time it doesn’t happen whereas it is more exciting when you’re out and about living your life and in walks someone who surprises you. I’m pretty cynical, but not without optimism.

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